BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,
Just wondering what experiences you have had with second guessing yourself about ending it with the BPD/trait ex? Even with the whole picture in front of me, and knowing that I did the right thing for me, I still, after 7 months of NC second guess myself. "maybe I was wrong, maybe I jumped the gun, maybe ... ., maybe ... ., maybe"
Zen606

I have done the same thing and continue to do it although not as much. I believe second guessing yourself is a symptom of having been involved with a bordlerine. If you read the literature on the disorder one of their goals is to get you to question your memory, values, sanity, so that you are in constant service of their endless mind games. The only way a borderline can get away with all the cheating, lying, manipulation, distortion, etc. is if you have learned to coexist in self doubt. Please take my advice and whatever you do, don't go back. If you have managed to break away, please stay away. It is an endless cycle with borderlines that become costly on all levels. Love yourself and surround yourself with respectable people who will not make you second guess yourself.

Hey Zen606, I think it's normal to second-guess oneself in the aftermath of a BPD r/s, because there is so much drama and dysfunction to sort out.  My view is that its doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome, because most BPD relationships are not built to last.  The wear and tear on the Non eventually takes its toll.  Just the way it is when it comes to BPD.  BPD, in my view, is a deep, dark well that you will never get to the bottom of, so it's best to move on, as painful as that might be.

LuckyJim

Hi Getoverit and Lucky Jim,
Thank you so much for your supportive words! They are what I needed to hear, and the reason why this forum is so valuable.

Yes, I keep on forgetting to consider the red flags that I saw in the year I knew him, and you are correct it was not bound to last and I believe I knew that. With my ex I did not see tomorrow, only the moments I spent with him so in love and getting the affection I needed. No, I won't go back, its been 7 months and need to remember the relief I felt sending him the good-bye letter. But you know, after processing the second guessing issue since yesterday a bit more, it appears that it is not so much him that I miss but the affection I received. This changes the ideation.

Thank you both so much!
Zen606

It is so confusing to end a relationship with a person you could not trust, and probably will never full understand the hows and whys you got involved with this person. Healthy people are honest and open most of the time, and kind when they have to do and say things that might hurt us. The bad relationships can cause endless grief; our heart is often healed by how healthy relationships deal with the problems without causing long lasting hurt, even when it means ending the relationship. You are on the path to healing by taking a look at how this relationship made you feel and trying to figure out how to do better next time. Keep us posted and let us know how your journey is going.

Hi Zen06,



7 months of NC is a long time you would be grieving the loss of the r/s, I think that you're in the bargaining stage of grieving, there are 5 different stages to grieving, they're not in any particular order, you can enter a stage more than once. The bargaining stage is the stage where we think about how we could have saved the r/s, what could I have done differently, what if I chose this instead of that?

SELF ASSESSMENT | The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0)

Hi Zen06, Please do your best not to relapse. You must remind yourself that while the affection you miss is real so is the pain you will have to experience if you continue with this person. I went through three pregnancies, he lied and cheated throughout the relationship, terrorized me to have abortions, and the list goes on. Please love yourself first and you will a like minded person.

There are many reasons and we have all been there and some of us pivot into this mode still me included.The important part is to always remember why you left , this can be tricky because when out of site ,out of mind we tend to forget the bad .Plus is you are not working to better yourself or distract yourself the loneliness and lack of affection catch up to one self kick starting the whole premise of “could I have made it work” or “ was it that bad VS now”. To heal properly you really need to think about what you can do for you, work out,read,audio tapes ,jogging  etc etc.Not on BPD either but totally different stuff that interests you and you want to learn .Ive come to listen to a lot of Alain watts and listen to motivational videos .Thats my trick!

Just remember they aren’t thinking of us,they moved on quick and we are but possible memories maybe for them , and we are the normal ones so ... .Lots of people keep thinking of them (me included but less and less) for reasons like this :

Love

Denial/shame

Grief

Anger

Loneliness

Wanting to see BPD folks as like NPD folks

Wanting to see themselves as ‘discarded’

Having fun misusing and in some cases just making up psychological terminology

‘Not being wrong’ because someone else is ‘more wrong’.

Propogating the myth that BPD isn’t understandable because they don’t understand it, and wanting to learn more about how they couldn’t have understood anything anyway, and everything is their exes’ fault (so there!)

Prolonging their emotional pain for sympathy rather than, like, actually healing and moving on.

Wanting their pain validated, even if that’s in the most general terms
Good old-fashioned ego massage via. ‘taking it out on the other’.

Heartbreak.

Puffing frantically to keep their previously idealization-inflated ego-balloons from flopping out of shape.

It’s tuff but keep posting here and remember it’s ok to think of them ,as long as it’s less and less.

Hi Zachira,
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I do believe I am on the path to healing, in particular with my background of having a mother with bp traits, she may have qualified for  the diagnosis.

The best thing I did was seek therapy a month before the last break-up with the bp trait ex, I had already seen the red flags accumulate and was tired of it.  More frightening to me was observing my ex's behaviors as so similar to those of my mom -- very confusing and inconsistent. This is when I got the hell out of there -- figuratively speaking.

My journey is going well although sometimes I have my weak moments when I forget all of the reasons for leaving, this is where this forum comes in. All of you are so encouraging and supportive, thank you!
Zen606

Hi Mutt,
Thanks for pointing that out! It helps to name it. This ideation, the maybes, is something recent, so yes it may be that phase that I am in.
Zen606

Thank you Getoverit,
I am being strong not to relapse! I have been careful as to avoid places that he frequents so that I am not tempted. I had thought about what I would do if I were to see him again, and about a month ago I did see him, he stopped the truck and smiled and said hi! My response was to state at him, in shock or disbelief -- not sure which I felt at the time-- and got into my truck. I guessed he realized I was not going to engage him and drove off.

I can't/won't engage him, I know my weaknesses. Stay away and go on with my life, that is my plan, even if the thoughts come to me on and off and are sometimes unbearable
Zen606

Hi Shawnlam-
Yes, I am hoping that the thinking decreases, as there is so much more to occupy my time. I am seeing an excellent therapist who is more an analyst and we are working on me, my ex drifts in and out of the conversation, but it is mostly on my childhood with my bp trait mother and enabling dad. So certainly much to work on.

Thank you.
Zen606

Like what you're sayin' Zen606.  Yes, thoughts come and go, yet that doesn't necessarily mean we need to act on them.  It seems like you are practicing mindfulness by looking at your thoughts from the outside, which is an excellent technique for healing.


Great work, Zen!  I find it useful to figure out why one got into a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place, and usually the answer had something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma, so I think you are on the right track.  Keep us posted, when you can.

LuckyJim

Hi Lucky Jim,
Yes, I am practicing mindfulness when these urges come on. I also go to the inner child -- me -- and ask her what the emotions -- my urges -- remind her of.  She tells me how she wishes she had parents that were truly there for her and not lying and being inconsistent. As the adult, I then provide her the reassurance she needs; she is now with me and I will protect her.  The latter is part of my psychoanalysis, going back to the child, in general, for me it goes back to my parents.
Zen606

Sounds like you are making great strides, Zen606.  I admire your process, which I predict will lead to greater happiness for you.

LJ

what are you second guessing?

Thanks Lucky Jim,
I am trying very hard to get myself out of the old and into a more insightful me. Getting involved with someone whose behaviors reminded me of my BPD/trait mom, scared the lights out of me.  I knew I had to do something different.
Zen606