BPDFamily.com

New to all of this, my DH doesn’t have a formal diagnosis because he’s refused to see a psychiatrist. The therapist he’s seen for almost two years unofficially suggested this diagnosis. He has almost every trait and I was relieved to finally understand what was wrong.

We’ve been together 15 yeas and have several children. I’ve endured emotional, verbal, sexual and physical abuse throughout our relationship. He’s been on medication, we did couples therapy and I tried everything to fix us.

Then one day I realized it wasn’t me. Once the fog of denial lifted I couldn’t go back.

Eventually at my lowest point I engaged in an emotionally affair. I did tell my DH once it ended in hopes we could improve. While aspects of the relationship have, overall I can’t let go. I don’t trust him, I don’t like when he touches me, I don’t have a desire to engage him beyond running the household. I’m not in love and even with him acitively working on his BPD nothing changing.

I’m currently reading ‘stop walking on eghshells’ which has been painful, I cry as I read every page. Reliving the hurt and trauma that’s defined my marriage.

I want to leave him, but I’m not ready yet. I should give him a fighting chance to save our marriage but I feel like to stay I have to give up on myself.

Can anyone relate to this? Any stories to share?

Hi Jade, welcome to the board. I'm hardly qualified to give advice or feedback on your situation having 'only' endured a possible pwBPD in a short-term relationship. Even then I can sense the devastation such a relationship can cause. I really just wanted to reach out and welcome you since it is a holiday weekend and likely the board is not so active but reassure you from my time here there are many people here who have had similar situations and have great insights, great caring and great empathy that can help you through this time and guide you to some helpful places and decisions. Hold on, take a deep breath and I promise you within a day or two you'll start getting some probably unexpectedly good and caring support here. You are not alone... .

Hi Jade_alexander,

I'd like to join 1stTimer in welcoming you here!

He's right, a lot of do share elements of each other's stories! Our struggles have a lot in common.

I'm trying to give my SO some last time to repair things and make our life together possible, he's given me some time as well. It's not easy.

Do you have a time frame in mind of how much longer you can wait to see changes? Do you have a sense of what you would need to see change in order to continue on together?  What makes it hard for you to leave although you feel you want to?

Are you in continuing danger in terms of physical abuse?

wishing you the best, pearl.

Thank you for your warm welcome!

I haven’t left because I feel guilty about divorcing, we have children. For whatever reason, I feel like I’ve given up.
I also hesitate because I don’t have my own income. I’ve been the stay at home parent. He often threatens to take the kids, out home and the money.
Lastly, he threatens to attack my affair partner. That individual is no longer part of my life and considers our relationship a huge mistake. My husband wants to make him pay... .all the anger and frustration has been turned on the other man. I feel torn between them, pacifying my husband and protecting another adult.

I am aware these reasons are skewed by co dependentcy. I’m working on that.

Behaviorally he’s no longer physical with me, I had CPS involved so he no longer touches the children. He’s not as verbally or emotionally abusive, he goes to therapy weekly to address his symptoms and childhood trauma. So as a whole, he’s working on it.

I just plain don’t like him anymore. He’s annoying, demanding, immature, he doesn’t connect with me and often acts out to get reactions from me. I want an adult partner, not a child. We never laugh, haven’t in years. I can’t talk to him about my emotions because he uses it against me. I don’t enjoy sex with him.

There is nothing left to connect us and I feel guilty about it. Like I should be trying as hard as he is but instead I want to run.

What a huge load for you to be under, with a long marriage, a history of abuse, kids to worry about, and your emotional needs not being met.

You've had the courage to realize that your current situation is untenable.  Things need to change.  Your feelings of guilt are natural.  You've organized your life around the family structure as it is now.  Contemplating a change has to be pretty scary.  You've also spent the last decade or two tending to the needs of others, including an emotionally demanding spouse, so putting your own needs first may feel pretty unnatural.

Whether you stay or go, you are going to need to build your strength and confidence.  We can help with that.  Despite your feelings of ambivalence about the relationship, the relationship coping tools you can learn here will help you make your current situation better, help you to know you've done everything you can, and increase your strength to handle any potential transition and coparenting.  Does that sound like a good way to go?

WW

Emotionally I don’t want to, but logically i need to. Otherwise, I will always question IF I did my all.

