BPDFamily.com

Looking for some wisdom and ideas on how to handle the latest thing to be painted black.  The pets.

We for years had been a loving and inclusive family.  We've had chickens, cats, dogs, fish, hamsters... .
Right now we have 4 dogs (1 of the D11's service dog) and 1 cat.  Stbxw is the one that "wanted" all of these dogs.  Now she is telling me to take them all, or she's surrendering them to a shelter (except the service dog).

Taking care of 4 dogs is no easy task, and currently on an acre of land and 3,000+ sq' of house its ok.

Fast forward to two smaller places and 4 dogs becomes unreasonable and problematic.  Not to mention good luck trying to find a place that will allow it. 

I can take the 2 small ones and the SD goes back and forth, or I can take the 1 big one plus the SD back and forth.   She has been adamant that she no longer wants anything to do with the pets.

How do I explain to the kids that we can keep some but not all?  How can I make them choose who to keep?  I mentioned to stbxw that the kids will never forgive her if she forces them to give up some of the pets.  Her response was, "I know my legal obligations and I do not have to take any of the pets.  I no longer want them.  You take them ALL or explain to the kids that its YOU that is choosing to give them up."

help?

Ouch. This is a tough one.

DON'T ask the kids to choose which pets to give up. If you have to be the bad guy, be the bad guy, but don't be THAT bad guy, if you follow me. A lot of families have to give up pets when they move, the pet bites, there are allergies, or they become too expensive. You aren't the first to have to do this. You can try to make it a more positive experience by finding a family to take them or a good shelter. But the kids will be upset and grieve, and you can find ways to support their grieving.

Ask friends who have had to do this. Search Google. Start here... .

https://www.parents.com/advice/parenting/pets/how-to-explain-getting-rid-of-a-family-pet/

It might also be useful to get the kids in counseling, if they aren't already.

Sometimes the loss of pets is where other difficult emotions get channeled. My son didn't cry about the divorce, he cried because we had to leave his cat behind.

Therapists help kids learn to handle difficult feelings. It's not uncommon for us (nonBPD parent) to be so consumed with the big picture that we roll past the nitty gritty emotional work that our kids need to do.

It is hard to admit this, but I struggled to see my son's raw emotions because it stirred up my own. Sometimes I think I avoided difficult things my son was coping with simply because I was overwhelmed myself. I was afraid of falling apart.

A therapist for the kids can help bridge that gap if it exists.

Flourdust, I hear what you are saying.  I'll have to pick and just deal with the fallout.  Asking the children to take on that guilt is not fair to them.

I think trying to find a good home may help ease things a bit.  The only major issue with that is like all things BPD stbxw has a skewed sense of time and entitlement.  I basically have to take all the dogs NOW or take care of them at the house (she has temporary residence while it sells).  Ok, so I go to the house to take care of them, but I'm not allowed in.  I force the issue and now she demands on the days I come by to take care of the dogs I have to put her up in a hotel... I kid you not.  She is very much using everything she has to try and control my life away from her even if it hurts the kids.  Only silver lining in this is her true colors are really shining and it only helps me stay on track of being SO glad to be divorcing.  Thank you for the link.

Livednlearned, D17 is in therapy and D11 has met and joined a few times.  Working on getting her set up, but stbxw is making that difficult.  I will keep on it though.  I know what you mean by not "seeing" the raw emotions.  We only have so much mental capacity and our BPD partners use that all up leaving nothing for the kids.  I hope you and your son are doing better now.

thank you,
-oz

I wonder if there are temporary foster arrangements that could be made while this settles out? At the very least, to allow you to care for your pets while your ex is in the home. I know it's easier said than done, sometimes the right person has to show up at the right time and do the right thing for these things to work, especially when you are stressed to the nth degree trying to keep it all together

Remember to be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can with what you have, and may need to be reminded that you deserve kindness, even if you are the only one who can gift that to yourself for now.

 

LnL

Hey ozmatoz;

I hear you want to involve your kids in this process, because the pets are special to them. You're right not to put the guilt of "decide which pet to keep and which to give away" on them. Maybe a different way to involve them would be you, as Dad, make the decision that "I'm so sorry, kids, but because of (the divorce, the houses, whatever), we need to find another home for Rex and Fluffy. Max and Kitty will keep living with us, though. I know how much they meant to you, so (and here's where YOU did some legwork ahead of time), let's decide together whether Grandma, Uncle Steve, or your friend from school would give them the best home." You've already decided which pets need another home, and you have a short list of known takers that the kids also know.

You have a lot on your plate right now, I'm sure. It would be some work to ask around ahead of time to find willing takers that you know for your pets. Could you enlist a family member or friend to do the asking around for you? I'm just wondering if it would be easier for the kids if they knew that the pets were with Grandma, or Second Cousin Joe, or That Family From Church, or something -- maybe somewhere where they could still have a connection (even through emailed pictures), or feel less anxiety because they know Grandma loves cats.

Hope this helps;

kells76

Oz,
This situation really sucks.  I think you've been given great advice.  One other place you may be able to look is at breed specific rescue organizations.  They typically deal with rescuing from kill shelters, but they have an awesome network of foster families and methods for placement in really good homes.  Not sure if your pets would qualify, but it might be worth looking into.

I did also want to suggest that you take a few minutes to check whether you are being overly helpful in this situation.  As we often need to remind ourselves and eachother, pwBPD can ask for anything, but it is not necessarily our responsibility to give them what they ask for.  Even if we give them what they are asking for, it's a good practice to look for something beyond just "relative peace and quiet" or a major dysregulation avoided/ended as a trade off.  Here sense of entitlement says that you need to do this.  It is perfectly appropriate for you to say "I am willing to do this in exchange for... ."  For example - look at the pets as a shared marital asset/debt.  If you had to "find a home" for a family car, potentially taking a loss on it, any time/money you spent doing so would need to balanced by her spending equivalent time/money or having that money deducted from her share of the final settlement.

There is a LOT of emotion wrapped up in this situation and your stbxw is leveraging that for all it's worth.  I know that nothing she could give would counter the pain of watching your kids grieve the loss of their pets, but it might help you establish a more solid boundary the "free of consequences" impact her entitlement can have on you.

BG

Hey... .and remember in the midst of all this... .just because she expects something doesn't mean you "have to" do anything.

It sounds like the pets are at her place now and it sounds like a service animal follows one daughter from place to place.

Am I correct that caring for the service animal is not an issue... .?  That it is solved?

So... .if she actually has "custody" of the pets and is demanding they go somewhere else AND you can't take them... .then I would only pick them up to take them to foster or a rescue.

I would hope this is somewhere  you could be helpful, but you can let her bear the main brunt of her change of opinion on the animals.  Or she can modify her opinion.

Is that workable?

It looks like you have solid advice on breaking this news to kids... .

Pet drama periodically breaks out in my house... .in my world we have our last "in the house" dog... I can't imagine I'll ever agree to another one.

FF

Oz,

How did things pan out with the pets?  Are you keeping your head above water?  Let us know how you're doing.

WW

Hey Oz,

We're all wondering how you are doing.  Let us know the latest.

RC