BPDFamily.com

Hi , everyone.  

I'm new here and I am going through a lot. My mother has BPD. I don't know if I am allowed to list the things she has done because I know this board is anti-rumination. She has been abusive both physically and emotionally all my life. I will gladly elaborate and share some stories but I wanted to make sure it was allowed.

I just lost my child to childhood cancer. She fought bravely for 2 and half years  and passed as her dad and I  held her in our arms. When my child was first diagnosed i decided not to tell my mother. I knew my mother would have traveled to be close to us (against my wishes like she usually does. She never respected boundaries) and she would have found a way to make this nightmare we were living with our child all about herself.  She would have started horrendous fights if she felt she wasn't included enough, if I wasn't spending enough time with her, if I said something she didn't like and she would require an immense amount of attention, more than usual I am sure.  She has acted this way in HAPPY occasions ( wedding, child birth, graduations, holidays) , of course the stress would make her act even more horrendously and I had to protect my family and myself from her.

When my child was diagnosed my emotional tank was empty. I just didn't have anything left to deal with my mothers temper tantrums. So I hid the fact from her and avoided her the best that I could.
It was the beginning of my Low Contact journey. I was feeling very guilty and conflicted but as time went on I knew it was the right decision.

As my daughter declined I asked another family member to tell my mother what was going on and ask said family member to shield me from her reaction. Thankfully that worked for a little bit because my mom's cell phone was broken  but now my mother started to reach out again via text. I definitely have PTSD and just receiving a text from her makes me nauseous, anxiety, etc.
Right now she is trying her best to act loving via text but i don't buy it for a second.

We spoke once since my daughter passed. I called her to wish a happy mother's day.  I caught her by surprise I assume, she sounded like she was still sleeping and probably didn't have enough time to put on her "mask" that she uses for the world. She was absolutely nasty to me, mad that I had "abandoned her" through my daughter illness. She said "happy mother's day. May God help you" in the nastiest , most condescending, abrasive tone.  

I hung up and was shaking. The phone call shook me to my core and reassured me that I am not crazy. It never crossed her mind that this particular mothers day was extremely hard for me . Nope, as usual it's all about her and how awful I am for abandoning her.

Losing my daughter has changed me as a person.  I am DETERMINED to enjoy life, to live a light existence, away from drama and my mothers dark cloud.

I know she wants to talk to me. We haven't talked in over 2 years but I have to protect myself. I can't take anymore heartache or stress. I just can't. How do you think I should handle this?

I know this board does not encourage No Contact but I don't know how much more I can take.

Hi PrincessPeach and welcome.  First let me say how sorry I am to hear of your daughters illness and her passing.     Dealing with all of that is devastating enough and then to have to manage a BPD mother on top of it seems to be too much.

We generally do not like ruminating but there is a difference between that and writing about your feelings, memories and looking at your past, especially as it helps you to deal with the present and hopefully make positive changes that will influence your future.  So please feel free to talk about or list an incidents you think about or feel we should know about to better guide you as you post and become a member of this community.

As for the board not advocating no contact, neither do we encourage people to stay in their situation.  We do have a no run policy but that is more so the poster can make their own decision about something that is highly personal without having people telling them what they should do.  The philosophy of the board is to preserve families, but we do acknowledge that there are limits and variables that affect everyones situation.

Having said all of that   if you do not want to re-establish contact with her at this point, then don't.  You certainly have enough going on without adding your mother with her issues on top of all that.  Taking care of yourself is the most important part and really is a primary focus of this board.  Later on, you may wish to re-engage with your mother.  No contact does not have to be permanent.    We do encourage people to work on any issues they may have as a result of being raised by a parent with BPD and to learn about tools we offer here that can help you communicate better.  Sometimes those of us raised in an abusive family lack skills with boundaries, don't respond well to stress, and have our own behaviors that may be less than stellar.  I'm not saying you do though, I'm just mentioning it in case you think it applies to you.

There are several articles I can refer you to but I will wait until you share a bit more so we can see which to refer you to first.  This site is huge and it can be a bit overwhelming.

At this point, I want to assure you that you have found a very supportive and understanding community. We can all relate to having a family member with BPD or BPD traits so you are in excellent company.  We can also listen to you as your grieve the loss of your daughter.  I want you to feel comfortable talking about the things that hurt you but also the things that are precious to you.