I’m also in therapy as well. There is A LOT of trauma I’ve buried deep down, I need to sort through it.

I understand trauma of emotional and physical abuse that's buried to get by and preserve the family.  Starting to heal would be work enough with a totally supportive partner, but you've got the same partner, just less abusive.  That's a tough place to be.

When he acts out to get a reaction from you, what does he do?

Are you sleeping together?  Are you able to sleep safely and comfortably each night?  Are you well rested when you wake?

WW

His acting out can be saying annoying comments hoping I’ll laugh (I never have, and I never will), then saying jerky comments knowing it will irritate me and when he’s very hurt he with threaten for attention (I’ll take the kids and the house and I won’t give you a dime so you better be nice to me)... .his antics are very immature and rude .

We share a bed, he keeps me on a tight leash since my affair. We have to cuddle every night to ‘bond’... .I tell him I hate it but he insists anyways. I feel safe now, a few weeks ago we had an incident and I called the police and got CPS involved. So now he’s very careful around me. I try to get ample sleep.

I’m investing a lot of energy back into myself. I’m done having him drain me.

Hi Jade_alexander,

So, you tell him you hate cuddling with him, but he insists on cuddling? Do you cuddle with him just to keep him from getting upset with you?

Do you feel sort of over a barrel in trying to protect the other man from your husband? What has your husband threatened towards the guy? Has he actually done anything to harm that person?

I am concerned that you are having physical contact with your husband against your will or because of manipulation. Is that the case?

wishing you peace, pearl.

I’ve told him I’m uncomfortable with physical embraces. Sometimes he gets upset ‘you will cuddle me because you will love me.’ Or hurt ‘you always pull away, you won’t let me love you’.

I’ve vocalized I’m NOT in love with him. That being physically affectionate is stressful but Ibdo it to appease him. Make him happy so he will leave me alone later.

He threatens to physically harm the other man. Damage property. Or to tell everyone what we did to ruin his reputation. I’ve begged and cried and begged him not to. Explaining all that would do it drive me farther away and his threats terrify me. I just want to move forward, it’s been months and I don’t want to open this wound.

You seem to be in something of a middle ground.  There's a history of abusive behaviors.  Some have gone away.  Some persist.  You are comfortable asserting yourself in some areas, not in others.

When dealing with someone with BPD, the line between immaturity and coercion can be fuzzy.  We give in to some things that are invalidating to us and harm our spirit in order to buy some peace.  pearlsw keyed in on the fact that you are cuddling when you don't want to.  The important question is, how do you feel about it?  If it is a throwaway, no-nevermind for you, then no problem.  But if you feel like you're losing your personhood, if it feels like it eats away at the borders of your self, that's something to pay attention to.  There is no right way to feel about this.  Are you able to access your feelings?  It can be tough -- I buried some of mine pretty deep.  How do you feel about the cuddling?

In getting to know your situation, I'm hoping to better understand how much pressure you are under.  There are other elements of coercion operating here like his financial threats.  Anything involving the children or finances can be very threatening to you and limit your perceived freedom to make choices. 

I found it particularly helpful to understand the differences between healthy, unhealthy, and abusive behavior by looking at a very useful graphic called the Relationship Spectrum (http://www.thehotline.org/healthy-relationships/relationship-spectrum/).  A particularly helpful page on abuse defined (http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/) shows how many different forms of abuse there can be, in particularly non-physical controlling behaviors.

Can you take a look at those resources and let us know what aspects of unhealthy and abusive behavior you are facing?  There are sometimes more issues than we see at first.  In figuring out the best path, it's important to acknowledge the various issues as well as crossing off things that you are fortunate enough not to have to worry about. 

WW

I find it so amazing that with all the abuse you have been through and I'll the abuse I have been through, it's still so difficult to cut the cord. I feel like my husband is almost my litter mate, we've been together so long. I hold on to the sweet moments when I think how empty my life feels without him now, and pull in the horrors when I try to give myself courage to leave. Back and forth, back and forth.

I’ve confronted him many times about abuse. I posted diagrams and i formation on our fridge then would refer to it. He’s in therapy and talking about his abusive tendencies.

