BPDFamily.com

I went through the idealization stage with a girl, that a friend later noted is almost certainly BPD. She has been married three times and has a history of relationships that end suddenly. Even her Mom said she always has someone in the background. By the 3rd month she was talking about marriage and posting on FB how many babies we would have. Her and her son were going to come down for spring break. It was a long distance relationship. Several days before she was not available at night, which never happened before. Then she was not coming down, then she decided to still come. During our vacation she would post pictures of her and her kid, but not me and a week before she took off her fb profile pic that was us. After vacation I was suppose to fly to her state, but she did not want me to go, but would not tell me why. To make a long story short after she left, I found out she had started dating someone she knew on FB in her state.

I tried to get her back for three weeks and she just said it was over. I ended up traveling over 1000 miles and knocking on her door. She let me in and we talked for three hours and kissed. I told her how much I loved her and how I wished I had just flown there a month ago when she asked me to come up and marry her. I asked her to think about it and left. I did not contact her and then three days after I left she txt me. She wanted to come down and talk and next thing I know she wanted to know where we would get married.

So I flew her down and we got engaged and started planning our life. At this point we are four months in since we met. She dumped the guy and started posting our pics on FB and that we were engaged.

We had decided back in January to spend summer vacation at a lake house I have in another state. We also decided we would look at houses in her state and buy one before school started. Well Memorial Day weekend I met her parents and we looked at houses. We saw a reasonable one she called her dream house. Her and her mom wanted me to make an offer that day, but I went through some internal challenges as I had never spent time in this state and was nervous about getting married, etc. I love her, but like an idiot was hesitating and I'm sure she saw it. We packed up the last of her stuff and got rid of her apartment. We then took the uhaul Tuesday morning and dropped off her remaining furniture in storage and left for my Lake house 800 miles away. That afternoon her ex-husband and wife started txting her that she was in big trouble and we can't take the kid and they know we are moving out if state, which we were not. At any rate the txt were pretty nasty and my fiance is really getting stressed. Even though I own two houses, she said she felt so homeless. I should have just made an offer on the house she wanted in her state and turned the truck around, but we kept going and she was so stressed. She started txting someone and was hiding her phone from me. We got to my lake house Thursday afternoon and that night all she was doing was txting someone.

She came up to bed around 1 AM and I asked her what was wrong. She said she was unsure of everything and she felt like I was smothering  her. I made a comment about her hiding her phone and she just denied it. She would not let me hug her and we went to sleep. We had transferred her phone on to my account and when I got up in the morning, for the first time I looked and there was one number she was txting to constantly the last two days. I called it and it was the guy she had cheated on me with in March. I went upstairs and did not handle it well sadly. I ended up saying - if you want him, go to him. Well she got a uhaul trailer, packed up and left that day! She had no more apartment and ended up going back to her state and moving her and her son in with this guy.

I think it's obvious, when I hesitated she felt abondonment and since I was not solving the issue with needing a home in her state fast enough, contacted this guy.

While some will call me crazy, I love this girl more than anything and wish I did not hesitate. I now have a contract on the house she called her dream house and plan to move there next week.

The key question is how do I get her back now, that she is living with this other guy. It's a real mess as her ex husband sent a letter to her lawyer depending custody of the kid due to her unstability. I don't know if that will make her less likely to move, but at least it's just ten miles. What's the best way to get her back? Do I love bomb her like last time? Please keep any comments on target, I do want to get her back, as I don't blame her for reacting to my hesitation.

