BPDFamily.com

I am new to this forum.  Married for 13 years, two young children under 10 years age.  Wife exhibits signs of BPD. 

Been in divorce process for 12 months, trial in two weeks.  Very nasty child custody argument.

Any advice?  I have an attorney very recommended in my area for dealing with divorce involving personality disorders.  Has been extremely stressful.

It sounds like you found a good attorney. 

What's being contested in court? How are the kids?

Welcome and hello  :)

Sorry for what brings you here, OLLIE2018.

And glad you found the site.

What is the current custody arrangement? I'm guessing there is some sort of temporary agreement?

Do you feel like your attorney is doing a good job so far?

LnL

Wife has been involved in multiple sexual affairs throughout our 13 year marriage, recently discovered her deceit and double life.  Two of her paramours are convicted felons and she has involved our two young daughters by introducing them in person and via video chatting with her boyfriends .  She has been living the lie as a super mom... .head of PTA, home room mother, Girl Scout leader,... .but all the time carrying on a double life and making horrible choices for herself and our family by choosing to involve extra marital relationships with felons.

We have still been living in the same home with our daughters since last July when I filed for divorce.  I decided to stay in the home to protect my daughters from my wife’s terrible double lifestyle choices.  She was planning on moving one of these felons into our home and I could not allow that possibility.  She is admitted she is not a rule follower and to date we have temporary court orders in place which she has all but broken every one of the orders but the courts here in this state tend to default to favor the mother in divorces so nothing but slap on the wrist warnings to try harder have occurred to my wife.

I try to employ no contact with her while in the home but that does not work well as I am sure you can imagine.  I have installed a lock on my bedroom door to prevent her from entering my room at night and climbing into bed... .one of her favorite manipulative tactics.

We have nanny cameras installed in the home for the main living areas and they have already been a saving grace to prevent false allegations from my wife to try and have me kicked out of the home by the courts.

I do not go into areas of the home while she is present if it is out of the coverage of these camera systems to protect myself.  I also spend almost all my time in my own room away from her when she is home to avoid conflict.

She is trying to have me removed from the home, take possession of the home, take fully custody of the children, get awarded most of the common property, awarded child support, and awarded spousal support for the maximum value and time period.

This is ridiculous and she knows it because of the mountain of evidence I have collected of her double lifestyle and affairs (while the kids were at home with her as the stay at home non working mother for 13 years).

She has a very crafty attorney and is playing all the angles to try and get the most she can from me before she moves onto her next target.

I trusted her completely and never suspected her double life. 

We have our trial in about two weeks as her attorney has delayed every step of the way to try and wear me down and expend all of our family funds and retirement with numerous court hearings.

She greatly under estimated my depth of care for my children and that it is not about the money as I can rebuild my money afterwards.  She only really cares about her reputation remaining intact as the victim super mom AND money.

Over the last 12months of legal fighting we have expended North of $300k battling it out in court and multiple psychiatric reports and studies... .all of which have ultimately found as recommendations for me to gain managing custody of our children and for her visitation to be greatly managed by the courts moving forward.  Even to the point of recommending she have to submit a full criminal background report to the court designated officer for any individual she may wish to become involved with romantically and expose to our children down the road.

I am happy the numerous reviews and studies have found in my favor but until we get to court in form of a jury trial it is all still in flux and chaios around here and that is where she excels with her BPD tendencies.

Both of our children attend regular child counseling sessions and are really struggling with the currently level of stress and chaios in the household.  I try not to place them in the middle but wife specifically involves them as she knows they are a soft target for me and I will do anything for my kids.  She uses them as a leverage point to get her way and she will not limit her mind games for trying to turn them against me.

Makes me very angry and sad but I try to shield them the best I can under the current situation.

Oof. Wow.

Living in the midst of that chaos has to take a toll.

I feel your pain about the high cost and the legal nonsense that can drag out cases out and make things worse. It took me 8 years to recover financially from six-figure legal debt, but the freedom, safety, healthy relationships, and piece of mind is priceless.

It sounds like you are not in one of the states where alienation of affection laws apply?

Are you representing yourself?

What are the orders that she has not followed and what course of action were you advised to take, or did you take?


My ex was given six, seven bites of the apple, too. Several years into our protracted custody battle (4 total) I learned to make recommendations and consequences both for compliance and non-compliance. When I started to do that, things finally started to turn around. I had a good L but she didn't feel the pain of the courts incompetence quite the way I did.

For example, through my L we would recommend anger management or parenting classes or this or that, and if he did not comply by day/date, then visitation remained status quo.

Or, I would choose three parenting coordinators, ex could pick one. If he did not choose one by day/date, then I would get to choose.

Every action had a reaction spelled out in advance.

Also, I learned that it was worth the money to have my L write up the ruling. She would take what the judge said and then write it up, then I would send her my edits. Those edits were often where I would make the recommended (and reasonable) consequences for inaction or non-compliance.

Those rulings always had their own hearing, and because it was mostly administrative, the orders were always waved through because they were well-written, comprehensive, and reasonable.

Make sure you go through that stuff with a fine-toothed comb to spot any loopholes, and close them up so that they are watertight. That way, when you (inevitably) go back to court, the judge will look at the order and see that it says, "Mom must do xyz by day/date. If she doesn't, then abc will occur."

It eliminates the merry go round of hoping the judge will rule in your favor. Judges, in my experience, prefer that the parties come to some kind of agreement about how to handle the trainwreck of their divorce. If you insert some solution-oriented language into the order, it increases the odds that the hearings will go in your favor.

Thank you for the advice and share.  I like the ideal for a cause and effect for trying to instill some sort of order moving forward.

I do have an attorney and so does wife.  My attorney does not play games or operate outside the letter of the law and hers does all of the above... .she is constantly pushing the limits and then begs forgiveness when caught.  We are close to the end of the first stage the divorce... .I am just praying it is not like this for the next 10 years until our girls are grown.  Right now it is worse than ( one of which has a criminal record involving battery of his wife, battery of one of his girl friends, and endangerment of a child of three years old).  Real winner to expose our young daughters to.

Yes the last 12 months have aged me and changed me being in the same home with her and her mask being ripped off with her BPD.  She does not have a middle ground, either trying to win me back with any trick she can think of to push my buttons or raging at me.

No in between.  Never know who is walking in the door, nice or rage.

Beyond old!

Orders violated... .just a few


Destroying evidence for trial, emails, texts, pictures, social media, etc... .