I just get tired of having to put up boundaries constantly with him. We have a large family and caring for the children takes almost all I have. So I pick and choose which battles are worth triggering him. Today he started arguing and I simply told him I didn’t have the energy to engage and to leave me alone. It worked.

I have A LOT of hostility and anger. I have no forgiven him. But i am pressured to keep trying. As if saying I’m done is me failing. I was even informed today that a divorce would define my children’s lives.

It’s like it’s better for him to crush and break me then leave... .

I don’t have sweet moments anymore. I look back and see pain. But I can’t afford rent, I need a career and I have to be emotionally prepared for a fight.

I just haven’t gotten there yet.

One day I woke up and realized it was him and I didn’t deserve the years of mistreatment. And I can’t go back. I can’t forgive him.

I am sorry, what an awful place to be in.  The worst abuse has stopped, but without accountability or successful healing between the two of you, and you are under a huge load caring for your family.  The fact that he is using threats to contain you likely only deepens your resentment.  Is that a fair description?

Yes, kind of, a divorce would play a part in defining their lives.  But what is happening now is defining their lives, too.  I'm sorry you're not getting the collaboration we all hope for when we sign up for marriage and child rearing.

How many kids do you have?  How old are they?

WW

I have five children between the ages of 1 to 11.

I don’t know if my closed off emotions are simply because of the abuse and symptoms of BPD or if my affair changed my heart. I really had a taste of a normal and supportive partner. It’s been challenging to go back after that.

I am right there with you, Jade. Even reading the same book. When I discovered and began to learn about BPD. I was so relieved! Suddenly there was an explanation to all of the insanity I had seen. Honestly, only one therapist mentioned a personality disorder directly two me about my husband back in 2015 but the term "Borderline Personality Disorder" sounded so scary, I never looked into it. Late last year or early this year and friend shared a page on Facebook about BPD. A light bulb went off. I began to study it. Finally working up the courage to ask my husband about it. He said he identified with it, but refused to accept the diagnosis. I asked our counselor in private who acknowledged that BPD was a diagnosis of my husbands and informed me that many counselors won't take them on as patients because they are notoriously difficult. I directly asked the psychiatrist  one day about my husbands diagnosis and again, the BPD (among others) was confirmed. One counselor, when my husband tried to have himself admitted to a local hospital, frankly asked me if I was familiar with BPD. I nodded in earnest and asked several questions. I learned that many psychiatrists do not put down BPD as a main diagnosis for insurance reasons. They get paid to prescribe medications and as there is no medication to treat BPD, they need a comorbid diagnosis to validate treatment by a psych. I learned that inpatient therapy is not the best treatment for borderlines as the environment is too controlled for them to grow positively and regression usually occurs. The most heartbreaking thing I've found about bPD is that the person with it is the one that has to intensely pursue therapy and REALLY want to get better. Unfortunately, my husband disagrees with his diagnosis and won't put in the work to get better. Is your husband interested in getting better? Does he acknowledge not only his illness but what HE has to do to heal? It is not an incurable disease. If a person is willing to put forth the effort, while the journey is long, it is possible to reach a point where the diagnosis no longer fits. I am filling much the way you do. Wanting to give up, but not quite being able to. My husband can tell there is a part of me emotionally that he no longer has access to. I didn't intentionally do this. It is a result of fear and trauma. I would like for us to both heal. Not sure I've helped at all. Just know that you are not alone in your thoughts.

He is actively working on it. He working in therapy to get through some childhood trauma that may have triggered the BPD or just adds to it. He still has his issues, but we can talk about it. I guess that’s what is so sad, he’s trying.

If he does recover, I don’t know if I will even love him. I just don’t value what he offers anymore. We married really young and I have realized he just never grew up to be an emotionally mature person. We don’t share interests, or values are different now and sex is no longer enjoyable. When we attempt to connect it’s very draining for me. He never really asks about my needs or understands what I’m expressing. He’s just very immature about it. I realized things weren’t good 4 years ago and time hasn’t helped.

I don't know what to say. I share your same feelings but my husband hasn't directly tried therapies for BPD. In fact, disagrees with them altogether. I think those feelings of love would rush back if I saw that. Actually, this is a fear of mine. That my heart will become so hardened towards my husband because of all the suffering I endure due to BPD, that one day there will be no love left. Does he know how you feel?

