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     This is the thing I most dread hearing from Carol (fake name), because it means that she's recognizing her own disordered behavior, realizes she's powerless to pull out of it but me disengaging from a conversation will make things worse.  It's usually the result of me failing or refusing to walk on eggshells, then acknowledging that my behavior hurt her (without, usually, admitting I did something objectively bad--usually something like "I'm sorry I didn't communicate how busy I was and that me not being ready to text made me seem distant to you."  Whatever she says next is almost guaranteed to render any kind of SET talk useless; what is the supportive or empathetic response to "I feel so retaliatory right now and I realize how f***ed up that is"?  A lot of times she reads empathy as pity and just freaks the absolute heck out. 

It's been coming a lot more since the incident with Laura (see my intro post, obscenely long though it was).  Monday we went to a concert. She forgot to buy earplugs, and since she's very sensitive about noise we had to stand out on the patio of the venue for a lot of the show.  She left early, I stayed (we don't live together and I rely on mass transit, so even if we'd left at the same time we'd be separating).  Since then, she's been on a negative trend, crying a lot and being that weird mix of needy and impenetrable.  Meanwhile, I've been trying to get a pro cleaner for my apartment, buy some summer clothes, have my weekly pub trivia night with friends and make it through a work week.  She hasn't tried to initiate conversation with me, but the fact that I have been too quiet for her tastes makes me "distant" and inconsiderate for not explaining that I really had nothing worth talking about aside from the cheap shorts I bought at Academy. 

I know I have some communications issues; they run in my family, and on top of that my visual disability gives me a tendency to have trouble with body language and to detach from people who aren't close enough to read their facial expressions.  But I'm getting frustrated with her need for me to anticipate everything that she might mis-read and defuse it in advance.

I’m sorry that you’re going through that. I wish I knew what to say. I’m in a relatively new relationship with a BP male. Six months to be exact. It’s draining  trying to anticipate their behaviour/moods  etc. I feel you.

Hi Spaceweasel, I have also had limited success with SET. My wife saw right through me. I found that getting her a little treat often works as a good neutral way to calm her down (I don't say I'm sorry or that I was wrong if I don't think I was). Maybe your partner has a different and unique soft point that you could access to help her get back to baseline?

~ROE

Hey... .can you expand on this.  What have you done, seen, experienced that leads you to this conclusion?

My initial reaction is there is likely a lot we can work with down this path.  Stuff that can vastly improve your life over time.

FF

Good Morning Spaceweasel,

I can certainly concur with your post, in my r/s with u/BPDw… I can immediately sense when she is “too far gone”… and as you describe; At that point, SET is indeed useless; ,


Yes, something along these lines occurred just last night with me, and u/BPDw… there is a trip coming, a lot of travel, and against my better judgement, I have agreed to go with her… I have kept my mouth shut, but I can already tell you (myself) how it will go, the “historical source data” of past trips with her; speaks for itself… at some point, along the way, she is going to lose her $hit, over something yet unforeseen, and also completely unavoidable, so there we will be, in an airport, in a hotel room, far from home base, and she is going to melt down, and there is nothing I can do, and there will be nowhere to escape to either, oh’ yes, it will be “fun”.

She has tried to hook me several times in the last twenty-four hours, ie’ last minute self-sabotage, but I did not take the bait… we leave tonight, for a week, oh’ boy.


Perplexing, and exhausting… yes it is !

Red5

So... what if you did escape?  Isn't there really "almost always" an escape route, it just depends if you want to take it.

So... .leaving a hotel room and getting another is a big step.  She wouldn't like it. Guess what... .what better way to communicate that you won't "participate" in her meltdowns.

Especially if you are very nonchalant about the entire thing.

Thoughts?

FF