Keeping kids out of town and not returning when she was agreed to,

Speaking and allowing her parents to speak frankly to children about details of the pending divorce,

Speaking and allowing others to speak extremely disparaging about me in front of children,

Placing the children in the middle of arguments therefore upsetting the well being of them,

Hiding money from the community accounts,

Stealing money from community accounts,

Hiding mail, bills,

Has spoken to almost everyone of our circle of friends and has lied to make herself look like the victim to garner support and favors,

Has spoken with children’s school staff and done the same thing about lies to make out as the victim and try to hide or conseal information from school for functions and events, teacher meetings... .

Has continued to carry on affairs during divorce proceeding, even having a man come stay with her and the girls while away on a trip for New Year’s Eve.  In the same room of hotel!

Just a few... .

Your L probably has a good strategy.

I'll chime in with some things that helped in my case.

I focused on the things that I had proof or evidence for, and whenever describing any violations, I framed everything in terms of how it impacted our son.

Court does not really care about what goes on between you and your ex, not unless it impacts the child.

Because there were affairs, court will be expecting you to be angry.

If you set aside the anger and focus instead of what court cares about, which is a healthy environment for the kid, you will likely get more traction.

Applied pragmatically, you would order your list according the thing that impacts the kids the most. You would propose a solution to the problem, and then some consequences both for compliance and non-compliance.

For example, you don't need court to help you get information from the school. You can go to the principal and school staff, let them know you are there to focus on the well-being of the kids, and would like separate emails to help reduce conflict in the home. That's better for the kids, and it allows both parties to focus on the kids. You ask that if they have any questions about you, that they ask you directly.

You can't do much about her lying to friends. Court can't do anything.

You have the kids in counseling, which is great. Courts love counseling. You might ask that mom go to parenting classes to help her learn the difference between what is, and what isn't appropriate to say to the kids. Court could help with that.

You can get a new PO box and have important information directed to that address. If she complains in court, you simply explain to court that important information was not being delivered. You had concerns that those documents were going missing and set up a PO box where you could guarantee that information would arrive. Or, you ask the companies to deliver duplicate copies. You don't need court to help you solve that problem.

Not returning kids according to the court order, court can help with that. What is your solution for when it happens the next time? Because it will happen again. Maybe you propose to court that when mom does not return the kids on time, your custodial increases by the same amount, tacked onto your next block. If she doesn't bring them back for 2 days, you add 2 days to your time. That's a reasonable consequence for her non-compliance, and if court helps with that, you don't have to come back to court every time it happens because the solution is clear.

Court loves it when you help keep both parties out of court.

If she continues to bring affair partners back to the home and introduces the kids, even though the order says don't do it, propose to the court that she move into her own apartment and undergo some sort of treatment for sex addiction or counseling. Don't do this spitefully, do it in the interests of the kids -- give specifics about how she can earn back her privileges with the kids. Maybe she only spends time with the kids in public. If she takes the kids back to her home and it is discovered that she is introducing them to felon/boyfriends, propose to the court that custody be suspended until she completes treatment.

You can't do much about her parents talking about the divorce. Maybe you toss that in there with something else -- in fact, look for patterns and clump that stuff together, then bring it back to how it impacts the kids, but only if there is evidence to back it up (otherwise it's just hearsay). But in terms of what they say, court can't really stop them from saying stuff. And there isn't really a great way to put a stop to that. The best recourse is counseling for the kids.

If court picks up even a whiff that you are aggrieved, or using court to settle differences, you lose a little standing. The way they talk about parties in court is very demeaning. They see child-adults in court day in, day out, people who can't solve their own arguments so they have to run to the judge to settle differences.

If you show up with a solution mindset, and only use the court to help solve the problems it can reasonably help with, your outcomes are likely to be more favorable.

Thank you!

Here is a 35,000 ft view. Family court will host a bitter fit where the two of your scrap it out, you will get a postcard that says you're divorced, next day you need to be loving co-parents.

How did this every become the process? But this is it.

I think its best to get advice on how to tee-up and manage the post divorce period. You've got 10 more years with her as a co-parent... .it's important to be strong, learn BPD communication and empathy tools, and plan to provide structure (e.g... , first year with no deviations from scheduled custody) while you manage a non-threatenig cool down (12 months) with the hope you can become supportive and amicable co-parents.

She may want to retaliate. You may want to retaliate. The losers will be the kids and we have seen it happen many times here.

It really comes down to what is more important, your wounds or your kids?

Thanks, Skip

Good words to think about.

Hard to put saber away after learning your spouse has been the worst imaginable nightmare right under your nose and using your hard work and support to fuel her own double life with numerous other men two of which are convicted felons who now know my two young daughters, probably my entire schedule and net worth.

Fallout potential for many years now... .

Need to be able to communicate with folks who have lived through these types of nightmares... .family and friends try to be supportive but they just cannot truly understand the psychopath I am married to.  They cannot understand how she could have done everything she readily admits to with a smile.  She fooled everyone we knew, well!

Scares me to think about the stuff I have not found evidence on to force her to own up to.

I am sure she is like an iceberg and I have only discovered what is above the water line.

She may be more than just BPD... .she would never admit to seek treatment or diagnosis.

I can suck it up and do what is necessary to protect my daughters.  She keeps to the act of super mom if others are around.  If left alone she reverts to about polar opposite of super mom.

Part of the challenge to prove to jury in our trial.  Doubt they will believe the whole story... .will do my level best.

Understand from the posts on this forum I am in for a long road which will be in and out of court for years.  She is a professed non follower of rules.  She rejects rules now that her mask has cracked and does not even try around me and the home.

You are having a jury trial? How far into the process are you? What is she asking for?

Yes jury trial week after next... .12 months of nasty fighting it out in court hearings after court hearings to get here.  We live in same home with our daughters.

She wants home, majority of community prop, spousal support, child custody or at minimum managing conservatorship of kids.  She wants to put a gag order on me to prevent me ever discussing the nature of why our marriage dissolved.  She does not want any record of her affairs and adulterous behavior.

She wants everything!

Hi Ollie,

I see you've made it over here and met the wonderful LnL.

I just wanted to chime in on some of what she had to say in regards to my SO's divorce from his uBPDxw.