He knows but he’s also in a denial. He still feels we can reconnect, that if he tries harder it will come back. We have a lot of social pressure you keep going. Couples who have been through tough times, but Indont feel they totally get it. They still had a connection or desire somewhere to be together.

I keep trying to fake it, as recommended.

But in honesty, I’m not over the other man in my life. Even though it’s over and we’re not in contact, I would be with him instantly if he wanted. So how can I truly invest in my marriage if my heart is elsewhere?

Hi Jade_alexander... .Your situation sounds a lot like mine. Although mine ended up in divorce. I've been there, though.  I too felt the energy drain, doing things he wants to so he'll leave you alone, feeling guilt, wanting to run (I felt trapped), etc. It's a tough place to be in, especially having children.

I think it may help to try to take it one step at a time and even one day at a time. Try to take care of yourself (eat well, rest, etc.). Please be kind to yourself. You went through hell with all the abuse. Healing takes time. Things may become more clear to you as you heal and you'll have a better idea of what you want to do and how you want to handle it. It did for me.

Enforcing boundaries around someone like that is really tough. It may get easier with time and practice. One thing that helped me was imagining an invisible shield around me when he was around. It may sound weird but it helped me keep my energy better and not let his insults get to me.

I'm also a big believer in getting in touch with your feelings and listening to your gut instinct. How do YOU feel? What do YOU want? What is your gut trying to tell you? To be honest, I'm not a fan of "faking it". I understand the concept. Personally, I believe it's not genuine and it doesn't help anyone. That's me, though.

I think it is great that he is trying. That doesn't mean you HAVE to stay, though, if you don't want to. And if you want to stay, that's okay too. I understand feeling pressured. I really do. You do have a choice, though. Deciding whether to stay or go isn't an easy choice but you do have a choice. I also really hope he's working on himself for HIM and not as a tactic to keep you around.

This reminds me of my ex. I so understand that feeling!


I can relate to this 100%! I totally get it!

I think it may help for you to do what you feel you need to do for your own mental and emotional health. You can't pour from an empty cup, so to speak. *hugs*

I’ve put my foot down and told him I’m focusing on me now. I go to therapy for me. I have hobbies for me. I am reading books about personality characteristics for me. I started working with a nutritionist for me. And now I’m starting to work for me.

I told him fixing our marriage isn’t conductive with personally growth. I need to get myself sorted.

I’m spending a lot of time sorting through my feelings. I’ve had such an attachment with my affair partner that I used as a distraction from my own problems. I feel like I’m finally handling them.

Hi Jade_alexander,

I can relate to this a lot! I sometimes feel like it be would be a notch of failure if I decide to depart from my relationship. It is very hard to have feelings for someone that mistreats. At some point it all just starts to collapse. I care about him, I tolerate him, I manage, but I can't be at true ease with him.

It is indeed very hard to stay once you have a reminder of what it is like to be with someone who does not behave so extremely, and have a glimpse at an easier/happier existence.

If you are staying for the kids how long do you intend to carry on?

warmly, pearl.

I am so very happy for you! That is really great to hear! :)

I am in the same situation. My fiancé has BPD. We have a daughter together. I don’t look at her the same. I can’t even get myself to sleep in the same bed as her. We do have sexual intercourse and interaction still. I feel like I love her, but do I love her or do I love my beginning perception of her. It actually hurts me to feel this way, because I want to love her like I used to, but after everything she’s put me though, I can’t. I’ve been physically and psychologically abused so much that I feel like a different person. The real me wouldn’t never let this happen.

Right now, I’m saying until I can support my kids. If he acts out and tries to deny me finical support I won’t be at his mercy.

Initially I was hoping this Autumn/Winter.

But for me to leave would mean open up Pandora’s box and I’m not quite ready for that.

Many members struggle with finding the confidence and energy to focus on personal growth, especially if they have been with a pwBPD for years.  The fact that you are able to recognize this need and dedicate yourself to it is excellent, and bodes well for your future, whatever path you take.

I understand that you've got nothing to give romantically to your husband right now.  How are things in the parenting department?  What are his strengths and contributions like in that area?  You'll share children regardless of the fate of the marriage.  Do you have a good parenting collaboration or if there are issues what are they?

