BPDFamily.com

So... .
I am lately not sure where I fit in here on this site.
So I’m attempting a different approach here.  ... .to see if I can make better use of my visits in some way.

I have not posted this section... .in forever?

Anyways... .

I used to say I have cPTSD however, now I have learned it is way more severe than that... .OSDD.  I suppose this fact is what has caused me to shy away some... .idk... .could be another issue, idk

So last week I was talking to my son and he was explaining to me that my sister is absolutely awful. (I have been NC with her over 13 yrs... .we were simply reviewing information about her for some reason)

It kind of makes me laugh at him.  I treat him like he is exaggerating and never take him seriously.  

I deflect all his information and repeat boiler plate responses to him and anyone else that complained about her my whole life:  You have to understand.  My sister got the worse abuse of the two of us.  She was singled out more than me.  I do not ever blame her for her BPD or anything because of the severity that she has gone through.  No child should have to have walked in her shoes... .so that is that.
(We were raised in foster care by abusive BPD/bipolar woman, etc)

I called my boiler playe response RA (radical acceptance)

However, it dawned on me... .
It was actually
Denial

My head was blown away.
I have amnesic barriers in my mind... .I suppose anyone with any level of denial and flashbacks also do to some extent... . 

Yet... .to hold in my mental awareness... .the facts of my sisters sadistic cruelty towards me and how she laughed and laughed to see me emotionally suffer... .caused a wall in my head to crumble.

She caused me suffering for her own entertainment theoughout our childhoods.  Then, as an adult, she would question me on my history and abuse we endured... .so she could reexperience her excitement of when she was younger and was able to regularly traumatize me.  She metaphoriacally lit me on fire with stories of trauma that she caused from our past trauma like a pyromaniac and loved seeing my responses, reliving flashes and distress... .as she laughed and laughed and asked me to repeat myself pretending she did not grasp it so that I would try harder to explain it.

As a kid, she invited people to play in her games of emotionally bullying me... .and laughing.

I always though my sis had BPD.  Likely, she does.  However... .I am now aware of a reality where my sis was not just “acting out” to feel love and attention.  Her behavior was differently motivated... .She reveled in causing me pain.  She does this to her children as well.  (They are grown now) Her pets are so screwed up and maladjusted that it is bizaree phenomenon.  She laughs as she watches the pet emotionally get contorted from her forcing her contact of hugging it and such on it... .not hitting it... .but smothers it and watches it squirm in its fear, annoyance, giving the pet no way to get relief from what she wants to “love” on it.  The pets end up seeming insane.  She laughs and brags at how crazy she has made them.

So idk my point.

Idk if writing this is helpful or rehashing.

Just trying it to see if something may come of it.

The night I had this realization... .
My baseline anxiety lowered in my head
It was immediate
I felt it
A lot of my mental fog lifted as I connected many dots and so many other things easily, naturally fell into place about my childhood.

Anyway... .
Ok... .
Done

Hi Sunfl0wer.  It is good to see you again.     I remember when you first got diagnosed and just being relieved that it meant you would be getting the help and support you need and feeling very proud of you for being so open.  It helps me when others share and I know it helps others.  You have helped support me through some very difficult posts as well, helping me to feel accepted.  You belong.

I think it is helpful to write out the truth or your experience.  What you wrote is painful and dark and it needs the light so you can see it all clearly.  The cruelty you experienced at her hands, knowing it was deliberate is shocking.

My T told me there is no mental disorder that causes people to abuse or be cruel.  I've been sitting with that letting it rattle around and around in my head.  Like you, the veil of denial was ripped away.  Part of me hurts more knowing that and part of me feels more free.  There are fewer restraints on my anger and hurt so I am able to feel that and express it in ways I have not been able to before.  In the end, that is a gift.  

Sunfl0wer wrote:  Denial wears many disguises doesn't it?   Our brains allow us to see what we need to see when we are ready.  

Sunfl0wer wrote:  This is wonderful and I am very happy for you though I would imagine the hurt needs to be re-processed given the new insight?  Is that accurate?  Have you had a chance to talk to your T about this?

Hi Sunfl0wer

Yeah I remember when you got that new diagnosis, it was quite a significant development. I can see how this might lead you to question how and where you exactly fit in here. You could say that this new diagnosis created or unveiled a whole new reality for you to process and deal with. I agree with Harri though, you definitely belong here  It's great to see you continue working on healing and growing.