Yes, keep the anger under wraps.  My SO had his anger at his ex used against him.  He was speaking to her on the phone and got frustrated with her, hung up and threw the phone into the couch.  This upset his daughters who then told there mother (who had a parental alienation campaign going).  Between them the story grew to the phone was thrown at the wall and shattered into a million pieces, to their dad wouldn't let them use the phone to call their mother and finally morphed into dad wouldn't let them leave his apartment.  He was then dragged into court for abuse... .all because he got angry and threw a phone into the couch.  He took his intact phone to court and the charge was dropped (the oh so concern mom didn't even show up to court) but he was ordered to go to therapy for anger management.  This turned out to be a good thing it gave him someone to talk to and get support from. My SO doesn't have many regrets about his behavior, but he does regret showing his anger.  By the way both he and you have every reason to be angry... .just keep it on the down low.
  

Do this with Doctors, Dentists, Teachers, camp counselors... .any adults that interact with your kids.  Always be proactive and always go straight to the source.  :)on't wait for your stbxw to give you information... .you could be waiting a long time  


Be professional and focus on what is best for your children.  Try and organize your evidence in a way that stresses how your stbxw's behaviors negatively impact your children.  

You're hurting, what she did to you is a total betrayal, but leave it at the door when you go into the courtroom.

My SO had a 3 inch binder full of evidence and he broke it all down into small chunks divided by tabs.  In his case he had a lot of evidence of neglect regarding their daughters.

For example, their younger daughter had a toothache (mom had majority custody at the beginning) so mom scheduled a dentist appointment and didn't go, so she rescheduled the appointment and didn't go, then she decided she wanted to change dentists and scheduled an appointment and didn't go and rescheduled again... .her daughter had a toothache and this went on for 3 months!  My SO finally found a dentist that was open weekends and got her in.  He had a whole tab in the binder of the emails documenting this and his requests over and over to take her.

She had issues all the way around when it came to parenting... .she was great at getting you costume jewelry when what you really needed was socks and underwear... .she was a combination of neglect and over indulgence.

Panda39

She can want what she wants and she can want it until the cows come home but it doesn't mean she gets it.  Don't buy what she's selling, focus on what you want and go after it.  Typically things will fall some where in between, and yes it's scary... .it's the unknown.  What you can do is put your best foot forward and we can support you through this.

Panda39

It will fall somewhere in between, and you may be unsatisfied with the result. What you will read here is that many parents received full custody and decision-making in stages, over several years, when the BPD parent could not/would not adhere to the court order or behave in the best interests of the child.

The saying is... .it's a marathon, not a sprint.

Jury trial is unusual and expensive. Was that her attorney's idea?  Is your attorney a fighter or a pragmatic guy?

Sealing the documents should be a good thing ("gag" order to use your term). I did that in my divorce and there is no public record - girl friends, prospectibve employers, etc., can't look it up.

Alimony is formula, and only if she has no income, or domestic violence, or has a special needs child (in your state).

Property will be split 50%/50% unless there is something very unusual (domestic violence, etc.) - an if so, then maybe 60/40% are worse - more like in-between those two.

Custody plan will depend mostly on how well you convince te court that you have time, and environment (same school) to care for kids.

I don't want to over simplify (above), but family court is formula - the stories and the fight don't affect the outcome much, except if there is extenuating circumstances. Talk to us (in detail)... .we can give you perspective and things to consider.

These days most alimony is intended as a stop-gap as the person transitions from married to single life.  The exception may be a few states that can order lifetime alimony for long marriages.  Typically, if she remarries alimony may end, depending on the wording of the decree.  If she shacks up, as is more common today, that may make triggering an early end to alimony harder.

So when dealing with alimony demands, think objectively.  If she's not working now, advocate every time that she needs to get working.  Alimony could give her limited time to focus on getting a job or the training for a career.  No, she can't demand she wants to go to college for 4 to 8 years and have you foot the bill.  But maybe a year or two, there are many occupations where a year or two years of classes can qualify a person for a career.  The key to remember, for most people alimony is to help in the transition out of the marriage.  It shouldnt be considered Free Money or Owed Money.

A warning about alimony... .the tax laws have changed for alimony.  Until now alimony was taxed to the recipient.  Often they recipient earned much less and paid little in taxes, a relief to the payer.  However, starting with new orders in 2019 and forward in the USA the payer also gets the tax hit, just like with child support.  Be aware.

I think 5 is the max in his state unless there us something really exceptional - like a special needs child.

Over the course of the last 12 months I have paid to send wife to school to become licensed real estate agent.  She has been able to secure a job and actually sell her first home.

All good because now she is trained and can support herself with her new career... .

Been very costly but oh well better than paying support into a black hole... .at least I have been in same home to see where that money was spent and that is actually did something for her to make the transition.

She does not understand that she does not help her case for asking for spousal support when I just spent money to actually help her get a new career over last year prior to final divorce decree.

I find it extremely disappointing that the courts do not take adultery as the reason for the destruction of the marriage more seriously in their splitting of community property.  I understand child support and what is best for the children is above all else but if during the adultery the wife exposed the young children to felons and dangers of potential abuse that should factor into the way the divorce splitting is handled.

Is there no longer any morals in the legal system?

I guess the difference between a judge trial and a jury trial is that judges are nearly always going to stay to the norm and not deviate from the middle because they have to worry about re-election at some point at a district level.  Jury on the other hand can listen to the evidence and determine if they want to PUNISH a party for their extra ordinary bad behavior and damage to the family by their careless or dangerous decisions which expose the children to abuse.

A judge can try to limit the jury in their decisions but I doubt a judge would ever try to nullify a jury decision in family law case.

Am I missing something here?

Jury trial is unusual in family law case and cost more in time and fees to secure but the ability for the jury to decide a divorce as being caused by adultery and or marriage fraud is not possible by a judge alone in my state. That determination is only possible if the parties go to trial before a jury to try the facts.  That is why I am going before a jury.

Risky yes, but I am not the one with the mountain of evidence stacked on the table documenting my terrible decisions and numerous adultery actions over the years of the marriage.

I will gladly roll those dice at trial and accept whatever the jury comes back with.  Jury’s normally would not over look an individuals crazy actions which destroyed the family and marriage.

What punishment do you seek? 

I'm so sorry the children were abused. What happened to them?

The thing is courts aren't in the "morals" business no matter how much we want them to be and how much we would like to punish someone for their behavior, it is more pragmatic and about "administering the law".

That said I totally get your anger at your stbxw's betrayals and wanting her to hurt as much as she has hurt you and it's hard to let this go when you are in the conflict of a divorce.

