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I don't know how anyone manages in this life.  The reason I stay is for my mom.  I made a mistake being with this girl. I've ruined so many chances with anyoen I hate myself.  I wanna leave.

Please let me?

Shedd,

A few days ago you sounded like you are doing better. What's going on now that you are doing so low?

T

Please, please, please don’t consider ending your life an option. If things have gotten that bad, please leave her. Please tell someone how you feel. I understand how you feel. The desperate desire to leave. To just no longer exist. It sounds like you really love your mom. Share your feelings with her. Let your family support you and help YOU get help. Whoever this girl is, she has to WANT to get better. If she refuses and you are sinking to a point of committing suicide, you HAVE to get out. You HAVE to get help. You HAVE to save yourself. I love my husband and I want things to work out between us but if I ever started to seriously consider suicide I would leave.

Everyone around me seems to find someone. To love, to be with. I am useless as much love as I give this world I am nothing. I'm so tired of trying to give out my love when it recieves zero respect even from my own family.

My ex is super happy in love. I'm suffering in her memory.

Pride month messed me up. Also been suffering anxiety from Zak Bagan's haunted house in Las Vegas. I'm an empath. I  Feel like I brought something home with me.

I also am an ass and tex her gf.

Feeling so isolated must be brutal.  :)o you have anyone on your life who can help support you,  too reach out to? Does your mom also give you zero respect?

My mom is one of the only ones. Why I stay. She helped me live and get a place so I feel bad killing myslef an disrespecting what she gave me.

I have tons of xanax and Cellexa I can use!

*mod*

Member signed off after making last post. The administrators are monitoring this situation and will post any updates here.

It is not uncommon for a member to stay away a few days after an evening like this.

Edit: OP logged in at June 30, 2018 at 1:31 PM PST

Hi there Shedd,

I'm really really sorry that you going through such a tough tough period now.
I don't know what time is it at your side. Have you had anything to eat and did you manage to get some sleep? Would you be working at the moment as well?

Your,
Spero

Shedd, this is the number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline:

800-273-8255

Please call. They are trained to address people in crisis.

We care about you.

Hi, Shedd!  Hugs.    I hear you're feeling very low. 

You had a therapy appointment on Monday with someone new, right?.  How did that go?

Hi Shedd,


You've had a lot all at once here and that is something to be mindful of.  It won't always be this way.  Trust me, things do get better.  I've been where you are and felt like this.  :)epressed states can make things feel a whole lot worse.  Have you spoken to your doctor/therapist/a crisis worker?  

If you want to talk about the above more, we're here.  What did you say in the text?  It sounds like you regret it.  We're listening. 

Love and light x

Please don't harm yourself. I understand that this must be really hard for you, but keep thinking of your mom.
You are not just staying for her... .she is proof that there most certainly are people who care about you, but just maybe not in your life right now. Your mom represents hope. Don't lose that hope.

Shedd,

I think we can run into trouble when we think life is supposed to be a certain way or work a certain way, even seemed like it was working the way we thought it would, then turns out to be much different (usually in an "bad" way) than we ever could have imagined.

The thing is... .

Life itself has no meaning. It is just what it is. It's full of people and pets and nature and energy and events and actions and work and rest and so much that swirls. The sun, the sky, the stars, the moon.

We give it meaning through our experiences and our dreams and thoughts.

But at the end of the day life just IS.

Shedd, give the meaning to YOUR life. "Accept the things you can't change." Be the best you!

It gets better. There's so much out there, things greater than you can ever imagine, open your heart to the possibilities.

 

J

Shedd,
I've been where you are.  For me it was my kids that kept me alive long enough to prove that things do get better. 

Life is worth living.  Sometimes it feels empty and unbearable, but I know from experience that it can become fuller and more bearable with just one glimpse of beauty.  I also know that your life will make that of others less empty and more bearable. 

Please call the hotline.  Eat something even if you don't feel like it.  Try to find some sunshine to bask in.  If you can't sleep, try exercising until you're exhausted enough to rest.  Reach out to those around you, here and in "real life". 