That's very tough for children to go through. It's very sad you and your sister experienced this, since you're sister was singled out the most, it would make sense that she would be affected by it. Yet now, you are also coming to some new realizations about your sister and some of her quite disturbing traits.


Maybe this was a coping mechanism you developed as a child to help you survive. You grew up in a hostile environment and perhaps your mind needed you to hold on to a certain view of your sister to be able to get through your childhood.


Your sister's behavior you describe here is quite concerning. If she indeed enjoys causing and seeing you in pain, that is very disturbing.

You have been NC with your sister for many years now. Was there a specific incident leading to the NC? Who initiated the NC?


Do you have contact with any of your sister's children?


In a way this sounds like step 1 of the survivor's guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse. You've already been on this site for a long time, yet this new realization sheds a whole new light on many of your experiences growing up and also later as an adult.

Take care and know that you can always come here to discuss what you're going through

The Board Parrot

Hi Sunfl0wer, 

So nice to hear from you! My sentiments echo those of the others, Harri and Kwamina, that you are a part of us here. We are family, and you belong to our family. 

As hard as it may have been for you to process the thoughts you shared, I think it is such a huge revelation and understanding!  |iiii It's the releasing of the unknowns that often hold us in turmoil for way too long. Good job in unpacking this knowledge.

 
Wools

Am so grateful for the very warm responses!
Thank you!

Am going to still sit on thoughts a bit and return tomorrow... .oh wait... .I have a coworker event tomorrow night... .will return Wed to reply.

I really appreciate the thoughts and what was stirred up and am so glad to have a voice.  Thanks!

  Thank you!  

Yes! This! ... .so much.  It is so hard to digest.  I do feel both free... .but also disgusted that her kind of sadism exists.  
 

Would you mind explaining more what you mean by this?

 
So, this is a very hard question to explain.  Because of my diagnosis of OSDD, it means that I am currently “a System” not a singular person present in the therapy sessions. (I “fall apart” “shift” “meld” “fragment” ect)  My therapist will not spend a lot of time talking to me as a singular, (for my own good) unless of course that aspect of my Self is a barrier to access to the rest of my System.  His main interest and focus is on challenging my dissociative separations, exploring my varying perspectives just to know what we are working with, and showing me how to manage my Selfs as a System by reminding me of tools or sharpening them as I am evolving.  I need to learn to think increasingly cohesively... .(not practice immersing myself in One aspect.) ... .and then learn to gel back to appear singular for regular functioning.

It is less important to him any particular memory that is being held in any area of my mind... .he prefer to help me make connections and clusters/groupings with what already exists, rather than make any new meanings of anything or offer any new meanings to me to ponder. (Just is his role... .not anyone elses in my life)

So how it works is that I have tools we play with in session and I learn... .I already know I am to learn to toggle from the area of my mind that has caste my sister a victim, then toggle back to the area where she is sadistic. (My son has been taught how to help facilitate this to an extent and he was there helping me that day) Then see if I can hold both those thoughts in awareness and what happens when I do... .notice how my understanding shifts, how my psyche and body respond.  This I did at home and what I noticed was that the image of my sisters innocence... .was a lie I told myself to feel someone on this planet may think I’m fun to play with.  Thinking back... .it now gives me the creeps... .”someone to play with”. ... .ewww. I also recall her terrorizing and harming the foster kids... .in “accidental” ways... .then scaring me about it, and laughing lots... ... ..more eww.

(If this is TMI... .am happy for a mod to have me fix... .I dont need to keep refocusing on System stuff... . but without the context of why I would not bring the topic to T could make my content moving forward appear me behaving polemic.  Kinda feel that holding conflicting truths in awareness could be relevant to others anyways, idk.)

Hi again.

I'll try to explain what I meant when i said there are fewer restraints on my anger and hurt.  When my T told me that about there not being a mental illness that causes people to abuse others, the excuse of mental illness went away.  Yes, my mother did not think properly but the fact that she was disordered did not cause her to sexually abuse me or mentally and emotionally abuse me.  I guess I was hanging on to the label as a bit of a buffer (denial) against reality. 

When what my T said began to sink in, I did/do not have the voice in my head any more whispering she did it because she was mentally ill.  In my mind, her mental illness sort of made things okay.  Not okay okay... .can't find the words.  The veil of mental illness was causing me to hold in more of my anger.  I no longer have that hesitation when i talk about the abuse, that part of my brain saying "but she was mentally ill".  She was, and I feel compassion for her in that area, but no there is no excuse not even being mentally ill.  I think I am talking in circles!

