BPDFamily.com

I've been in a relationship for awhile with a p/w BPD. We've had so many ups and downs, and a lot of in between. Recently, he had a suicide attempt that ended with cops, an ambulance, hospital, the works. It's been almost a couple months since. It seems that in order for things to get better he did have to hit rock bottom. It was definitely one of the scariest moments of my life and one that I decided that I never wanted to relive again. Since that point, things have been improving. He's been seeing a psychiatrist regularly, sober, talking with friends and family. More emotionally and mentally present in the relationship and in life. While I'm really happy that he's making progress a part of me is bitter that we had to go through so much to get to this point. It's hard to let go now that I'm seeing the person I fell in love with, someone that disappeared during his intense dependency with alcohol. Sometimes I feel like I must have short term memory or just have become desensitized to all the craziness. Like a normal person would've left at the first red flag. I feel myself getting sucked back in. For the first time in awhile I have hope, but I know it's silly. It seems so obvious that I should just leave and detach. And it should be easy because of how deeply this person has hurt me in our time together. Everyone is telling me to run and just drop this person out of my life. Why does it feel so wrong at the idea of cutting them out of my life?

Sorry you have gone through something so horrible. I have often pondered "short term memory loss" as well. Sometimes it just means that you are focusing on the good of the relationship instead of the bad. It is sometimes easy to separate the good from the bad in your mind, especially when your partner goes from dark to light in extreme. Sometimes you are not willing under any circumstance to part with the good. This person fills certain important needs. The thought of the loss is too difficult to bear. This person is unique and special in their own way and you have attached strongly to them. Letting go is torturous.

This is so difficult. Even when you know the person is not right for you. Even though he has repeatedly hurt you. We have this idea that love conquers all. We feel good about offering unconditional love. And we know what we will lose if they go.

I did this for 6 years. I was googling the weirdest stuff in the first couple of months because something was always off. Like, "do crazy people make better lovers,' and lots of searches with the phrase "toxic relationships." I am not saying BPD equals "crazy." But you also use the word "craziness" to describe the behaviours and dynamics of your relationship. I don't even know if my man has BPD. I was just trying to understand my experience. You say a "normal" person would not stay.

Whenever we do anything in life, it is because there is a payoff. Despite all of this "craziness" there is something you strongly value about this man and this relationship. It is normal to want to hold on to something that feels good, even if it doesn't feel good all the time. And it can take a great deal and a lot of strength to get to the point where you decide the pain is not longer worth the pleasure or payoff. It is actually a DECISION that you have to make(to stay or go). Sometimes it is too difficult to make that decision. Sometimes the greater part of you will not allow it.

It is very normal to be drawn in to a relationship that starts off well or has great passion or meets some of your needs in a strong way. Be kind to yourself as you have been on a difficult road. Hopefully you can find a way to serve yourself in the most healthy way going forward. Letting go is the hardest thing. I have been unwilling so many times and don't regret falling in love and all my attempts to make it work time after time. I look at it practically. It was "worth it" at the time or I would not have done it. You just have to evaluate whether it is "worth it" to continue at this point and beyond.

Hi eggfry,

Why do you think it might be hard to cut someone out of your life? Have you ever had to do that before? Or would this be totally new for you?

I didn't heed all the red flags either. My reasons for not doing so evolved, feeling I've invested so much already; thinking his odd behavior was a temporary issue, just being out of ideas and hope at times.

Oh you really nailed with these questions: Am i desensitized? Do i have short-term memory? I think it can just be very hard to process this level of trauma at times. I know I've felt that way. It takes me quite awhile and is very out of sync with my SO.

with compassion, pearl.

Almost every therapist or counsellor I have seen has actively encouraged me leaving the relationship. From a rational perspective it seems like good or correct advise, but from the side of the partner of a pwBPD it can just seem almost a completely impossible suggestion. I cant really describe it as a drug, more like being told to fix your infected finger, we need to amputate your arm. Like an actual piece of me would be taken away if I was no longer in the relationship. I am again in the position where my new counsellor is asking genuinely why I have not thought of leaving and it is really hard to kind of explain why. I have a hard time understanding it too. But the highs from a relationship with a uBPD can more than make up for the extreme lows. Maybe its the knowledge that it will always change back at some point I dont know. I am in the position right now where I am holding on, but just barely, to our relationship in the hope that things will right themselves eventually. Even if it is not permanent.