Are you seeing a Therapist at all?  It might help to have someone to work through some of this stuff with.

Panda39

Yes I have been seeing a counselor to work though and try to process all of this.  My goal is to work through the anger and be there for our children.

It is more difficult for me at the present because we are all still in the same home.

We have tried to get her removed from the home more than once but the judge was not wanting to put mom out of the home , again the courts here favor the mothers in divorce.  Since I have not done anything to justify them removing me from the home the judge decided to order me and wife to stay in the home until the trial.

I could leave on my own at any time but then I would be leaving my daughters behind and exposed to wife and her poor parental choices while she chases her next man target.

Punishment is for her in the form of reducing her portion of the community funds because she cares so much about the money.  I understand when it comes to child custody the first time in court they will most likely split our time of possession evenly.  I pray I get the managing position to make necessary choices for our kids.

I will be having to return to court as time goes and she reverts to her poor choices which should result in her continuing to loose her custody rights by further court orders.

How is one parent to protect their kids from the other parent who has a personality disorder?

The courts do not seem to want to see that side of the child custody issue at this time (my situation).

My attorney was able to get the court to order us to submit to a court psychologist study which lasted almost 8 months and involved the study of my wife, myself, and each of our children.  Purpose was for the court psychologist to write a report recommending how the child custody should be handled post divorce.

Well we have this report and it finds that the court psychologist recommends that the father has managing custody awarded and visitation for my wife under the requirements she submit a full criminal background check to the court appointed PC for any individuals she would become romantically involved with or possibly expose our children to during her times of possession.

Now I would hope that once we get to trial and this report is presented by the court psychologist it carries weight for the jury and or judge to consider for our child custody orders.

I am told that in this county that court psychologist has been doing this work for over 30years and most of the time she is recommending an even split or weighing toward the mom, very unusual for her to come out with such weight for me the father.  She also eludes to the mom has some personality issues but stopped short from actually stating she has XXX condition because that was not within her court scope of the review.

Dear Ollie2018, I’m sorry that you are in so much pain from your wife’s infidelity, deceit and hurtful actions. I’m also sorry to hear that your daughter’s well being was compromised. It certainly comes across in your posts. They are filled with pain, seeking vengeance, quest to “punish” her and “romove your children from their mother’s care”. Like most of nons you are trying your best in this setuation.
I want to speak to you on another matter, I was in the same setuation that your children are currently in. I was the only child of cheating uBPD mother, and a very hurt father. Through legal system he managed to leave her with just enough to get by. He wasn’t successful at removing me from her care. There was a lot of hurt feelings back and fourth, he was in a “punishment” mode for about 4 years after the divorce. She cried, she regretted, allegedly, and his ego was satisfied for the time being. I want to caution you, that for your children, she will always be their mommy, and the more pain she will be in, the more complicated your relationships can be with your children. I’m not condoning her behaviour by any merit, what my mother did to my father (cheating on him, openly, staying the in the same hotel rooms as I was, asking me not to tell my father thereafter) and what your wife did to you is a very hard pill to swallow. Yet, leaving us without access to the same lifestyle I was used to growing up, telling me that my mother had “xyz” issues turned me away from him, and created the triangle that still follows me to this day. She was a victim (my mom, or your wife), my father was a punisher (as I was growing older, it made me resent him, until I completely cut him out of my life at the age of 15) and myself as a “rescuer” (saving my mother, comforting and consoling her.
DBT skills are amazing for starters to help you deal with difficulty processing the trauma and regulating emotions. When all will be said and done, enormous amount of money spent fighting, all will be left is how you continue having relationships with your children. From myself, I wish you to find peace and enlightenment to let go. I wish my dad took the high road when he had a chance

Yes this is great!  Keep heading that direction.  |iiii


I'm on these boards because my SO has an uBPDxw, but I came from my own co-dependent marriage to an alcoholic.  Because neither of us could afford the house payment and rent we too had to live with each other during and after the divorce.  It is truly an exercise in patience.  Feeling your pain at having to do this.    It is not easy and it feels like you just get re-injured over and over which makes letting the anger go really hard.  Try and focus on the kids and not your ex.

Panda39

Thanks!

This is an example of something that you could tighten up with a consequence for non-compliance. Or, perhaps phrase it as a consequence for compliance. Meaning, if she submits a background check for the men she introduces to the kids, then she gets x. If she doesn't, then y.

For some BPD sufferers, there is a tremendous struggle with impulsivity, to a degree that is hard for us to imagine. Fulfilling desperate needs is such a powerful impulse that she will risk her marriage, her custodial relationship with her kids, and other things that are probably important to her in order to satiate those compulsions and needs.

So knowing that, and knowing that she will probably end up in a situation where the kids could be exposed, what would be a reasonable consequence for non-compliance?

Be as specific and reasonable as you can. If you were a therapist working with someone who cannot seem to get out of her their own way, repeatedly making bad choices that destroy the life she has worked so hard to create, what classes or treatments or parameters might you suggest? What changes in custody would you recommend while she works through her issues?

Courts will give her multiple bites of the apple. But each time she gets a bite, it's better that you be the one offering solutions, not the judge, who will be too vague for what you need, most likely.

Understood.

I assume " one and done "  is not going to be acceptable for the courts as my recommendation  when she messes up... .?

Haha!

 :)

More like, "If background check protocols are not followed, BPDx will be instructed to do parenting classes for 8 weeks with x organization, y organization, or z organization, her choice to choose which one, and visitation will be temporarily set to daytime visits only until classes are completed and a signed formed from the instructors that she attended all classes and completed all assignments."

When the solution is phrased that way, the girls are safe and mom is responsible for earning back the privilege of parenting her girls overnight. She is in control. She is responsible. She is accountable.

This is boundary setting at the family court level.

If she is highly litigious, it won't necessarily save you money in the short term (she can always fire up her lawyer), but you get a little peace of mind knowing that if x happens (which it usually does) court knows that you two will do y and z.

When my now-ex first rushed to family court I had just gotten temp possession of the family home while her Threat of DV case was pending over in another court.  Still, she walked out with temp custody and temp majority time since the family court magistrate only asked our work schedules and yes I was the main income earner.

That was 2005.  From there I got improvements every 2 to 3 years.  By the end (last day) of 2013 I had both custody and majority time.  However the majority time was only during the school year.  While the court did rule that I was being disparaged, it was the fact that teachers reported her creating incidents, obstructing a field trip for our son and she had far more tardies than I did that got me that school-year majority time.

