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I’m hesitant to post details, but I had a discussion with my SO in which we were talking in general about a topic we agree on in front of others.   That topic led to me having a disagreement about one point.   Because I disagreed with that one point, to my SO, I’d undermined our shared opinion in front of others.   

Hi mssalty,

Sorry you had a bad time with your SO. I know how hard it is when a good conversation goes awry.

Hard to say without more details here, but I think all people with BPD/BPD traits are not the same. And I've seen non couples have pretty ugly disagreements. I remember once sitting in the backseat of the car of a couple that was within days of getting married and one of them started to tell a story and they kept arguing over one ridiculous point. Something like "It cost $1." "No, it cost $2." "No, it cost $1." and on and on. It was that stupid. I remember thinking "you two should not get married", but they did. And they later divorced not long after.

So, couples fight. It is how you resolve the differences that matter. If he says you undermined him, he means you made him feel bad or embarrassed him. I don't know if you did or didn't. But it does sound like he felt bad. Is there any reason he could have felt this way?  If there is some agreement between you on the topic is there a way to get back on the same side of things by refocusing around that? Is there something you could validate in what he expressed?

with compassion, pearl. 

mssalty,

BPD has a lot of black and white all or nothing thinking involved.  So, if you agree on 4 out of 5 points, you disagreed with them. 

Also, BPD involves a lot of fo shame and blame avoidance.  They feel bad if it's shown they are ever wrong - think back to black and white thinking.  If they are right, they have to always be right.  Otherwise, they are wrong, and even if they are only wrong about 1 out of 5 things, they are suddenly always wrong and suck and are terrible, stupid.  To avoid these feelings of shame at being imperfect, they lash out, deny facts, rewrite conversations and history, and will strive to make it known YOU are the one wrong, all in order to save some imaginary face no one else even cares about. 

So maybe in short, no, nuance is not easily understood. 

I am by nature a passive speaker.  I have been working on this for years, and on my writing, to be more straightforward, less "if it please you, I humbly think this".  And more "I think this." 

Talking, writing, messaging, texting a pwBPD, it's best to be as clear and straight as possible.  We as nons tend to hope/assume they will follow OUR line of logic.  To us what was true yesterday, barring new data, is true today.  To them, their FEELINGS determine their facts.  So what was red yesterday may be blue today.  So, we can't rely on our interpretation of logic to hold firm, on our memories of conversations to hold firm.  We kinda have to reiterate things, in a straight manner, repeatedly sometimes.  And validate the valid the whole time.

I agree that black and white thinking makes it difficult for them to see nuance.  How did you end up resolving the situation?  What happened next?

WW