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When you feel like you don't have a voice in a relationship is that enough of a reason to leave? Maybe, maybe not. I suppose it depends on other factors to but I wan to share something I am learning about myself. When my  Therapist told me "You are dying." I opened my eyes and was about to say excuse me? Then it hit me. I am. I feel that way. I am losing who I am. Ask me what I would like to do if I had free time or the money to do anything I wanted. My answer right now is nothing. I have no idea. Why? Because I have spend so many years focusing on uwBPD and her needs, thoughts, issues, or what have you. I am losing parts of what is making me my own individual. I have a family that wants me to enjoy vacations and holidays with. Or I have a wife that constantly  despises every sort of person that comes in contact with her, especially children.

Side note: Is that a common BPD trait or feeling? Not liking children. The sound of a child's voice even if not with sight will set her off almost. End side note.

I am not so far gone that I can not see things in a rational manner when it comes to myself. I can still feel when things are not right or fair. I know when I am being manipulated or pushed to do things beyond what should be acceptable in a healthier relationship. So if I know what is wrong, why can't I either stand up for myself or leave to be by myself? I still get sucked in tot he day to day recycling.

I know what you're talking about, Cipher. In my first BPD marriage, I spent so much time catering to my husband's demands and whims, that there was little room for me. I remember talking to a peer when I was in grad school and he pointed out that I could easily say what I didn't want but that when pressed, I couldn't say what I wanted.

It was true. I spent my time trying to cajole, manipulate, beg, plead with my husband not to do all the bad things that he was doing (cheating, drugs, abusive behavior, financial irresponsibility). In trying to avoid negative outcomes, there was little awareness on my part of how to move toward a positive choice. I just kept trying, and failing, to prevent disasters from happening.

After far too many years, I finally had enough of dealing with someone so intractable and divorced him. After the dust had settled and the decree was finalized, I did an impromptu ceremony for myself, where I consciously chose to "marry" myself and do all the nice things for myself that I thought a partner should do.

After making that vow, I regularly asked myself what I wanted and tried to do kind things that I enjoyed and appreciated. It took a while to become aware of my wants and needs, after so many years of repressing them.

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What would happen if you chose to have a voice in your relationship right now? What would be the worst thing that would result if you chose to see your family on vacations and holidays?


As far as not liking children--perhaps she wants all the attention for herself and children are a threat because they draw the focus away from her.

What do I think would happen if I asked to see my family? She would most likely rage at me. I'm sure I would hear all kinds of nasty things about me and the lack of things I do for her and how horribly I treat her. Or she would try to convince me of how horrible my family is. In other words project her illogical negative feels about them on to me. She uses guilt well. It is still affective on me.

The other thing goes to your comment about children. She sees almost everything as a threat to my focus on her. Her favorite dog (we have 3) will sometimes come out to the sofa where I now sleep and hang out. Thus leaving her feeling that dog has abandoned her. "Traitored her" to use her own words. So telling her I am seeing my family with or without her would be another example of abandonment to her. Especially since one of her deepest fears is that they are the mechanism to steal me away from her. Or they will convince me to leave her.

It is hard when you lose yourself in a relationship that is only going downhill, and you are not sure how to find the self you had prior to this relationship. Being with a BPD is a direct attack on our integrity and self esteem because the BPD views everyone as competition and demonizes anybody that he/she views as a threat to the control he/she has over family members, and this often includes family, children, neighbors, friends, etc., Know that we are here to support you, and we like to hear how we can help. Post anytime, like many of us do who are/have been in situations similar to yours.

I kind of liked to "lose" myself in that way to my ex, it was part of the attraction. But yes, it was unhealthy to have her moved into the prime centre light of attention and everything else in the shadows, including to an extent increasingly my own interests.

practice conciously to maintain and extend as much as you want to, your relationships with family outwards to friends and hobbies, looking back I started to neglect all of these without even realising it. Harness and maintain and disregard his paranoia, you have a right not to be suffocated in relying on one person and one day might very well need an extended support network to fall back on.

Afternoon Cipher13,

Been said many times here, one must beware of “getting lost” in all of this.

… “losing yourself”

“This” being the BPD relationship.

It seems to consume everything, leaving nothing, and it seems there is never enough, only more and more is taken,

I know that I myself, reached a point of apathy, of despondency, of complete and utter failure, my u/BPD wife had me so far down that I thought I was just a terrible person… you see; there is a hole in their inner selves, these pw/BPD that can never be filled, this endless hurt seems to never stop.

Then I came across this phenomenon that is BPD, and then the more I understood, and learned, I have come to think I now understand “why”.

Boy… had things continued; I don’t know what I’d have done… I was that far gone Man!

Yes, DON’T get lost in this, it will extinguish any and all happiness that you once had, if you let it.

So don’t!

Red5

I didnt feel so much that I lost my identity, as much as I had been plagiarised and it became really unsettling to see someone mimic me, take over my friends, mimic my interests and then start to destroy me.

One reason I never spoke up is because I was so shocked and upset when I first saw my ex go into a rage mode, it came out of nowhere, and wasnt even directed at me, but it was a complete contrast to the person I thought Id known.

Because id seen it once, it made me WOE for the whole course of the r/s, even if I felt I was right about something, I just let it go, to avoid the chance of invoking that. I didnt feel safe enough to express myself, although I was capable of some very deep conversations on both sides, when it came to her being agitated or annoyed about something, I just let her vent and didnt add any fuel or my opinions on what she was venting about. But part of me feels that was unhealthy and I bottled up a lot, and also let her walk over boundaries. Part of why im having to be here now and prolonged the after-r/s healing stage.

Hi Cipher13,

You know…my SO’s brother has schizophrenia and I have often looked up to his wife and how she manages with all this. Compared to me she is lucky. She has a support system, citizenship, friends, health insurance, a full-time job. She was married many years before his illness became so severe. I fell right into the frying pan! And I think this illness of my SO, as I am experiencing the behaviors, seems much more extreme. But, sigh, why compare? :)

Life is hard in a lot of flavors.

But this does have a significant psychological impact on the caregiver, in my opinion, well beyond the toll other illnesses might take. Illnesses just do take a toll. Throw in that many of our partners are not diagnosed, or treated, and we are swimming in deep waters!

Toss in that they often don’t recognize they are ill, it's not safe to tell them, and can’t hold onto that notion even if they do know, at least my case. It can start to make you feel like you are at the bottom of the sea. That’s why we’re here - to keep each other afloat, to reach a hand out here so none of us drown!

I think accepting that it is a process helps me, sometimes. It will always be a struggle. If it was just an illness I could stay, but the push/pull unending breakup is what will eventually, against what my wishes were, end this.

take care, pearl.