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Good lord... .  I've been down this road before but it's happening... AGAIN... (heavy sigh)  BPD mom likes to damage (cut, slash or stab holes into) my SS's clothing.   He is 13 now but it started when he was in 1st grade.  I'll not bore you with details but needless to say it hasn't happened for a long time until now.   The rule in our house is NOTHING (clothes from our house) is worn or brought back their mom's.  What they show up in from her house, is what they wear back, right down to the socks and undies.    I had to establish that rule very early on when they were smaller and although they don't know exactly WHY this rule exists, they just do it.   I usually put their things in their rooms (laundered) and available for them to wear back. 

So the other visit, I was not feeling well and didn't do any laundry.  It was time for them to go back to their mom's.  I'm always at the door to give my hugs goodbye when their dad drives them back.  I happened to notice the t-shirt my SS was going home in.  It was one he hadn't worn for a long time, I even forgot we had it.  Quite a nice one-with some embroidered logo on the front.  Only about a year or two old and stuff here is in really good shape since we only have them every second weekend.  Anyways... .off they went.

The t-shirt didn't return with him for a couple of visits, but I realize I have to learn to let this stuff go now.  I do want them to govern their own things.  My SD15 is doing a good job of that, with her, I do let her take stuff from here to her mom's and she brings or wears it back or in her backpack.  I haven't made any sort of official 'change of rule' announcement... .I just want it to be a natural transition.  For some reason mumsy dearest rarely, if ever, has touched my stepdaughter's things, but only stepson's clothing.   

This last arrival (for a 2 week visit for summer break) SS was wearing the t-shirt.  I thought to myself, "Yay". 

Then I was doing the laundry.

There are 6 tiny holes in and around the chest area plus the embroidery from the logo (it's quite a large "PUMA" is all thrashed.  All the thread is in tiny shredded bits like a razor or something was rubbed through it. 
SS has another t-shirt like this one and it's in perfect condition.

I just froze.  Now for some, this may not be a big deal.  For me, it's like receiving the 'dead bunny' on my doorstep.  For those who need to reference this term:  it's from the movie  "Fatal Attraction" with Glenn Close. For those that understand this, yep, it's always a joyous occasion for me to receive my SS clothes that are full of holes or cut with big gashes... .That's what mumsy used to do when he was in 1st grade - every visit his stuff had some sort of damage, either pants or shirts or both and I mean VISIBLY damaged.

So my question is:  do I do nothing?  I never say anything to SS of course or will put him in the middle.  What is really interesting, is usually once if ever I do let anything out the door which is rare, I know to not expect to see it again. Especially nice things or things that the kid really likes.  Once we bought him a nice hoodie that he picked out himself on a vaca and let him go home to mumsy in it.  Well, that was never seen again.  That was a few years ago.  I will offer them to take coats in the winter and make sure they have at least something warm as their mom can't seem to manage buying them outerwear.  Or if they don't have boots or runners, I'm flexible but most things we buy them stay here and that's in the parental agreement that both houses are responsible for their things separately and not shared.

The issue with their mother is that she spends NOTHING on those kids.  She gets a very generous child support.  For years, (10) since I've been with them, I've only seen the first few years with her getting them the odd new thing. Then the second hand clothing started to arrive with other people's names written in their coats.  Suddenly now, though, she seems to be buying the odd new coat but that's only if she wants or sees that there is some sort of competition going on or that I'm watching... .long story... .unless you're familiar with the witch or queen mother personality of BPD.

So back to present.  Lately she's been quiet, no contact from her except suddenly this with the t-shirt. 

I took someone's advice about buying my step daughter some clothes.  I stopped expecting her to show up with anything from her mom's for the summer.  So this visit I whisked her out and we went shopping for a few new things.  I will let her govern them and she's free to take them and wear them at her mom's simply because that's what I have to do and not make it an issue.  With SS, it's different for some reason.   Probably because she can get away with it and she knows I won't say anything but I'm sure she's sitting back and smiling wondering if I've noticed her lovely work on the t-shirt.  It's so sick, I know.  I just needed to share this stuff!

And at the end of the day, it's a stupid t-shirt.  I know there are a lot worse things out there and I feel stupid just posting. But I also don't underestimate the emotional and mental abuse a BPD can inflict on others.  If I hadn't have gone through the early years with this, I probably wouldn't think much of it, but I honestly know she does this to get at me and I don't want it to, but it really pisses me off and disturbs me how much she has not changed (of course I don't expect that!) but never ceases to surprise me in that way either. 

