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It is my ex's bday tomorrow.  My step dad passed away on her birthday last year while we were broken up.  She had wanted to date other guys and i had told her that i couldn't talk anymore then.  Then she contacted me on her birthday to say she was sorry about my step dad.  As her son had told me - she has sympathy but no empathy.  So she definitely showed her sympathy then. 

This year in March she recontacted me after going out with the replacement for 6 months.  I gave her an opportunity to see if she had anything to say to me but she kept her old pattern of needing to be in control and told me "no just contacted to say happy holidays"   I asked her not to contact me anymore because I needed time to heal because i had loved her and it was unrequited.  I think she wanted to keep me as a friend but i couldn't handle that.  I discovered i loved her too much and i am very sensitive.  I still think about her everyday just about.  I wonder if she thinks of me. 

So her birthday will be hard because part of me wants to connect with her or let her know i'm thinking about her but it will be too hard on me- she'll just reject me and i think it will teach her that she can sleep around on guys and they will still keep coming back to her.  I don't want to play that role for her.  But i miss the girl I met at the JCC before she changed and started devaluing me. 

I can't get that girl out of my head.  Most days i'm okay but the tomorrow will be full of sadness on two levels- one for my mom and her deceased husband and the other for the death of the woman who i fell in love with before she changed.  I was watching Under the Tucson Sun last week and it made me very emotional because just like Diane Lane's character in the movie, I am sad that I can't find healthy love or companionship in my life.

I went out on a date earlier in the week and it wasn't the same.  I missed my ex.  I wished it were her although my ex wasn't on the same wavelength and into all the stuff i was into , i just was enamored by her. It was the darndest thing. 

I deleted some more of our pics last week and I bet she has too.  Life is so sad for me right now.

Hi truthbeknown,

Sorry to hear you are feeling so sad about your love life. I feel that way at times too. For all the effort I've put in, and all the love I've given and received, a love life I can enjoy and be proud of seems so elusive. At times I just want to throw my hands up completely and be done with this part of my life entirely - it seems to bring more pain and damage than anything solid or real. After, oh, 31 years of trying, I think I may not have much left in the tank!

What did you decide to do on the birthday? Have you thought to try to reclaim this as a day for yourself? I think I might have made played with it a bit and rather than contact, just celebrate myself on that day! But I am kinda silly like that! But if I was in this spot I might buy myself a really beautifully made and great tasting dessert and given myself an extra birthday! Why not? :) What do such days mean really? And why not make it your day?

If this day makes you think of your mom and her deceased husband is there something you could do for your mom on this day to help her feel good?

Again, sorry for your sadness!

wishing you peace, pearl.

Thanks Pearl,

I am going to hang out with my mom today.  I kind of got through a wave of sadness last night and now i'm feeling better.  She's probably feeling great so why don't I ?  why should i have to suffer on her birthday- that doesn't seem right. 

There's this part of my humaness that wants to believe that i mattered to someone in this life.  I suppose i should channel myself into helping others because the relationship part may be elusive for me too? 

thanks for responding and listening!