I am glad you found us and I hope to hear more from you. 

Hi PrincessPeach! 

I want to join Harri and give you a warm welcome. All the things Harri said I agree with so I won't duplicate the same information again. This truly is an online family where we are safe and free to share the struggles we are going through or have gone through. My mom was also an uBPD, and I understand some of what you've gone through.

How very sad that even on the day when you called to offer kindness (Mother's Day) that she couldn't receive it, and worst of all, she was incapable of supporting you in one of the darkest times of your life. I'm thankful for your sake and your husband's that you kept firm boundaries on the time you had with your daughter. I am so very sorry for your loss and the heartache you must be going through. 

It's perfectly fine to focus on you and not on your uBPDm. I am in my own recovery journey, and it's really important to value you and your healing.

Is there anything specific that we can direct you to? Perhaps a topic you're interested in or a book?

Please keep sharing with us!

 
Wools

Thank you Harri and Wools so much for replying and for your kind words. I am glad I can share some of my experiences here. I still sometimes wonder if Im just too sensitive. My family pretty much acts like this behavior is normal.

Childhood
One of my earliest memories. I went to the bank with my mother and brother. I was 4, brother was 2. My mother got distracted and brother wondered away. She panicked and dug her nails into my arm so violently that it started to bleed. She was screaming at me "what have you done? Where is your brother?". I remember walking home crying feeling deeply sad  for having upset my mother.

The rest of my childhood was mostly good even though i remember playing therapist to my mother after she divorced my dad. I was 7 at the time, she would often bad mouth him. I also remember her being obsessed with us looking and acting perfect around others.

Pre-teen/Teen
My mother started calling me fat. I was 5'7 and 135 lbs at 13. So not pettite, but definitely not fat. She  had financial problems, her relationship with her boyfriend crumbled and She started to unravel. I moved in with my dad at 15. She blamed me for abandoning her when she needed me the most, she often said i was an awful, a bad person, ugly, a weirdo, just basically made me feel like scum. I don't remember why i did to trigger such angry response. I mean, i was pretty much on my computer 24/7 in my own world, it was my escape. Idk what i did that upset her so much. I became bulimic and thought aboit suicide.

Early adulthood
I moved across the country and was finally happy. She would often guilt trip me about abandoming her.

Adult life
I got pregnant at 25. My mother hated it at first. I was unmarried and my bf was from a different faith. The horror! She then had an epiphany that my baby was coming solely to give purpose to her life (She thought I would ask her to move in to help with the baby). Baby was born. My mother announced she would come to spend 3 months. I didnt have the guts to tell her no. She soon started competing with my baby! Mother claimed i was not spending enough time/attention on her.
 She threw violent tantrums, kicked and pulled a knife at my dad, said she would jump out of the window, etc. Hit me. Even Her voice would change during these episodes, like she waa possessed. I kicked her out.

Throughout my daughters childhood this behavior was a constant in our lives. She would then shower my daughter with gifts, which to her equals love. After my boyfriend and I broke up, i lived with her for a year. She offered to help me get back on mt feet but of course it turned into her needing me more than i needed her. She needed attention and I didn't give her enough, i wanted to go out with my friends and "abandoned her". She put a knife to my throat as I held my daughter, She said she would kills us all, she often talked about suicide, would spend days in her room. And then sometimes a couple of hours after she would flip righ back and act like nothing ever happen and expect me to act accordingly.

Another occasion I was driving. She had an issue with her camera and demanded that i pull over to fix it immediately. I told her she would have to wait a bit. She tried to fix it herself and ended up deleting all her pictures. She completely freaked out, started screaming and punching me as I was driving.

Several more incidents in between.

The last incident was in 2014. I was working 12 hour shifts, was exhausted on weekends. My mother expected me to entertain her , take her out (she doesn't drive and has a phobia of elevators). When I told her no, i was tired, she proceeded to yell at me, calling me an ungrateful btch. I went to my room and locked the door. She banged on the door so hard, I let her in. She threw a glass of water at my face and proceeded to hit me until i had enough and hit her back. I kicked her out of my house and haven't seen her in person since.


