BPDFamily.com

Hi, I’m new here as a member, but I’ve lurked as a Guest for years while trying to make sense of my volatile and often head-scratchingly bizarre relationship with my husband, who I believe suffers with BPD.

Our five-year marriage is nearing its end. The dozens of his previous declarations of “It’s over!” appear to have finally stuck this time.

After two involuntary commitments for suicidal threats and attempts, he quit drinking 18 months ago and began to seek psychotherapy.  He went on and off various antidepressants and went through several therapists before finding one who wouldn’t diagnose him as BPD.  We even went through a three-month DBT for couples course based on Alan Fruzetti’s “The High-Conflict Couple” to no avail.

Unfortunately, his main takeaways from this course were that I was failing to be mindful of his emotions, failing to validate his out-of-control behavior, failing to accept equal responsibility for his meltdowns (“see what you made me do?”), and failing to recognize that I am as mentally ill as he is.

So, because quitting alcohol didn’t make him stop behaving badly, and neither did the antidepressants, and therapist-shopping has only reinforced his conviction that the REAL problem is that I refuse to accept being 50% at fault for his bad behavior, he is now convinced that we must split up.

My head knows this is the right thing to do; my therapist and my family agree with my head. The only one not yet on board is my heart.  The kicker in all this is that my father passed away suddenly and unexpectedly one week ago, just days after I received the request for a divorce, so my mourning muscles have been heavily overworked.

I chose to be the one to leave our home to stay with family nearby, as he has no living relatives and few friends.  We communicate mainly by text message. He feels profoundly sorry for himself, but he has managed to offer me some condolence on the loss of my father, even despite his firm belief that my family hates him (they don’t; we’re not grudge-holders in the least).

As much as I have tried to love him, to help him, to heal him, I am coming slowly to the realization that he can only see me as a thorn in his side, an unfortunate reminder of his weak and damaged state. In the contest between being loved by me and protecting his fragile self-image from any challenge, I come in a distant second.

Now I must reluctantly get on with the business of letting go of the future I had imagined for us and mourning the loss of the positive elements of our relationship, while steeling myself against entertaining any attempts at reconciliation.  Plus fighting the urge to punch a clown in the nuts.

Hey PN, Welcome!  You have come to the right place to discuss BPD issues openly and I'm glad you have decided to come out of the shadows.  Posting here gets thing out in the light of day, which can make a difference.  Most of us Nons are care-takers.  You sort of have to be in order to be in a r/s with a pwBPD.  From what you are saying, above, it seems this could apply to you, too.  What's hard to grasp, in my view, is that care-taking creates an unhealthy dynamic for the care giver as well as the recipient.  Are you familiar with the Serenity Prayer?  You might find it helpful.

Fill us in more, when you get a chance.

LuckyJim

I'd do it. You'll feel better.   *)

How long have you been together?  How long have you been separated?

P.S.  Do you share his conviction that you must split up?  (There's no right or wrong answer here).

We had our five year anniversary earlier this year. We’ve been separated only a few weeks, ever since I clumsily stepped on an eggshell (I got a little sarcastic after I had asked him to clarify a request and he gave me the exasperated eye roll and heavy sigh to indicate his disbelief that I could be so obtuse) and he abruptly canceled the vacation we were to begin the next day.  He behaved as per usual for a standard meltdown: the silent treatment, refusing to eat, sleeping in another room, avoiding me as much as possible. The next morning, he announced it was all over, and then he went off to see his therapist. He continued his avoidance for yet another night and day, so I packed a little bag and went to stay with my sister.

The next day he texted to request that we come to an agreement on dividing the marital assets, which took me aback. The day after that, Dad went into the hospital and passed away four days later, and sister and I went to be with our mother shortly thereafter. I returned only two days ago, so I have justifiably had to defer that discussion. I also started looking for a place of my own today, but unless something perfect and affordable comes up, I will probably stay with Mom in the short term.

I was thrown for a loop by his first meltdown, which hit at Christmastime right before our first anniversary. Each consecutive one seemed to push the envelope a little further. Everything came to a head a year and a half ago when he locked himself in the bedroom after brandishing several bottles of oxycodone and threatening to take them all.  He quit drinking after that involuntary commitment and went into weekly therapy. 

And things got better, for awhile anyway. Then, after a suitable honeymoon period, he began to test me again. He stayed sober, so his meltdowns were far less dramatic and destructive (and probably a lot less fun for him) and I was able to use validation to help him simmer down.  He nearly always had his meltdowns whenever there was a holiday or other occasion where we would be planning to get together with my family.

Following the worst of his non-alcoholic meltdowns, which occurred last summer while I was staying with my parents while Mom had open-heart surgery, we agreed to try a DBT course for couples.

I thought it went about as best as could be expected; he didn’t quite grasp that the mindfulness techniques were to be used to enhance his self-awareness and that self-validation was essential even if there was no external validation to be had. He tended to focus more on all the ways I was doing DBT wrong; I was supposed to be learning how not to trigger his anxiety. I was hoping for him to learn ways to help himself cope with his difficult feelings and for me to become more skillful at validation. So, he marked that experience in the Fail column.

