BPDFamily.com

Hi family,

So it has been 15 months since I left my dBPD partner.  I had to involve police in removing him from my property and was responsible for making him street homeless.  Not something I ever wanted to do.  During our time together and particularly the last few months I went through a great deal of trauma, fearing for my life and for his.  I struggled to work my way through untangling myself from a violent and emotionally damaging experience and came out of the other side.  I then fought through a year long family court battle to gain equal custody of my son who was removed from my home and placed in the care of his NP traits father as a result of my BPD partner's violence and my FOG at the time.  

I've dealt with guilt, shame, heartache, disillusionment and fear.  I have succeeded in removing risk of harm to me and my son from my life and have won the case in court where the outcome was ruled in my favour (his father was trying to take over main custody and reduce the time I spent with my son).  Yes it's been heavy going and after finally beginning to switch off the autopilot I've been functioning on, rather than feeling all the positive feelings one might associate with having come back from a very dark place, I was plunged into a deep depression and my PTSD symptoms made a most unwelcome resurgence.

The nightmares at their worst were nightly for the first 3 months or so after BPD ex was gone, the hyper vigilance was at it's worst for about 6 months and then the family court case had to take front and centre.  I numbed.  Flashbacks have never stopped and the medication I have been taking (SNRI now after trying 5 other antidepressants which all seem to interact with my other medication for a physical condition) seemed to help reduce the frequency and severity of my anxiety attacks, so I told myself I was improving.  In reality all that has happened is that all my own physical and emotional trauma has been dampened by the energy I've exerted around the loss of my son and working to get him back.  Now it is all coming up to the surface.

I've been seeing a counsellor for around 6 months and have just started therapy to explore my own traits, working on understanding the roots and the long term aim is to pull them up.  We're currently taking a CBT approach and examining low self esteem and the core beliefs that are formed in early life.  I was advised to stop seeing the counsellor as taking 2 approaches simultaneously may be a bit much for me, however I'm finding that so much is coming up that I want to speak to someone about this too.  

Mistakes I've made aplenty in my choices of past partners and some have been near lethal for me, so what I'm finding is that now - as in the beginning, other faces are coming up too.  This is on top of the impacts I'm still encountering from the horrors I witnessed and experienced with BPD ex.  It's overwhelming at times and I can feel panicked about all the hurt and feelings I've been suppressing for so long.  As far back as 26 years ago it turns out.  Right up to 15 months ago with the most recent events.  I practice mindfulness yet I'm too afraid to sit with some of these feelings.  They are too much for me and even touching upon some of them is sickening.  I also don't know where to start.  But I know I have to, in a controlled, safe way and very very gradually.  At the moment I am being presented with too much all at once and I feel like I need to step out of my life to go to a retreat and just process.  No such luck!  

With BPD ex there was so much police, ambulance and hospital involvement that now I regret living so close to both a police station and a major area hospital.  Every time I see the blue lights or hear a siren I'm triggered.  This has been going on since within the r/s.  My counsellor is working with me to re frame the thoughts but the reaction is instantaneously physical and although planting the deliberate thoughts helps to stop things from snowballing, how I long for the days when I wasn't affected this way.  I always thought of myself as a strong person and in those moments I feel damaged.  Recovery feels too far away at times.  

Last night I dreamed that I was with a loving partner, feeling secure, safe and happy.  Randomly it was Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory - but I think that part is irrelevant.  To me he symbolised someone I felt no threat from.  We were walking around a shop that sold lovely things made from glass - something I like is hand crafted artistic pieces that are unique although I'd never have funds to spare to splash out on such items in my current situation.  It seems it was my birthday and he was encouraging me to select whatever I wanted as he'd buy me anything I wished for.  Oddly I felt comfortable with that, trusting somehow.  I've always had a wariness of being bought and find it hard to accept things from others.  As I turned a corner, there was the smiling face of a boyfriend who had been violent towards me when I was young.  The man had the audacity to say my name cheerfully as though it was the most normal thing and we were old friends.
 He had raged and thrown items of furniture - like armchairs! - at me, choked me by pinning me down by the throat using his forearm with his full body weight behind it (luckily pulled off me by male friends who came to visit) and repeatedly smashed the back of my head into a tiled bathroom wall as he held onto my hair either side of my face.  I was flooded with fear.  There it was, as fresh as it had felt at the time.  Pure terror.

I've talked numerous times here about how my BPD r/s was a catalyst for me to taking the steps and getting the help I always wanted in understanding myself better, working through core wounds and growing as a person into someone capable of trusting again, and having a healthy relationship.  It was also a catalyst for a lot of pent up pain and torment, fear and anguish to rise up and make itself known, demanding to be accepted and processed.

Too many members experience violence and suicide threats, isolation and other abusive behaviours in their relationships and I feel it's important to talk about the longer term effects.  If you also were subjected to domestic violence or are encountering the symptoms of PTSD, especially trauma that is complex, I'd love to hear how you're doing and what helps you to cope.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.  I've been meaning to post about this for too long.

Love and light x            

Hey Harley Quinn, Thanks for your courageous post.  It takes guts to face these sensitive, painful issues.  I admire your willingness to speak openly about your wounds.  Bringing these matters out into the clear light of day goes a long way towards healing from them, in my view.  I kept quiet about so much for so long.  No more.  From here on, it's a journey towards authenticity for me.  My goal is to love myself enough that I will never again be the object of anyone's abuse.

Have more to say and will be back later.

LuckyJim

I admire your courage in facing your pain and doing what is right for your son. So many times, we cannot bring ourselves to face our deepest pain because when we start to do so more pain surfaces, and it seems like the pain and distress are never ending. It may help to think of yourself as someone who is very sensitive to being overstimulated and triggered by the 5 senses, people, and events in ways that would not necessarily upset most people. It could be helpful to give yourself more quiet time, though in the beginning as you are experiencing now, the time spent in mindfulness may be so overwhelming you can be tempted to just keep busy to not feel the pain. Jon Cabot Zinn has found that spending around 45 minutes a day in mindfulness practices will eventually improve mental and physical health for most people, even the most severely traumatized by long term child and relational abuse. The challenge is to start the mindfulness practices because of the overwhelming pain and over stimulation that can happen when trying to quiet the mind. It might help to do a mindfulness practice in places where others are present like in a park, or with your therapist present to help you when you get overwhelmed. My heart goes out to you. I really appreciate how kind and caring you are when you help others who post on this site. Please remember that the kind caring presence that you are showing to others on this board is available to help you feel better and to get to a place where life will be more about joy than constant emotional pain. Take care and keep us posted on how you are doing.

Thank you LJ and Zachira for your responses.  It's comforting to be given a soft landing after a heavy post and that's exactly what makes this place feel like a safe space to share.  Really appreciate your thoughtful responses.

I will update the thread periodically with new thoughts and perhaps more about the  disturbing memories as I have them come up (apologies in advance to readers), as already talking about the dream has allowed me to let the fear of what it represents go and it's become more of a positive message to me that I am doing the right thing in taking this perilous journey into uncharted waters.   Unless I do the work to rid myself of the demons of my past I will never feel safe and secure in my future.  I've carried all this collective trauma with me for so long and I look forward to the day that my load is so much lighter.  With people like yourselves here to speak to along the way I know it will be less of a burden.

Love and light x   

Harley,

Thank you for sharing your story.  I am truly sorry you have been through so much turmoil. Further, I wish to thank you for the help, support, and kindness you have shown me over these last weeks. 

You seem to be a quite a very rare human being -thoughtful, caring and insightful.

Your strength and determination to overcome adversity and seek personal growth is inspirational. 


Best wishes,


Wicker Man

Me too Harley,

Posting from the smart phone so please excuse my brevity but I wanted to pop in and say me too.

I have been diagnosed with a form of complex trauma.  Something I am ashamed of.  And unfortunately when I shared with a few people I got some odd reactions.