Thank you so much for explaining the process you are working through with your T.  What you said makes sense in terms of addressing the system rather than the singular.  And toggling back and forth between conflicting truths is very relevant to the board... .maybe all of the boards as I think a lot of people struggle with cognitive dissonance.  Maybe I am oversimplifying this but it reminds me of how people talk about their good mother/relative vs. their bad mother/relative when really there is just one whole person both good and bad. 

Fascinating!  I don't want to take your thread in a direction you'd rather not go and I do not want to divert from your processing your sister stuff but I could talk about this stuff for hours.  I've been wondering how therapy has been going but I did not want to pry.  Thank you for writing this.

How have you done when trying to hold the conflicting thoughts at the same time? 

Thanks so much for sharing.  I don't think anything you said is TMI.  It is about you, it is important to you and it is helpful for everyone so it is relevant because you are!

Be well.

Oh, I’m so excited. I love talking about therapy so so so much! I could go on for hours, only reason I don’t is because I have to restrain myself or I’ll bore people... .or sound too “out there” ... .

Anyway, just wanted to express my excitement over feeling welcomed. I have to do some meal prepping for an event this weekend so have to do that... .otherwise I’d finish replying to rest of the replies in this thread... .

I’ll have to wait till later. Work just got busy which is a good distraction anyways as I always feel most stable when busy working.  So I have been getting home way late but will be returning here to the thread

Like 'it's not right but it's okay' maybe?


Thanks for sharing this Sunfl0wer. This really helps to better understand what you are currently going through.

I also had the same thought as Harri that the concept you mention here is very much related to many experiences described on these boards. Like how we can say that even though someone might have done their best (given their disorder), they could still have done better, for instance when looking back at how our BPD family-member coped with things. Or how children of BPD parents can hold on to the image of a loving fantasy parent, while being abused by that same parent. Or how adults in abusive relationships, can still profess to love their abusive partner, sometimes even seeing the abuse as an expression of love. How love, hate and anger can not only co-exist, but can even go hand in hand.

Talk to you later!

The Board Parrot

FWIW, this is also why I finally went NC with my half brother 15 years ago (I'm almost 50): he had a talent at finding something particularly painful for me and using it to just hammer at me, and had such success at manipulating our mother that he could enlist her to let him get away with it or even to help him do it.  For yeeeears I was told he was so fragile and helpless that I had to let him, say, attack me with what a bad person I am on Christmas, etc... .he particularly specialized in 'poison pen' letters which Mom would empathize with him for writing but not with me for receiving, if that makes any sense.  

I know intellectually he has BPD but there's a part of me that will always be traumatized (H-B is 7 years older than me) at being forced by my mother to minimize my distress at living in a household with someone who not only didn't seem to empathize with me ever, but who used any vulnerability he could find to try to hurt me.  I try not to give him power over me by hating him (and of course, it's complicated - bad things did happen to him too), but my mom is still living and in the back of my mind I wonder how I'll deal with him when I'm forced to at the end of her life.  Mom and I are much better since she went to therapy and I'm in charge of her health directives, etc.  I'll hire an attorney to do it, I suppose.

Hang in there, sunfl0wer.  It's really hard on those of us who were abused by older siblings and learned early on that trust is not always an assured thing among people who are supposed to love and protect you.

Ok, apparently trying to engage in this thread caused me to not be able to get back to it.

It is still stamped into my “to do” list... .yet... .it triggered so much within me.

I am not supposed to speak “in Public” in split Alters or Parts.
I am supposed to appear as One.

Lately it is too hard to even think of my sister and her evilness... .
It switched me to the trauma from my birth mom and her abusive dad aka my grandpa I think I adored... .humm... .

My own thoughts frighten myself until I feel paralyzed by
My Selfs.

To tell my own story
I feel conflicted

I have Parts that are into voyerism
Exploiting the self
To connect with others
And I also have Paranoid Parts who fear
What others will make of us
Mostly tho
When someone has parts
The parts all have jobs of some sort
Mostly every Part has an important job
To keep the One safest we can.
We split when we don’t feel safe.