WW

He wasn’t involved in parenting until the end of 2017. Now that he’s taking a more active lead we struggle to agree. He’s great for ‘fin’ Parenting things. But he expects more then they’re capable of. He was found guilty of child abuse this month when I called CPS on him. He no longer allowed to spank or use physical punishment of any sort. He can have better days but most days he gets overwhelmed and frustrated. And he often fight my routine and rules. I spent a lot f time doing research and working with teachers and therapists to get the kids on a great routine and he feels it’s just an inconvenience. We often argue. Yesterday was a bad day. He was mad I didn’t want sex, mad I didn’t serve dinner a certain way, mad about laundry, mad that the kids ruined his house... .

It’s hard when you know you’d never be with someone this toxic willingly and yet here you are. My husband didn’t display these symptoms until after I was married and we had a child.
Of I could go back and stop this relationship from happening I would. It’s caused myself and my children so much pain.

Hi Jade_alexander,

I have that feeling that there was some kind of bait and switch involved at times, but I try to let it go when  I can, that sense that had I known I wouldn't have let myself be subjected to this.  Mental illness is not easy to decipher I think.

I know it is hard. We can't go back. I feel like some of the consequences of choosing to be with him could haunt me for a long time, other times I feel like I'd be over this in a week.

Have you tried any of the tools yet? I wonder if any of them could help you your conversations with him?

SET (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0)

Validation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0)

warmly, pearl.

I haven’t yet, just trying to stay out of his way. Once his moods settle again I can try.

You're getting great support here from pearlsw, maried, I_Am_The_Fire, ILuvABorderline, and raiano18!

Honestly, it sounds like enough work for three women in your house!  I'm sorry to hear of all you're coping with.  

The tools we teach here vary from relatively simple changes that you can use even under adverse circumstances to head off conflict, to more complicated ones that require more practice.  I'm thinking, even given where you feel you're currently headed, that a couple of the more simple tools would be useful to you in reducing the level of drama and wear and tear on you.  :)oes that sound worthwhile?  Can I suggest one to start with?

WW

Yes we can try.

There was an awful fight last night. Now I replay it over and over to see what was a real concern vs his skewed perspective. He feels used and lonely because he’s trying to get better and I still have no desire to be around him. He feels I avoid him and I never engage him. He’s correct about it, but he fails to hold himself accountable. In his memory he was the victim and I should empathize with him. Even though he was harsh, abysive ans selfish with me. He also accuses me of manipulating everyone against him. Something I can’t do, he has a deputation HE built. So now I’ve got a headache, I’m tired and I’n Depressed... .he also made a mess out of the livingroom when he was mad and I have to clean it.

A relationship researcher, John Gottman, has an excellent book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, in which he says:


This is the terminal stage in a relationship... .it takes a real effort to break through this... .

I understand your upset regarding accountability, as this is something I'm currently addressing with my wife and a lot of outside help for abuse that happened in our relationship.  It has been months, and has been much harder going than I thought.  She has had some success learning about her behaviors, but has not yet been able to see the impact they had on me or stop seeing herself as a victim as well.  I am realizing that in order to be successful coparents, I may need to give more into the situation than I had been planning to before accountability was established.  In my mind, accountability had always come first, but the necessities of caring for the children in the best way possible (even though we are separated) seem to require me to reexamine my expectations a bit.  That does not mean I need to give my heart before I am ready -- the bar on that remains high.

It's really a lot to ask someone to just stuff abuse memories and soldier on.  Validation of your experience is important.  Your experience was real, and acknowledgement of that is an important step in recovery.  When you say that he is not accountable, what are the things you most wish he would own up to?  If you are willing, it might help to share some of the details of the abuse with us.  Here's how I did it:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=320499.msg12935462#msg12935462
You can read the story from the beginning if you scroll to the top of the thread.

WW

I’ve been sexually abused, he forced things I didn’t consent to, or would harass me into sexual acts I hated. I would start hyperventilating durning sex and panicking because I was so scared. He ruined our sex life, I enjoy sex but I usually cringe and cry while we have it. He brushes these things aside, I’m just overly sensitive and I should just trust him.

No one should EVER force their partner to participate in something unwillingly.

