BPDFamily.com

Hi,
For those of you working on escaping the drama triangle, what tips do you have for not letting conflict between triangle members drag you down emotionally?  After intense drama between other family members I find myself depressed and resentful.  Trying to unlearn behaviors is a true challenge.

hi Ruthnotnaomi, and *welcome*

can you tell us more about the conflict and those involved? where do you see everyone as it pertains to the triangle?

What's the intense drama and where are you in the triangle? Do you find yourself in the Peacemaker or Rescuer role?

I typically find myself in the peacemaker rescuer position.  I've really been working on this for some time and I've set some good boundaries.  A sibling usually verbally assaults my parent and even though I opt not to give advice or gossip, I do find my siblings attacks very depressing.  I'm hesitant to give lots of details here.  Sibling usually is perpetrator, parent is victim, but sibling also takes on victim role.  Trying not to rescue parent.  Stay calm and stay out has been my motto, but after their last blowout I still find myself depressed for a few days.  Wondering if I ever get to a point where I don't feel depressed after a fight I'm not even present for.

How does your sibling take on the victim role?

That's a tough one... .I was the "golden child" I guess, and my dad and siblings tended to set my BPD mom off quite a bit more often than I did. It's good that you're asserting boundaries--hopefully that will help.

ruthnotnaomi sounds like a difficult situation to be in.  My sister used to start up with our mom and really upset her.  My mom called often in tears and I would do what I could to make her feel better.  My sister picked at our mom and played victim as well.  My mom learned, on her own, to do "grey rock" before we knew what it was.  Mom passed in 2004 and my sister provoked her until the end and she couldn't.  I was not caught in the triangle as both my brother and myself saw our moms side and knew our sister was mentally ill.  (we all live in different state).  My sister now is on a mission to try and provoke me.  I took my power back and she no longer can!  I am also on great terms with our family and sister is not.  In fact, my dear brother is coming in town this week and we have much planned visiting with relatives, my kids and friends!  It has been a long path for me to finally be free but it can be done.  Radical acceptance helps.  You can not control your sibling but you cn control your reactions and feelings... .Good luck!

Hi Ruthnotnaomi.  It has been a few days since you posted and I am wondering how you are doing?  Has some of the depression lifted?

I think there will always be a degree of sadness when witnessing the family dynamics that cause such pain and chaos, even if we do not participate directly.  I also think it can get better as we work on acceptance of what is.

Are you familiar with Mindfulness (see link below.  For some reason I can't do fancy links! grrr)?  It is something that will help to center yourself and also help in accepting your family as they are.  Acceptance does not mean accepting abuse or giving up.  It is the opposite actually.  Mindfulness with help you with managing your emotions.  See what you think of the article and let us know how you are doing.  I know you are reluctant to post details of your family and that is okay.  But you can post all you want about yourself and your feelings.  After all, that is what is most important here. 

Mindfulness:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

Thank you to everyone who responded.  I appreciate the insight.  Feeling less depressed, somewhat angry but that is usually how it goes.  I've read a lot of Richard Rohr  and began practicing contemplative prayer.  I need to reengage with that practice since I found it helpful.  Will be checking back in after a few days.  Again, thank you for the helpful responses.