It's not blue lights or sirens that get me.  It's a particular make and model of car.  And one particular place.    I hyperventilate.     Shhhhesh.    How embarrassing.

I did want to say,  it gets better.   I am much better than I was a year ago.    No comparison to 18 months ago.

Hang in there HQ.  And thank you for the thread.

Thank you Wicker Man for your reply.  

I see life as a journey full of lessons, so as crazy as this sounds, I wouldn't change anything that I've experienced.  I always aim to get real with myself and although I may have been near death on occasion I also lived.  I still have learning to do and what I've been through in my life has shaped me into the person I am.  I'm actually OK with who that is, despite the ingrained core beliefs that affect my decision making.  Looking closely at ourselves can be hard and I guess with anything we admit about ourselves, it's not always pretty or with pride, but recognising where we have gone wrong allows us to make different choices.  Or at least do the work to get us to that place.  That's where I'd like to be and certainly where I plan to go.

Your words have brightened this cloudy afternoon.

Love and light x

babyducks I'm so glad you replied!  Thanks for the encouragement and for sharing your experience.  I'm so sorry that your sharing with others has received such reactions.  What is it about this that makes you feel ashamed?  I think I understand what you might be feeling.  It has taken me the longest time to post about this. 

Since I was 16 I am triggered by greyhounds.  Seriously.  I instantly cringe, have a pounding heart and feel physically sick at the sight of innocent dogs.  I absolutely love animals too.  It's so off the wall that I can understand others not really getting it.  The memory attached is just too hard.  That one really sent my life in a whole new direction so there's a lot of weight to it.  I may share about that when I'm ready as it came up in counselling recently and I've packaged it back up until the right time.  One step at a time.

Hope to hear more from you and felt very moved by the 'me too'.

Love and light x

Simply take a few moments and look at how much you have given on this board.  You should be so proud of the person you are right now.  I have been astonished over and over at your ability to know just what to say--giving people in pain succor, hope and helping to point them in the right direction on their path to healing.

If you recall I asked if you were a health care professional -because of your light, but deft helping hand.

Yes... .life is a journey and we all must accept our past and learn from it going forward.  Introspection is difficult and painful, but it is the way to a better and healthier future. 

During all of this introspection we must keep an eye on the present -to be thankful for the gifts we have in this moment. 

As silly as it sounds I have always taken a moment each morning to be thankful I am healthy enough to get out of bed.  This simple ritual reminds me I am, on some level, fortunate.

I hope you find some sunshine today.


Wicker Man

Not silly at all.  Gratitude is an important part of my routine also.  You're right in that we can get so lost in the past or the future that we lose sight of now and now is a precious gift.  That's why we call it the present.  Yes, as I go through this uncomfortable process of facing my past I shall remember to balance that with remaining present in the here and now.  Thank you for that reminder.

Sun genuinely breaking through  *)

Love and light x 

I am currently reading Power of Now by Tolle.  It is hard to absorb some of his lessons, but the book has a powerful and useful message.  

I realize I sought what he speaks of in his book through hobbies which demanded absolute presence in the moment.  Now I have to try to bring this lesson into my day to day life.  So much to learn... .ugh.

As motorcycle riders say 'Keep the shiny side up' :)

I have a couple of his books including that one and have listened to audio of him delivering lessons.  He is quite intense but a very wise man.  If you're able to gain access to an MBSR (mindfulness based stress relief, developed by Jon Kabat Zinn) course in your area I can recommend it.  I applied mindfulness to my life before it had a name, in that I was very present moment oriented in my every day living plus I meditated and doing the course honed my 'way' into a set of skills that are very useful.  There isn't anyone who wouldn't benefit. 

Having conversed with you I have become appreciative of the crystals around me in my home today and also thought about other healing practices I have done in the past which I ought to resurrect to support myself through this process of recovery.  Thanks for starting me thinking.

Zachira also made some good suggestions about how and where I practice and the park idea has been growing on me.  We have a gorgeous big park nearby and I really feel at peace surrounded by trees.  Adding that calming element may well make my practice easier to stay with.  As my counsellor repeatedly tells me I must consider my emotional safety.  I'm glad I have her.

Love and light x   

Dear @HQ,
I’m sorry that you had to endure such harsh realities in the past. You are a true survivor and beyond that, you are beautiful voice on this forum. I know first hand, what it feels like when seemingly benign thing turns into a trigger. Just like you experience PTSD with sirens and lights, I too feel triggered around the toothpaste, if you remember my story. I’m not sure if it’s appropriate to ask, but how did your son come to live with your in laws? What is the current custody arrangement?
I’m currently enrolled in DBT online program, it’s already feeling better as I’m diligently following the breathing and staying mindful while tolerate the crisis. Which happens daily, in different magnitudes. I hope that you will be able to heal from your trauma, as Marsha Linehan says “just one breath”. Every time I get tiggered I say that to myself

Hi Snowglobe, it's great to hear from you.  I'm sorry that you're feeling similarly around the toothpaste and I can fully understand why.  In fact I'm amazed you are going in the bathroom.  That takes guts after what you've been through.  
So pleased that you are getting great support from your DBT and finding it helpful.  I am really glad that you shared about this.  Yes, one breath at a time we will heal.  

It is a very long story about my son being removed from my home, but I was deep deep in the FOG through my partner's manipulative use of serious self harm to de stabilise and emotionally blackmail me (his very first episode was him slicing his arm wide open with a large kitchen knife creating a huge pool of blood on my floor and I literally thought he might die from blood loss) and frequent ongoing suicide attempts.  I'll no doubt talk more about all the details of this as the thread progresses.  

I'd blown open the violence publicly after he hit me once in front of my son which was a major boundary violation (notice how the fact he was violent to me wasn't enough for me to do that but the fact it was in front of my son was) and social services were involved.  

Without warning I was given the option to turn him out onto the street at a second's notice and I couldn't bring myself to as I knew he would immediately try yet again to kill himself but with more determination than ever.  I'd been manipulated beyond recognition by the constant drama and traumatising events that had occurred previously.  He'd had to be found by the police on numerous occasions because when for a split second he reconsidered he'd call for medics but refuse to then give his whereabouts.  Either that or I'd be worried sick because of his very real and present intention (there was a look of total detachment and determination that would underline this on several occasions) and call them to help find him to safeguard his life.  

He knew he had me controlled as he ensured I was the only person who knew what his intention was and therefore I had no option but to make his safety my responsibility and to act.  It was beyond my love for him that the fear of his success was there - I'd been forced into a position where I felt a social responsibility for someone's life, being the only person with awareness who could alert somebody.  The waiting for the police to knock on the door, give descriptions of what he was wearing, places he might be seen, giving statements, waiting for updates, warning hospital staff of his temperament, fielding calls from him, beseeching him to go with the police, the list goes on.  Yes I absolutely had reinforced the behaviour as his therapist had warned me was a risk, which is what she explained to both of us his actions were designed to do.  I couldn't see an alternative or a way out of the spiral.  I was living in another dimension and I couldn't take it any more.  I had no doubt that the suicide attempt would happen and just wanted to find a way that didn't involve that happening.    

I'd been reduced to an anxious mess who loved this man yet also knew that he was destroying my soul, fearing for not only his life, but how mine would look with a death on my conscience (notice how I'd assumed responsibility for his actions).  The anxiety of the entire situation was totally overwhelming.  Although I attempted to make arrangements to get my son to his father's home temporarily whilst finding somewhere to send my partner in order to get him out of my home without making him street homeless - something he had impressed upon me that he feared enough to without a doubt kill himself (I was conditioned), social services took things out of my hands.  Once he was there, his father decided that no matter what happened he wasn't going to give my son back.