Now, 4 years later, I was mentally preparing myself for a return to court.  Again, it was in some way connected to school.  School was sponsoring AAA driver's education classes this month in the school, immediately after the end of the school term.  She flamed out and ranted when I informed her about upcoming class.  Some of the classes would have been on her time and she put pressure on the kid too.  But she blinked has not obstructed.  Our son got hit hard emotionally but court won't do anything since now I have nothing to take to court.  Two years until son is an adult, looks like we may manage to stay out of court after all.

While over time we do usually manage to improve the court orders, as happened in my case as well, it is a no-brainer in our high conflict cases to approach court seeking the best and most practical orders possible, starting with the interim temp order.  I've never forgotten my lawyer leaning over at my second temp order hearing whispering, ":)on't worry.  Stay quiet.  We'll fix this later."  While he was right, we only had a half hour at that hearing, I got stuck with a typical (lousy) temp order since the magistrate we had during the entire 23.5 months of the divorce process never improved the terms of the temp order.  Every time a professional recommended a change (court's social worker: move me up to 50% time; custody evaluator: immediately remove mother from having temp custody) the court just moved on to the next step.

For us a temp order lasts at least a year, often two years, sometimes even longer.  While temp order hearings are generally brief, maybe only a half hour, you need to be prepared with sufficient documents to quickly explain what and why your temp order needs special attention so the children's needs and your parenting are given attention from the very start.

Good grief... .I am sorry to hear about your long up hill battle.

I have been shocked in the, short compared to your experience, 12 months of family court how the judges seem to separate the ill effects of one parents actions and personal bad choices from their presumed ability to be of value to the children.

If one is making a mess of themselves and their relationships (marriage) how can that individual be kept in direct contact with their child.

In our county the courts have a random rotation of 14 judges to handle the family law matters.

You normally never get the same judge or rarely back to back for motions and hearings... .makes it difficult when you have a complicated situation with the mom exhibiting a history of breaking orders and playing games to delay the process and the new judge has not read any of the case brief and jumps in and wants to hurry the case along because they have another matter waiting.

Very very very frustrated in how inefficient our court system is here.  It allows attorneys to basically shop for a sympathetic judge because if the rulings do not end like they want then they go back again for reconsideration motions and get another judge and he or she may see the same motion differently and changes the recent prior outcome.

This is ridiculous!  Speaking about my local court system.  I am sure there may be a majority of divorces caused by the man making poor choices but it seems clear to me that at least locally for our area the wife is afforded almost endless chances and benefits of the doubt.  It is already believed the man is the guilty of bad actions and affairs before the first words are spoken in the court room.  That is very frustrating because in my case I have never cheated or dishonored my marital vows but more than one occasion I have sat there and been amazed how the judges listens to the arguments and then turns around and does nothing to hammer the mom for breaking court orders.  If I was doing a fraction of what my wife has done over the last 12months I would sitting in jail for contempt of court charges... .

I have thought the same myself many times.  One example... .My ex had been arrested for Threat of DV.  She had to admit it, the recording was played in municipal court, but the judge applied case law where it wasn't considered 'imminent' if there were no weapons involved and so judge declared her Not Guilty.  I remarked to the ADA that if I had done that I doubted I could have gotten the same consideration.  She filed and had the case expunged a few years later.

Knowing the default — but unwritten — preference women and mothers often get we have to always be careful about our own actions.  One slip up, one yell back at the ex and we're instantly cast as the Bad gender yet again.  There are bad dads as well as bad moms, problem parents are not a gender-based trait.  The difficulty is that, as an example, problem dads have been known to seek more time just to reduce or avoid child support.  So when we seek more time we need to be careful to not give the ex any ammunition to claim we're doing it to avoid or reduce child support obligations.


Precisely that happened to me.  One weekend my cell phone died.  Actually son and I were on my time and we went with a daycare outing to a local river where we rafted own the gentle river.  Oops, I got a few drops of water in my plastic-wrapped cell phone and it was kaput.  Once I realized that I changed my greeting for VM to "This number isn't working, please call the home phone."  I thought I had all the bases covered.  However, she never called.  Crickets until late Sunday evening when I accessed my VM and heard ex ranting "Why won't you let me talk to my son!  I demand... ."  She had never once called my home phone nor left a message there.  Son was already asleep so I had him call her Monday morning and they talked.  Well, we had a previously scheduled post-divorce case midweek.  You guessed it, the first words out of her mouth were "I can't call my son, he won't answer!  Blah, blah... ."  :)id the magistrate ask me my side of what happened over the weekend?  Not once, however the cases were stacked up and she was rushing, so when she asked my phone number I did manage to squeeze in "I have a NEW phone I just bought and the number is the same... ."  I was stuck with a strict daily phone schedule that ex used until it was reset back to "reasonable" over 4 years later.

We begin the jury selection process next Monday morning at 8:00 AM.

Trial to begin immediately after jury is seated for this matter.

My job exposes me to legal court actions almost daily so I have been involved with judge and jury trials many times before just never on a family law matter and not a case so personal to me as my marriage and family.

My point is I have seen and experienced the good the bad and the ugly in courtrooms before this and more times than not two parties enter with pie in the sky expectations and somebody is completely missing the boat and just as soon walks into a buzzsaw and gets destroyed.  When one party fails to identify their risk profile for their case in a fair manner it leaves them exposed to a blindsided slap up side the head whether from judge or jury or both.

I know what evidence we have and I know what evidence wife has as we were scheduled for trial back in May and exchanged all discovery before now.  When a jury can see and hear my wife gloating of her affairs, up protected sex, lies and plans for continuing double life if I were to ever question her because she managed the home bills so she would continue to hide money and I would never catch her.

It is one thing to have written messages, audio messages but full high definition color video and audio of wife doing what she did it is very condemning .

Not showing sexual acts or anything like that in court, not necessary.

Additionally when the court ordered a joint child custody determination study by a third party psychologist and her report ends up favoring me to have full control of the children and for wife to have to submit to providing a full criminal back ground check to the court for any potential romantic interest or risk loosing contact with our kids... .makes you wonder how all this will shake out in court.

I will keep you guys posted but less than a week now and we enter the court room.

