BPDFamily.com

I know that those with quiet BPD don't typically lash out at their loved ones overtly.  However, lately my ex boyfriend has been escalating arguments and being verbally cruel. Nothing too abusive, more rude things like 'Even if you needed such and such, I wouldn't help you.'   I would merely respond, 'That's ok. I'm used to doing most things alone.'  He broke up with me a month ago but recently told a mutual friend that he still loves me and is also claiming I broke up with him.

I have obviously been split black but I seem even more black than before.  I know he has been looking for me at our old haunts constantly and a few times we crossed paths and thus ensued the rudeness.  I don't really understand what he wants;  he's acting so contrary.  I am still interested in keeping a connection and to me these snide comments really don't affect me;  I just see the hurt and the fear inside, but what exactly is causing it?  I feel he blames me for something.

Welcome, jii!

 

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Is your ex diagnosed? It's so frustrating when you know in your heart that you want to connect and have harmony with someone you care about, but in practice, it's not always so easy, especially with complex and sensitive personalities.

Quiet BPD's (my partner is also one) usually do internalize a lot and turn their negative feelings inwards, not always "exploding" as some other types might. This can also be destructive, because they inflict a lot of shame and misery upon themselves, and eventually do need a time and place to vent. Like a pressure cooker, the lid cannot stay on forever. Often we have no idea how much they are struggling internally, because they can hide it so well... .until they can't. It is hard to know for certain what is causing the hurt and pain he is showing you, other than BPD is a complex disorder, deeply rooted in shame, fear, and often old traumas. Anything can trigger the pain, (usually people they care about, sadly and ironically) but the "cause" is typically the disorder itself.

Why do you think he has been hanging around your old haunts? Do you think he wants to try to re-establish contact but doesn't have the skills to do it? Maybe he feels insecure and afraid you will reject his attempts to talk to you so he "rejects you" first by being rude? <-- In a weird way, this is still a from of reaching out, though not always the most effective.  :)

How long ago did you guys break up? What has he been saying when he runs into you that's snide toward you? How have you handled it?

I notice you are on the "bettering board", so would you want to reconcile the relationship if possible? (Sorry for all the questions! Take your time.)

Also have a look at the tools on the right of the board. They are really helpful when it comes to de-escalating conflict, or even avoiding it. They also teach a lot about BPD itself, and how to relate to highly sensitive people.

You came to the right place!

- BD

I would like to join Basement in welcoming you in our community!
Relationships with BPDPartners can be quite difficult, but here you can find the right guidance and support from people who have been in the same situation as you! I would also like to say to check out the tools we have on our site and ask as much questions as you can.

If I may ask, how long was the relationship? What lead to the breakup?

My exBPd would also say similar things such as “you’ll be the last person I ever help” etc. it truly hurts when someone you love deeply, and spew such words. But understanding why they are saying those things can actually take less of an effect on you. People whom have BPD feel emotions 100x more than we do and unfortunately can’t always express those feelings. Do you think your ex may feel hurt in anyway? Is there outside stress that they me dealing with?

Keep us posted!

Welcome to bpdfamily!  This is a great place to get support.  I'll look forward to hearing your answers to the great questions the others have posed.  Tell us more about your relationship.  We're glad to be here for you!

WW