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After years of trying, I had to call it quits in November. I still love her and she’s asked about reconciliation many times, but still denies her textbook BPD (though has done DBT for about a year now).

I know I did everything I could from my end before, so unless her end of the equation changes, I can’t see anything turning out any differently. As she continues to deny the fundamental root of our problems, nothing has changed.

I know denial of BPD is extremely common: what was the turning point that got your partner to accept their condition?

Hi DogMan75,

Good question! I would expect a big range of answers!

In my case my SO accepts and then takes it all back. So, that is to be expected I guess. In some ways, with time, I've started to wonder if it's almost unfair of me to expect that he accept my version of reality, or my vision of anything.  Whatever he has plays real havoc with his brain and being able to remain constant or consistent. It is painful, but that is just part of the package.

I get not wanting to do it, I do. You found your limit with this stuff.

Would say that the DBT is helpful at all? Are you seeing any results from it? If so, it might be good to focus on what she is offering and if it is enough. Strikes me as a good thing that she stuck out the program this long.

with compassion, pearl.

Like pearl, my SO recognizes that there is a problem, when he hits a real low and then takes it all back.

And he views nothing he did wrong,only me.

Lately I have simply refused to fight or debate anything so it's all one sided. And I keep my reality as clear as possible.

I'm sorry it has been overwhelming for you. Sometimes I don't think I can handle much more either.

For my SO, the turning point was two-fold:

First, I sat down one night (a "good" night, where she was calm and rational) on the couch with her, and passed my phone over to her. On my screen was the list of symptoms of BPD from the Mayo Clinic's website. I just said, "Hey babe--take a look at this list of symptoms and tell me what you think." She read it, looked up at me in shock, and said, "This is my entire life, in a list."

Second, two days later, I told her I had to move out while she got the help she needed. I knew I'd just enable her if I were there, and I really needed some space from the emotional abuse. Then I called around for apartments and began moving out the very next day.

By the following week, she'd done a ton of her own research, found a nearby clinic that specializes in DBT, and was working hard to get into that program.

She's not been in the program for very long yet, so I can't speak to how it's really going. But she did tell me that it helped that I approached her with it the way I did. Not: "Hey, you're sick, and here's what I think you have." More: "Here's something to take a look at it and see if it resonates with you."

Admittedly, DogMan, my SO is high-functioning. It might take a lot more to get through to someone who's lower-functioning.