Hello Influx,

I want you to re-read what you wrote.  This is what life is like with someone who has untreated BPD.  You will have a marriage filled with moments and times like this.  It seems like intense and insane love and it seems like it will fade once you get settled with one another, but it will always be this way until the intensity fades to nothing for her and she will move on... .to the next intense relationship.  She isn't a bad person but she will never be with just you.  She will always wander because this time it was about you hesitating over a house (which you need to think about... .please don't make huge decisions like that to please her... .be sure it is right).  Next time it might be anything else and she will run.  This is not about YOU.  You did nothing wrong by hesitating. You are being rational.  I know you may not be ready to hear this but the feelings you feel are powerful but they will not last and she may take more and more from you until you feel used at the end and she moves on to the next Joe.  Please don't over extend yourself.  Re-read your words below and know that she has a LOT of baggage and you cannot save her from herself.  You cannot be her hero.  She needs to fix her stuff on her own and come to be with you as a whole person, not a partial person or broken person.  She is not your project to fix.  You deserve someone as thoughtful and giving as you are to her.  I know, because I did this for my ex.  She always had some drama she needed help with, some crisis.  I thought I was her hero.  I got myself into debt for her because I wanted to give her the stability I thought she wanted.  She didn't want stability, she wanted attention.  Once she got everything she wanted from me.  She left me and hasn't looked back.  You didn't deserve for her to start talking to other people on her cell phone minutes after you hesitated.  What kind of loyalty is that?  You two were planning a future!  Please slow down, take a breath and think about how this will play out.


Good Luck! Sending prayers and good vibes for your future

Well maybe it is too late this time. She just posted that he is her fiance now. That was less than four weeks after she left my lake house.

I don't know if this is due to her ex husbands lawyer saying hand over custody or we are going to court, because you are unstable, or soemthing else, but I can't believe she is engaged already. Don't know if I can ever get her back now... .

All I can say to start with is “ thank god you dodged that bullet”! I know you love this woman however the red flags are all over the place! Can you imagine an entire life of these ups and downs , the idiolize,devalue,discard phases over and over again until she eventually leaves for good? That this already seemed to have happened ? The finiancial and emotional investment you already put forth for nothing?

I know it isn’t what you want to hear but could you imagine bringing a child into this world with someone so unstable? Her past says it all and her actions even more in the present .Remember it’s not what they say it’s what they do that shows you what you are dealing with here.If you read the endless stories on this site including mine we were all exactly where you are right now that feeling of what the heck ? Just happened? I thought she loved me? I’m madly in love with her how can she do this? Did she lie to me this whole time ? How can she be with someone else so fast did I mean something to her? My friend welcome to BPD one of the hardest complex b disorders to deal with out of all of them. As you read this and the many answers coming just remember one thing (THIS ISNT YOUR FAULT & YOU WERE NOT PUT IN HER LIFE TO SAVE HER)! Always remember that ,you didn’t cause this and you will not save her with extra love or hard work.The only person that can save your love is herself and only if SHE acknowledges it,accepts it,seeks treatment and sticks with it .(changes are slim to none ).

Please do yourself the biggest favor possible and read the stories on here,on the net,YouTube videos ,forums etc before trying to get her back.It will take time but you will understand what you are dealing with inside your heart and mind is normal but what she is ,is far from normal or easy.Please keep posting on here it will help

Thank you for your kind words. They are appreciated.

I still have the the question though, is there a way to get her back now? What seems to work best?

Hi influx,

Trying to get someone back who is living with someone else is a pretty tall order, and there is no magical formula for that, illness or not. I understand that you love her, but your instincts didn't seem so far off when this started . I know we can all get pretty excited when we meet a person we seem to click with, I've certainly gotten excited, but still, relationships take time and if you rush them problems can emerge that the relationship isn't strong enough to handle.

She had options. She had you or the other guy to choose from. You hesitated, I would imagine, because buying a house for someone in another state only 4 mo's in is a pretty big deal. It sounds like housing was more of an issue for her than who she loved. Sounds like she solved the housing part of the equation and which guy did not necessarily matter. Is that off base?

Let's run out your scenario here. You try to "love bomb" her as you suggest. What does that entail? Big ticket gift items? A house for her? (pretty big investment) You serenading here in her front yard? What do you have in mind exactly? Okay, so you do all that, and then she has two choices:  you or not.

Additional factors: How do you think the other guy might react? Violently? I mean what are you thinking on that front? Will she tell him you contacted her? How well does he handle things when someone tries to get his girlfriend, that he loves, to leave him? Do you assume they are unhappy and you can break up two other people? Why would you try to break up two other people who are living together and giving it a go instead of try to meet a new person yourself? Which do you think is the best investment of your time and energy?

Perhaps you can just let her know that if anything changes for her she is welcome to contact you and see where you are at in your life? That you love her very much, sorry things didn't work out, but are open to trying again in the future if fate allows. That seems like the least damaging option to all parties from where I sit.

wishing you the best, pearl.

