BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

I have decided to post after reading a few posts here because right now I'm a bit of a mess and need some insight.

I met a girl with BPD a while ago but she was and is very proactive about it, did lots of therapy (DBT, etc.) but she never took any meds. She has a very controlling and kind of mentally abusing mother who she lives with (she basically hates all men and tries to convince her that she is ill and to never leave the house).

This girl told me she no longer qualifies as having BPD and I have never seen her as a diagnose or anything. Sometimes she would have a bit of an "episode" so to sepak where she would over react about things but she noticed, apologized and increased the therapy.

Like many other posts that I've read, our relationship was incredibly intense, movie like from the get go, we promised to each other in about 2 months, talked about living together,she has never been so much in love, we would be together through everything, anyways, we made many promises and I did believe all of them, I'm a very loyal person and I did fell for her, the connection was unreal, when it was good it was just too good to be true.

After a few arguments I think she started to quickly see me as not so perfect, obviously I am not perfect and I do have my share of problems, I have social anxiety like she did, an anxiety disorder, and I'm a very emotionally dependant person. She started saying she didn't know I was so much going on with me and that she needed peace and not someone who would mess up that peace of hers so much. Sometimes when she couldn't or didn't want to come over I did lose it a bit, but not to an extreme, I would sometimes just get upset.

2 weeks ago on Thursday she started being cold with me, on Friday too and on Saturday when I asked if she would come and she just said that she would just tell me later I lost it and said "you know what, it's over, you can't treat me like that"... .Obviously I didn't mean it and I did apologize afterwards. She then ignored me for a day.

Then when I apologized further and asked her to please, let's just talk calmly she proceed to block me for an entire week. Right after that happened I booked with a therapist to treat my emotional dependency. I do this along with the DBT therapy, part for me, part to be well for her.

We did talk this weekend and she says there's no going back and made me feel quite bad about myself like all of it is my fault, that I'm just selfish, manipulative and that I am unable to love and that I just want to have my emotional dependency fix. I did love this girl more than any other partner I had, even in this short time but nothing I say or do seems to break that icy wall she has put.

I guess what I'm looking for is to know, is this normal? I've been a long time without being with someone considered "normal" and I'm not all that "normal" either, but c'mon, you don't break up with a fiancee over a tantrum for which you apologize, we are both adults... .Anyways, I guess I was hoping for her to be by my side throught my issues like i was always at her side.

I do still love her and I would right now still take her back even though I know it's almost imposible for it to happen as she has a high sense of pride and of never being wrong.

Is there any chance for me here, should I really just move on? Am I crazy for wanting this woman back after all this?

Thank you in advance for any reply.

Hi Mimir89,

Well, if it makes you feel any “better”, keep in mind people can break up at any time for any reason - mental health issues or not. I dated a non guy once and I remember when he told me a story about a previous girlfriend he broke up with for accidentally slamming his hand in a car door. It was not intentional. But, he broke up. I guess he was mad. So, people do such things. Hearing about it nearly made me cry because I thought, “What kind of a person is this?” But he was very nice when we broke up and we stayed friends.

In your case, she may come back or not. It’s hard to say. We can always go a bit too far, anyone, and turn another person off. In this situation she may cool down and want to make contact again. Or this really may be the last straw. Hard to say. Is there a pattern of repeated breakups here?

She has a pretty hefty list of criticisms of you. Ouch! If you do get back in contact perhaps using some of the communication skills on this site could ease your troubles a bit!

with compassion, pearl.

Thank you for your reply, I know, I'm painted very black right now. Thing is she has never endured a relationship for more than months, she seems to always find something that is not good for her and breaks it up, she does not go back either, it's pretty sad, when I sytarted talking about having to fight a bit for a relationship she just got mad at me for even considering the idea that she didn't fought a lot already. She did have an episode where she started yelling at me because I did choose a movie that upset her and after that she apologized and I did like nothing, then when I had a small tantrum over whatsapp this hapenned, it has left me with my head spinning honestly.

Have you read yet on The Do’s and Dont’s of BPD Relationships (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0)?

It is not easy, but you’ve really got to up your game to have a chance…well, if not making things better at least not making things worse!

We can’t control what she’s gonna do, but we can help you reexamine yourself and give you some ideas about how you might improve in your communication with her.

What do you think of that?

warmly, pearl.

Thanks a lot for the link Pearlsw, I'll get to it right away.

Oh sure! We care so much!   Keep sharing about it!