Something I need to add, for my own peace of mind, as otherwise this story looks very different to the reality that I experienced.  My son had not been present for any of the drama.  He was happy and settled and liked my partner a lot.  In fact they adored one another.  My boundaries on his emotional well being and safety had always been respected.  They were loud and clear.  Everything that I went through with my partner had happened when my son was not around.  He stayed with his father frequently as part of our care arrangement, but lived with me.  

My partner was abusive.  He was selective about when things happened and it only went on when I was without my son.  It was as though he contained all of it during the time my son was there and then purged himself of the angst and rage when he left.

Thank you for asking me to talk about this.  I'm glad to share it.  There are many victims who find themselves in this alternate reality and are so psychologically worn down that they don't know which way to turn and are losing sight of themselves entirely.  I am glad to cast a light on it and hope that it lets someone know they are not alone.    

Love and light x  

  

    

Howdy Harley,

Wow, you've got alot going on your plate. I certainly hope that you're not single-handedly managing this by your own. From what you've shared, it seems that you do have a certain degree of post-trauma. I'm really sorry that you've had to juggle so many things in these 15 months. Custody of your son, work, therapy and then caring for your son as well.

It must have been so tough, lonely and discouraging to face all the above at one go. But yet, you've done well staying afloat. I also noticed that you've mentioned that you've been suppressing your feelings for sometime and i'm concerned that sometimes in doing so, it can become "muted" pain. I'm sharing this because after telling my own therapist that i've been delaying my own grief, there is a possibility that we would "mute" our pain and grief instinctively. I didn't know how to grief, and it seemed very "normal" or status quo for me to just bear so much pain until my heart became numb.

I'd still encourage you to be in constant therapy seeing the severity/complexity of your situation. It would certainly be difficult to navigate alone. My only caution or concern is that, there are so many knots to undo, so many things which may have been ingrained and programmed - the maladaptive behaviours. Working on so many simultaneously, or working on them too quickly may cause a "feedback" and shock your system. So Harley, go easy on yourself and only do so when you're ready, and your therapist has sufficiently considered that you're ready to proceed with something new.

While there are so many dimensions to the human being - physical, intellectual, sexual, spiritual, emotional etc. My therapist told me, which i agree also, is that we are first emotional beings. I've concluded in my way that as humans, we primarily need to be understood ( validated emotions ) and to be loved ( a sense to be needed and connected ).  When our emotions are not addressed or met, it really messes us up. I know it did for me when i refused to address them.

Thank you for sharing your heart to us in this thread. As much as we play various roles here and technically i've been here much shorter than the other members, still, we are here as a community for you too.

Takecare and takeheart,
Spero.

Thank you Spero.  That really means a lot and I'm going to give your thoughts on muted pain some consideration.  I do seem to be able to close off my feelings sometimes when I find myself in a stressful or traumatic situation.  My previous counsellor and I stumbled across the connection and we agreed that it's a coping mechanism to help me to manage when things are utterly overwhelming.  I am going to give some thought to what you've said and appreciate your advice about pacing myself.  I do have a tendency to want to get to the finish line and I know I must sit with the discomfort of this being a long term process and be gentle with myself. 

Thanks Speedy     

@HR,
Thank you for sharing your journey, any life is worth to be lived, sometimes it doesn’t come through as that. You are strong and passionate person, as I observed. You had the high moral stakes of keeping someone alive, it’s noble admired. I too, find myself trying to keep my marriage, for the sake of everyone in this boat, my children, my parents, my partner. I firsthand know what the “d” word does on a child, I loved it. What I’m careful about, are verbal threats my uBPDh made about jumping out of a moving car on a highway and threats to burn the house down, when he refused to come down during my birthday celebration and our friends insisted, unknowingly. Is he really capable of doing that, or is it all an act? I keep on asking myself this question, and in truth, I don’t know. We have a large arsenal of weapons in the house, he is avid lover and a collector... .he is good at target practice. He tells me that “you are my toy”... .do you see the logic?. I’m not a human, young vibrant woman, as I like to think of myself, I’m not intelligent, I can never “ask” for physical intimacy, for I know that I will be rejected 90% of the time, in his eyes, I’m his toy... .if he was ever threatened to loose this toy, how far would he go? In the past he made verbal threats to “take the kids away, the house, leave me penniless and so on”, never did he threaten my existence. I’m trying to work on myself through DBT and stop making bad situations worse.

Hi Harley Quinn,

I found that the low self esteem and the core beliefs from childhood really played into and wrecked havoc with my ability to handle trauma and stress.   Most especially the low self esteem.

I wonder if you have found Pete Walker and his C-PTSD work as you heal?   and if you found it useful?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273679.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273679.0)

Walker says this:   


from here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315252.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315252.0)

I found I had a toxic inner critic with over developed alarmist tendencies.    *)    Shrinking the inner critic has paid dividends in that when I have a flashback now, they are less virulent, less dehibilatating.    as silly as it may sound,... I had to work on saying positive things to myself.  to deliberately change my inner self talk from negative to positive.   a lot of my flashbacks were fired off from an inner critic who was always looking for safety.

'ducks

That's quite a story. Thank you for sharing.

I have certain triggers as well, and I'm learning to work through them. I stayed in the area, but it helped a lot when we moved.

Yoga has helped me recognize and deal with the stress that I tend to hold in my body. I had to learn to recognize when my anxiety was going up and what poses help with that. I tend to hold anxiety and feel like I can't deal with it, which is a spiral down. When I let it go, I feel like I can cope and move forward.

Doing a lot of walking has been good too. Our new neighborhood has a lot more mature trees, and I've enjoyed that.

Last night I went to a graduation and then went to dinner with the graduate and friends, and it was glorious. I kept thinking how that is what life really is. Celebrating and enjoying being with others!

ducks, I'm really grateful that you directed me to the workshop.  Yes I've looked at Pete Walker's stuff on here before but have just ordered the book and will look forward to reading it.  What struck me in the workshop was a post from another member which I'd not spotted before and it has really resonated with me.  Some things have fallen into place which are causing me to question my diagnosis.  I'll let you know what I discover from my further delving into Pete Walker's work and thanks for sharing what you've found for yourself.  Positive self talk is never a bad thing and we could all do more of it I'm sure.

MeandThee, thanks for your reply.  It's great to hear that you have found mindful ways to ease the anxiety which work well for you.  It sounds like you're also having some grateful realisations around connecting with others, which is a key way to access the soothing emotional system - and as a semi hermit when my son isn't around this is something I can definitely do better at. 

I'm a fellow yogi and am interested to know which poses you find most helpful for yourself?  I practice Iyengar yoga but sadly my regular class was on an evening I now have my son under the court order so I don't have that regular 'appointment' to practice any more.  I really must start to incorporate a practice into my gym visits.  Thanks for the positive insight into your recovery.

Love and light x

Hey there Harley,


I'm glad to hear that you're taking time to think how you've been reacting to situations, and that kind of consciousness helps give us some gauge of where we were last time and where we are right now. Awareness, introspection, and positive action brings about the change ( sometimes slow ) that we so need. I am very much an introverted extrovert and my default mode is just to be left alone so I can recharge. That however also has the propensity to become an unhealthy coping mechanism if i just locked myself up and close up.

Unfortunately, that maladaptive way of coping is one which i was most comfortable and most familiar. You might say, that it is to a certain degree "disassociation" or "disengagement". Our brain's own survival mechanism - in order to survive and knowing that the emotions might be too overwhelming, it just "shuts off" or "these traumas or emotions" or boxed up somewhere and kept under the lid. Only issues is... .it'll always be under the lid and it'll come out... .either because the emotions cannot be suppressed any longer or when something external reminds us that we've not dealt with it. In that sense its kinda "muted"

i've had to ask myself why do i persist or insist in carrying so much when i know its easier to let go? I either didn't know how to, or i was so used to carrying pain as a habit, it felt strange not to carry it. Well, i told my therapist, that it is not so much the struggle of not knowing what im doing or what im carrying, trying to cross the river seems difficult, and i honestly don't know how to sometimes. So the irony is that... I may know alot about myself, but am i my own best friend? I'm more intellectually connected to myself than emotionally connected. I don't know if that might be how're navigating internally, but it was for me at least. But that being said, i'm now more aware of my own internal emotional landscape. So, i suppose i'd bounce the same question of how aware is one of his/her own emotional landscape and feelings?

