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I've been in a severely unhealthy, co-dependent relationship for the past two and a half years. I feel like I don't recognize myself or know who I am any longer. I am continuously told by everyone close to me I should leave--my family and all of my friends. No one believes in this toxic relationship, and I am unable to convince them.

He is an army veteran and spent 11 months in Afghanistan. What he has shared with me about his war experience is a heavy weight . I sense in myself the power to heal, and his pain feels pitch black, like there's no way out.  

I have early childhood trauma and lack of self-esteem. I have avoided it this long, and now all of the pain is coming to the surface and playing out in this relationship. It's as if it's emptying me--and I have to see these pieces of myself.

He flies back and forth between how much he loves and adores me, and does this with both words and gestures; a helicopter ride on my birthday, a diamond ring on our first anniversary, lots of beautiful gifts, never lets me open the door for myself... .he charms me. The other side is a drug addict who is unstable and volatile.

He unhealthily pours himself into his work--as if it becomes a machine. Since being in the army, it seems that he learns new information via their concrete components. He figures out how it works, which takes a small bit of time, and then he learns it. He is the top salesman in his insurance company, very competitive and extremely driven. It is a world I support--but to an extent. He is a workaholic, and would put it before his own health or going to the hospital for a loved one. Not only that, he does things within the job to cheat, and they have significantly negative effects on the population (seniors).  He was working 7 days per week until his boss asked him not to.

 He goes back and forth from doting on to degrading me--my lack of independence, my hyper sensitivity, my "neediness," and he doesn't trust me. There was a situation when we were going through a hard time. I felt invisible to him, and I was attacked when I acted human--when I spoke up for myself and questioned him. I kept being convinced that I was wrong, that my feelings weren't valid. I punished myself more than he punished me, and began to accept it. When we do fight, I often unleash everything. It's the space where I believe I can express myself, as this is what he understands. Physical violence resides in our relationship. There have been times when he has pushed me so hard I have hurt my back, shaken and choked me, and twisted my arms.

 I decided to accept a date with someone when we had taken a step back from each other. He persistently believed that I had slept with him. He remembers it meticulously. Honestly, I was being spiteful. I was starting to feel invisible and I was hurting. I was slowly being pulled away from the love I once had for myself; the self-love and protection. He accused me of cheating, and called his family crying. He told them  I had slept with someone else. He posted about me on facebook.

In order for him to forgive me, I got rid of most of my guy friends, and blocked them. He started asking how I would feel if he were to go through my phone. It just got worse. He caused me a drug overdose, drove dangerously and put my life at risk, took me to places and with people that were unsafe, and humiliated me in public places.

I need your help. I am still with him. I have tried to leave, and I can make it through a couple of hours. Then, it hits me so hard that he's gone. I forget what is like outside of this world, I forget how to function... he becomes a necessity. I need to save my life, which I am missing. I am sad all of the time, isolated, and hurting. Every time I think I can begin to focus on myself, I am forced to ride his waves. Please tell me how to conquer the withdrawal. Please tell me how to leave and leave for good. How can I start this process? I want myself back--I was meant to have a beautiful life, it had to be better than this.

Hi Queen38,

It broke my heart to read your post. There are some elements in it which I can relate to very well. It is indeed excruciatingly difficult to be with someone who makes life so unbearably difficult.

You say you want to leave, but are afraid you will slide back into being with him. One thing that comes to mind for me is that you write out a list of reasons not to be with him. Do not write out the opposing list. Just write out the reasons to leave. Write it all out. You can write it here if you like, but it could help you to keep your thoughts more focused and steady.

I can relate so much to what you say about feeling isolated and being forced to ride his emotional waves as they are running the show. Whew!

It will take some time and effort, but you can get to that beautiful life you dream of!

with compassion, pearl.

Hi Queen38, let me second pearlsw in saying your story breaks my heart. Her advice is excellent. I am struggling with getting past codependency myself and know that some feelings / habits are so deeply ingrained that they are hard to break. 


I'm going to zero in on your physical safety first because I think this takes precedence above all other things. There is some violence in my relationship, too but my wife is not as strong as me and does not present a major threat to my safety. Your partner, however, is military trained and male. This worries me deeply. Have you considered calling the police? If you're concerned about the fallout, you could privately report his behaviors to the police station so that they have on record. My guess is that they would assign an officer to your case that you could call specifically if someone happens. I've done this.

Also, your friends already seem aware of the situation. Is anyone you can stay with to ride out a high danger period?

~RolandOfEld

Hi Queen38,

I'm really concerned for you and your safety  , have you considered reaching out to a Domestic Violence Center in your area?  They can be a really good resource for help.

How are things going today?

Panda39

Hi Queen38,

I'm so glad you are here sharing with us!  |iiii Thank you for being honest and open. You have so much hurt going on in your life. Please remember that you are valued! We already care about you and how you are doing.

Now for a couple of questions. Do you have any type of plan in place for safety for yourself? Rather than trying to leave right now, it would be good if you think about what a safety plan looks like. Are you able to do that and share it with us here? This is a safe place for you to share. Are you able to safely use the internet without fear of being on our site?

Here is a great place to start:  https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf


 
Wools

*welcome*

I'm glad you found us and I'm convinced we can help you sort out your next steps.

I'm a retired Naval Aviator... .so I get everything you wrote below... .



... .because this was me for a long time.  I have some ideas about "why" he is doing this, which will likely help you in the way you approach him.

Please come back often and post... .I really am convinced we can help!

FF