Again I am surprised wife’s attorney really wants to go to the mat in front of a jury with her client who has been acting a fool during the last 12 months even having another man come stay with her and our daughters in same hotel room, adjoining rooms for New Year’s Eve trip.

And to then send numerous text messages back and forth with man which she knew we were going to get a hold of as evidence.

WTH is she thinking and what a complete self destructive path she has chosen.

When someone with a PD gets into family law court, they can abuse the system (adversarial by nature). Both genders do this. There are biases both ways, but it does seem like women exploit many of the systems designed to protect them, and use them to abuse the non-BPD parent.

There is research to back up the bias that more mothers get primary custody, apparently because more mothers ask for it. In states where mothers and fathers ask for it equally, the rulings favor both equally. That's why we encourage fathers here to ask for primary custody, even when their Ls tell them they may not get it. It does seem like Ls can perpetuate the bias, maybe inadvertently.

I witnessed my ex (male) get five and six bites of the apple, to the point where two bailiffs were called to the court during our hearings and threats of jail, and still the consequences were soft as pudding. I always feel a little   about the female bias comments, but maybe that's because they never seemed to materialize for me, even tho my judge is known for being fair.

I don't know how things compare to other court rooms, but I suspect family law judges do see a lot of crazy people in their court rooms. They may not know what flavor of crazy, but they know crazy. Two weeks before my ex had a psychotic episode, a man shot and killed his ex wife in front of his kids school during pick up. He had lost custody the day before.

Two weeks after that another man lost custody and started firing his gun into a crowded downtown courtyard.

It's so common that these things barely get a headline anymore, and I live in a town with low crime.

I hated the lenience as much as anyone, and am not defending the bias, only to offer a perspective about why judges can appear so lenient.

The judges preside over an adversarial system, and have to settle disputes between two aggrieved and often bitter and sometimes desperate adversaries. Many of them are trying to avoid a violent backlash to what one or both parties will perceive as unfair.

I sometimes felt it was my job to prove I was the loser they assumed I was.

That's why it felt so important to demonstrate that I was there to focus on solutions, not keep problems aflame.

Thanks for the words.

I enter court with both eyes wide open and understand it is like rolling dice.  Wife and I enter with our evidence and intentioned ammunition to do battle.  I understand and believe I am realistic in my expectations.  I will not get everything I want and wife will most likely get at minimum half of everything plus 50/50 child conservatorship.

My main focus is to try and secure the managing position for the children’s conservatorship and some sort of restriction on who my wife can expose our children’s lives to like what the court psychologist recommends.

I do not care about the money and material stuff.

I plan to buy my wife out of our home and she cannot stop that from happening, even her attorney concedes to that outcome as good for her client.

If they gave all the money to wife in trial it still would not save her from her destruction.  She would blow the money and the. Have nothing long term.  You give a person a new car and then they fail to take care of it properly then even the new car is going to break down.

My wife has been living above my safety net protection for entire marriage of 13years.  She never had to worry about having money to do and plan anything she thought necessary.  I have been a huge caretaker for her and wanted nothing more than to pamper her because I believed that is what a good husband should do.

She took all of this and just squandered it and ruined it by her own selfish actions.  She shall not flourish again like she did for the last 13years.  She would never admit it but she will not find another hard working idiot like me to boost her up through thick or thin and be willing to take on board her now stacks of baggage.

I will never give up on my children and will always work to provide for them.  I never see my wife getting full custody in our situation so she will not be able to prevent them from having the quality of life I can afford them.  I will never allow her to make them suffer because of her poor choices.

We may have to go to court every time we turn around to bring her back into compliance with court orders.  Again I know this is a marathon and not a sprint.

She has told me she believes it will come down to the judge having the kids (10 & 8yeRs old mind you) into court room and ask them who that want to live with.  Well that is not going to happen now because neither one of our kids is 12 years or older so they cannot be involved in court like that, not allowed by law for judge to even take them in and speak with them.

Do not try to bother my wife with what the law says she believes what she wants and forget the rest of us. 

I feel like I am heading into court with a teenager  who does not care what the law says because she does not care and believes she is going to do what she wants.

Who knows maybe the jury gives her everything... .I seriously doubt it. 
 

Divorce is difficult business. I know you get the points being made. We are all looking out for you.

So, shifting gears, what are you asking for at trial?

I am asking for child custody to be granted in exact accord as detailed within the report recommendation from the court appointed third party psychologist (8month detailed study and review of myself, wife, and both daughters).  This report recommends I am appointed managing conservator of both children and I make all important decisions for our kids.  I determine where the primary residence is with me for the children.  I am also recommended to be appointed the final decision maker in the event my wife disagrees with a decision for our children, I am recommended to be assigned the position of the tie breaking decision.  Furthermore the court appointed psychologist strongly recommends the wife is restricted in her access to our children and a PC be assigned to review the criminal back ground checks she will have to submit before she can become romantically involved with any adult.  If she refuses to comply the report recommends her access to children be affected immediately.

I am asking for a even split of the community property.

I am stating my intention to buy my wife out of our home and maintain it as my residence post divorce.  Also will remain primary residence for children if so appointed by court.

I am asking for whatever personal property my wife brought into the marriage she takes with her and likewise my personal property goes with me.

That is a nut shell of my focus going into court.

Almost forgot I am asking for the court to enforce the continued child counseling and my wife split the costs for this until they no longer need counseling or have reached the age of consent.

I will be responsible for all medical insurance for the children.

We each can designate one extracurricular activity for the kids and it’s cost will be shared by both parents.  If other extracurricular activities are wanted then the parent who wants them pays for them themself.

I want the court to enforce keeping our daughters in the same school district so they can remain with their friends and current school programs.

I am willing to offer a joint child possession for wife if she is following the court psychologist recommendations.  Her choice to comply and see the kids in a beneficial relationship or if she goes off the deep end again then she is restricted from access.

In the short time I have been on this forum I have received so much advice and shared stories plus been able to scan through the hundreds of others experiences it has provided me with better prospective.

I have refined what I want to accomplish in court this next week.  I no longer see punishment in the cards for my efforts at trial.  Wife will not be punished by me.  Wife will suffer or continue to suffer at the receiving end of her poor choices and terrible actions on her own.

Eventually our circle of friends and family will see what really happened in our marriage and they do not need me to spell it out for them.  If they do not eventually see it then they really do not need to continue to be counted in my circle of friends or family.