Speedy

Hi Snowglobe,

How do you feel when he calls you his toy?  That's got to be shocking to hear.  I really feel for you.


On top of this his threats to burn the house down, jump out of a moving car... .Boy your husband really doesn't pull any punches does he?  I can imagine the level of fear all this can cause for you.  Him having an arsenal of weapons must also be intimidating.  You are wise to start taking care of your own emotional needs by doing the DBT.  That's a huge step towards improving things for yourself in how you cope and manage all the feelings and thoughts you must be having.  Kudos to you for doing that.  Stick with it.  

Love and light x

When I was younger, I chuckled and though it was amusing, like a pet name. Now that I’m a grown woman, I realize that it’s more of the possessiveness and immaturity on his part. After all, the toy doesn’t have any desires, needs, wants, it’s only purpose is to entertain and comfort the owner. It’s a scary though, but through DBT lense I see it’s more reflection of him, then me. Just one breath at a time... .

Hi HQ,

Thank you so much for this amazing thread! I have not experienced the same level of abuse or trauma, but you have inspired to me notice this symptom of numbness I've been dealing with in the past few months. It's new for me, this level of it and this much of it. I just notice at times I feel nothing inside. And not in a good zen way!

I have some lingering trauma/shock from the toughest experiences in this relationship, and while relatively minor by comparison, I'm sure I'd get over this relationship relatively soon if/when I leave it, I don't want to keep adding to it and I don't want to live a numbed out life. I want to remain in touch with my feelings, belief in myself, and just to simply live with hope... .I find that is one of the starkest parts of all this, when I just want to give up on everything... .But I am sure good things will come in life when this movie finishes and the next one starts. I just don't want to leave until I'm satisfied I've done all I can... .If I go I want no reason to ever go back... .

with compassion and  , pearl.

   HQ, I am so sorry for what you’re feeling. I cried while reading your post. It took me back to my childhood.

You went through horrific things. Please be kind to yourself. I’m not going to ask you questions about what you should do with this. I’m not qualified to do that. I can relate to the abuse. It wasn’t from a SO, though. It was from my adoptive parents. I relate to the terror that you felt.

You are such a great contributor to this site, HQ. You are great at being there for others. We all need each other around here. I wish that the world around us operated like this forum does. How great would that be?

The sirens are hard. The blue lights are hard. They’re a trigger.

You’re strong HQ. Maybe look out the window and try to replace that fear with curiosity? Maybe try to put on your walking shoes and go see what the emergency is about?

Reading your post sent rushes through my body. I can only imagine how you’re feeling.

You know, everything is going to be ok for you.

Hi Pearl,

I know exactly what you mean about it not being in a good zen way.  Sometimes it's shocking and scary to me that I can be going through something so completely awful, and literally feel nothing at all.  I know it's not healthy and that I should be feeling something, in fact not just something but a LOT of somethings and in a big way.  It's not a conscious decision to become numb, or a refusal to accept - it's like my unconscious mind deciding that it's too big for me to handle and just closing everything off.  It's a very uncomfortable and disconcerting thing at times.  Because beneath that I know the true feelings are there somewhere in the recesses of my mind and certainly in my body.  It all works it's way to the surface one way or another eventually.  I'd much rather, as you said, remain in touch with my feelings and not live a numbed out life. 



I say this with love - you sound like I did.  It took for me to lose my son and begin living from one moment to the next not quite knowing if one or both of us (BPDex and I) might wind up dead for me to wake up and smell the roses.  There was nothing I ever could have done to change his BPD.  I knew what I was in for.  The choice I had to make was do I accept what I've experienced already as an ongoing experience or do I not accept it?

Thanks for your reply.  It's good to know I'm not alone in feeling strange that I don't feel sometimes. 

Love and light x   

Hi JNChell,

I'm so sorry that you know the terror too.  It's awful to feel so unable to do or change anything when faced with these moments that can be so surreal in their abnormality and unexpectedness - even when we ought to expect them - if that makes sense.  I can imagine that feeling of helplessness as a young person who is dependent on someone for care must be extremely traumatic.  You don't need to share unless you want to and I hope that you're giving yourself the best care now as an adult and keeping yourself safe in every respect.  I so feel for you having been through such terror as a child and I'm sorry this thread was triggering for you.  We are safe here.   

I hear you.  I become very attached to people or places that allow me to feel safe and supported on an emotional level - basically things that I know benefit me in managing both my pain and mental health.  My creative well being classes that I'm prescribed are one such place.  I know when my courses end I will struggle to transfer the self care and calming aspect of the programme into my own life and will feel sad to lose the regular time set aside for my own growth.  Things can't always be there for us though, or else we'd never learn to grow for ourselves.  Even though I feel like the programme is a life raft I need to cling to right now to help me get through, there will come a time when I'm in better shape and feel ready to stand on my own two feet.  We need that stark reality, as brutal as it can be.  As much as I'd dearly love to stay at that place forever!

Thanks for your suggestions on how to reframe the triggering incidents.  All suggestions are always welcome, and I will certainly try this out.


JNChell, you couldn't possibly know this, but these exact words carry a deep personal meaning to me, and I'm so grateful that you said them.  That phrase in my memory has carried me through a lot of dark times and OK maybe caused me to be a teensy bit reckless at times but yes, I truly believe it will be.  Thank you.   

       

Hey Speedy,

Thanks for sharing your own experience.  I think you understand entirely what I experience by the sounds of it.  I described it as dissociation when I met with a psychiatrist to talk about possible diagnoses.  I also wonder how much of it stems from not feeling as though I was allowed to feel, or that my feelings were unacceptable as a child.  I still have a long way to go on that one and don't want to try as you said, to cover off too much at once.  Let's just say I'm glad I'm through that waiting list finally for the therapy!  I know it's going to be a long road for me. 

It's also wonderful to be able to write here as things come up and to speak to others who can relate or at least have the capacity to understand.  In my immediate family and friends I don't have that luxury very often.  Those who are willing listeners I don't want to burden with all of my troubles as I love them and they have difficulties of their own, so I share selectively. 

I also tend to close off literally when I'm going through a time of things.  If my depression or anxiety / both are severe for example, I go quiet and want to be alone.  It's hard to speak about what I'm going through, whilst I'm going through it.  Afterwards I can reflect back very easily and it's not about being a private person - because I'm really not - it's more a case of being unable to put things into words when I'm overwhelmed by my experience or lacking the will to talk about anything at all... .

So my friends may hear nothing from me for a couple of weeks at a time and then they'll really push me to re emerge and will get a rundown of what has been going on.  Lucky for me they know me well and take it in their stride.  In the past some people have taken it personally when I've withdrawn and I've respected that.  I just need space to work through things myself in my own way and those who love me understand that.

I'm certainly going to give your other comments some thought.  You have some valid points around being more intellectually connected to ourselves than emotionally.  With regards my internal emotional landscape, after too many years of suppressing impacts of some extremely frightening and disturbing events, I'd say it's a mess.  In fact the landscape right now I'm visualising is one of a post apocalyptic scene.  Piece by piece I will rebuild.

Love and light x

Hey Harley, Agree, it's important to talk about our experiences with abusive behaviors because many of us (read: Me) swept them under the rug for so long.  Plus, it's particularly awkward or even embarrassing for a Male to admit that he was the object of abuse by a Female, even though it happens everyday.  There's this myth, or assumption, that only women are subject to domestic violence and abuse.  Not so.