Although I’m not doing you any favors by answering your question on how to get her back ,here is your answer:

1st step: send her a letter or note about how much you love her and care for her ,and you don’t have any blaming or finger pointing or mention of how upset you are she left,wish her well

2nd step: about a month later depending how long it’s already been with her gone , send her a I miss you ,this house I bought us is money without you and your son.Id love to have you back in my life etc etc ( no blaming no finger pointing ).

My best opinion ,once she ruins the present relationship she’s in (and she will)  you will be seen as a fall back plan b option because you remained visible and in her view spectrum.Once she comes back and starts the cycle over again (and she will). Just rinse and repeat the next time she leaves you .Good luck

Pearlsw you are right about the housing being such a big factor. We made a decision to give up her apartment at the end of May. We were going to stay at my lake house until we purchased a home. The Ex threating legal action unless we brought the son right back, really stressed her out. Then when I hesitated on solving the housing issue in her state, she solved it, via this guy. I really should have jumped, because that's what I told her I would do, but I can't go back in time and fix it. She then quickly devalued me.

I just can't believe she is already engaged to this guy. She dumped him in three weeks the last time, after I told her I would marry her.

He probably thought the same thing when she became engaged to you.

It could be that she ran back to him because she felt smothered, like she told you. And not the problem with the house.

People who have BPD tend to have no boundaries, and while we often focus on what it's like to experience their lack of boundaries, it is no picnic for them, either. She is on an emotional roller coaster that she can't get off, and the last thing she needs is for someone to get on it with her, even if that's what she believes she needs.

So on one hand you try to give her everything she needs, and at the same time it stifles her -- how can she develop a sense of competence if someone is always getting her out of a jam? How can she respect someone who doesn't provide the structure she needs so she makes better choices? Whether she can articulate this or not, this is primal stuff. She wants to be capable and competent and she can't do that if you're giving in to her every whim.

The problem is that when you compassionately assert your boundaries, she may bounce out of the relationship and find someone who will soothe her in that moment.

You have to be ok with being in a relationship where this happens. No judgment here. It's not something I could endure, but there are people who do, and will. You sound like someone who may have a higher tolerance for it than others, but if that's so, you have to practice radical acceptance that she will run into someone else's arms if she is not getting a need met.

You have to have good boundaries and not chase her, otherwise you fuel her fears that you will consume what shaky sense of self she may have, if she has any at all.

Be strong, be secure. "I'm living in the house, doing great. Started some projects I'm excited about and putting down roots here. You're a special person to me and I truly do wish you well."

Then stop communicating with her. Let her come to you, if she will.

And when she does, don't smother her. Don't pressure her to make choices or explain what happened or pick up and move somewhere else. Don't help her with the custody battle or anything that is in her lane.

Spend time here learning about the specific communication and relationship skills that are essential in a BPD relationship before you even talk about marriage.

Don't be a doormat. It makes you come across as weak, and she won't find that attractive.

Hi influx,

livednlearned taught us a lot here! This is so insightful/helpful. What do you think of this? How do you feel about this?

with compassion, pearl.

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Thank you Pearl and live and learn. A question. It would seem if I ever want her to come back, I have to close on the house and be there. If I don't close the house I see two issues. One I'd be 1000 miles away and she would have no where to go, if she decides to leave him. Second, after she eft she told me I don't listen to her and how can she know if Ill do what I say. She said you came out here in April and made me promises and look where we are now. How can I know you will do what you say. I shoukd not have to break up with you for you to listen to me and take action.

Thus I feel like to not close on the house, means it's over forever. Thoughts?

Another question Livenlearn. The first time she broke up with me, I chased her, that's how I got her back. It would appear you think this time its diffetent?

I've unfortunately been chasing all month since she left. Txt and email. When I left a long voice mail two days ago that's when she posted the pic with the guy. I may have done alot of damage already.

I wonder if she will really marry him... .

Some people with BPD have a fear of abandonment AND a fear of engulfment. You mentioned she felt smothered, so that suggests she may have both.

She seemed to exit the relationship when the house closing was imminent. Am I getting that right? Do you think (knowing that she might have problems with engulfment) that it was the realization of her hope for stability that triggered her to bounce?

