BPDFamily.com

Friends, I've been doing a whole lot of soul-searching lately, as I struggle to figure out how to make this relationship work. So, please forgive this potentially meandering post as I try to work it out "on paper"... .

Last night, as I was thinking through things, a new question hit me: WHY do I want to make this relationship work? My immediate answer to myself was, "Because I love her." But do I? And if I do, is that healthy? What does it say about my own emotional/mental health if I "love" and work hard to stay with, essentially, my abuser? I keep telling myself that she has a disease, but at what point is that no longer a valid argument because of her continuously damaging behavior?

And how much more am I able to sustain? I read the posts on this message board, and am flooded with gratitude for those of you who have been navigating the challenging waters of being in a relationship with someone with BPD. I absorb your advice on how to diffuse high-octane interactions, how to hold an effective conversation without being an enabler, how to establish boundaries, etc. But here's the thing: Even though my partner is in a DBT program, these are actions I will still have to take for the rest of our lives if I stay, even if things improve because of the DBT. She will never be fully "recovered," according to all the books and experts I've consulted. Am I emotionally able to do this forever? And if I am, WHY IS THAT? All relationships require work, but this is a lifelong level of work that seems to project those of us who do it into the realm of martyrdom. What part of me believes that sacrificing myself for this relationship is a good idea?    What is it that I'm looking for, truly, by staying in a relationship with someone who doesn't seem capable of truly loving me? Again: What does that say about my own mental/emotional health?

Have any of you grappled with these questions? I'd love to hear your thoughts... .

Yes, I have those thoughts of what the heck is wrong with me to care about someone so toxic.

I'm really NOT a people-pleaser, not a let anyone walk all over me kind of person, so many of the reasons people stay with BPD lovers don't apply to me. In fact, I think the things that are GOOD about me (empathic, loyal, willing to see complexities) are what kept me in the relationship 3 years.

I don't think it's a character flaw that I fell in love with a sick person who also happens to be very attractive, has a sweet soul, and an interesting inner life.

However, I ultimately decided staying with such a person would be an act of self-sabotage.

You ask deep questions.

I have to unfold what works slowly.  Like the petals of a flower.

As i move through spaces, learn, grow, work on myself, focus on me, the other person has room.  Room to be themself.  Things start to flow, make sense.  I have to live the answers, not think them.

Does that make sense.  Blessings, j

You have so many difficult painful questions about your relationship and how it affects you. You wonder what staying in the relationship says about your emotional/mental health and what keeps you in a relationship that is always going to be difficult and painful. There are many people on this site who are/have been in relationships similar to yours and have made different decisions at different times on what to do. Probably what is key about making the best decisions that feel right to you, is self care. Self care involves many things and is different for everyone. Some common denominators of self cafe involve  fully acknowledging your feelings, getting to know yourself inside and out, and having quality time to yourself. To stay in a difficult relationship, it is important to know which feelings are yours, and what feelings belong to your partner, and to have healthy boundaries in how you take responsibility for what goes on in the relationship. All this is difficult and be patient with yourself as you find your way, as many on this site will share with you the paths they eventually choose and all the time it took to get where they felt more grounded in their decisions, despite the time and effort it has taken to get there. Keep us posted on how you are doing and how we can best support you.