Another reason why I think it's good to talk about our experiences is because we men tend to be reluctant to discuss our deepest feelings in order to maintain an aura of invincibility.  Maybe it's a cliche but there's a kernel of truth in it: we don't talk much about our wounds, particularly at the hands of women.  Yeah, we're stoics by nature.

Yet silence is the ally of the abuser and many of us, male and female alike, are ashamed to talk about abuse, so we keep the peace while muttering platitudes to ourselves about relationships being hard work and what it means to be committed.

I'll share a quick story.  Things got so bad around my house that my T reported me and my BPDxW to the State for possible child abuse, not because of any physical harm to our kids, but because of the potential harm to them from living in a household where abuse was going on.  The investigation turned up no basis for a finding of child abuse, but it was a wake-up call to me that it was an unhealthy scenario for the kids. 

In fairness, I acted in ways that I'm not proud of under immense pressure from an abusive spouse.  My kids heard me use words that I am loathe to repeat and which I have never used again after separating from my Ex.  Abuse takes a toll on everyone in the family and I like to think that I did the right thing by leaving and putting an end to a high-conflict household, for the benefit of my kids.  Whether that proves the right move for the kids remains to be seen, but I reached a point where I could no longer continue in a marriage to a pwBPD.

I'll end this post with a quotation from Harley Quinn, who I think puts it well:


Thanks to all,
LuckyJim

Thanks LJ for opening up to us on this topic.  It is very brave of you to do so, especially as it seems there's often a natural discomfort in that which is handed down to the male of the species and I respect you for pushing this aside.  

Sorry to hear about what you went through with the investigation.  I can relate to the horror of your parenting coming under scrutiny and facing potential frightening consequences.  It's unimaginable for any parent.  So glad that it was decided the children were not at risk of harm and also that in fact the whole situation led you to think about your own wellbeing and that of the kids.  I'm sure that not being around abuse of their father can only be a positive thing for them.  What I find since separating from my son's father is that I'm able to be a more effective parent without the disruption of dysfunction in the home.  I can provide the calm and nurturing environment he deserves and be the parent to set a good example of what healthy looks like.  I hope that you also find many benefits in your r/s with the children these days in contrast to that time.  

Have you spoken out to anyone else regards what went on in the marriage?  Are there ways in which what happened still affects you?

Love and light x  

Thanks, HQ.  Sorry to be hijacking your thread!   :)

Your courageous post about "blue lights" struck a chord with me, perhaps because I declined to call 911 on several occasions when my BPDxW was threatening suicide.  Maybe I should have made the call, but the kids were asleep upstairs and I feared that it would be traumatic for them to wake up to "blue lights" outside.  Plus, I always thought that my Ex was crying wolf.  I tell myself that I would have made the call if I thought that she was serious about going through with it, but who knows?  The news about Kate Spade's death was a grim reminder that some carry it out.

Yes, it was incredibly stressful to go through a child abuse investigation, yet it did cause me to think hard about my wellbeing and that of the kids.

I like to think that it's been better for the kids to be out of a high conflict situation, though it's hard to say as I don't see them that much.  Time will tell.

Yes, I've addressed what went on in my marriage with two excellent therapists, who have been a tremendous help.

I doubt anyone can go through a long-term abusive marriage to a pwBPD without lingering effects so, sure, it still affects me, but not in a debilitating way.  From time to time I experience strong feelings, which I acknowledge and let pass.  I reach out to supportive family and friends when things get painful, which helps me to process my emotions.

Glad to hear you can be a more effective parent these days by providing a calm and nurturing environment.  Of course I subscribe to the concept of a calm environment for kids, which is a big reason why I had to leave.

I have more to say and could write a lot more, but at this point I think I'll just say:

To be continued . . .

Thanks to all,
LuckyJim

No hijack at all LJ.  I started this thread in the hopes that not only can I have a good outpour but others too.  The suicide threats are so hard.  Your post reminded me of how I lived such a surreal double life, keeping everything all tranquil and happy families when my son was home - like you, making decisions so that he was unaffected - and then all hell breaking loose when he left.  Unfortunately he did see police in my home before the end, when everything got completely out of control and the two worlds collided.

I'm glad you feel able to share.   

Love and light x

Just a quick update.  I had my third therapy session today and it was heavy going.  Am doing my best to be kind to myself now and go easy on the expectations (not something I'm great at).  I informed her that a lot of stuff is coming up the last couple of weeks and I'm feeling quite overwhelmed from the extent of the long term trauma I'm tapping into. 

She was very understanding and assured me that we're going through the hardest part right now, as we're uprooting a lot of things and then it feels like we're doing nothing with it.  She explained that we will and that it begins to get easier and all make sense as we move through the stages, so not to worry.  She did however ask if I was coming back! 

Next session is in a fortnight which is good as I have a lot of digesting to do and some early years realisations to process.  Although it's quite daunting knowing how much I must work through, I am feeling optimistic.  It's hard to not want to cut to the end at times but I know it all has a purpose.  I trust her.  That really helps.

May peace find us all tonight.

Love and light x

Congratulations on your third therapy session.   What good work you are doing.   I've been through a few heavy sessions in my day.    It's always seemed funny odd how that goes.    Just when I think I am all in control and done with these pesky emotional flashbacks …. BOOM.

What do you do to be kind to yourself?   I find being outside greatly helpful.

When I first started in therapy I had a goal to be done in a year.    Thankfully that didn't last long as it wasn't very helpful.    I'll be done when I am done.    And because I am worth it, I just might linger longer than I absolutely need too.

I like what Lucky Jim said about abuse taking a toll.   It changed me in ways I certainly wasn't expecting.    What has been nice though is that I have been able to conciously rebuild, to make choices about what I wanted to add and create in my life.     I have this post it note on my wall.   It says "I am the architect of my life; I build it's foundation and choose its contents."    Which is true.   Events and others are not pushing me in a direction any longer.    I am driving things.  I am not sure what I am going to be at the end of all this but I now see it as the process of a lifetime.

'ducks

Hey HQ & babyducks,

Here's a quick story from the weekend that reveals a little about how my former marriage to a pw/BPD continues to affect me.  A female friend, let's call her Jane, invited me out to the movies.  Jane and I haven't seen each other for several weeks, in part because I was ticked off that she neglected to respond when I invited her to accompany me to a business event.  I found it rude that she never bothered to get back to me about the invitation, and was thinking, how hard is it to send a quick email or text message?

My point here is that I get on high alert if I sense that someone is treating me poorly, the way my BPDxW did, so I dropped Jane for a while and have been keeping her at a distance.  I'm super sensitive post-BPD r/s if I perceive that anyone is being disrespectful to me.  It's about self-love; I can't allow anyone to walk over me again.

Anyway, after the movie, Jane and I went out for a drink.  Turns out her birthday was more or less the same day as that business event and I had blown off her birthday (yes, she had told me when it was).  I was so caught up in protecting myself from what I perceived as a social slight that I totally forgot about her birthday!

So I would say, Yes, it does still affect me.  We had a laugh and things are back on an even keel with Jane.

LJ



 

Indeed!  I'm with babyducks.  Congrats on the third therapy session.  How are things going?

Hi all,

Sorry I've been MIA from this thread for a few days.  I'll catch up soon with replies to everyone.  Thanks for your responses.

Ducks, I was smiling from ear to ear when I read this in your post:


Thanks for sharing your excellent description of how it is to experience this open ended process and your positive affirmation/mantra/what you will (plus I love a good post it).  I couldn't agree more.  We seem to be on a similar journey. 