BeagleGirl

Been on cellexa and seeing a therapist now. I’m really hoping she helps me because most therapists can’t seem to help.

Sorry for the trouble.

Shedd!  Thank you for checking in.  (I've been thinking/worrying about you.)  I hear how hard this has felt and am with you 100% re: hoping your new T will help.

Do you know how long it'll take for the Cellexa to kick in?

Doctor said 5 weeks.

I think I’ve been on it for 2. I feel the anxiety went away, but the depression is still lingering. Feeling better the last couple days.

One good thing. Sometimes that's what keeps us going.

So idk if you guys saw me say I contacted her gf wishing them well... .

Well, she was an ass to me about it so we started fighting and getting into some deep discussions.  I told her how she treated me and what not.  I don't understand why her gf didn't just block me. Hmm.

Well, my ex texted me and told me to stop texting them or she's going to file a harrassment charge. 

I got to say what I needed to say that she ruined my life so go ahead.  That doesn't scare me for everything I have been through in my life. 

It will just be a new experience, and it will keep me from contacting her. Whom I don't need to be speaking to anyway!

I'm just happy I got to say what I needed to say to her.  I feel like it's complete.  Nothing is coming back from this.  She hates me forever and I hate her forever. 

I say bring on the harrassment charge 'cause she's just waisting her time.

Shedd,

You're hurting, big time. This thing has really kicked you.  :)o you think you might be on a self-destructive path right now? A harassment restraining orders ("injunction" in your state) is going to make you feel worse. Drinking heavily and taking antidepressants can kill you.

Can you walk us through what has been going on for the last two weeks. What drove you to seek therapeutics two weeks back? What happened that upset your Friday? What was you thought in calling your ex's girlfriend? Why didn't you respond to our wellness inquiries?

Let's talk through these things. Let's try to get to a better place. Baby steps.

This stuff is very hard. Many of us have been where you are.

This is an anonymous community. You can let it all out here... .people will work with you.

Skip

It was pride weekend this last weekend.  I identify as a lesbian, but everyone thinks I'm straight.  I don't fit in anywhere. All my friends are with someone.  They don't invite me with anywhere. I'm like a third wheel.

I text her because I really do care about her, but she will never see me she will always see me as a monster.  Even though no matter what she did I thought the world of her. Always patient.  Never getting mad at her or standing up for myself when I needed to because I didn't know how.  

Now... .

I don't know how at all because everytime I try to stand up for myself I get knocked down to the damn ground and bullied or kicked around.  So I just push people away and don't talk to anyone.

I'm tired of being a good person, but I don't know how else to be.

I suffer because she gets to walk away like I never mattered and be happy with someone new.  She is still friends with all her exes except me.

She claimed to hate her first ex gf, but she always had open communication with her during our relationship, and I let it happen because I'm a very understanding person and know people need certain things.  She needed contact to see her dog.  

I did absolutely everything I could in my power to make her happy and she hates me.  

I have been down a destructive path for the last year after she abandoned me again!

She has abandoned me so many times, blocked me on social media.  Kept me from trying to help her.  Never let me do anything.

I already suffered enough living with my Narcisssistic step father for 20 years.  Always stuck in my room because he would harass me when I was out of it.  

Everywhere I go I get bullied and destroyed while I see so many other people be happy when they treat people like crap.  It makes me insane.  I never feel good enough for anyone even though I treat people SO well that it destroys myself...  

I am not good at life.

Have you taken the depression test and benchmarked yourself in the thread?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0

This would be a good way to see how you are progressing going forward.

I would say a 4 for all of those things listed.

Hi Shedd, I totally feel you on this. I gave up a lot and gave a lot of love to help my family when my father was ill (eventually passed) and got villified for it. I was recently telling my own mother almost verbatim what you said; not just that I get zero but I get the OPPOSITE of what I put in. But she reminded me of some wisdom she gave me as a child when I stopped thanking the cashier becaues they never said 'you're welcome'. She said you don't give love or respect or politeness to people for them you do it for you. You put it out there without expecting anything and if you don't get it back and decide to withhold it is is only then that you've lost love/respect/kindness. So she said that the people (sisters, girl I liked, etc) who were not reciprocating/recognizing weren't doing so because I wasn't worthy but because of their own issues.

