BPDFamily.com

Hello fellow travellers,

I've not posted here in the better part of a year, though I often think of the people who were nice to me when I was low (such as Lakebreeze and her French restaurant (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315821.msg12908648#msg12908648)), and others who gave me advice and pointed me to helpful readings.

It remains a struggle ... .I put a lot of energy into validation, but it so often falls short.  Sadly I find that sustained validation often takes my uBPD-bf to quite a dark place - it's like he feels safe enough to talk about what's really going on deep inside, but it often disturbs me to be reminded just how dysfunctional & disregulated he is.

But the GOOD news is he's heading to the other side of the world this weekend, for a whole month.  I love him, but I'm really looking forward to a sustained break from him.  My own therapist is almost more excited than I am - he's practically insisting I let loose and my inner child run wild.     But for the first week I plan to just hibernate, pour myself some good wine, smoke a little weed _{(can I say that here?)} and just watch Netflix.

After re-emerging from the cave, the thing I am most looking forward to is spending time with some of the friends he has alienated.  On that subject, I wrote to an advice-column last month, and I really liked the thoughtful reply I got (for anyone interested: https://goo.gl/jtUCxW).

Finally, I'm hoping the break will give me some insight into whether I should keep doing this.  The happy moments seem very far apart these days, and I would like to have more of them.

*hugs to all*

Hi mousemat,

Welcome back! 

Although your partner is away do you really expect much freedom? I know at times I've expected that sort of thing, then realized that when he wants my partner can sort of keep his tentacles on me no matter where I am. For example, I was back in my home country for funerals many months back and he was constantly wanting to know where I was, what I had done, who I was with, etc., etc. He is still upset with me for a single hour of time with me that he lost back in... .oh, geez, last September. It feels like I will never hear the end of it that I didn't get to him fast enough when he WANTED to talk to me... .

But I didn't come to rain on your parade! I am happy for you! I hope this month can be all you dream of! 

It looks like you are weighing out whether to stay together or not, that is understandable! Perhaps you can tell us more about reasons you'd stay vs. why you'd go and get your thoughts out here. We can't tell you to stay or leave, but we can listen to how you feel and offer support on your journey.

warmly, pearl.

Thanks for the reply, Pearl.  You were right, he tried to keep up maximum contact during his month away, and when he got back he was angry at me for often not responding.

But the time alone reminded me of what it was like to "be the boss" of my own life.  So on his return, I started affirming my own position on a range of issues, which I'd previously been 'accommodating' him on.  It won't surprise anyone that conflict started rapidly escalating.  Thanks to the guidance of others, I could see it as trying to prevent my "bid for differentiation".  Though I know he works hard at his therapy, my gut feel was that we remained a long, long way from being able to disagree constructively.  I concluded it was pointless to continue living with this much pain.  I ended the relationship.

I'm heartbroken (as is he), but I don't doubt it was the right choice.  I fear for the future as a 50yo single introvert without a big circle of friends.  But maybe luck will favour me with another chance at love, as I also hope it will for him.  I guess I'll always love him in some way.

So, I'll pull up stumps here (as we Aussies say), and head over to the post-relationship page to start reading.

Thanks for the help posters on this page have given me.

Hi again mousemat,  

Oh my! We have a lot in common, I'm in the introvert club too, though I haven't hit the big 50 yet. I'm that point in my 40's where I say, "I"m almost 50 and... .blah, blah, blah".

Sorry your heart is feeling broken!  

I'll go look for ya on the other page when you start posting again. Really admire your moxie!  It feels so good to be the boss of one's own life!  

Thanks for the update!

take care, pearl.

Until I was 49yrs 11mths & 29.5 days old, I used to tell myself I was nowhere near 50.   

hahahahahahha!  thanks for the tip!

~pearl.