It's hard to say what she will or won't do. The closing on the house sounds like a big commitment for you. I would answer the question: Can I make a life for myself here in this house if she isn't going to be here with me?

You mention that if you ever want her to come back, you have to close on the house and be there. I wouldn't be so certain of that. Putting down roots might actually be what scares her, even tho she says it will solve things for her (because her instability is internal). Her ex husband is filing a motion to modify custody based on her instability. As much as she doesn't want to be unstable (e.g. buy me a house), it might actually be preferable to being stable (e.g. I will feel controlled and smothered).

Do you feel comfortable describing how you chased her last time? What was going on in her life when she came back to you?

Right now is probably a good time to cool it on the emails. Just until you get your feet back under you. Like you said, lots of emails from you and then boom, she's engaged to the guy.

As far as the house she wanted me to make an offer when we looked at it Memorial Day weekend. Her and her mom were like call the realtor and just ask your questions and go for it. She said it was her dream house. I had excuses and dragged me feet. She left before before I made an offer and kept saying she felt homeless. It was obvious one of the reasons she went to the other guy was that he had a house within 150 miles of the Ex husband as required. While she was driving back she was txting me. I told her we should make the offer the house would be good for us. She said I had tried to tell you that. She was right, she often is
 So now she did not run due getting the house, it was the opposite. I finally made an offer a week ago, as I felt for her go come back, she needs a home to go to. Financially she can't make it on her own.

As far as when she came back last time she had her own apartment that her parents were helping her pay for she was dating this guy only for about 3 weeks I was texting her and emailing her mainly texting her and she kept saying it was over we're done it's over so finally after 3 weeks of that I got on a plane I had never been to where she lived before flu then I drove 3 hours and knocked on her door we talked for 3 hours I told her how much I missed her how much I loved her and that when she had told me in March or ask me why I didn't just fly there and marry her then I told her I wish I had and I would definitely marry her and take care of her so I asked her if she would come back she said she would think about it I went home and then three days later she text me and came back pretty much immediately after that wanting to know where we were going to get married chasing her the last time I feel like she needed a commitment like she really wants a husband and someone to help her out.

It seems like chasing her this time is having a different effect though so I'm not sure why it's different now but seems to be and I still wonder will she actually go through and marry this guy I'm pretty sure she doesn't love him but she's got a house where she needs to be because of the Sun and probably some stability and I think she actually at least right now wants the stability and I was hesitating on giving her it and she really needed it

Let's just zoom out a bit.

There's the issue of why she bounced.


So good chance that her instability is internal. It isn't about housing.


She has an escape hatch no matter what. Housing or no.


Again, not connected to housing?


Did having a house in her state factor into her agreement to get married?


So maybe she sensed your cold feet, and not just hesitating on the house? Was there talk about slowing down the wedding?


Not sounding like having a house is the problem here.


That probably didn't feel good  


Any thoughts on why she would say she felt smothered?


Pretty impulsive! She felt some hesitation (rejection, abandonment), said it was from being smothered (from... .?) and then picked up with the other guy who was there before you? Who was with her first?


Having a relationship with a back-up relationship is probably how she manages her internal instability, and it sounds like the pattern predates you.

It also sounds like some of this is connected to the ex husband and her kid. It's pretty stressful to deal with custody issues. Usually custody issues focus on patterns of behavior, not an isolated incident. You have to show evidence that the pattern is ongoing (I say this from experience :) )


She might not want to move if her instability is an issue for now.

Would you be willing to let the house go (it doesn't seem to be the main issue... .) and send her one last, brief positive note that you're in the area, doing well, getting things done, wish her well?

