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Title: 3 Years and Counting Post by: JJNY on June 19, 2018, 08:18:27 AM I am a husband, father of 9, 7 yr old girls and 5 yr old boy. I have been responsible all my life and build everything for scratch. When I had everything, life threw a curve ball and taken everything away. My journey started in 2015 when my wife and I talked about having 4th child (I was hesitant). After few months, my wife changed her mind. Very soon I learned she is having a lesbian affair and just taking off on trips. Very impulsive... .lot of Kayaking, biking. At first it triggered lot of anger, resentment. Also found a note where she had thoughts to kill me. She had similar thoughts after my second daughter was born. At that time strong enough to see help.Then found a support group for men who focus on mid life crisis. I have been grateful for this journey as I started to focus on myself and who I have become. My wife filed for divorce as her family is wealthy. We have been separated for 6 months. Even in the divorce process she is manipulative. Fired 2 attorneys, tried to fire my attorney, recuse judge from the case. Recently learned of BPD. My prior knowledge of MLT and new understanding of BPD shows my wife is in pain and looking to run away from it. I have done everything possible to keep the family together with some success and small manifestations. Looking for additional guidance to help heal my wife.
Title: Re: 3 Years and Counting Post by: wendydarling on June 19, 2018, 08:59:16 AM Hi JJNY
Welcome to you. I hope you don't mind I moved your post from son and daughter board, I thought you'd gain support from members here in similar situations to you, co-parenting and divorce who can guide and support you and your family. How's the co-parenting going? How are your children coping? WDx Title: Re: 3 Years and Counting Post by: ForeverDad on June 19, 2018, 10:26:53 AM Excerpt Looking for additional guidance to help heal my wife. I have some tough thoughts for you, though not written in stone. Some here have reported being able to work though a marriage but almost always that means a therapist is deeply involved. Is she in meaningful and progressing long term therapy? That is a key indicator of someone willing to heal or recover. You've been with your spouse for a decade yet despite all that time things got worse and you're in the midst of a divorce now. So I will posit that you thus far have been unable to help her 'heal'. Not your fault, typically the BPD behaviors are most evident with those closest to the person. And also the spouse is the last person who can fix or heal. Yes, support for her cooperation is possible, but the emotional baggage of the close relationship prevents her from listening to you. Maybe, just maybe, an emotionally neutral professional such as a therapist can hep her if she chooses to cooperate with the therapy. The fact is that divorce in court is too often cast as an adversarial process. That fits her Black or White, All or Nothing worldview. Whether or not you can ever reach her, it seems a very iffy possibility thus far, you have a new priority now... .protecting yourself and protecting the children and their futures. Sadly, that priority has to come before her interests. One of our most important handbooks is Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger. This is an essential must-read. It advises having an experienced, problem solving, proactive lawyer. Is your lawyer passively reactive or solidly proactive? |