BPDFamily.com

My BPD partner and I have been temporarily separated since March. I had to move out of our beautiful home, because if I hadn't, I simply couldn't have continued living. The emotional abuse (not physical) was almost poetic in its degree of severity. But I honestly hadn't even recognized it as abuse, until a dear friend who's a psychologist finally said, "I've tried to be objectively supportive, but I can't hear you talk about this anymore without saying something. She's abusive, and she has BPD. I've watched you become a shell of a person over the past year because she's beaten you so far down that you don't know which end is up. Get out, and do it now." 

So I did, and got a 6-month lease. She finally saw that she has a problem and set about getting help. She's now in a good DBT program, and, at least in her opinion, it's going very well. We haven't seen each other or spoken much over the past few months. (I needed the space, and I also didn't want to enable her anymore.) She said she wanted to finally sit down to talk this weekend, and that her therapist said it'd be a good idea. The timing has to be right anyway, I guess, since I have to let my current landlord know next month if I'll be renewing my lease or moving out.

But here's the thing: I deeply frightened that this is going to go very, VERY badly.  I keep trying to be positive about the work she's been doing in the program, but I also *know* her. I don't believe that she's going to be able to actually hear me when I try to finally--for the first time ever--explain what MY experience has been like over the past year, and the way that experience has severely affected me. (The therapist I started seeing diagnosed me with PTSD... .but more on that in a different post.)

I don't know how to have this conversation without triggering her, but I need--more than anything--to finally be heard, and for her to finally be a witness to the damage... .to own her part of it. Any advice for how best to handle this? How can I approach this in a way that works for both of us?

You are dreading talking with your BPD partner about your relationship, as you anticipate based on past experience that it is not going to go well. Right now you are suffering from PTSD from all the abuse in the relationship, and you would like your partner to witness how much she has hurt you. It is normal to want an apology and recognition from the person who has hurt you so deeply You are spot on in anticipating that she has not changed, and you do not know what to do. People with BPD rarely have any insight about their past actions, and are unable to apologize for the hurt they cause others.
You would like some advice on what to do. I would say: Do not talk to her alone, as it is likely to escalate into a very hurtful abusive confrontation. You might agree to meet with her and one of the DBT counselors to discuss your relationship's future and what has happened in the past. Your partner will most likely behave better in front of a counselor and the counselor will know how to keep the conversation constructive.
Do let us know what your thoughts are and post any time, as we are here to support you.

How did the conversation go?

Turkish,

Thank you for asking! It went surprisingly, shockingly, suspiciously well. I say "suspiciously," because it has yet to be proven that her actions will match her words, and I've learned from previous experience that they rarely do, but I'm... .ENCOURAGED by the conversation we had yesterday.

At the recommendation of my therapist, I started the conversation by asking her about what she's been experiencing/discovering in her DBT program. The first words out of her mouth were: "I've come to realize that I expected you to be my lover, my mother, my housekeeper, my cook, my nurse, my entertainer, my emotional rock, my social-calendar keeper, my party planner, etc. etc. etc... .and that is utterly insane." Just this one sentence filled me with hope. She went on to explain the levels of self-awareness she's been exploring through DBT, the specific work she's been doing, and the tools she's been learning to leverage to regulate her emotions. She also told me that her psychiatrist finally found a medication that works well with her body chemistry.

And then she said, "I know you need to tell me about your experience over the past few years. And I'm prepared to listen to all of it and accept my role in all of it. Go ahead."

So I did. I was calm, and managed not to cry too much, when I explained what I'd been through and what the end result was. It was incredibly hard putting PTSD into words, but I did (and was glad I had prepared for this with my therapist). And she actually listened. SHE LISTENED. Without getting defensive, without becoming cruel, without turning my words around on me. Quite frankly, the conversation felt so alarmingly healthy that I kept waiting for the shoe to drop... .but no shoes dropped at all.

So I guess this is all to say: I'm cautiously optimistic. Actions speak louder than words, of course, so time will tell. I'm not moving home anytime soon, and she understands why. But we're going to start spending time together again, to see how it goes.

Wow that's great!

I think cautious optimism is valid here.  :)

It looks like you took a wise decision.  |iiii

Did you discuss of a plan with your T about how you will manage the transition?