You would be her back-up guy. Is that ok for you?

 so I was there first we started dating New Year's by February she was talking about marriage and having a baby then in March just before spring break when her and her son were coming down she disappeared for a couple nights obviously started dating this guy it was right before she disappeared that she took down the profile picture of her and I and then on the trip is when she didn't have me in any of the pictures in hindsight that was because he was a friend of hers on Facebook then she went back to her State saying it was over as I mentioned before I flew out there three weeks later told her how I felt about her that I would marry her and at the time I said if she wanted to live in her State we would your house and her state then three days later she text me and she jumped right back in

As far as be there for her how can I be there for her if I don't close on the house I currently live a thousand miles away from her so unless I get the house I won't be there if Things Fall Apart with this guy therein lies the challenge

As far as why she said she felt smothered it's because that by Thursday the last day of our trip to my lake house that afternoon and evening she was texting somebody constantly and it was a couple times I kind of looked over her shoulder and she was hiding her phone and then she was in the son's bedroom for a couple hours at night and I walked in one time to see what was going on and he was half asleep and she was texting and I think when she referred to being smothered she was referring to that I was sort of interfering with her ability to text and of course who it turned out she was texting with that day as I found out the next morning was the guy that she dated in March and part of April and the guy that she's living with now keep in mind she felt me pull away she felt abandoned so she did what a BPD supposedly does and she start looking for someone else and of course she found a guy who was willing to let her move into his house and suddenly she had a home where she needed to as far as the issues with the ex-husband so she solve that problem of course she created a new problem because then the ex-husband is now claiming this is proof that she is unstable so as you said she may be reluctant to move yet again because of this hanging over her head

Back to the house which is a very big question since I live a thousand miles away if I don't buy this house how can I be there for her if she decides she wants to come back or if she decides she needs a plan B whatever the case may be if I'm a thousand miles away she won't have a place to go and if she has nowhere to go she can't leave him if she wants to or it makes it very challenging so that's why I'm trying to wrestle with this decision about closing on the house any thoughts are appreciated

It sure seems like a big gamble! It would be for me.

On one hand, you mention that she needs to appear stable (stay with one guy) while she goes through this custody stuff. I've been through a custody motion that lasted the better part of a year.

Do you think you can be ok living in the house if she isn't?

That's the question I would seek to answer first.

Another thought, probably more to the point.

If a guy I broke up with moved to my state and bought a house we planned to buy together, it would not make me respect him. I would feel invalidated because a) we are not together; and b) it says he is desperate.

Desperation is not cool  *)

You want her back, and that's understandable. Being cool is going to win the day, not desperation.

Does buying the house feel desperate?

What would the cool Influx do  :)

I think with regular women, nons, you have to be cool but with BP tees I think there may be some difference as an example was flying A Thousand Miles and driving 3 hours and knocking on her door cool probably not a cool move yet somehow that worked and I guess my concern is if I don't buy the house and I'm a thousand miles away when she decides it's time to leave the current situation how does she get out if there's no place to go with that said I certainly see your point but and balance it makes it difficult

Fair point.

The question tho remains whether you are ok with her not living there, in case it happens.

Say you buy the house, move there. Then what?

And if she does live there with you, are you ok with her having a back-up guy? This is a three-person thing that's going on here, so one of you two guys is always going to be the third person... .

You have to have eyes wide open that she evens out her moods with back-up relationships and some rash decisions.

I'm not saying don't try. I'm suggesting you play it cool for now. Buying a house is a big deal for most people. Maybe you are in a position where you can pick up and move and start a new career without worrying too much about being employed?

It's a lot to do for something that seems on hiatus for the moment. Last time, she didn't have this custody thing going on.

I'm fortunate. I can work from anyplace that has Internet and access to an airport.

I agree that the custody issue and it's timing is bad right now. Even if he does not file, he has her attention as far as moving goes. Thus her comment to me this week that "she is never moving again." Not a realistic statement, but shows were her mind is at.

Of course, I guess there is a chance he could do what I did and have second thoughts, which would cause her to run, as we know. Or, they could just have a big fight over who knows what.

This is not easy for me, I can't seem to just walk away, but that's apparently common with BPD relationships.

It takes a lot of emotional strength to be in a BPD relationship.

This would be a good time to learn about yourself, how your emotions work. Like a lot of us, you probably have certain protest behaviors that are triggered when someone pulls away. It's good to know what flips your switch so you can rein it in when you're with her. She will want things that she then resents getting, so you'll need to know what it means to stay grounded when she's moving between impulses.

A great book that helped me a lot was Attached by Dr Amar Levine.

There are specific skills that are not intuitive and must be learned when you're in a BPD relationship.