Keep giving love. It has more effect than you realize, whether or not people can or do acknowledge it. You are making a difference Shedd. You can't if you are not here. So few people give love we need every one we've got :)

I too am taking care of my mother (see some of my threads) and have had very little respect/acknoweldgement not only from family but also in my own attempts to connect for 'love' because it is not something that is respected (living at home) even if the reason is good. So I get a double-whammy. But I have to tell myself in the end I'm doing something good for someone I love and if I don't get validaiton or love back or from the outside you know what? I will one day because I can love.

Hold on to that; not whether it is reciprocated (yet) just that YOU can love. And Live. It will come back to you I promise you. Just stay with us and keep on loving. It is all any of us can do.

Shedd if it wasn’t for people like you this world would be a much darker place.This world needs people that love unconditionally so please be very proud of who you are.I too see a lot of people out there that are happier and have someone that loves them , so I feel what you feel as well ,you are not alone.There is something exceptionally special with people who can love without expecting anything in return and even more so if they are treated badly and still love their ex partners.Right now things seem dark but your time will come ,it really will but sometimes its when we least expect it.

I too drank heavily if you read my story and follow my healing process.All I can say is I had to give it up in order to heal properly no matter how hard that is to do.I understand when you look at pictures or social media and see how happy these people seems to be , that alcohol pushes the pain away,yet it also makes it come back 10 times worth .Im not trying to lecture you I promise , I’m just trying to tell you about my story and booze became a depressant for me .
Please keep posting here , ask any questions you have no matter what they are , we will do our best to help you.

My father took his own life and I am a lesbian, so I can relate to your feelings. I would be more than happy to talk with you! Please go to your nearest hospital ER and tell them you're suicidal and they will help you. Please! You are important and appreciated and valued and loved!

Hi,
   I know what you’re going through. A lot of us do. Being with someone wit BPD is not easy. The toll of the relationship is a big one. But that does not mean that you give up. You have your whole life ahead of you and if one person is making you want to kill yourself then it’s time to leave. Your mental health is just as important as theirs. And if this is where you are you need to seek help for you right now. Talk to your mom and tell her how you feel right now. I’m sure she would do anything to help you right now. I hope you decide not to take your life. And that you take care of yourself.

Shedd,
I hope that you are starting to feel better.  As many have said, the world is a less beautiful place without you.  You deserve the same love and care you give to others and we all hope that you will hold on long enough to receive it.

I remember counting down the days until my anti-depressant was supposed to kick in.  I will say that there wasn't a magical moment when I "felt better", but one day I realized that the pain was still there but was bearable.  While I hope your depression will lift as the meds kick in, I think it might be good to temper your expectations and realize that, for many, anti-depressants serve the purpose of getting you to a place where you can START the work of dealing with your depression.  I was able to go off my anti-depressant a little over a year ago, but I had lots of "dark days" after that as I continued to wrestle with the things that were the root of my depression.  I never got back to the point of wanting to stop living (I would have gone back on if I had), but I still shed lots of tears and experienced loneliness that I thought would never end.

The thing I most want you to know is that my loneliness and sadness didn't end because I found someone to love me (though I have several amazing friends that DO love me).  I have gotten to a place where I no longer need my dBPDxh to love me back or even treat me well.  I've also gotten to a place where the idea of never again having a life companion and romantic love doesn't sound like a death sentence.  People would tell me that I could get to this place where I enjoyed being "alone" and feel like my life was full.  I thought it was very hypocritical for them to say that from their comfortable marriages and full lives.  My therapist believes I am built for relationship and will find one, but has wisely cautioned me over and over that I shouldn't consider dating until I know my own worth without needing anyone else (specifically potential romantic partners) to tell me what it is.  6 months ago I really felt like that would never happen and I would either never be able to date or only do so against her instructions.  :) 

Very slowly, I have started to understand my own worth.  I have started to record over the "not enough" messages I received from my FOO and dBPDxh.  I have started to see the way that I bring light and beauty to those around me just by being who I am, and that brings me joy even when it's not reciprocated.  I have started to realize that my heart is a treasure that should not be squandered on anyone who might be careless with it.  I've also realized that I can give OF myself without giving UP myself.  I'm starting to get to the point where I know with my heart as well as my mind that rejection and neglect by those I extend love and care to speaks to who they are, not to who I am.