He’s been physically abusive. I’ve been hit, choked, thrown around. His last major episode I was 9 months pregnant and terrified. He destroyed furniture and I was so afraid he was going to hurt me and the baby. I was trying to call for help but my phone wasn’t working. He apologized lasted but it was too late... .

He’s verbally abusive, name calling, puts me down... .i get lectures about all my faults.

He’s emotionally abusive. I’m a selfish and lazy parent. I’m a terrible wife. My friends can’t stand me because I’m such a bad friend... .i’m Subjected to this type of talk regularly. He doesn’t consider this abuse, just factual information he’s sharing with me.

The worst is he looks back and doesn’t remember half of it. The parts he recalls he usually justifies ‘we’ll i didn’t feel loved. If you weren’t so selfish I would have calmed down’

He managed to be the victim most of the time. Occasionally he takes ownership.

The last time he hit physical was with our child. I had the cops come and document it, CPS was involved too. Then he got mad at me for presenting a false perception, he wasn’t abusive... .I just made it look abusive. He was found guilty of child abuse by CPS and we haven’t discussed it. I have a restraining order ready to go whenever I decide to use it.

I’ve been stonewalling for years, it’s how I survived. I only let that wall down for my affair partner, he was good at giving me some normalcy but ultimately my affair only fueled the fire for my husband’s need to play victim.

Last night it was rubbed in my face yet again, he may have been difficult for year but I had an affair so obviously I’m the bad guy.

Having a child with someone with BPD is life changing. Sometimes I don't know if me changing a diaper will set her off! I also agree, if we do end up splitting up, I will be left damaged. Luckily, I still have my self confidence, but will I ever want to be with another girl again? I have no trust for ANYONE anymore, and to even think about opening up to a new relationship scares me. I was NEVER a jealous person before I was with her, now I am. And I think its because I've been accused of every possible thing in the world, so the thought of it happening to me is always there. I cant even go to the store without being questioned, and if she leaves and im home alone, I have to be on the phone with her until she gets to her destination. She tries to make plans for me while shes not home, so that I have no alone time. Now, that I realize this, I make sure to have alone time. I avoid her 25 phone calls as soon as she leaves the house because I was "busy". Everything about our relationship has made me a different person. My daughter has matured me into a loving father, but my fiancé has ruined my image of love, beyond belief, and that hurts.

I can relate to this SO much. I was bitter and hurt and broken. I wanted out of my marriage, away from him and I never wanted another person to be close to me again. I was DONE! I was damaged in ways I didn’t think I could heal.

Then he came back into my life. I let myself open up, I was terrified but I did it. I let myself feel for once, I allowed myself to be venerable. It didn’t come easily, it wasn’t romantic... .more of like exposure therapy. Facing my anxiety, knowing I was deeply attached to another human was terror. Then I realized after a long time I loved him. I allowed myself to love him. And I even told him.

When it ended I thought  I’d be destroyed. But i wasnt. There is pain, but also a lot of good. I learned I could love again, I could trust again, that I’m still desirable and interesting. I had turned off so many aspects of my personality to make the husband happy, it felt freeing to think for myself again. I started reading, painting, writing... .I decided to start working... .so the affair did spur some personal growth.

It’s over now and I’m still recovering from that heart ache. But i know the next time I’m ready that relationship will be good.

This is a HUGE turn around from my attitude before. And I’ve had to put a ton of effort back into myself.

So don’t think how you feel right now if how you will always feel. You’re still grieving and reactive. It has its place, but have hope that when the time is right you can move forward. There is a possibility to healthy relationships in your future.

Thanks for sharing.  I'm sorry to hear about all you've been through.  Can you remind us when the last time he was physically abusive was?  Have any new behaviors emerged or gotten worse since he stopped using the physical abuse tactic?

Can you give us some detail on a common situation in which he's verbally abusive?  Time of day, location, who's present, what he says, what you do in response, etc.  The direction I'm working is to try to figure out a way to reduce your exposure without escalating things.  I'm sure you've tried various responses, so let us know your thoughts on that.

WW

After being in a relationship with someone with BPD it changes your whole perspective of things. I often think about how I COULD find someone else, someone who would love me like I should be, someone who would appreciate everything I do, someone who could cook me dinner once in a while, or clean or do anything, but I let myself stay in my current situation, for my daughter. Its a tough place im in.