BPDFamily.com

Hello! I suspected that my husband might be BPD for several years before my own therapist also suggested it as a possible diagnosis. He is going through a legitimately tough time right now - dealing with some chronic pain (he’s scheduled for back surgery) and in between jobs. This has him emotionally pretty fragile and I’m having a tough time with it. I try to be very supportive, but one slip up on my part and I’m accused of lacking empathy and not really caring about him. I’m exhausted and feel like the emotional support in our relationship is incredibly lopsided. For most of our almost 15 year marriage I’ve felt like I wasn’t entitled to a bad day because his was always worse. I think my positivity is part of what attracted him to me but lately I feel like I’m married to Eeyore. He’s having such a tough time and we can’t celebrate the good stuff in our life. I need help to support him until things begin to turn up for him, which I think they will. He will have this surgery and be in less pain, and he is a highly capable professional who will eventually find the right career match.

A little about us... .like I mentioned before, married for 15 years this summer, high school sweethearts. No kids. He’s a financial executive and I’m an engineer. Last year when he was feeling pretty burnt out in his career and knowing we had a substantial cushion he took a break from a typical 9-5 to try some entrepreneurial ideas, none of which have failed completely but they aren’t really providing cash flow either. We could downsize but he’s dead set on not changing our lifestyle - he grew up as a poor kid and derives a lot of self worth from being able to provide. So needless to say this down time has been pretty rough on him. We had hoped he would at least enjoy some rest but he injured his spine in February so he is in a lot of pain. He’s coping with medications marijuana and alcohol while we wait for a surgery. He’s miserable and so am I.

He’s never been diagnosed as BPD, or if he has he had not shared that with me. He’s been in therapy, individual for three years and group for 2. Therapy has given him a lot of insights into How his childhood has shaped the person he is today. He has learned some mindfulness techniques. If his therapist thinks he is BPD I would understand why she might not tell him. I don’t think he would take the diagnosis very well. One of his traits is that he tends to horribilize things so I think he would focus on the worst parts of a diagnosis. I also see a lot of the traits in his mom and sister, so I feel that if he is not full blown BPD he at least suffers from having a parent who was.

But anyway, I feel like this is probably enough about me for now. I’m looking forward to reading through the forum and finding useful advice. Or maybe just some reassurance that I’m not alone. Thanks for reading.

Hi LuckyGal2Day,

*welcome*

Despite everything I do hear a lot of positive stuff here in your story! He's in therapy, he's going to have surgery that could improve his pain problems. You seem to still love him.

Chronic pain alone is enough to make someone pretty grouchy - that's for sure. My SO also has chronic back pain and it's been a many year journey to get things sorted. It wasn't until this year that he got to a more manageable level of pain. It's hard because I always point to so many valid excuses and reasons for his behavior, but at times it has gone just too far. That is important to reconcile I think. What is acceptable and what is unacceptable.

My SO also seems to have been suffering from depression and medication has really helped to take away a lot of the more difficult parts of him. He still sleeps a bit much, but I take this as some much needed quiet time for myself to recharge and manage the stress of being with him.

A lot of us here have partners who are not diagnosed. I've learned to just deal with the symptoms and be accepting of the not knowing exactly what is wrong. I would wager there are multiple things that may or may not reach the threshold of criteria for a diagnosis - something which made it hard for me to figure out before, but now makes sense to me. I don't know if he has "anything" per se, I just know his some of his reactions are "off", extreme, some of it could also be cultural, and that the most important thing is I practice the communication skills that work best for relating to him. Whether we stay together our whole lives or not, I lose nothing by putting my heart into better communication.

Do you have others to support you, aside from us here? :) It is not easy to be a caretaker!

Have you seen this readings on the site yet?

Being An Emotional Caregiver (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=173897.0)

Supporting Your BPD Partner (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106134.0)

If you get a chance to take a look let us know what you think!

with compassion, pearl.

Hi LuckyGal2Day.  Let me join with pearlsw in saying welcome to the board!  She gave you some excellent articles to start with and I also want to make sure you check out the section on the right hand side of this page.  There are many helpful articles there including the lessons section which can help you understand BPD and learn tools that will help you in the relationship.  As pearl said, you will "lose nothing by putting my heart into better communication".

Anyway, you have found the best place to get support and understanding with many people who can relate to your situation.  You are definitely not alone.  Many people have walked in your shoes and can help you navigate your way through the ups and downs of your relationship.