Regards being kind to myself, sometimes that means giving myself a break and expecting less rather than applying the usual inner pressure to be everything to all people all hours of the day.  If I need space, quiet, peace and to just be, then I'm taking it (not consistently, but getting better at that).  I also like to be outdoors, and enjoy walking.  With my physical health condition cold weather rules that out but we're blessed with an actual summer currently here, so I leave the car at home and walk everywhere I can.  Going to the gym is a real kindness usually, although I find that a trigger now and am gently easing in very very gradually over time.  If I can restore my old routine I'll be really happy with myself for combating that and so will my body!

Keep up the great work on your process and thanks 

Love and light x

Hi LJ,

Your story is like a parable! I'm so glad you were able to laugh about this and work things out with your friend. Your high alert to being treated poorly makes total sense. I feel I'm hyper sensitive to that too and have to be mindful when S4 triggers that response in me or I'll become the type of mother I'd hate to be. At the same time his father is who he is so it's a balancing act.

With this knowledge of how your high alert can play out, would you want to change anything? The need for self preservation is a very valid one.

Thanks for sharing this. It has given me food for thought.

Love and light x

Thanks for asking Insom. Truthfully things in my world are following the same patterns as they have for some time. I have a tendency for avoidance so yesterday after my art class I had decided to go to the gym. I wore my gym gear to paint in and when the moment came to drive there, I instead made excuses to myself and picked up some craft supplies for S4 then went home. Logically I know I'm safe there but the place that was my sanctuary now holds so many bad memories and my fear takes over logic. I'm feeling uncomfortable in my body and exercise (which I thrive on) also benefits my pain condition so it's upsetting that I'm in this rut.

The last session with my therapist was more reassuring for me as I'd started to have doubts about the order in which she was approaching things, but I'm happier now to let things unfold and see where I land. It did make me laugh that she asked if I was coming back. She has paid attention to my assessments and has me figured out  :)  I'm confident she will support me as I make some much needed changes in my thinking around my value. Which really is at the core of all my r/s experiences. I must trust her.

Last night I was reading here and a total of 4 emergency vehicles passed by in around an hour. The blue lights reflect on the walls around my windows and instantly take me to the feelings of dread, anxiety and a base fear of loss of life. I know I'm safe, but my body still goes into fight or flight. On the last occasion I had a huge shiver down my spine and found myself shaking it off. I'm noticing what happens and trying to be compassionate towards myself in those moments.

My counsellor that I also see until we wrap things up has pointed out to me that I've been blaming myself for the abuse I've suffered in my life. Some of the things that have happened which I'll talk about yet I couldn't have ever seen coming but I've continued to put myself at fault for those things occurring. She has a way of getting to the crux of things that I cannot disagree with and although I have a long way to go before letting go of that ingrained self criticism I know what she said makes sense and I felt more ease about my part when I left. I did not cause these things to happen and I am not responsible for it all.

Slowly but surely I will get there.

Love and light x

I think my sensitivity to perceived slights is something I need to be more aware of, going forward.  After my experience with a pwBPD, I prefer to err on the side of standing up for myself, though maybe I can dial it back a bit in some situations, or until I find out more information.  Plus, I think it would be OK to tell someone like my friend that it feels to me like she is treating me with a lack of respect and then see how she responds.  My own bruised ego got in the way of me remembering her birthday!

LJ

Hi Harley Quinn,

My P used to say to me 'your ego strength has been damaged'.    Very adamantly too.  Whatever that means.   I used to feel like I was 'soul sick' or permanently broken.   I don't feel that way anymore.    I feel like I am different than I used to be but not broken.

I have a vivid memory of sitting here in my living room, in my most comfortable recliner and finally, finally being able to relax.   It took about 6 to 8 months before my body let go of the idea the door was going to burst open and a screaming and yelling person was going to be in my personal space.   I think, a portion of that was a physical reaction,  a physical healing maybe of my body letting go of the hypervigilance, the exhaustion and the stress of constantly being in an emotional war zone.    Telling myself I was safe, was only so effective at letting the tensed coils unwind.

so my great wisdom for today is that 'time takes time'  


Nice insight.   sometimes things just happen.  for no reason at all, and for every reason - none of them significant.   from where I sit you did a remarkable job in very difficult circumstances, at great expense to yourself.

'ducks

Thanks ducks!  You're a great cheerleader and have actually caused me to look back and remember what I overcame.  It can be easy to forget.  I looked up ego strength and found lots of detailed info and also came across this short summary, which resonated with me:


It's taken from the following article:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2012/01/ego-versus-ego-strength-the-characteristics-of-healthy-ego/ (https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2012/01/ego-versus-ego-strength-the-characteristics-of-healthy-ego/)  

What I know about myself is that I'm resilient to stress and can tolerate it far longer than most 'normal' people (numerous psychological profiles over the years in work settings have indicated this), however that also is a destructive trait for me as it builds up, gets pushed down and does a lot of damage long term.  I think I've had my fill.  At the same time, I fail sometimes to recognise what I manage to achieve when the inner critic takes over (thanks mum).  

I've come a long way since I got out and feel stronger mentally.  My critic slates me for not being back at full strength emotionally and more able to handle what I'm confronted with right now.  Perhaps a re frame of that would be that I saved up all of this difficulty for a time when I truly am strong enough to face it and that time is now.  It is going to affect me, and I can be OK with that.  You're right - time takes time.

Love and light x    

HQ,

Like you I am resilient.    I took a quiz not that long ago, also one of those psychological profiles things, and my top two characteristics were resilience number one and perseverance number two.  I told my T that I have been leaning on resilience and perseverance for so long I feel like I have worn them out, can I try having two other characteristics for a while?  She actually calls them signature strengths.    and so, I am working on using other signature strengths.

Thanks for the link.   A couple of things popped out at me.   first was this:
and then this:

I did understand my P to mean "ego-strength’ as a 'cultivated resiliency, the extent to which we learn to face and grow from challenging events or persons in our lives.'   I just didn't like it much.   I am pretty sure I heard "damaged ego strength" and my inner critic when shrieking off into a frenzy of see-I-told-you-you-were-the-screwed-up-one.  which then makes it hard to listen.

I don't think I've mentioned this here before, but my Ex is still very much around in the periphery of my life.    Last night her car was across the street from my house when I came home.   I was talking about that in another thread, how I see her at least once a week, ~accidentally~.  She visits my favorite bodega.   Show's up in my favorite park while I am out walking the dogs.    Parks her car across the street from house.     became friends with many of my friends.    all of that with a thin veneer of legitimacy pasted over it.   she has to go to that bodega because that is the ONLY place to get a certain item and she 'just craves it now'.       It's part and parcel of my life now that I know that she will turn up, in the grocery store, in the library, in the park, in the neighborhood.    this has been a particularly potent week and I have seen her or her bloody car three times.  I struggle with that.   

and I run into what the article said:


that bloody car can activate my stress response like nobody's business.    I reached the point of seeing similar cars and thinking I was about to be attacked.     I mean, I get it.    I understand why my stress and anxiety fire off,   I understand the ~concept~ of having cultivated ego strength so when I see bloody car I don't either want to throw up or slash her tires.    I want to have other options for lowering my anxiety.    I just don't know how to do it.

Lady Itone mentioned in the other thread about people with BPD having Favorite People, and that was helpful in reframing her semi stalking behavior.   still there is something about that freaking car and her that makes me feel like I am about to collapse into a pile of quivering protoplasm.

thanks for the thread... .you've given me a lot to chew on... .I think I am actually going someplace with some of the thoughts churning in the back of my head.

'ducks

Great plan.  This has me thinking about what other signature strengths I can bring to the fore.  Thanks for that.


I hear you on that!  Then I remember that I have good reason to be pretty messed up... .Am getting a little better at treating myself with compassion.  If I'm messed up, so be it.  On with the work of getting that mess sorted out into some sort of order.


Oh ducks I'm sorry to hear that she is behaving in this way and can totally relate to how you are feeling.  I had my first major panic attacks at the age of 25.  Thought I was dying of a heart attack or something.  It was very scary as I didn't know what was going on. 

