BPDFamily.com

No doubt I had to get off this crazy emotional rollercoaster I thought so much could be a marriage. Yes, it's an unhealthy relationship. Yes, it's even physically and moreso significant to me, emotionally damaging. Yes, I deserve better. Yes, after 2 years of seeing and knowing the absurdity of her cognitions and subsequent behavior I know I can't rescue or even help this one. NC is appropriate then, huh? So, why do I think so much about what she's doing and feel so vulnerable if she were to contact me; of which I think is inevitable?

Hi Inevitable! I can very much relate to how you are feeling. How long have you been NC now? Why do you expect her to contact you again? Have you thought about blocking her?

NC now for about a week. I expect attempts at contact already because mutual friends at the job site we used to work together with which I don't regularly converse are reaching out to me. I also expect the previous FOG behaviors to commence (ie. I didn't really want to get a divorce, I told you that and you didn't stop it, I'm a terrible person and I know it, I understand why nobody would be with me, you made me feel disposable). Blocking her at this point might delay finalizing the divorce.

Hi Inevitable,

Can you give us a back story? How long have you been married? Do you have kids together? How did you break up? How long have you been seperated?

Whirlwind romance at work. Got married within months based on knowing we both had abandonment issues and needed real commitment before God. 12 days in crazy physical altercation landing us in jail when she was in a drunken rage stating I purposely neglected her, demanding I walk the dog, spitting insults, called me an ass in front of the painters throughout my house that she was totally redoing. We've been married 2 years. Separated since end of March. No kids together but 3 kids from previous r/s (1 mine, 2 hers).

Things between you too happened very quickly and escalated quickly. I can relate with being denegrated in front of family, friends and strangers too. It’s embarrassing, insulting and obviously not fun. If you’re getting divorce and need to settle matrimonial stuff I’d suggest controlled contact I works the same way as NC you set the boundary on yourself that you’re not going to respond with CC you set the boundary on yourself that you will on discuss divorce matters, don’t share anything personal and do t talk about anything else. Just stay in topic.

So now I find out she's intruding into my social circle. What's up with that? What to do? I feel violated, disrespected. So now I have to go NC with what was originally my social circle?

Can you maybe talk about it with your social circle? Ask them to politely tell your ex that they'd rather not be in contact?

can you tell us more about this? whats going on?

An old colleague of mine invited me over via a group text. One number in the group text reached out to me individually. I asked who's this? It turned out to be my stbx's teammate. She inquired who I was, but I told teammate she had the wrong #.

They all still work at the school. I haven't for about two years; left shortly before we married. I felt the teammate was trying to see if I was going. I know, I had no real evidence of such. I thought at first just stay away, but I felt like protecting my "territory"; my more secure attachment and place to lick my wounds. Turned out she nor her teammate showed and everybody there interacted with me oblivious to me and my exes r/s status.

I just wish I could cut bait, let the fish swim away into the dark depths and stop looking for a glimmer.  All this thinking!

I know that a part of you probably wants to shut off your thoughts so that you can focus on other things and just relax and not worry about any of this. Analyzing your experience and dumping it here and having us help you dissect it is a part of post relationship with a pwBPD. It is a phase and it will eventually pass but I also know that hearing that now probably dies t help.

She has been a big part of your life for years, so it is only natural to think of her and what she's doing.

If you feel that you cannot block her number and texts and emails, maybe these suggestions will help:

For the cell phone: I downloaded a "silent" ring tone, also copied it to notifications, and in her contact record, changed the audible ringtone and audible text notification to silent, and changed her text to "no notification" so that it does not vibrate either. I will eventually see that she has called or texted, but this way, I am not wondering if every text or call is from her. It actually helps.

For email: I created a new folder and have all emails from and to her automatically moved to that folder. Again, eventually I will see her email, but it does not show up "... .in my face ... ." at the top of the inbox.

If she does contact you about "feelings" and talk about your relationship, do not respond at all. If you feel like you must respond, then wait 24 or 48 hours. You WILL have a different, less reactive feeling after sitting on it for a day or so.

Realizing that you can not fix or rescue them is a huge step forward! You are doing good!

I really feel for you and have experienced something similar with my BPD ex-wife.

She was socially connected to the wives of our 'couple friends', even though I tried to maintain those couple friendships, only one couple wanted to try to maintain friendships with both of us, the rest went with her. That was fine by me. I realized that I needed to move on to new friends and found that there were other separated / divorced parents with kids who were in the same situation, so we created our own group at church, and it has worked out well, new friends for parents and kids.