BPDFamily.com

This is my first post. I am writing this the morning after my adult (29) daughter told her mother and me that she was done with us and has blocked our phone calls and facebook accounts.

She lives about 400 miles away and has been living with her current boyfriend for 3 years. She has a history of relationship problems, and this is the first that has been with a decent guy. After about 7 years of turmultous relationships, this one has gone pretty well for the last three years. Recently, however, things have taken a turn for the worst. Apparently, she started pressuring him for a more permanent commitment (marriage?), and he is non commital. This has triggered her fear of abandonment and her splitting behaviour. We have learned that when she goes into this mode there is little that can be done to calm her down, she seems to feed on transferring her angst to us or whoever else she can. Knowing this we are reluctant to give her much advice (she really doesn't want advice, just constant affirmation that she is being done wrong.) It got to the point she was making threats of self harm. I have refused to engage in those kind of discussions, and since she is 400 miles away I sent her a crisis number. That and the fact that her mother said she was praying for her set her off and she didn't communicate with us for about a month (including mother's day).

 Things appeared to be thawing the last week or so, until last night when she called, very upset about no commitment from the significant other. This is exacerbated by the fact that he is in the military and is on 2 week rotations away from home.

It didn't take long in the conversation (we were completely non-confrontational) that she blew up in anger with us and said "f-you, I'm done with you guys". She subsequently unfriended us on Facebook and claims to have blocked our phone numbers.

I have no problem with respecting her wishes and having no contact, but her anger is completely irrational and concerning. She is alone and we are concerned that she will do something stupid. We have learned over the years that we can't stop her, but it hurts just the same. I'm sure if I suggested she get professional help she would just view that as an attack and more abandonment.

So that is the main question, how do you get someone who exhibits at least 6 of the 9 diagnostic criteria to accept that they have a problem and seek help? She ALWAYS thinks that everything that goes wrong is caused by someone else.

Very sad

Hi wrightrandy, welcome to the son/daughter board.

I am sorry to hear of the current problems that you are facing with your daughter.

I think it would be extremely difficult to get your daughter to accept that she has a problem and seek help, especially if she thinks that the cause of all her problems lies with other people and that there is nothing wrong with her.
Unless she realises that she does have a problem, I can’t really see what you could do.

I was interested to read this that you wrote “I have no problem with respecting her wishes and having no contact”.

May I ask you, as a mother of a son who has no contact and doesn’t want any contact with me, how did you manage to get to the point where you have no problem having no contact?

Hi,
the simple sad answer is we can't get them to the place they need to be. If your story is anything like mine I am sure you have tried until it nearly killed you.

Mine is 28 and a Mother and refusing to accept she put her child at risk by in my pool drunk with her.Then came the crying, shouting blaming me, all in front of the poor child.Now she refuses to admit I was quite within my rights to protect my Grandbaby.

Yours needs to hit rock bottom and she's not quite there yet. You and I know had you sided with her it would have bitten you on the butt as well. As soon as things were cozy with him again she would change how your judgment of him came about.

She's throwing her toys out of the pram. She is responsible for staying with a man who doesn't want to marry her. I am assuming you didn't match them up . Why on earth should you comment on this situation.

All we can do ( I did it but it didn't work last week) is send her a message and let her know you understand she was upset and may have said things she didn't mean.That you love her and will be there for her when she wants to reconnect.

Let go and let God.

Perhaps “I have no problem with was the wrong way to say it. I am willing to accept it because I know what the Alternative is, which is conflict and abuse. That being said, her mother has a lot harder time resisting the urge to try to “help” her, even though we have seen over the years that it doesn’t really help at all.

Letting go goes against all of our biological programming. It must be so hard for your wife. I have found myself so tired by it all I became tired of life. I neglected myself, stayed alone after my partner died. Trying to live a normal life sparked all of her abandonment issues. I guess your dtr being so far must be a lot harder on your wife too.

A therapist who deals with abuse issues sat me down when my Grandbaby was 1. She told me to imagine my dtr as the adult she is. Then imagine she was not my dtr and look at her behaviour towards me through that filter. It did help me see how horrific her behaviour was.

Things improved because it was me who changed not her. I still slip back and things can suddenly escalate. I am now in a Mexican standoff with her . I know that this is a boundary I must enforce as it affects my Gchilds safety now and in the future. No wiggle room on this issue. I have to say tho, I can not accept her assertion that I wait for her to relax to attack her. I have no idea where these ideas come from. It did show me there is a pot of resentment still there that just boiled over. It sounds like IMHO your dtr is also resentful of more than this issue.

We deserve more. We deserve common decency at the very least.

Hi again, and thanks for clarifying what you meant by saying “no problem with”, I think I was hoping for some wonderful insight into how to get to that point, but I am so pleased for you that you are able to accept that what is... .IS. Yes, I am with you, sometimes these things are easier to accept when knowing what the alternative would be. My H also deals with our situation much better than me, he can look at things in a different way to me and unlike me doesn’t let emotions get in the way of his thought processes. I can totally understand how it is affecting your wife.

I was wondering whether you might have had chance to look at THE LESSONS on the right, in particular Lesson 2 ~ If your current approach is not working - change it. Just thought you might find it interesting to read.