My boyfriend of only around 4 months had one night after a few drinks transformed into someone I didn't recognise, and hurled all kinds of nonsensical accusations and vulgar names at me as we walked back to his place.  I'd planned to stay over and had left a bag there with my belongings in before we went out.  I was knocked sideways by his sudden shift in behaviour.  I couldn't understand anything he was saying - it was so disjointed and made no sense at all but he was clearly very worked up.  Usually he was a very placid, super polite and quiet guy.  We were still getting to know one another though and this took me completely by surprise. 

Needless to say I just wanted to get away from him as his increasingly delusional state was alarming.  I saw a public phone and said I'd call a taxi, but he blocked me from doing so and pleaded for me not to go.  Reluctantly and because I felt wary of what he might do, I agreed to go back to his house.  My plan being to grab my bag from the hallway and leave.  Before we got there, he rounded on me and yelled at me to get my stuff and get away from him.  I was more than happy to oblige and as he opened the door I lunged for my bag but he was faster than I was. 

I heard the door lock behind me and he stood there wide eyed as he went on to bolt the door as well.  Trying to remain calm, I decided to move away from the confined space we were in and attempt to reason with him.  As we moved into the lounge, he positioned himself right in front of me with this crazed expression on his face and announced that he was going to kill me and then kill himself, so I had better think of something fast.  Those were the exact words.  I can still hear them in my mind as though it were yesterday, not almost 20 years ago.

I won't tell you the entire blow by blow, but in short we fought for 12 hours before I escaped the house and managed to get away.  It was nothing short of something you might see in a movie.  I really thought I was going to die.  When I got away that wasn't the end though.  He stalked me for over 6 months.  Day in day out he was outside my house, where I lived with my family at the time.  His car was sometimes out of sight and other times less discreet, but I knew I was being watched constantly.  The phone rang off the hook.  He begged and pleaded on the phone for me to speak to him, see him, forgive him. 

My father spoke to him and told him to stop calling, so he would wait until my father was out before calling over and over again, or would come and knock on the door when he knew I was home alone.  I felt trapped in my own home.  I can't tell you how many times he was turned away by my brother, my mother, friends who would pass by and tell him to leave me alone.  I felt like I was suffocating.  He was the last person I wanted to see in the whole world and I couldn't escape him.  I couldn't breathe. 

One morning I even awoke to the sound of someone tapping on my window.  I slept in an upstairs bedroom.  He had stolen a ladder from a neighbour and was outside my bedroom window with a bunch of flowers before I even opened my eyes.  I could no longer wake up in the morning without him already invading every corner of my life.  I couldn't take it any more.  That was breaking point for me.  I was going out of my mind and would have welcomed a padded cell where I could feel safe and have some personal space, some peace, some calm.  The anxiety was off the charts and it's around this time when the physical effects kicked in for me.  It was so overwhelming.

So I can understand your feeling like you're ready to collapse into a quivering pile.  I have trouble enough with the unwanted memories that flash back, and know I'd be in a bad way if my BPDex was actually being a nuisance right now.  I think that past trauma reduced my tolerance for ongoing anxiety around my own physical safety. 

Glad you're getting help from a therapist.  Glad we both are.  My mistake all those years ago was not getting help.  In fact at that time, I didn't even know that I could get help.  My family were very dismissive and I found it impossible to put across to them just how violated I was feeling.  Here's to progress!  Now I have a really strong support network and boy what a difference that makes.  I'm so glad we have this place where we can speak to others who get it and encourage one another as we navigate these rough waters.

Love and light x

           

Hi Harley Quinn,

I apologize for being late to get back to this topic.    It's been a tough week here.


I will make a pitch for a website.   It's call the VIA institute on character.   https://www.viacharacter.org/www (https://www.viacharacter.org/www)  I used them a little bit to identify my signature strengths and where I wanted to try and change and modify them.    The quiz isn't long.   and I liked the positive spin on things; sometimes it's too easy to focus on the negative.  I also liked the exercises they offer on how to build certain character strengths.   they are simple, easy, practical.

Thanks HQ.  I had a pretty major (for me) encounter with her Friday night.    I behaved appropriately and I would say well, but my stress reaction went through the roof.    She, of course,   processing life in the ways she does, doubled down on the encounter yesterday.          Go Away Already.


I can't even imagine.    I can't even imagine how much it cost you to write all that out.   I am so sorry you went through all that.      I have such difficulty in comprehending why some one would act that way.    what do they get out of that?


Can I ask you a little bit about this?   I think it's in play for me too but I am not sure how, or what to do about it.    In the encounters I had in the last week,  I think I did a little depersonalization/derealization, using the clinical definition of the terms, but not to diagnostic levels.   I think my perceptions of what was going on around me felt loosely connected.   Almost like an out of body experience but not quite.    It wasn't even the most stressful encounter I have ever had.  Quite honestly it was very low on the drama scale.   But I felt foggy headed and surreal for most of the day.
           
'ducks

It's Ok ducks, we all get tough weeks.  I hope things have eased for you.   

Yes when I first got the panic attacks they were so scary because I didn't understand what was going on and they weren't directly related to triggers when they happened as such - it was like a build up of anxiety that just started to manifest in the symptoms which caused me to feel like something was seriously wrong.  My system just went haywire which was alarming.  Too much stress and the body showed I was at breaking point I guess.   

Since then, I fully get what you're saying about that out of body experience.  It's hard to describe but it's a bit like I'm detached from what's going on around me, almost like an observer but one who can be in denial about what's going on.  Surreal is probably the best word I could use to describe it too.  When I was with my ex and things got really bad - the frequent suicide attempts and rages, projection, isolation, basically everything - I spent a lot if not most of the time in that detached state.  It really was like I was in a movie.   

I completely emotionally shut down sometimes in a genuinely traumatic situation - when things are just too much for my mind to cope with, somehow.  I can sort of just go into autopilot and find myself being 'all business' and no emotion when I know that actually very intense emotion should be there and it's a bit scary.  This defence mechanism I think adds to the surreal feeling I can have about what is happening.  I really do feel like I'm on a different plane of existence to others when that goes on.  Whilst physically present, some part of me locks itself away and what's left is strange and very disconcerting.  For want of a better word, my body just feels... .well, wrong. 

I can remember spending a lot of time in the emergency room of the hospital with him in various states, or he'd have escaped again and I'd be lost for what to do next, and seeing others going about their lives, whilst I felt so far away from them somehow.  Everything around me seemed so bright in the 'real world' and where I was, in the midst of craziness and chaos, it was sort of hazy.  It's so hard to describe accurately.  Almost like being in a bubble looking out.  That still doesn't really put it over properly.  Did you find you struggled to think straight, organise your thoughts or make decisions?  I had to take each minute at a time and keep focusing on my breathing.  It was weighing me down and grounding me to fill myself with breath and I clung to that with everything I had.  Sleep deprivation only exacerbates this weird surreal feeling too.  Such a wild ride.

Reading about depersonalisation/derealisation that sums it up pretty well.  Have you experienced that before at any other time in your life?

Love and light x

Hi again Harley Quinn,... .

Thanks for your reply.   I have a very close family member going through a pretty serious medical crisis.   It's ordinary, no mental illness involved, just a normal life event but boy oh boy I can't cope.   my ability to react to 'normal' stress is shot just the now.  I do wonder if it gets to be this way for everyone.


oh yeah.    I feel like I am walking around under water.    You are right, it's very hard to describe and the thing that  bothers me the most, is the inability to think straight, to organize my thoughts, to have any kind of mental clarity.

