BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,
long, long, looOoOoong story short, last year I went to a new 4-year college. It's isolated and small--only about 16,000 students.

Within a month of being there I met Paula*, the person who would become my girlfriend. She seemed too good to be true, and at first I didn't trust how much attention she was giving / how genuinely interested she seemed to be in me. I felt, during the first few weeks, that she seemed mentally unstable. I felt like the way she was behaving towards me was not about me or a genuine interest, but a reflection of a deeper instability/need to be in love. I guess I was right. I broke up with her after the first month. That breakup lasted about two weeks. During those two weeks, she was diagnosed with BPD by one of the counselors on staff.

We got back together on Halloween, and stayed solidly together through January. During that time she met my family, and I fell head over heels in love with her. She made me feel incredibly safe, until she made me feel incredibly unsafe. February was rough. She didn't want to hold my hand in public. She didn't want to eat with me in the dining hall. I think she felt that if others knew we were dating, it would impinge on her freedom. We were in a toxic breakup/makeup cycle that lasted until about March. She ended things once and for all with a text: "Man. This really doesn't work in this time and place." I sent back, "yup." By that time we were both too tired to do it for real... .but I deserved better than that.

Two weeks after our final breakup, she texted me to get my enneagram personality type. I was (am?) still in love with her, so of course I did. Ugh. She came and visited my city, and texted me the entire time. i.e., "I adored the museum of sex [a museum we have here]" and, "wow New York is so small! I think I just walked past your building!" When I asked her if she wanted to spend time together, she declined. I asked her to stop texting me.

When we got back to school, she gave me a 5-page letter detailing some of the things that I had done to hurt her... .things that could have been easily cleared up with some direct communication at the time they transpired! i.e., I had shared something that hurt her feelings. She said this was unacceptable... .THREE MONTHS AFTER I SAID IT.

Paula is a big presence on campus. She is super beloved by staff and students alike, and she stands out. I feel humiliated. I have a great group of friends, but I pushed them away during the split. My grief over this relationship feels outsized. It's the first time my emotions had manifested so physically--a constant, stinging pain in my chest. I'm most angry about the fact that, past a certain point, I stopped holding her accountable. I was so afraid of losing her, I let her do and say whatever she wanted without standing up for myself. I'm feeling better, and doing a job I love this summer... .but I'm so angry that this relationship and breakup resulted in me ceding the self-esteem and self-regard I had worked so hard to achieve. I don't understand why I am in so much pain over this, while she is seemingly in none. I feel transparent and vulnerable, like everyone can see my thoughts on a conveyor belt in my head. Paula is now involved (last I heard) with another person on campus, who looks a fair bit like me and--this is the kicker--is involved in the same highly specialized field as I am. I take such joy and pride in my work and studies, and I feel like my field builds up my identity. For some reason, I'm so so pissed that this new person (who I'm sure is lovely) likes the same stuff I like, and does the same stuff I do.

I have never given anyone so much power over me. I'm not sure how to take it back. Paula and I have a lot of mutual friends, two of whom are living with her next semester. One of these friends hasn't met Paula yet, just got asked to room with them while we were still a couple. I'm afraid that this friend will become closer to Paula than she is to me. I really don't want that to happen.

Here I must reiterate that our school is minuscule, and we will definitely be seeing one another around. I'm really scared. I don't want this bummer relationship to come to define four years I worked so hard for. I've already lost a semester (my grades from last semester, during the breakup, are abysmal.) She also joined the school newspaper I write for, and we're both in the small LGBT community on campus.

This really really sucks and I'm really really scared and it all just feels so unfair. That's about where I'm at right now.

Hi ElviraRose,

Thank you for sharing your story with us! It is indeed hard to go through a breakup, and these circumstances of not being able to avoid her presence make it extra difficult.

Have you dated since this took place or have you felt hesitant to try again for now after this?

As awkward as it is, this other person cannot replace you. She could date a dozen people with similar interests and it's still not you. You are what makes you special, not her having wanted you at one point. Sounds like is looking for a piece of what she had with you. Keep taking pride in your field and studies, this does not take away from it.

Are you able to talk to your friend about the awkwardness of the situation, of being friends with both of you?

with compassion, pearl.

Welcome to bpdfamily!  I want to tell you how impressed I am by you.  Your ability to identify your emotions, your honesty about the positive feelings you had for her combined with the clarity you have about which of her behaviors were innappropriate -- all of these qualities are impressive, and give me great faith that you are going to be just fine.  I know that does not diminish the pain.  Time and further reflection will help with that, I hope.

Did you say your college has 1,600 students?  And with your academic specialization, membership in the smaller LGBTQ community, and friend circles, it sounds like you'll likely be running into her a bit.  That does make it tougher.  But remember just to hold firm to your values.  If you are carrying yourself with dignity, and treating others with respect, and she is behaving the way she is behaving, over time, people will know the truth about you.  Don't look to her for validation.  Construct a set of other references -- friends, faculty, family, your inner values -- to guide you.

I know it's tough to detach after experiencing a relationship with such emotional intensity.  But you're learning some critical things early in life that will help you as you choose your future relationships.  One thing from my own experience that I've found to be important, and I'm hoping you gather from this experience, is to trust your gut.

Have you had a chance to look at the lessons to the right to help with the stages of Detaching?

WW