BPDFamily.com

Now divorced three years and separated 4 years from my BPDhusband, I continue to embrace what I learned from it as I am dating.

I'll admit, while I fully invite and confide in this message board and sight, I've resisted fully putting my ex-husband into the BPD box.  I've made many exceptions for him and will likely always do so, because he is a human being, and not a rat in a science laboratory.  He had a lot of great qualities that I am having a hard time finding in another man.  So I'm posting this evening to find out if you have taken anything good from your experiences as well?

He recently made a visit out to visit the kids and myself and wanted to reconcile. His new wife had left him and he cannot handle being alone.  It wasn't very flattering, so I sent him home early--even paid for his early return ticket myself.  I am not strong enough to resist this guy yet.  He's super hot.  And funny. 

And unstable. 

I realized during this time that all of the things I love most about him are polar opposite when he's on his downswing.  Generosity and kindness to others turns to violence and lack of empathy.  Super man becomes a near invalid and paranoid schizophrenic.  I went from rock star escort to caretaker in just a few hours.  His testosterone has also fallen severely from pharmasudical drugs.  The romantic spell has pretty much been broken, but I continue to appreciate his strengths and am now looking to find them in my true soulmate. 

I recently watched a sermon called 5 traits to tell if someone is your soulmate by Toure Roberts and discovered that after the chemistry phase, you enter the phase of connection.  This is where you become attracted to someone's Spirit.  I now realize that this is what I'm looking for in my next partner; a beautiful Spirit. Generosity, trust, kindness to strangers/animals/children, loyalty, heroism, honesty, brutal honesty, lack of judgement, empathy, connection, emotiveness/expression of emotion, passion, humor, risk---these are all qualities my ex carried (but that were also quickly abandoned when he went south, regularly) that I want to find in another.  I can now feel good about saying, THIS is what I was attracted to---and NOT the drama (I am offended when people assume I was addicted to drama).  Honestly, he wasn't all of these things anymore, and I missed them.  The fact that he wasn't these things any more made him less attractive to me now. 

Have you thrown away the entire package of your ex, or do you look for some similar qualities in your new/next partner?

I believe I can meet a new partner who will have many of these qualities, but without all of the other scary stuff. 

Interesting thing: My ex no longer is violent, but he still blames others for ALL of his problems/obstacles.  I think his poor lifestyle has awarded his resistance to be violent, but I think deep down he is likely even more bitter and still has the possibility of being violent, if triggered. In some ways, I sense more anger beneath the surface, now that he's had to suffer so much and yet hasn't really grown in understanding.

I think you are addressing a challenge that many of us can relate to: Your ex had some really wonderful qualities that made you fall in love with him, and you still miss enjoying the good parts of him. Unfortunately he has behaved so badly over the years, that you know there is no possibility of getting back together. It is so hard to be alone and not in a relationship, and this is when we are most vulnerable to longing for the parts of the relationship that attracted us in the first place. You are doing the right thing by looking at what you want to do differently in your next relationship. You might enjoy the book "Attached" by Heller and Levine which is the best book I have ever read on how to find a healthy partner. There are many of us on this site who are getting over distressing relationships and determined to attract a healthy caring partner next time. Let us know how you are doing from time to time, and how we can best support you in your journey.

calledandchosen     I think this is a rewarding task--to figure out the elements of the ex in our life. Then sort out what was "probably the PD" stuff, what were the qualities that attracted us, asking the deeper questions about replaying the dramas. I encourage you to keep going on this, I think it'll lead you to be a more confident person when you bring yourself to dates in the future.  :)

I believe you certainly can meet a partner with many fabulous traits and without all the other scary stuff.  :)

Looking at what I wrote before, I suppose I'm looking at a similar set of traits as those I was looking for before the pwBPD. Kind, communicates well, etc. There was a time when I started to question fundamentally if there was something terribly wrong with my criteria because I happened into a pwBPD relationship. At that time, I let the criteria go. After some time passed, a lot of inventory, looking at self and my ex, I think now that it's still effective to have those wants, as long as I've ironed out which elements were "probably" the BPD in my mind.

Something that helped me with this is seeing that nons probably are not served by throwing out their wants with the bathwater. As you put it, to throw away the "entire package". To me, there was a huge incentive to categorically avoid anything that resembled my ex. The experience was so horrible. I'm sure I'm not alone on this one on the board--re the dozens of pages of nons listing red flags.

Further down, my worry last time was that some arrangement of traits had some strong correlation to the pwBPD. So it's "probably all tainted". The thing that freed me from this further on months or years later was coming to some understanding of how pwBPDs operate from the object relations unit perspective. I'm not a T and I'm not in the field, so please excuse me if I've not quite put this right--but it works for me.

Basically, understand that a pwBPD probably runs as a hodgepodge entity of three units--one rewarding, one withdrawing, around some kind of childlike self. The rewarding image is the part were I derived heaps of satisfaction--and probably where nons got the kicks of idealisation from.

OK, so the point is that the image that I got the most pleasure from seems to me to be trait-independent.

A bit more detail. Focus on the rewarding image's elements:

• What is the pwBPD (identification in that moment)? The child.
  
• What am I (projected identity)? Some parent image.
  
• What is the pwBPD's strategy (in that moment)? Child is to cause caretaking by the parent image.
  

So the point is that each of the three above elements have very little to do with individual personality traits. I'm pretty sure there's no "extra honest" or "very kind" identifier for BPD. There are thousands of combinations.

So it seems easier to me to have a basic set of traits to want, and then be on the lookout for triangulation that looks like the rewarding or withdrawing you learned about (so past hypersensitivity here becomes an asset). This all seems to me easier than trying to pick the lock of, say, which of the 16 personalities is my current prospect in, what is the %-rate of PD in that personality type, etc.

This helps me--I hope this can help you find a shortcut in your searching for what you want too.   :)

Here's a great thread (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321381.msg12940984#msg12940984) about what traits members are interested in. I like how it seems to leave the lid open for any number of fabulous qualities--brutal honesty, loyalty, kindness--whether pwBPDs have them or not.  :)

I hope you enjoy your peace and experimentation.  :)

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  zachira I bought this book because it's supposed to be an enjoyable read--but I've not read it yet. I'm interested in what you think of it. Any chance you could put a comment on the book page on the site?   :)

Hi, calledandchosen! 


   Ha!  Yes, my relationship with BPD-ex ended many years ago, but I can remember what this felt like.  Thanks for the reminder. 


Are you sure it's these qualities you're looking for?  Or are you seeking the feeling you had with your ex when things were going well?

she was the most thoughtful gift giver i have ever met in my life. her other loved ones would confirm this. her gifts were not only things you never even thought of or imagined you might need, but they said "i get this about you, and i appreciate you."

i dont need material gifts as an expression of love, per se. but that level of thoughtfulness set a really high bar, and i tried to meet it in return. it taught me a lot, and id certainly love to give and receive that in future relationships.