BPDFamily.com

A therapist said it would happen when interacting with me was no long satisfying and/or when he emotionally decided to settle where he now lives, perhaps even finding someone else. I think that both have happened now.

Thoughts?

That's a super-interesting question, MeandThee. 

How does it make you feel to know your ex may be approaching the let-go point?

I feel sadness. Not crushing sadness, but acceptance. I held a glimmer of hope that things were turn around for a long time, and still pray for a miracle.

This sounds like a poignant mix. 

FWIW, while I felt some grief toward the end of my relationship with BPD-ex, by the time I was ready to leave him I felt so angry and was so eager to escape the relationship that there wasn't any room for sadness which may partly be why I'm here now . . . to feel sadness that I couldn't access back then.

This idea of letting go is an interesting one.  You are wondering if he's reached the let-go point.  How about you?  Have you let go?  What does letting go look and feel like for you?

As far as I know my ex fiancé is still wearing our engagement ring and waiting for me to return.  We have not spoken in 6 months.  At the end of her longest and worst rage she broke our engagement.  After absorbing this (and a minor breakdown) I agreed with her that we should end the relationship.  We had a final call, in which she said 'So we will never speak again?'  I answered 'yes'.  A lot of tears and pain on both our parts but a definite air of finality.

My therapist said this sort of denial can go on for quite a long time for some individuals suffering from BPD.  I asked him directly how long, and he said it depends on the individual and the circumstances.

For my part slowly but surely I am beginning to accept she is no longer part of my life -it has not been easy.  She left a big hole in my heart which is difficult to fill.


Wicker Man

I found this to be very helpful, both early on and then when I re-read it recently:

www.https://bpdfamily.org/2010/12/leaving-person-with-borderline_28.html

I can't remember at this point how many times he said "this is it." When you repeatedly tell a partner that and say you're never going to speak with them again, and then do it over-and-over, it has to create damage on both sides. This sentence from that essay spoke to me:

Each successive break-up increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually - and opens the door for very hurtful things to happen.


You end up with shattered trust and diminished hope. At one point I thought that a counsellor might be able to see us through it because I was seeing someone who was part of a team who had restored dozens of marriages, but he refused that type of help. We just went deeper and darker with no accountability. I had months and months of counselling with multiple individuals who are experienced with this sort of thing and am in a better place than I was. As horrible as it was, it has brought me to a good place in my life.

I was angry and outraged for a time, but I'm just sad now.

Each successive break-up increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually - and opens the door for very hurtful things to happen.


@MeandThee29 I completely agree.  Once a relationship dissolves it can never go back to what it was.  The only hope moving forward and reconciling would be to observe the past, learn from it and re-build a new foundation.  This is difficult and heavy lifting in the best of circumstances.  I should imagine with a BPD partner it would be even more perilous because of the underlying abandonment issues.  -I cannot imagine what a reconciliation attempt might look like at this point with her.  The word disastrous comes to mind... . 


I certainly feel a lot of sadness.  Even if it was misguided -the sadness is for the lost potential I saw in the relationship. 


These are encouraging words!  Slowly but surely I am working toward being able to say the same.  If feel somehow my experience with BPD has been a loss of innocence.  It has certainly given me a lot to process.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Wicker Man

Yes, you have to bury the "you always" and "you never" phrases and accept what you have and go from there. My counsellor said that the toughest part of helping a couple to reconcile is getting them to focus on the present and accept each other in a healthy way.