BPDFamily.com

It's only been about a month, but there's pictures of him going to her graduation on social media and they look happy. He never gave me this side of things, even when he was asking to be with me.
I guess I struggle with wondering, did he even really like me? Why couldn't he give me what I've seen him give to other girls?
My mom says she thinks he did really like me, but what made him feel safe with me also scared the ___ out of him so he ran.
Could this be true?

Hi papayagirl

remember that he seemed to be happy with you also, and how did it end... it's just a matter of time when things will go downhill with the replacemant

my ex also had a picture with her ex on fb, she never uploaded any of our photos, and now I'm 100% sure that she will have photos of her (future) replacement as soon as possible

I also have that feeling that I had some kind of special treatment... yet, her relationship with me was her longest so far, her ex probably thought that she seemed very happy with me (his replacement?) since it lasted far longer but it also ended in chaos obviously

I think that we need to detach and be patient to see when it all collapses again (this sounds wrong, but hey... ) and we will be the ones who will feel saved from the torture

but in this moment, it does feel hard because it is happening too fast

It is hard to see our ex with someone else, and we often assume that we were replaced by someone more lovable or better than us in some way. The truth is there is no such thing as a replacement, as we are all very different, and what he had with you he cannot have with her, and vice versa. Can you tell us more about your relationship and what you are doing to heal the hurt? Take care and let us know how you are doing.

Try not to compare yourself or your r/s with what he is doing now with another person.  I know that can be hard, but you are already hurting and adding to that doesn't serve you at all.  In reality, if he follows this pattern of behaviour, it will in time follow the same pattern in the next r/s. 


There's a grain of truth in what your mom is saying.  A BPD sufferer not only struggles with fear of abandonment, but also with Fear of Engulfment (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281066.msg12655920#msg12655920).  The link is to a workshop on the topic, where you can find more information on this.  In short, when a r/s becomes close, a sufferer can panic and fear being almost consumed by the r/s, so may well run from this.  Ironically, the one thing a pwBPD craves - to be loved - becomes impossible due to this.  The abandonment they so fear happens as they either leave (preventing the perceived impending abandonment by getting out first) or cause the partner to leave them through their resulting behaviour.  It's a very sad byproduct of the illness.

I'm interested to know whether you would feel differently if you were to know more about his reasons?  How often are you checking his social media?

Love and light x   

Hi papayagirl,

BPD is a serious mental illness that part of him isn’t going to get cured because he’s with someone else, he doesn’t grieve like you or I it also doesn’t mean that everything is processed the same issues are going to follow him. I’m aorry that you have to see this, I understand that it’s tough.