We can
Regress
We can reply on posts of other members that match our regression for that day, moment, etc.
Mostly tho... .
We are all
Aware
That the rules of engagement on this site... .in my life... .mean... .we MUST appear
One

This is a sad fact to some.
Some of us we feel very attached to and then we feel the repressed sadness that frightens us.
The intense sadness... .
Leads us to shift to our fear
As we run from sadness
And we always fear
We have spoken to much
Revealed too much
Sometimes
We think that we are wonderful
We tell fables insie of being a mythical magestical creature... .
That we fashioned after reading the Last Unicorn and watching the Neverending Story.

We are made up of all of her good and bad experiences
And we tey not to be judgemental when possible

This is because one never can know what is really in onesself
We mostly believe... .
That by rejecting outter world people
That we also could accidentally be at same time
Rejecting something within.
So we try to look homelessness in the face and feel them... .or pwBPD... .or psychopaths, etc.

We try reflecting the world of experiences inside
So that we can simulate feelings
Cause once upon a time
In a lifetime so so far away
This small sunflower seedling
Was a child
And she had to have no feelings
To endure her entry into the world
He first memory of trauma
Is a body memory who would like to remain unknown... .
He suffered tremendously and thought we would die that day... .
She was one month old
And we all carry the pain of that
And everything else
Including
All the good we can absorb
Ok
Im rambling now
Sorries
Thanks for not snoring too loudly.
Idk what else
       bye

Fyi... .completely understand if my obvious demontrating of splitting my psyche is not at all welcome... .im trying to behave by containing it to this board, this thread only.

I am too fragmented in telling my own stories for this topic here.
I dont plan to go off on a splitting posting style as my Sunfl0wer persona... .however, was trying to contain the expression here... .feedback always welcome.  Never meaning to offend anyone or scramble heads roun here :)

Ok... .now gonna post as a One... .
Let’s see if I can do that now that I outed myself on some things... .
:)


Kwamina:
Thank you greatly for the reassuring words Kwamina... .in my times feeling most scared to post on these boards... .I recall feeling safe by your downy feathers... .imagining them lining a nest of some sort.  ... .A hard truth to admit.  Way easier for me to be a porcupine on such occasions.

Sunfl0wer:
Lol! Seeing my own words... .I can see a shift.  I often have a rule when posting on these board to insist that all Parts within will post using language that describes “BPD or bipolar” more as adjectives than nouns.  But ok.  I can see that was written by a younger part, . ... before that rule got instituted within as permanent.

Kwamina:
Usually I would brush by a paragraph like this vs attempt to hear it... .To be honest... .it triggers a blank.  Idk why.  I don’t care to question it much either... .
Oh
I see what it is... .
You are working on a premise that my sister became a bully because of the same abuse I was exposed to... .if I am hearing that well. My sister and her being a bully... .maybe came from her mom prior.  Her mom prior... .was literally sadistic... .tortured her for her own amusement.  Laughed and laughed as she did it.  Sometimes tho, those within... .wonder if this child was not simply born evil... .idk tho.

My sister renacted on me the trauma her biomom gave her.
She is a predator.
She is choosy about her prey.  I can now recall her... .glowering over traits of possible prey to her.
She especially enjoys a certain purity and innocence in her victims.
Looking back... .I can see how she choose her victims.  I think she raped my best friend when I was a kid... .but I can’t prove this... .I just recall something he said... .  I also recall her “drooling”over him to me and obsessing over him... .and wait... .that triggered my memory of several sexual assaults she did on boys... .crap... .major flashbacks here... .it’s ok tho.  I am used to living in a constant triggered state.  I can move right along and speak Logical and Pragmatic now... . 

It would just be nice if I could speak short and sweet maybe.
Cause this long windedness is tough on folks I would imagine.

Anywhoo... .
Lets see if we can get this group to focus and continue answering stuff... .
Idk

Maybe best to paise there and see how this goes.

*mod*

This thread is being locked after multiple warnings regarding excessive use of unconventional spelling, punctuation, lines spacing, etc.  

Members are encouraged to write is conventional paragraphs and to remember, this is an international audience and stylish posting may not translate.

Guideline 1.8 Language and Terminology: Members are encouraged to express themselves and feel at ease doing so. The content of posts should use actual words, correct grammar, punctuation, and spelling. Chat room and texting abbreviations and slang should be used minimally. Racial, ethnic, religious, and sexual slurs and vulgar language are prohibited. Emoticons are provided as additional punctuation to clarify the meaning of sentences. Please do not use them excessively or for other purposes. Inappropriate language and excessive punctuation are periodically corrected by the software.
https://bpdfamily.com/guidelines#language