She claims to have no recollection of these episodes, it's like she blacks out while doing these things and then forgets about them. Its bizarre. As far as our issues, she claims this is all my fault, i was never loving or caring towards her, never showed her any attention therefore i am the one to blame. I have asked multiple times if she is at least 50% at fault and she says NO. This is entirely my fault and she doesn't act this way with other people. She refuses therapy for this reason as well.

I could go on and on, as I have dozens of stories but i will spare you all.

Thanks for reading.

Im reading some of the articles here and they are fantastic, so helpful. I have a long way to to in my recovery journey, but I look forward to learning more.  

The "no-run" policy is more on the Bettering Board (because members post there to improve their relationships). Ruminating is fine for newbies,  we need to hear the story,  but I think we can't help but recall here and tell our stories.

Think like your mother was a husband or boyfriend.  You have been a victim of domestic violence since you were barely older than a toddler.  From what you describe,  your mother committed multiple misdemeanors and felonies against you.  She isn't a safe person to be around and as heartbreaking in one way that she wasn't there to grieve with and support you,  you did the right thing by keeping her away.  Her response to you on the phone confirms that you made the right decision.  

Personally, if someone threatened to murder me with a knife especially holding my child,  I'd be done.  Finito.

I'm trying to think of a SET statement to validate her but assert boundaries,  but I can't think of anything that isn't sarcastic and dark and angry.  

I'm so sorry that you lost your daughter,  PrincessPeach25, but it sounds like you handled it with strength,  love and dignity   and I'm glad that you are taking effort to live your life.  You have emotional resilience to the max despite your mother.  

You mentioned a relative... .who else knows the severity of what your mother did to you in the past, do you have real life support? Is anybody guilting you over keeping her away?

Turkish

Hello
Im a newbie too but I just want to assure you you are not too sensitive. Her behaviour is absolutely crazy. My mom is very similar I have many painful stories too that are 100% similar.
But I've stopped getting involved in anything with her. I don't go grocery shopping with her anymore because it always ends up in her ending in a rage or hurting me with words. I don't go anywhere with her.
When I listen to her I only respond by yes or no or I don't know.
I think I applied medium chill for a few years now instinctively. It's the best thing ever. Not get emotionally physically involved. Do the bare minimum.
Don't talk about anything private.
I'm so sorry for what you have been through. And for your loss.
Hope things get better for you.
Blessings to you.

Hi again PrincessPeach and thank you for sharing more of your story with us.  Your mothers behaviors were very disturbing to say the least.  I like how Turkish talks about Domestic Violence here.  It is true that you were in a violent house with a violent person. 

Was playing therapist for your mom a role that continued or was it more immediate to the divorce?  I ask because there are two things we talk about here:  Parentification and covert incest.  Are you familiar with those terms?

Here is a post that does an excellent job of defining the two: 


Does either resonate? 
Fear of abandonment is a huge driver of borderline behaviors.  One of those behaviors is projection.  Chances are when she was telling you that you were awful, bad, ugly, weird it was
projection (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0)
When a person is dysregulating and projecting they really aren't seeing *you*.  This is one of the behaviors I had the hardest time with as my mother was so convincing in what she would say about me.  Projection is the first BPD thing I learned about and oh how it helped to re-frame everything she told me about myself. 

I am going to end this here but (!) before I do I want to say that the rest of what you related is horrible.  I am very glad you were able to tell her to leave your home though i am so sorry for the circumstances.  I am ending here not because I have nothing more to say but because I have too much to say. 

Hope to hear from you.  Take care.

Welcome PrincessPeach
I am sending you hugs on the loss if your daughter. You sound like a strong and amazing woman and mother, and have been able to have perspective and strength in times of great stress and grief. For me, I initially went to counseling, now primarily visit this board and do lots of reading and self introspection. I am now a "mature" person in my early 60's and think the passage of time has helped give me perspective and clarity, and also now I am less willing to sacrifice myself for my mother (who can't be helped anyway). Time is more precious to me. I am always in awe of the individuals who were able to set healthy boundaries for themselves at a younger age. I also know it is a process, with many starts and stops. I wish you continued peace and love as you continue on your journey.

PrincessPeach,

Thank you for telling us more about some of the things you remember. I'm sorry you went through those things. Having a pwBPD is so hard and it has affected us so deeply. It's good that you're beginning to process things. Keep going. Keep us informed and please do keep sharing. Do you have a T that you see?

 
Wools