Our circumstances may be different, but I believe that has little relevance to the fact that I have stood in the midst of a thunderstorm praying that God would do what I couldn't (because of my kids) and take my life.  I have felt empty because I had poured myself out for others and had no love in return.  I have felt unlovable because those who should have loved me didn't.  I have worthless because nobody seemed to want what I had to offer. 

It's been a journey, but I'm no longer in that place.  I can still feel the pain of those memories, but they do feel solidly in the past.  I would love to walk along side you as you take the journey from where you are and smooth over any rough patches I can help you anticipate, but at the very least I can shine a beacon that says "It won't always be like this".

BeagleGirl

I can't think of anything to add to what BeagleGirl has written, Shedd.

Well... .

Know that you have a net under you--whether that turns out to be antidepressants or therapeutic support or the arms we here are holding out for you or the love and understanding (even partial understanding) of one good friend.

In another thread, Skip asked some questions about what we'd learned in the process of recovery (still ongoing for me and others here). I should have said this: I learned that I am never really alone. If you ask for help, you will be surprised by how willing some people will be to offer it.

xo xo steelwork

Shedd I can identify with this one totally. A few years back I found this amazing "once in a lifetime" (felt that way at the time, time will tell) love. Instant. The girl thought I was the most amazing man/bf/person ever. I was the first bf to treat her dreams and hopes as important and gave her a place to feel safe/loved for the first time (she said).

Fast-fwd she had some horrid geeky male incels secretly in love with her who hated that she loved me and they conspired to make it look like I'd done something in my past I had not, which would have if true made everything I told about her a lie. We had a horrible break-up where they basically ambushed me with 'the evidence' and she sat there and let them do it.

What caused me no end of pain (and still does to some degree today) isn't just that we ended; it is that there was and is no hope of ever reconnecting as friends, saying hi, or that she'll ever have a kind thought about me again. This girl who thought I was 'the best thing ever'.

I get how that hurts more than 'just' loss. Especially when you have given fully of yourself.

I get how it makes you NOT want to give and not give love and maybe even hate yourself a little for doing so. Do NOT. Give MORE. Give more to youself and MORE to new people you meet.  People can take things from you, the can take themselves away from you. Do not let them take YOU from you. Be more of you than you ever were. Whether you need to tap into your grief of your fury or just your love find that thing to power you past this and do not  let them/her win.

Don't say with the next person "I'm not giving because people take" give MORE. Expect nothing in return except being true to yourself, that in itself is a gift and the RIGHT people will be drawn to and cherish it.

That whole 'dance like no one is looking love like you've never been hurt' is trite as hell but it is an IMMENSELY powerful way to move on in life, not let people take YOU from you and not let people take YOU from OTHER people who are waiting for you in the future whom you deserve and who deserve YOU.

All the love you have will find the right place to shine one day. Don't give up. As long as you can open your eyes, there is hope. I know how hard it is to have someone you deeply care about view you as someone you absolutely don't believe yourself to be. I know that after someone you love has emotionally torn you up and abused you repeatedly it is all too easy to believe the words they say, to believe that you are who they say you are. It is simply not true. As much as it hurts, you need to cut off contact with this person. Contacting her again is only offering yourself up for her abuse. You are not married. You have no obligation to her. You can walk away now and be free. You can seek counseling and have a firm foundation of who you are before ever having to face her or a person like her again. There is someone out there waiting to be loved by you. Please don't take a wonderful future away from them or yourself. This may sound cliche, but she's not worth it. Let her go. Free yourself of concern over what other people think of you. You will be happier for it in the long run.

Shedd, how are you doing today?   