Appeasing someone with BPD is not one of them  *)

How would it feel to live in her state, in that house, if she doesn't come live with you?

Dear Influx-
I'm sorry that you're going through such a confusing time.  And no, nothing about this situation is easy.  Maybe take a step back for a moment and look at this story as if your best friend were telling you what is happening to HIM with a girl he met in January.   Your best friend asks for your advice... .What would you advise?  Keep in mind, your best friend loves this girl.  As deeply as a person can love someone he has known since January; and this girl has been married 3 times and has stepped out on him. 

When someone SHOWS us who they are, we need to believe them.  Your girl has not just told you, she has SHOWN you.  So as Livednlearned has so wisely stated (and implied) if and when this girl comes back to you, it does not appear there will ever be ONLY two of you in this relationship.  Her mother pretty much stated this as well.  So this is something you'll need to accept as part of your future.  And who knows who these other men will be?  But chances are pretty high that they will have contact with any future children you have.  Something to consider. 

Livednlearned laid things out so clearly about how a lot of this doesn't seem to have much to do with the house purchase.   Your gf's parents helped with her housing costs before, so is there any reason to believe they would not step in again if needed?  And again, simply from a practical standpoint, you met 6 months ago.  As much as most of us on this forum have turned ourselves and our lives inside out trying to "save" and "fix" our BPD loves, we are helpless when they are unwilling to accept any ownership or responsibility for their heartbreaking behavior.  Forgiveness has to go a long way.

Finally, as far as instability and child custody goes, yea housing is one thing.  But isn't the fact that she has had two fiancés in two months a pretty strong indicator of some type of instability?  Especially considering she has met both of these men within the last six months?  If her ex-husband truly wants custody, his chances are looking pretty solid.  How old is her son?

She knows you love her, with or without the purchase of the home at this time.   Your decision to purchase the home should be independent of her... .what do YOU want?  If you can truly be happy in the home in the new state without her, then purchase it.  Be certain to get out and make friends and really establish a life for yourself and don't become isolated!  No matter where you are, if she knows you are moving on with your life and not "waiting for her" that makes you more appealing to PwBPD.  None of us can ever guess if or when a pwBPD will ever come back.  Their definition and feelings of love are pretty different than how "nons" feel and identity love.  Wishing you the best, and again, I am really sorry... .

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Live and learn you're right about the impulses she kept saying she wanted to live in the state my lake houses in and then the weekend before Memorial Day we went there and she decided she hated it so that's why Memorial Day weekend we were looking at houses in Iowa and when I got her back in April I promised her we could live there if that's where she wanted to be in hindsight you are correct I should have realized that the vocalize desire to live in the other state was probably not realistic and understanding that sooner would have saved a lot of Heartach.

Gemsforeyes thank you for your comments and suggestions really appreciated the boy just turned 10 this past week and I think you're right she has certainly given the X some ammunition in regards to unstan bility with being engaged twice basically within 4 weeks to two different people not sure what she's thinking at this point appreciate your comments on the house really do have to give this a lot of thought over the next couple of days.

The last time we broke up taking action strong action seem to bring her back but it sounds like you think this time it's going to be different I'm not sure why but it also seems different this time and I don't know if it's because she's living with the guy or if there's some other thing and play Maybe It's the custody issue I don't know.

Dear Influx-

I want to add... .don't underestimate your own intuition.  There was something inside of you that gave you reason to push your "pause button" on the house purchase, whether that was fear, or lack of trust in the relationship.  But it was real.  There is NOTHING that says you cannot return to your lake home, relax and work there, build some friendships for awhile and collect your thoughts. 

If she comes back, is there any reason you could not rent a nice place for awhile to see how things go with her?  Perhaps you could phrase it that you want to learn the area before buying permanently.  Unless of course you already know you love the area and DO want to live there regardless of whether you're together or not.

On the other hand, and I know this is painful and I am so sorry... .perhaps in a bit of time, when you decide what to do or where to go you can drop her a note and ask her to get in touch if and when she'd like to.  If she's truly engaged and going to marry the guy, then the healthy thing for you is to wish her happiness and respect that relationship, as difficult as that may be. 

