BPDFamily.com

Well she came to me yesterday blaming me for her nerves etc by saying I stopped having sex with her.

I felt the only option was a promise for bedtime. Having no idea how I would manage it as last time was a disaster - a truckload of viagra wouldnt have made any difference.

and just before we went to bed she noticed the radiator had been adjusted down.

Under pressure I had promised, swearing on my mothers life - not to touch the heating - and I had turned it down in that room one day as she has the heating on even when there's a heat wave outside.

well my sex problem was solved as she went into such a mood - you have betrayed me etc.

I slept on the floor and the first thing she said in the morning is I have betrayed her and our son.

no idea how this day is going to resolve

Hey Mr. Right!

I am so sorry! You had to sleep on the floor? She demanded this?

Are you able to talk over the sexual issues in more calm times? Are there calm times?

warmly, pearl.

This can be a major problem in any relationship.  With a pwBPD whose emotions are all over the place and uncontrollable,  the easy physical and emotional validation of sex can be a huge trigger,  the lack thereof.  I was "sent" to sex therapy over this before we had kids.  She abandoned me after one joint session,  though the female doctor emphasized that it was about the relationship,  not just one of the partners.  When I had a small group session with two other males,  the doc, and her female intern/protégé, I described a few of my ex's behaviors and asked if my reaction was normal.  They didn't pause a beat and said "yes of course!" The younger doctor indicating more sympathy by her facial expressions.  I'm not stupid. They completely agreed.

I never had that issue the subsequent 4.5 years,  not once.  It took validation from professionals.  I'm not suggesting looking for a sex therapist,  but maybe talking to someone might help for you to hear outside perspective.

Thanks pearlsw

I am generally forced onto the floor when she is upset with me at night - it's no big deal in fact apart from the sore back I prefer it as she tends to cling to me at night and make me sweat.

talk over sex issues with her - I generally try to avoid this. I am at the point where I never feel like having sex with her. I am so drained and there is so much conflict.

Morning MrRight,

I used to do exactly what SWMBO (u/BPDw) would tell me to do as far as where I would sleep when we were quarreling…

But I finally put a stop to that, nowadays; I sleep where I want to, and expect her to act the same towards me.

I have “designated” what is a “shared space”… and what is “private space” for either of us who needs to “be alone” for the evening/night, ie; not in the master bedroom, ie’ the marriage bed , that space is a shared space, we both sleep there, together for the most part, with the two dogs, and all our “personal gear”, neither has the “right” to dictate that the other MUST do the “seabag drag”, and the walk of shame to the couch, or else the spare bedroom at the behest of the slighted/angry and or disagreeable other party.

Nope!

So when she says something like, “you need to tell me where YOU are going to be sleeping tonight”… I respond with, “if you don’t want to sleep with me tonight, then you need to get your pillow & blanket and go somewhere else, that’s entirely up to you, let your conscience be your guide, do what you want to, leave me alone”… this means if you cannot stand the sight, smell, or else thought of me being so close to you ALL night, then you may opt for the spare bedroom, or the leather couch in the office.

You WILL NOT inconvenience/shame me because you are having a pouting/pity party for yourself, be a big girl now, and take your arse somewhere else, because I ain’t moving out of the Captain’s Cabin because you are ”mad” at me… NOPE  !

So I don’t play the couch game anymore, and likewise for me… if I can’t fathom the idea of being between the sheets in the same bunk with u/BPDw, I will just stay up late, and then she closes the door to the bedroom, and I sleep on the most comfortable leather couch in Red5’s office man cave… and I go to sleep listening to “Coast to Coast AM” .

Sex!

Ok, I (me & u/BPDw) are currently on a “drought” , we have had sex maybe three times, .yeah;... .in over two years now…

She got sick about two years ago, and now that compounded with her u/BPD has wreaked havoc, even more than before in regards to intimacy of the sexual nature, it’s just not happening.

I gave up long ago “initiating”… those circuits are now dead in me.

Although, of late, u/BPDw has requested sex, to the point of protest, but when the time comes, she goes “off line”… so she is just crying wolf (?).

She says things like, “you have not touched me in months”… well, neither has she to me (touched).

I am still a vibrant man, she knows what I like, not to sound like a Marine on liberty in a faraway port of call, but she knows how to ignite the launch sequence… I mean come on, if we are to the point of requesting sex, and even angrily sometimes, then the lovey dovey foreplay dinner and wine stuff is in the wake now… if she wants it (sex), she knows how to get me to service her  !

Wow, did I just say that?

The truth is, it’s been a "long roe to hoe" for quite a spell, she has been extremely nasty to me over the last couple of years, and I have not forgotten it, she is up one day, then down the next… when someone takes about all their going to take, then sex appeal is going to fall off, sure she is a hot babe for over fifty, but… I am afraid I don’t like what’s on the inside anymore, that sounds pretty bad I know.

But like you, in the midst, when I let these thoughts get into my head, quite frankly, I don’t want her to even touch me, not like that, and as I have all but given up, and this behavior of mine has now cemented into normalcy for me… as I said many posts ago, “so much is gone now, and it’s not coming back”, I mean just that, I can’t be intimate with her as I start replaying all the mean (stupid) things she has said to me, done to me... .so that pretty much kills it… sorry.

How we “used to be”, was most likely mirroring in the ideation phase of the relationship so long ago now, that’s ten years ago, seven married.

Too much has happened, and it feels as though the last remnants of feelings are finally beginning to leave me now.

I am just her caretaker, not her lover anymore (mirroring?).

Again, sad…

Hang in there MrRight,

Red5

Hey Mr. Right, Sounds like you need to find a couch!  Just kidding.   :)  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, as I have been in your shoes, my friend.  I spent many a night at the local motel when sleeping on the couch became unrealistic during major rage episodes.  It's exhausting.  I suggest you focus on what is right for you and use the tools, boundaries, JADE avoidance, etc., as needed.  Needless to say, you can't go on like this.

LuckyJim