Love and light x 

So... .*smiles sheepishly.* hi... .

You all witnessed my lowest point in my life... .uhm.  I feel really bad about that to make you worry and all.  

... .I think the meds have kicked in... .

I feel like a brand new person.  

I still have my low days of doing nothing and being alone... .but... .

Something has changed in me.  I don't know what it is.  Maybe it's a gift from the universe a new beginning? This harrassment charge made me realize we're done.  And she will never be coming back! Yay!

Can you tell I'm excited and happy again. What is with me?

Meds. 100% work so if you're doubting... .They help!

Thank you for the amount of love and support. Wow. I feel like I can really say how I feel and not be sent to a mental instatution. That really helps! Sometimes I feel so low like that and just need to let it all out.

This medication works wonders. I love you all so much if you ever need something someone to talk to please reach out to me. I would love that.

Many of us have these days of feeling alone Shedd. So you're so not alone on that one!   :thought:

Many people have benefitted from accurately prescribed medication--and yes they do help a lot.  :)

Being lifted out of the doldrums can feel like a gift, and I know what that feels like. What are your plans for yourself from here?  :)

I'm so glad for you.

I started on anti-anxiety medication at night some years ago for hot flashes at night, and it changed my life. It really smoothed things out.

Hi Shedd,

It's so wonderful to hear that you have come out the other side of your crisis and are feeling so much better.  Yes your excitement leaps off the page!  There's nothing wrong with you.  You're human like the rest of us and we can all get knocked down.  Good on you for getting back up.  Bottle this feeling and if the dark days ever return, just remind yourself that you can get through and be back at this place of new possibilities. 

I'll echo gotbushels and ask what you are planning now to keep on this positive track?  What support do you have to help you work through the tough times and prevent things from getting serious?  Do you have a crisis plan in case you find yourself nearing the same frame of mind in the future?  Would you recognise the warning signs?

Love and light x

I’m happy to see you back here and I’m happy you are feeling better i truely am! I hope your healing process continues along the lines it has already  and I hope you find the love you always wanted

Awwww. You all are so sweet.  Thank you. <3

Shedd, I just wanted to express that I am happy the medications are helping you and that you seem back on track to a healthy life.  I am sure we have all had those low points where we thought the sun would never rise for us again. 

Please do not feel inhibited to express whatever is going on at any given time - it's how we all grow and find our way. 

I wish you a continued journey towards everything you've ever dreamed of!

Thought I would check in!

 It's been a little over a month (I think) since I've been on medication.  I must say it's helping me cope with everything.  I think with my freak out about suicide, my medication wasn't kicked in yet. Work was overwhelming and so was trying to get over her.

I am also taking vitamin D and fish oil.   I feel like it's making a difference in my mood.  Those two combinations have really made me happy again.  

I feel like I am that much closer to having full closer and being able to move on.  I haven't thought about her in a month.  And work seems to be getting better too. I'm enjoying it more and I think it's because all the toxic people are out of my life in work and in my personal life too!

AHHHHHH! I'm starting to feel like myself again and it makes me so happy.

That sounds wonderful!

Some times we have to valley out before we start recovering - it's really great that you are on the upside of that valley now.

Are you free of urges to contact her - or controlling it?

Great news I’m happy to hear you are feeling better .Time is a huge contributor to healing and it seems to be on your side .Nutrition helps so what you are doing seems to be working,keep up the great work.!

So glad to know things are going up for you=) I will try the vitamin D and fish oil and see how it works for me. I am currently medicating for my depression as well and I have my moments, too.
Isn't it great detoxifying after what we all have been through with our ex-BPDs?

No urges of cantactng her because of her restraining order threat, but I do have urges to create a new FB account to see her profile, but I’m not going to even do that because I feel better not knowing what she is doing.

The only downside right now is I tacked on a bit of a drinking problem I am trying to get under control, but even that I’ve been doing good with lately so I’m proud of myself!

Yes, for sure. Taken a long road. I’m still not completely healed, but I feel like myself again and that’s what I’ve wanted!

Hope it works for ya!