My children are not going to be abandoned by me regardless what my wife does or does not do for them.  She cannot control me and my actions just as I cannot control her or her actions.  I want to try and keep my daughters close to me and provide them with one parent who loves them without manipulation.  I pray they both make it through their exposure of a mom who is BPD without developing the same damaging personality dysfunction in their own lives.

Ollie,
I think this is a big step towards freedom for you.  I heard a saying similar to the idea of "holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die".  It was around the idea that enforcing a punishment on someone makes you a warden in a jail.  You and the person you want punished may be on opposite sides of the bars, but both of you are tied to the same prison.

I don't think that a desire for justice is a bad thing, but when you put yourself in the role of making sure that justice is served, you surrender time and energy to that task.  Letting go of the "need" to see justice served frees up that time and energy and it can often be put to a more constructive use.   I hope you are able to experience that freedom.
BG

On that note, I can't say enough about Bill Eddy's book Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Emotionally Resilient Kids While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce

The complicated family systems dynamics when one parent has BPD goes deep.

My son had what others have referred to as a sensitive genotype, and like you, I worried about him developing some kind of personality or relationship dysfunction.

The winning combination for us was my son in therapy, me in therapy, plus lots of reading -- Bill Eddy's book, Power of Validation, I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms, and BPD in Adolescence were priceless.

Looking back, I do wish I did some kind of family counseling that addressed both my son and me. Being in a room with a skilled professional is like witnessing a miracle. My son's reality testing was compromised by alienation, and I gave him good skills for self-validation. But it was much harder to detect what parts of his reality were vetted, and what parts he still believed. Some of this stuff came out in family counseling, and was very painful to hear.

My son's T likes to say that it isn't so much unmet needs that hurt so deeply, it's unmourned needs. Our kids have a lot of both. I regret the rush (unacknowledged) to see my son recover, figuring that if he was in a good mood, then things didn't hurt him as deeply as I worried.

Sometimes, it's when our kids appear to be doing ok that should worry us the most

They go through a lot, so the recovery should, to some extent, reflect that. If we see it, we can address it.

You're a good dad and what you do will go a long way  

I'm glad you found the forums.

This place, these friends here, can change lives, for us and for our kids.  :)

How did the trial go?

Well I did not get to court on Monday due to ANOTHER delay and last minute court drama.

We have now rescheduled this trial for the THIRD time.

End of July now.

I have pretty much hunkered down and am trying to coexist with my worst nightmare under the same roof. 

Although God works in mysterious ways because the delay has allowed wife to really open some Pandora’s boxes with people from my past which she thought would side with her have now come forward and are supporting me.  My ex wife whom I have not spoken with in almost 20years was sought out by my current wife and she wanted to get her to dish dirt on me or something.  Well to my surprise my ex wife reached out to me and warned me there was something reLly wrong with this woman (my wife)who had called her out of the clear blue.  My ex wife actually now is going to testify in my trial for me as a character witness.

I had to laugh because I had not ever planned to look her up and involve her but my wife did so not it is a sleeping dog which once woke up bites.

I do not know anyone who has their ex wife from out of state actually on the opposite side of country wanting to help in a trial of their ex spouse because they saw the red flags of a crazy person who married their ex spouse.  My current wife about fell out of her chair when she got the long email from my ex telling herwhat kind of person and husband I was to her.

I married young and we parted as friends but many years ago... .my BPD wife is becoming desperate to get me to do something before trial that she can use against me.

Kind of scary!

Unless it is a life or death matter I do not speak to or acknowledge her while we are in the same room.  I actually avoid her at all times if possible.  Really bad because I end up holding up in my bedroom most of the time because she sits out in the main den.

Ollie,

I'm sorry about delay number three that really sucks, especially because your stuck in the same house, but I have to say the story about your ex-wife is priceless  :)   Your ex sounds like a lovely and smart woman!

Panda39

Generally lawyers and courts allow continuances, evidently in deference to the professional respect they show each other.  Sometimes there's even a good reason for them.  But if your ex or her attorney tries it again, you attorney should already have instructions to object to the judge... .if the judge doesn't deny the motion first.  By now your judge ought to be getting peeved about another delay.

I recall in one of my later cases my ex's attorney made yet another motion to continue.  He stated my ex had abdominal pains and needed to see a specialist.  Judge denied immediately, so quickly my lawyer didn't have a chance to object.  Besides, my lawyer said the parents didn't need to appear, it was about procedural matters.  Clearly it was a delay tactic.  They ended up having a judge & lawyers telephone conference.

Thanks, All

I have attended TWO full day court hearings this week to again argue why we need to move this case forward.

Wife is fighting all the way... .

She was put on stand under oath to answer in front of judge why she has refused to turn over critical data which was part of our interrogatory discovery prior to last Christmas 2017 and to date she has still refused three court orders to do so.

My attorney cut her to pieces on the stand and wife in fact started arguing with the judge because she was so freaked out.

Judge called all attorneys behind closed doors THREE TIMES during the two days to discuss case and what the hell.  Remember in this county we have 14 revolving judges so you rarely ever get the same judge to hear the case .  This was the first time this particular judge has heard our case.  The judge a woman took time to lecture my wife on record and basically the entire two days of court time I was not asked a single question.  My crazy wife was the focus of all the argument.  She really made a bad lasting impression of herself to this judge.

I learned part of the time behind doors her now THREE ATTORNEYs asked the judge if they could fire their client and get off the case.  Well being less than 30days from trial the judge said NO.  Can you believe this my wife has now alienated her own legal team and is actively seeking to hire a brand new attorney(s).

Well this judge after lecturing my wife ordered us both back to mediation for a SECOND TIME before trial.  Made a point to force my wife to come up with her own money to pay for her half of the mediation fees, to date I have been paying for everything for her and myself and the entire house hold.

Judge said if we fail to mediate this time and still progress to court she will order all of our assets taken to pay for the court fees.

Really is sad for the kids but I will always work to make sure my kids are taken care of.  My wife is burning down the entire home here.  How does one mediate with a crazy nut job.

I have already proposed several options to give her a way to be supported and move on and she did not even respond during last mediation.

Does this judge believe she is going to reach my wife by threatening to seize money?

Good grief.

Good grief is right.

Makes you think justice is blind has a whole other meaning. 

The rotating judges thing is a total boondoggle.