I tell myself things will get better once the stress recedes and I catch up on my sleep, but I get impatient with that.  some one here gave me a trick to help ground me,   to look around the room and let my eyes randomly fall on things and describe them... .not just simply coffee mug but coffee mug with picture of XYZ on it, to use as much detail as I can, and then go on to the next item.  to do that for about five minutes.    strangely it helps.


well I'll tell you.    I don't know.     *)   maybe?     certainly my experience with my person with BPD pushed everything to a different level.    and I am a vastly different person than I was before.   somedays it's hard to tell.    :)

I hope all is well with you,  and you are finding things to enjoy.

'ducks

Hi Harley Quinn

It does sound like depersonalisation disassociation states, I can relate exactly to what you describe for at least one occasion I have been through, it is a protective mechanism to the shock to a trauma stimulus. I havent read too far academically into it, im basing my thoughts based on having experienced it.

Panic attacks ive had two, with the second one being the most physiological, literally a fear of imminent death, but this was brought upon through drug use. Im generally free from these symptoms and feel prepared if they happened again, in the knowledge that it is a physiological response and it will pass.
sounds like tunnel vision, if you think of emergency service workers, they get such a repeated exposure after awhile, their body just adapts to it. It sounds like it based on the eyes having clear central focus with the periphery being hazy also tying in with the breathing difficulties relating to sympathetic system being pumped up with high levels of adrenaline.

I hear you.  Things that I'd have taken in my stride now rattle me far more than I'm comfortable with.  My mind is still able to be rational and logical, but the physiological and emotional responses are only a heartbeat away.  It's like being a full cup I guess.  One more drop and we overflow.  If anyone out there knows of a surefire quick win therapy to empty that cup I'm all ears!  In reality all the best things in life come with discomfort as a side dish so I'm pushing through as always and treating myself with kindness.  It is tiring though.

Thank you for the reminder about focusing on environment.  I tend to get with my experience and tell myself I am having a difficult time right now, with compassion.  However I shall try to remember this method too in the moment.


Same here.  That in many ways is a really positive thing.  I've moved further forwards with my self awareness and the motivation and focus to work on myself is stronger than ever.  If I stripped out the PTSD I think I'd be entirely happy with where I've landed.  Although, this is also a challenge in itself and something to accept and then overcome.  I can't walk away from the things that have happened any more, and that is a blessing.  The life lesson is well and truly being learned this time around.  I guess PTSD underlines that and makes it inescapable.


Yup!


Thanks ducks.  You too.  What are you involved in that's good for you right now?  I've been enjoying my pottery and did a huge canvas this last week which I'm really pleased with.  Those short little breaks from everything real and present are so blissful. 

Love and light x

Hi Cromwell,

I'm sorry to hear that you've felt this way too.  It is very disconcerting.  I don't know about you, but I've always considered myself very switched on, strong and able to handle anything life throws at me.  To find myself feeling so very removed from my usual reality is highly uncomfortable.  I know that discomfort comes from having no control over the experience I'm having.  From a young age I began to protect myself from things outside of myself affecting me, as a protective measure.  Clearly not a great strategy as once that ability to manage my own environment and inner experience is removed I struggle with that it seems.  What about you?


You could be right there.  It was as if (certainly felt like) what I was experiencing was so all consumingly awful that I was unable to connect with or handle anything else outside of that.  I felt detached from normal life.  The adrenaline was certainly through the roof.  I was in survival mode.  It's interesting when you do the comparison to emergency services workers.  Yes, I believe you're onto something.  It's also comforting to think of this as a 'normal' bodily response to the situation as opposed to thinking of it in terms of what a complete mess I'd become.  Thanks. 

Love and light x 

Hi Harley Quinn

I can understand, although whilst you will be very strong everyone has their limits and whilst we adapt to stressors (like emergency service workers) its not to say that it is healthy in the long run (look at the sickness record for police officers, there is a reason they retire at 50 and most are found in the pub after work).

Some people like myself, live with such a level of anxiety for decades that it becomes a normal baseline. The body adapts, but it takes it toll. When I met my ex id like to look back and think "pah, borderline  - I thought those people were supposed to be 'tough'" and its part of why I never walked away, in the main, I could handle her, but it is a daily grind down that you dont get aware of until it makes you. Looking back there was no "chillout" time besides those moments we were apart and I remember all of a sudden feeling better. Im in a much better place nowadays but it is down exclusively to managing stressors and anxiety triggers. It was all fine to have all the hope and best interests to help someone else with a condition, its a different thing to walk into a doctors office one day and find out you have stress related physical and or psychiatric issues as a result. I bailed out when it got too much, my health is the number one consideration in my life before spousal choice as a second.

These dissociation moments are the bodys way of protecting itself from permanent damage. I havent researched too far into it but it is related to biochemistry and once you realise this, that your body has been flooded by whatever cocktail of hormones and neurotransmitters, it isnt a case of going crazy, it is a natural response. Just like running releases feel good endorphins.

I was on the verge of psyhosis from the stress towards the end, I took 2 weeks of olanzapine and felt fine and feel fine now afterwards.

With this release of andrenaline each time, it is designed for fight or flight. Yet you are standing in a hospital and doing neither but still getting the physiological response all the same, not healthy and zoning out - well what more can you do? This release doesnt just happen in danger, it comes in 'anticipation' of imminent danger. Put yourself in a daily situation of living with a person who has unpredictable intense outbursts and it doesnt matter if they actually do something or not, when they start acting out you get that hit to the system regardless.

Then you get worry, which contributes to psychosomatic fatigue, hits into insomnia. before you know it, your never getting a rest and it is cumulative grind down. Like you mentioned with lack of sleep, insomina is not an illness but lack of sleep can result in serious mental disturbance, worries and annoyances that keep the mind alert and prevent sleeping even when you feel exhausted. people go for sleeping tablets, they dont tackle the root cause, they simply dont work. this vicious cycle then leads to depression and the lounge of the neurologist or psychiatrist.

all that just for hanging around with a person that is burning their candle fast, gives no sign of appreciation in any case and has shown incorrigible to change and little care how it started to affect me (she behaved worse as I got worse) no thanks.

Life is uncharacteristiically sedate, relaxing and peaceful for me, but im getting used to it. some might call it 'boring' but its just the way I like it. Ive had enough 'excitement' to last a lifetime. The thing I aim for is the "sleep factor", if im not getting a deep, refreshing good night sleep then I know something is wrong, it becomes an emergency situation to deal with - something needs changed. I never used to think that way or recognise its importance, I do now and dont suffer from any of those maladies anymore.

Those blue lights and sirens are stress related associated triggers, when you feel that way, let it go over your head and realise it will pass and that you can be in control of it. concious deep breaths and concious knowledge that you are not facing any danger anymore you are safe and not having to respond to anything. My ex built up in her mind a catalogue of paralysing triggers, she actively and consciously created them and associated them with bad experiences. The mind believes what you train it towards but it can equally be untrained with concious effort.

I know you will get over these things Harley Quinn and towards a quality of life and peace that we all deserve. Im sorry for what you have had to go through. "adapt and overcome" is a saying I picked up and live by, we arent passive participants we have the ability to change things. I wont let anyone or anything make me unhappy again.

have a great day  :) |iiii

Thanks Crom,

I appreciate your supportive words.  I am a survivor, that's for sure.  Always considered myself fairly bulletproof considering what I have experienced and I think part of my frustration comes from having a setback and 'not being there yet' if you know what I mean?  I'd hoped to have rid myself of the whole PTSD stuff before entering therapy to explore and uproot my core beliefs and take control of my future.  Things have not gone as I intended.  In fact, the trauma from my last r/s has simply opened up a lot of other wounds that I'd pushed firmly down.  The triggers feel like a coat in summer to me.  Whilst I'm able to manage through them, I just want them gone.  And now I hear my own advice... .What we resist persists :)

See how it pays to talk about this stuff!  Thank you for taking the time to respond and give your input.  You are of course absolutely right in your assessment.

Love and light x