I believe he probably did give it everything he thought he could, and being retired and therefore without any other reason to learn a different way of dealing with his inner turmoil, he has reasoned that it’s just too hard to keep trying to put up with the chaos and unpredictability of me being a person who occasionally has an independent thought or two.  Just as I have grown weary of living under threat of having my life turned upside down, I’m sure he feels just as tired of anticipating the next big drop on his emotional roller coaster.

I’m sad and I’m sorry that he feels he can’t continue our life together.  I will miss the good times we had, but I know I don’t want to keep riding his emotional roller coaster, either.  I love him so much, and I truly wish we could have worked it out.

I have my doubts that being apart is going to free him from his fears, but perhaps he will find some peace and learn that being alone with his feelings is not the worst thing in the world.

Hey Perry, Five years is a long time.  I'm sorry that things came to such an abrupt end.  What would you like to see happen at this point?  Suggest you be gentle with yourself for stepping on an eggshell, which is something we've all done in our BPD relationships.  I used to call it walking through a minefield (I'm divorced from my BPDxW).  I agree: the constant turmoil is exhausting, so give yourself a chance to find your center while staying with your Mom.

LJ

Thanks, Jim, I do not expect him to change his mind about divorce, so I am prepared to move ahead with my life. It appears there is little hope he will realize that the key to our relationship’s survival is for him to understand that he has more control over his emotional turmoil than he currently believes.  He feels this is tantamount to accepting the “blame” for the mess we’re in, no matter how many times I tell him that assigning blame is not anything that matters to me.

He carries a load of toxic shame that has all but destroyed his ability to feel hopeful or even to enjoy simple pleasures.  He was a widower when we met, so I would have ascribed any such melancholy to his lingering bereavement. Now I understand more fully the burden he struggles under as a pwBPD.  His misery is heartbreaking to me, but I also understand that I can’t fix him.

I completely relate to your reference to a minefield; I’ve made that analogy myself many times. My most recent metaphor for our relationship is that he is a burn victim and I am a porcupine. The slightest movement on my part causes him excruciating pain. I don’t intend to hurt him, but that doesn’t stop him from feeling traumatized.  Unfortunately, his requirement that I consistently behave in a manner that can guarantee he will never have a sad just isn’t realistic.

how are things going PN?

Hi Perry, sending love to you and family with the news of your father.

I resonate so deeply with your story. I separated from my BPDxh of 9 years and share a 7yr old son with him. Although my partner was not a substance user or suicidal, your description of day to day experiences are identical to mine... .being mad at yourself for cracking the egg shell by accident... .or during therapy I was the REAL problem insisting I was doing it wrong, I needed to take 50% blame (which is true to some extent) except I would call it 50% responsibility, like walk away and disengage when he's in a mood... .when he left it was sudden and immediate although over the years he would threaten me about once a year... .

I can tell you this,
I know you are in the early stages of divorce, and for me its was beyond devastating. After 6 months he came back to me and i gave him another chance - disaster - some of the worse abuse in out r/s. However, after that, its been about 2/3 weeks where I have now resolved to be done with this relationship romantically. It will come to you naturally don't force it, but when it does, WOW what an empowering relief! Say in your head "I love myself" over and over again... .mediate on it. We are in the habit of caring for them - worrying about them, them, them, them. Now it's all about you. Beautiful, wonderful deserving you.

Thanks, hopeful, I am working on making my life about me for a change.

I found a house, and will close on it in a month. I’m excited about starting over in a new place. I’ve been staying with my mother, and it’s been helpful for both of us to be together during this difficult time in our lives.  Today would have been my parents’ 56th wedding anniversary.

I haven’t been in the same room with my husband since his last meltdown; he refuses to see me. When I need to pick up my mail, or visit the animals, he absents himself. He has removed most of the traces of my existence from around the house and placed them in the spare room. Communication is completely by text message.  He has made it clear that he is done here, and that does make it easier for me to move on.

I am grateful to him for breaking the cycle and not begging me to come back after his last declaration that it’s over between us.  It really will be better for both of us to live separate lives.

Mine will be spent in my little house in the country, tending to my garden and my pets, and enjoying the peace and quiet and utter absence of drama.  Ya’ll are welcome to stop by for some iced tea and a slice of pie!

I should have expected that he’d begin to rewrite history now that I have crossed the Rubicon toward independence.  The breakup of our marriage and the resulting emotional devastation he feels is all down to me leaving him and making “knee-jerk decisions about our prospects for a future.” Nothing to do with him saying it’s over, we’re getting a divorce, here’s what we have to do according to the laws of our state, sign this separation agreement and quitclaim and I’ll buy you out of our house, here’s a detailed spreadsheet of all other marital assets and you can have anything I haven’t already claimed, etc.

It’s hard to see him so upset; it pulls at my heartstrings, to be sure. Yet, at the same time, it reminds me too much of what Homer Simpson said when he learned of the five day waiting period to buy a gun, “Five days? But I’m angry NOW!”

“Now” is the only thing that exists to a pwBPD. And whatever led up to it simply must be someone else’s fault. I have undoubtedly leapt to a crazy conclusion; when he said “divorce” it should have been obvious to me that he really meant “dog kennels.” Silly me, I’ve foolishly moved on with my life instead of maintaining a state of cat-like readiness in anticipation of his next mood swing.

My response was, “I don’t think it was good for either of us to be in a relationship that kept breaking apart every six to eight weeks. Maybe if we can make peace with ourselves while on our own, we can make peace with each other.”