I know this goes without saying, but I feel compelled to say it.  We have too many cases of friends here being caught off-guard... .if you do happen to reunite, even for one night, please use birth control until you are SURE she has stabilized.  If she feels any insecurity about losing custody of her son, she may be in a rush to have another child.  The last thing you want is to miss out on the birth of and raising of your child because she flees again.  I say this from a very caring place.

Please continue to post and share as much as you wish.  Together we can work through attempting to reconnect or the healing process with you - whichever way the tide turns.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

So I have still been struggling with this. On the one hand, from a logical perspective it makes no sense to buy the house. However if she comes back, it would most likely happen quickly and suddenly, that's how it works with BPD and def with her, when she makes a change. If I have the house it makes it a smooth transition and I know she loves the house. If I have to find and get an apartment, it will take a little time and not be as nice for her as a house would be.

The issue is she is already engaged and seemingly happy. She is in a house now in her state and that is something I should have known to give her more quickly, that stability. 

She had said a week ago she was going to block me and i would never hear from her again. I txt her today, first about the puppies I had bought for us and her son, to see if she wanted one for her son. She responded and said he would love her, but she did not think it was a good idea. I then asked her about the house and if she was happy. She said she was happy and not to buy the house. Of course she may be happy today, but what about a few weeks from now... .I guess time will tell. I also don't know when she plans to get married, but with the potential court issue, my guess she will push him to this month. So unless he gets cold feet, they will be married soon.

I told her I was happy she was happy. I still want her back though. I see my mistakes clearly, but don't know what else I could possibly do? Love bombing worked in April, but don't Know what will work this tine?

Dear Influx-
It may be time to stand still for a moment.  Even if you had made the offer on Memorial Day weekend, that house purchase would not have closed that day.  There is no guarantee she would have stayed through the closing process.  No guarantee at all.  Home purchases are stressful.  And there you may have been... .owning her "dream house" without her in it.  That was a real possibility.

For people involved with BPDs like her, there are no "smooth" transitions.  I would imagine that the guy she's engaged to now wonders each day what his tomorrow will look like.  I can imagine that her ex-husband, the father of her son, must really hold concern for the welfare of his son and the instability she brings to that 10-year old boy's life.  There is a chance that each of these men are caring, loving men just like you - each just wanting to be the one to "save" her and "fix" her, when in reality, none of you can.  Not to minimize what you brought to her, but how this seems to work, is that we temporarily fill some void in the BPD.  They have this emptiness, this missing sense of self.  And no one can seem to fill it for very long.

And as sad and hurtful as it is, even if she leaves the man she is engaged to now, it may be some other Guy she runs to next.  It's anyone's guess what she'll do next.  She doesn't know.  And until she does something to change her own behavior or heal herself, this destructive behavior will continue.  BPDs don't generally have the empathy gene.  It doesn't matter to her who SHE hurts in the process.  You need to understand this sad fact.

It would be good for you to go back and re-read what Livednlearned wrote.  She truly understands a TON about this disorder.

None of us wants to cause you any more pain or confusion than you're already feeling.  But Influx, the life you live needs to be yours.  If she chooses to join you at some point that would be nice, but living in a holding pattern is unhealthy and unfair to you.  And she has told you as much.

Out of curiosity, when did you get the puppies?

Please take care, and keep in touch with us, your friends and family.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

I got the puppies Mid-May, we had been looking online since March and she picked them out. I picked them up on the way up to the lake house and she got to meet them a few days later, when she got here. She loved the puppies. I never would have gotten two without her and her son around... .oh well.

I decided to pass on the house, mostly because she is engaged now, but I still have second thoughts about it. I do think it would have increased the odds of her coming back. However, if she marries this guy soon,

It's interesting you used the words "no one knows what she will do next." The one time I messaged the other guy was back in early April. I said "she may be with you tonight, but she was with me all last week, what will she do next?" He never responded, but we sure have seen what she did next.

If someone had said where I would be now, six months ago, I never would have believed it. I do still believe if I had not hesitated, she would still be around, but for how long, who knows.

Does anyone know a good phone counselor for BPD partners?

Hey Influx,

That's a pretty tough question since we are from all over the world here. Have you tried doing an online search in your area? Or looked for counseling online?

take care, pearl.