|
Title: Meeting for the first time tonight- in public- prayer appreciated Post by: Jersey G on June 21, 2018, 04:57:30 PM Hey BPD Family- For those who don't know me yet, I've been separated for 4 months now, and my husband and I have been going to counseling separately. We've met in public- with another couple- to discuss finances, children, etc. Tonight is the first time we're meeting without the other couple because my therapist thinks I am ready. My goal? To not take the bait... .to stick to the facts we need to discuss... .and stay out of the FOG! We are meeting in person 2x a month for about 20 minutes while we're going thru counseling because we haven't decided to pursue divorce as of yet. I appreciate your prayers! Thank you!
Title: Re: Meeting for the first time tonight- in public- prayer appreciated Post by: pearlsw on June 21, 2018, 08:22:22 PM Hi Jersey G,
I hope this goes well for you! In terms of taking the bait, how do you manage to not do that? Do you not JADE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0)? wishing you the best, pearl. Title: Re: Meeting for the first time tonight- in public- prayer appreciated Post by: spero on June 21, 2018, 08:49:16 PM Hi Jersey G,
Hoping the best for you, it would be good to remember the points your therapist has raised while you discuss about the mentioned items. Warmly, Spero Title: Re: Meeting for the first time tonight- in public- prayer appreciated Post by: Jersey G on June 22, 2018, 07:45:35 AM Thank you, Pearl and Spero for your responses. The meeting was supposed to last around 30 min, and I made it all the way to the 29th minute and then got triggered. Ugh. I need to focus on all the bait I didn't take... .but it was frustrating nevertheless. How to not get triggered? For me, preparing ahead of time is crucial. What triggers can I anticipate? How will I respond? I actually wrote out examples of bait that I knew he'd most likely use, and then how I'd respond- or how I HOPE I'd respond! One trigger for me is hearing him say, "When we get back together... .etc." I usually respond in anger. Because I had anticipated it, when he went there last night, I was able to redirect the conversation- making it clear that there is no "we"- but without anger. The place where I got hooked was where I was taken off-guard. He said he was actually thankful that I left him because he knew he'd be in the same place had it not been for my courage. He then went on to talk about the children- who are having such a hard time given I was the one who told him to leave. It got behind my shield and I began to get teary. I then apologized- which was shifting back into my "it's all my fault" mode. Thankfully, the whole trigger lasted only a few minutes, but I pulled out my keys and called the meeting over. He immediately stood up and we said goodbye.
I'd love to hear how others have stayed UN-TRIGGERED! Thank you! Title: Re: Meeting for the first time tonight- in public- prayer appreciated Post by: pearlsw on June 22, 2018, 01:37:03 PM Hi JerseyG,
If you have some time, and the inclination, I would strongly recommend meditation. I had a pretty difficult boyfriend years back and I felt very angry with him at times for all the problems he brought into our household... .It was causing me a lot strain on my heart! I decided to control the side of the equation I could, me, and started meditating regularly. It really changed my life in many wonderful ways. It does help you slow down your reaction times and it can also make you feel a great deal of compassion. Just a thought! wishing you peace, pearl. Title: Re: Meeting for the first time tonight- in public- prayer appreciated Post by: Jersey G on June 22, 2018, 04:20:07 PM Thank you, Pearl! I actually got an email today that talked about meditating. :)
Title: Re: Meeting for the first time tonight- in public- prayer appreciated Post by: pearlsw on June 23, 2018, 01:03:34 AM Hi JerseyG,
You mention you haven't decided yet to divorce or not. I'm in a similar place in my relationship, but we are under the same roof. We have a deadline to decide to continue or not so I am very interested to hear your thoughts! What would be deciding factors for you one way or another? best wishes, pearl. Title: Re: Meeting for the first time tonight- in public- prayer appreciated Post by: Jersey G on June 24, 2018, 09:57:08 PM Pearl... .To leave or not to leave... .that is indeed the question. We needed to NOT be in the same house mainly due to the fear my daughter and I have lived in. My husband was suicidal, crying, then enraged, emotionally abusive etc. I also had an adrenal crash and due to the stress, we couldn't stay under the same roof. Given we've been married 34 years and are only 4 months into separation and counseling, I have been counseled to give it some time to see how my husband responds to therapy. We agreed to reassess after 6 months, but unless there's an all-out miracle, I don't anticipate us getting back together. Just like I knew when I couldn't take another day, I believe I will know when the time comes, what my course of action needs to be. My counselor asked me what I will need to see in order to take him back. I haven't processed it all yet, but selflessness and autonomy are big ones. My daughter and I would have to move from fear to love... .which seems like an impossible feat- unless God does another miracle. I'll give it more thought... .How about you? What are you needing to see?
|