BPDFamily.com

Fear of abandonment is a complex idea. I thought it would be good to get everyone's take on it and the try to fashion that into an article.

My thoughts are... .

Fear of abandonment would probably be better labeled as "fear of abandonment, fear of vulnerability". Many don't lock in on this latter aspect, but it very much explains the dichotomy in the behavior. If you feel vulnerable to fire, how would you live life? Probably an all electric home, no fireplace, no candles, no BBQ, no gas cans in the garage. You would also have a fire alarm, fire extinguishers, maybe live near a fire department, buy a brick home, have a lightening rod.  You would be hyper about whether you left the stove on or a iron on. You would avoid certain venues.  If you were at a restaurant and a waiter knocked over a candle, you would likely exit the restaurant. A person with BPD over emotes and tries very hard to be loved. With that comes great vulnerability. They are playing with fire. It's a tough combination - needing to over-emote your emotions and create vulnerability and being deathly afraid of vulnerability. If a waiter knocked over a candle, they will likely exit the restaurant.

What I find interesting about it, when comparing myself and my SO, is that his fears are not conscious somehow. He’s acting on something, he does fear abandonment, but I could not pinpoint a distinct experience in his life of actual abandonment.

I, on the other hand, technically could - having lost a parent to death at an early age and the other leaving the household and later coming back, but not being so deeply engaged. I “should” have the abandonment issues. And yet, my “fear” is more in being someone who abandons than in getting abandoned. Leave me, fine. I’ll deal with it, but oh no, I can’t leave you…not easily at least, not nearly as fast as I probably should for my own self-preservation...

But for him it is visceral. Harder to be alone, hard when I am not in sight, his mind worries and then some. It’s like it’s a state he feels and then has to match to a belief as to what is happening, but can't quite locate it, so the emotional state arises, panic and worry set in, and then he desperately tries to get his needs met with no regard for anything but him relieving that suffering.

So I feel like any definition ought to take into account how conscious or unconscious one might be about this "fear".

~pearl.