BPDFamily.com

Hello I was wondering if you could help me and maybe short story is I have been with this amazing girl and mother of my 2 children for nearly 7 years it has been and on and  off relationship but never to this extent just last Monday she broke up with me out the blue saying she no longer loves me and has had these feelings for long time I am absolutely heartbroken I know she suffers from BPD and is waiting on getting therapy    she has asked for me to stay in the house until I find somewhere else to stay and I have just got act everything normal for the kids is there anyway I can get her to fall back in love with me or am I at a lost cause .

Kinda in the same boat. You can't do anything to make her "fall back in love with you." It hurts, it's heartbreaking, but it's true.

Question - is the house hers? Yours? Both? If she is the one who wants out of the relationship, then she should probably be the one who leaves. Not you. For men like us who end up in relationships with women with BPD, we are used to being doormats. Don't be one. Stick up for yourself and be strong for those kids.

Instead of trying to save your relationship, save yourself. Get emotionally healthy and back off from her. This is your only path forward. I know because it is my path forward.

Aaastiff,

I'm sorry for the tough spot you're in, but am glad you've found us.  This is a great place to get support, from people who have been there.  There is hope.  The first thing is not to make any sudden moves or decisions.  Many of our members have experienced many breakup threats, and each threat appears more convincing than the last.

This is the Bettering board, where folks come who are looking to save or improve a relationship.  So we are not going to tell you to leave a relationship when you come to this board for help.  More info on the particulars for this board can be found in the Bettering Board Guidelines (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56303.0).

You've got experience with her.  How have you gotten back together in the past?  Is she raising the topic of a breakup with you?  Or is it going unsaid?  Where are you sleeping?  One strategy is to just be steady, pretend that she has not broken up, and continue to be courteous and kind without trying to hard.  Just slightly warmer than neutral.  She may warm up.  This strategy could work many times for years, but I'm not suggesting that you keep just doing this.  Please stick with us, become a regular visitor to the board, and let us work with you on learning tools to make things better.

Finally, no matter what turn things take, do not leave the home until you have temporary custody orders.  Your hope is to save the relationship, but if she asks you to take a time out and leave the home for more than a night or two, you may be undermining your shot at parenting time with your children by "abandoning" the household.

WW

Hello thank you for your advice I am sleeping in different room every night and yes it has been mentioned alot now nothing is like normal and she is very cold I think I need to let it go and move on because it will just kill me seeing her with somebody else that's what I'm getting myself prepared for

How old are your kids?  Son(s), daughter(s)?

Has she discussed a timeline for you about when to live separately?

When you say "let it go and move on" how does that protect you from seeing her with someone else?  Do you intend to stay in the kids' lives?

WW

Hi Aaastiff,

I don't want to get your hopes up about staying together, but may I ask how many times she has threatened a break up?

My SO has done it hundreds of times and I believed it every time. It was never true, so far. But it felt totally real and convincing. He will push it to the point that he is very, very convincing and come up with new ways to make it seem real, but... .you get the point.

There is no need to move too fast or be pushed by a person's dysregulation, if this is what it is.

You say it was out of the blue, but I want to probe a little deeper on that.  Has she been complaining about anything about you or your family life? Is she having her cycle? There are reasons, we just might have missed them.

with compassion, pearl.

My kids are 1 and 3 years old now been over a week I'm so heartbroken problem isbwe are still in the same house we have broke up twice in the past x

Today she also says doesn't want a family life and wants to be just on her own I pleaded again today but i got nothing no emotion now been over week she finished the relationship and nothing seems to be improving its so sad that someone who was big part your life for so long can just turn off all there emotions just like that

When our first two children were 1 and 3, we hit a crisis point.  That was the hardest parenting ever got.  The 1 year old needed so much attention, and the 3 year old still needed a lot.  My wife was home with them full time, and she sunk very low.  BPD symptoms get worse with stress.  Relieving some of her stress is likely going to help.

Do you work full time?  Does your partner work full time?  How involved are you with child care?  Does your wife have friends and family nearby who give her helpful, healthy support?

Right now, the situation needs to be stabilized, and as the healthy one, that job falls to you.  We can help you.  The answers to those questions will help give us a better picture of your situation.

WW

We both work full time but work around each other Rota she does 30 hours I do.39 I would say that yes I am 100 percent involved in children lives if not more than my ex partner family also help out to if not working at wkend

Thanks for the detail.  Our pwBPD often say things that they truly feel in the moment, but then a short time afterward, they may say the total opposite.  For someone without BPD, this is very hard to understand.  But I think that they really do mean the things they say -- their emotions and thoughts just fluctuate much faster than ours.

Do you think that two weeks from now, your partner will still want to abandon parenting?
If she does, do you think that is the best thing for your children?
She stated a desire to break up with not just you, but with the kids.  Something is at the root of this.  She is likely overwhelmed.  Does that sound like it might be accurate to you?  If so, what might be done to lessen her burdens and support her?

WW