Well, thanks for reading.  I just wanted to know what you would do.  I did talk to my husband (kid's dad) and showed him and said, "she's doing it again" and he isn't happy about it but he also isn't going to say anything or show a reaction or whatever the hell the kids' BPD mother wants.  When she used to cut holes into his clothes when he was about 5 or 6 years old, we did finally shoot off an email with a What the heck is going on here, when she just would not stop,  and of course she played dumb, did not admit and did not answer to it in subsequent letters we mentioned this behaviour to the lawyers in other recap events.  She stayed silent and never denied any of it and it stopped after about six months.  That was early on.  She just played dumb and said she'd try to get to the bottom of it, perhaps it was scissors in his desk at school or she would get him some fabric and help him learn to cut and of course blamed the kid... .this is all stressing me out remembering this... but I wanted to give you an idea of her history.

Thanks again for anything you might care to share or offer with this.  I know that others may have remembered this from other posts I've made in the past...

cheers,
Klera

 






   

He's 13 now, getting close to the age when boys notice girls (I was 14... .) and have increased awareness of how they're dressed.  If he's oblivious now or ignoring it, it will soon become an issue for him... .  Time for Dad to discuss with him how to protect his clothing?  Somehow his older sibling manages to safeguard her clothes, how?  Is it SD15's greater attention to safeguard her clothes?  Does their mother wash only SS13's clothes?  Or does their mother have greater focus on SS13, some pwBPD can treat their children differently by gender?

It sounds like ex is trying to engage with you. Used to be said all the time on this site, "Negative engagement is still engagement".
My ex used to keep all the good clothes and give me all the torn, too small, etc clothes when I was picking the boys up from her place. I made sure they returned to her with the clothes they had. I thought I had it solved until I noticed our youngest ( S6 ) had no underwear. I realized ex was not giving him underwear ? I talked to him about wearing underwear all the time when he got dressed. He is 15 now and we don't have clothes problems anymore.
I never communicated with ex about any of it. I used to think she liked trying to upset me with her antics but later came to the conclusion that something was bothering her and she was trying to project it onto me in some twisted way. Or maybe I was safe to vent to.
Whenever my ex does something I consider nuts I now think something is bothering her and I am the only outlet. We only communicate through email so I simply ignore them.
Our summer schedule is week on/week off. Ex was supposed to pick our youngest up today at 10 am. S15 texted her at 10:40 am asking when she was coming. She texted back that she was running late and would be leaving in a few minutes. Around 45 minutes later she texted saying she would be there around 9 pm.  She said it was his fault because she called around 11 am and he did not answer his phone ? I listened to him vent because  "mom does this kind of stuff all the time and it never makes any sense". My guess is she forgot what day it was and she works from noon until 8 pm.

Yes, for some reason she's always has focused on the boy, has always used him like a weapon in one way or another whether it's a school related issue, his activities or items belonging to him like clothes and not the girl who's left alone and practically ignored.  I have no clue about who does laundry over there, I'm assuming it's just her, if she does it at all (she's had a history of not washing their clothes and the kid's hygiene has been iffy at the best of times).   She can't get away with messing with SD15's things as she does with SS13's. The girl is older and more mature and she governs her own things well (in a backpack).    He didn't appear to notice his shirt was damaged (this recent incident), it's not that noticeable at a distance unless you know what to look for but it's enough that she knows that I would notice it.   His dad isn't all that concerned about the actual shirt, but he is with how this upsets me.  He's not going to bring it up simply because it's attention and a reaction that she wants. 

 I'm not sure the trigger only that she appears to be jealous or threatened by anything showing up at her house from ours of decent quality or that we are paying him attention to his needs or a couple of wants of his.   She hasn't been paying much attention to him to the point of neglect, more than usual and lately she doesn't provide him with bus fare if she makes him take the bus anywhere.  She is distracted by someone or something and her attention is definitely not on the kids needs, only hers, the narcissist that she is.   

For David:  It might be worth a thought that you may want to do the pick ups and drops offs so that you are in control of punctuality?  It worked for us, the ex was never able to be on time, nor did she care to be.  It was  another thing that she liked to mess with.    I have no idea what it is about the clothes! But I can relate.  I suppose it's just another button to push with us hoping we'd get upset or get our attention with it or they simply have no ability to care therefore they don't think to provide the normal things like underwear... .I know there are triggers for their behaviour/antics.  Yes, she was trying to engage with me but I'm not giving her what she wants... .a reaction or attention from it. 

Thanks for the responses!

Thought about dropping off and picking up. Instead I decided to ignore what she was doing. If I had something to do I would simply do it. That also meant taking our son with me. If ex showed up and we were not there, oh well. Our youngest is 15 now so it is not as big a deal as it was ten years ago.