BPDFamily.com

First thread - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=324183.10 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=324183.10)  [We have 50/50ish custody of my SD10, who we just figured out has a uBPDmom].

First, an update:
H's uBPDexw admitted to him that her psychiatrist retired and gave her enough pills (she's officially dx'd anxiety disorder and clinical depression) to last her for years [ILLEGAL], so she hasn't been seeing anyone in a while.  Also that she decided she was better and stopped seeing a therapist. That tallies with the downward spiral we've noticed.  Unprompted, she also rambled through a history of her medical - including mental -issues over the last 3 years.  We have this recorded.

Now that SD10 told H how bad it's been and was validated for her feelings, she has found mega-backbone.

SD announced to her mother something along the lines of  ":)addy is taking me to therapy because of your anxiety and the way it makes me feel."  This did not go over well with uBPDexw (combination of crazy and justifiable upset that H hadn't told her yet; he was waiting until SD was back at our house). Every day this week she tried a different tactic to convince him to cancel the appointment - a) sent SD to the school counselor, who asked no questions but said SD loves both her parents b) guilt - "if she talks to a therapist, they'll call CPS on me and take her away" c) offering to stop taking child support and d) offering to let SD live with us full-time for a few weeks

When none of that worked, she called the therapist and tried to arrange an appointment immediately after SD's intake appointment for family counseling for SD10, uBPDexw, and H.  Therapist called H, who said NONONO.

uBPDexw called the next day/yesterday, and, in the most rational tone of voice I have heard from her in months, said that she is going to go to therapy.  Through an app.  She has determined that her biggest issue is that she used to be a CPS caseworker, and that has made her overprotective.  To prove that she's a good parent, she told him she's been explaining to SD10 why she's overprotective by telling her graphic stories of the things she saw while at CPS... .but she stopped when SD finally told her "I don't want to hear about CPS any more."
 She wants H to find SD10 a new therapist who used to be a CPS caseworker and will thus understand.  He said no.  The therapist he chose actually treated my S8 for depression last year.  He is trained in DBT techniques and was highly recommended by my biokids' pediatrician.

SD was SOO excited to go to the therapist today. Therapist said she talked nonstop.  SD now wants to grow up to be a therapist and help kids.  I talked to her last night about confidentiality (and told her it's even up to her if her stepsiblings know she's going to therapy) and that as long as she is open and honest, there is no wrong way to do therapy.  SD started going into details during the initial intake with H; H stopped her and asked if he should leave the room now, because we promised her that this would be confidential.   She agreed, so he went to the waiting room.

uBPDexw got frantic that neither H nor SD answered her texts the minute the appointment was over and threatened to call the cops if she didn't hear from her daughter by noon.  SD called her back, said "I told him about your anxiety and I told him I love you.  He told me about confidentiality so I am not going to say any more."  I am so darn proud of that kid.  All we asked SD10 was ":)id you feel comfortable talking with this therapist?"  and ":)o you want to go back?" [Yes and Yes]

Question for the group
We see a lawyer on Monday for a consult.

What types of things should we remember to ask?  Should we actually bring any of our documentation or an outline of what we would like the custody modification to look like?

So far, we are going to ask about:
a) What types of evidence does the court look for to make a big possession change like this?  (H wants to ask for 70/30 and primary residential)
a2) Is it possible to subpoena her work schedule?  We don't think she's even home half the time she has possession (she lives with her parents, so SD is not left alone)
b) Is it possible to get primary custody - e.g., she has no decision-making input for medical or mental health
c) Would it be worthwhile to ask for a psychological evaluation?  We know she's been diagnosed with some disorders and suspect BPD
d) Will the lawyer write up the custody modification and facilitate a meeting with uBPDexw (and any lawyer she gets) to go over the paperwork to see if she will sign it on her own?  We think she might, and that this might be the least traumatic experience for everyone , including her.
e) How much input will SD actually have (she is about to be 11) - we do not want her put into a loyalty bind
f) Is it possible to write into the modification steps that uBPDexw could meet to start moving back towards 50/50, and if so, what the heck would that look like?
g) Can we write in a restriction on how often she can call H?  I'm reallllly tired of the barrage of calls when she's triggered.

Any other advice?

Sounds like SD10 is a smart cookie  :)

I can't comment on your procedural questions, but my ears perked up when I read about what her mom said about being an ex CPS care worker.  SD10 shouldn't have to hear that stuff. As the only child of a single BPD mother,  I often was the target of over sharing of things inappropriate for my age. 

I'm not saying that this is going on,  but it would be worth a look,  and you and your husband can decide what to do with this: https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

Most of us on the PSI board have experienced this to varying degrees. 

Oversharing is a facet of the parent going beyond the parent-child norms.  You do not share adult information with children, you keep it age-appropriate too.  Yes, general warnings are okay, you don't walk alone down dark streets in bad neighborhoods, beware of over-friendly adults violating personal space, etc.  Good that SD asked her to stop with the details.

Courts love counseling.  If mother objects, court will probably not support that objection.  Now that counseling has started court should not stop it unless there is basis to do so.  However, often counselors won't come testify in court.  The way to work around that is to have a custody evaluator who can make recommendations to court contact the counselor for input as part of the in-depth evaluation.  That is something counselors are okay with.  Of course, a custody evaluation, if needed, can take months and can be expensive.  A good evaluator is worth his/her weight in gold, a lousy one can really stink up a case.

We do believe there is a lot of emotional enmeshment.  That's actually how I got here - while I was researching emotional enmeshment I saw an article that said this happens very often with parents with BPD.  I started reading about BPD and everything started making sense.

The hard part, I think, will be proving that this is going on to the extent that we suspect it is.

The mother is not going to go to court on her own.  She's terrified that she will lose SD.  So we're good with counseling right now.

I will add to my list of questions for the lawyer whether they think a custody evaluation would be useful now - or under what circumstances would the lawyer want us to get one...

Tell the lawyer exactly what you want. Naturally you will not be able to get all of it at once and you will open the possibility for eventually getting a better custody agreement because you have talked with your lawyer about how to get where you want to go. For example: If you think, you should have full custody, say so, because if you never say it, it will not likely happen.

How did your consultation go?