Your case is on the higher end of high conflict. Mine was too. I suspect something more than BPD was fueling the jetpack of chronic litigation. To someone who doesn't understand PDs, it looks dumbfounding. Meanwhile, we pay for their learning curve

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

All I can say is that my case looked like it would never end, and then it ran its course. It took me 8 years to recover financially after six figures in legal fees. I looked at it like a tax I had to pay for a bad investment.

How are you going to handle the mediation? I wouldn't blame you if you surrendered at this point and prepared for the seizing of assets

You know I have.  Started getting ready to convert final 401k account.   At this point for this to settle prior to trial I would have to pay her support to max rate, pay her a cash advance to secure a new home, give her everything she wants from our home, control ing conservatorship of the kids, joint custody of the pets (I do not believe the courts even mess with managing pets but she only wants them when she has the kids and not have to care for them otherwise).

Oh and basically I agree to remove all reference to why the divorce happened, forget her numerous affairs, deceit, taking money from family for her affairs, a fair vacations, cruel treatment... .

So that all seems fair in her twisted world.

This week has been rather taxing on my nerves and restraint.  Still in the same home and therefore really hanging by finger tips.

It amazes me that the courts know this is a very very high conflict divorce with some mental issues involved and yet because they cannot just kick me out of the home because I have not done anything to justify that action they force me to endure her and they refuse to show her out the door.  She has continued her activities business as usual this entire time.  She is now courting a new boy friend via social media but I am to keep a cool head and not loose it even one time.

It is as if they want me to mess up and be escorted out of the home via police in hand cuffs.

Extremely frustrated.

True nightmare!

I have gotten so use to biting my lip and not responding not sure I have a lip any longer.  Two days of court with her three attorneys and my one attorney and I was not asked one question or to say a word.

Unbelieveable and at the end I get to go back to mediation with a nut who is not capable of finding or accepting any middle ground.  The judges say think of the kids.  Yes I have and do every day but when you other half could care less and sees kids as her only effective leverage point to get what she wants it makes one see two options, completely give in to crazy and see what happens, or fight to scorched earth destroy the evil or put it so far in the hole and then hope to build back up .

I will always fight for my kids but I have proposed so many options to resolve this and all have been ignored.  Now it seems she wants to run out the money before we get to trial.

So it is all in or bail... .I have never bailed on anything in my 50 years so not starting now.

But she is now having to pay her own costs, minimal as it might be? Hmmm... .perhaps some progress from this?

The judge saying the court costs must be paid is probably not that big a threat.  In my area, and presumably most areas, the biggest costs are the lawyer bills, the court fees are virtually pocket change in comparison.  Understand that unless you've been ordered to pay her legal bills, then her lawyers will get paid from her portion of the marital equity.  That's how my divorce from an 18 year marriage was handled.


When getting a distribution from retirement accounts, be sure to withhold enough money to cover the taxes and penalties.  Besides, it will let you appear less rich if you don't take it all out in a large sum.  Remember, next April you will regret not withholding enough.

Keep a level head.  Mediation does not have to succeed if it means acquiescing or agreeing to her entitled terms.  Odds are nothing (reasonable) will be enough for her to settle in mediation.  However, courts and lawyers know most cases do eventually settle, yes, even our type of intractable cases.  However, it is usually at the last minute, when the ex finally realizes there is no other alternative.  For example, my divorce lasted nearly to years and it was only when I arrived at court on Trial Day (21.5 months into the case) that she caved.  By that time I was so fed up I stated, "I become Residential Parent or else we start the trial."  She blinked.  Everything else in the settlement was split relatively equally, but I needed the edge as the parent caring for school issues.

Repeat, do not give up more than you should in mediation.  I cannot emphasize this enough:  Giving up too much just to say mediation worked is sabotaging yourself.  If it fails, it fails, proceed to next step.  Court is sure to know it didn't fail because of you.

She wants her misbehaviors wiped clean, tough.  She wants the moon, tough.  You are the financially responsible parent, if you Gift Away too much then you'll crash and burn financially and then how can you help yourself, the kids and, to a limited extent, her.  Court already knows she is the problem parent, if mediation fails, as is very likely, everyone will know it's her, not you.  Then you can state your case in court, knowing that court will almost certainly be "less unfair" than her.  Be the one with reasonable solutions.  (Reasonable does not mean sacrificing yourself or your resources!)  After all, if it is a lousy decision with terms full of loopholes, your lawyer can tell them you'll be back all too soon... .

What happens to the house if the court seizes assets?

Do you and the kids have to find someplace to live?

If there is a ruling written up, make sure it's your lawyer who writes it.

And if the house is to be sold, have very specific language with no loopholes (plus consequences for non-compliance).

She is clearly going to fight to the bitter end.

For many of us, the bitter end was so far past bitter it left us numb. I felt like a husk at the end of my ordeal. Even when things went well for me in court, it was like finding a good parking spot and that's about it. I knew I would be back there the next month, and the next, and the one after that.

What I did learn was to put language in the orders that were specific about non-compliance so I didn't have to wait for the judge to make up his mind how many bites of the apple my ex would get.

"It says here if the parties don't do xyz, then LnL will abc. So that's what we're going to do. Boom, gavel."

Took me close to a hundred grand to learn that 

Thanks for Sharing the insight of what is ahead of me.

I have been ordered to pay all of the costs for this divorce to date. Hers and mine I clouding all lawyers fees and retainers... .all in we are North of couple hundred grand.  Seems like we have been in hearing after hearing and she has three attorneys and I have one.

This has burned through all the family resources so the split still end up being furniture and some pennies.

I have never cared about the money or possessions I want the protection of our children.

I have a good career and will quickly regenerate resources.  She shall not and she will burn through whatever she is awarded. 

I guess in the end she needs to hit absolute rock bottom and maybe that will keep her wings clipped a while for us all to cool off.  Without money attorneys are not likely to pick up the tools and go back to court for you.  As this is a marathon and not a sprint I have already mentally prepared for the fact there will be more legal battles in our future.  That is for sure.

So I also want controlling conservatorship of our children because I am the only parent which is capable of being the constant good decision maker for them moving forward.  Wife is going to be like a crazy spinning ping pong ball moving forward.  If she found two criminals while she was married to fool around with what is she going to do once the marriage is over... .not sure how one sinks lower than felons with violent criminal records.  How much worse could she be to expose our two young daughters to those creeps and believe it was a good thing as they were her soul mates.

I pray the jury sees her for how she is and not how she imagines herself to be.  She still clings to the belief she is super mom.