BPDFamily.com

Last weekend while I was out running errands, my boyfriend of 13 months took all of his things, left my key and left me. He sent me a two line email. The day after he left he started begging me to forgive him, this is the third time he’s vanished from my life but the other times he didn’t take his things or didn’t have anything at my house. He has gone from being totally silent to obsessively texting me. Right now it’s been 2 full days and no texts .
I say He has BPD but in truth he hasn’t been diagnosed nor does he think he has something seriously wrong with him. In all I have Shared with a close friend who was in a long time relationship with BPD, and everything I can Find online it seems he has the exact signs  I feel for him truly. Deep down he is a wonderful person and I kNow he cannot help probably everything that he’s doing I’m heartbroken. I loved Him more than I have Ever loved anyone before.

*welcome*

Welcome to bpdfamily!  I found your post because I saw that you'd replied to another member to give her support for her situation.  It's fantastic that you're reaching out to support others so quickly after arriving.

That must have been such a shock to have him disappear like that after more than a year together.  Despite the shock and sadness, it sounds like you are ready to claim space for yourself and not allow him to jump back in.  When we love someone with BPD, it can be hard to look out for ourselves, and relationship cycles are common.  Good for you to show him that you're not the kind of person who can be left in the dust one day and reconnected with the next day.

Have you had a chance to look at the Detaching lessons in the right-hand sidebar?  There is lots of help there.

What kind of relationship and what level of contact (if any) do you want with him going forward, or is it too early to know?

WW

Thank you :)
Now that I am Out of the relationship I can See soo many signs that were glaring. He’s more than a “little needy and insecure” he would text me endlessly and if I was Busy at work he would be upset that he didn’t matter enough. He constantly wanted to talk about our relationship- did I miss him? How much did I love Him? Are we going to get married someday? And on and on. This was daily... .over and over. He started to pick at Little things to “find fault” - I didnt Text him to tell him I loves Him that day, I would Scroll back through our texts and show him - yes I told You twice and sent you a heart... .he would say yes but you sent me a purple one and red means love. This would go on and on over the stupidest things. I honestly Feel like I have PTSD.
When he left I needed Answers and I spent a ton of time looking for them. I felt So hopeful- I had Found the answers and if he works on himself and can make changes it can literally change his entire life. Even if we don’t end up together he can maybe be less insecure, less lonely, and be in a healthier place mentally... .but his response was very nonchalant. It didn’t seem to even faze him. All he keeps asking is for me to promise to take him back, which I wont Do. He needs to do the work but seems he doesn’t want to, or doesn’t see the problems. I’m broken-hearted, he was my best friend and I truly loved him more than anyone I have Ever been in a relationship with. Just the week prior he brought up us getting married (not the first time) and days later he left. I need To heal my broken heart, but will not remain on this crazy roller coaster

I am so sorry for your broken heart.  Do you have friends and family who you are close with who you can spend time with to help fill the void he has left?  Are there hobbies or fun activities that were pushed by the wayside during your relationship that you can find joy in taking up again?

WW

Hi Wend1206,

*welcome*

I’d like to join Wentworth and welcome you to the family. I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you to this forum.


Wow that has to be really tough  Is like to echo Wentworth do you have family and friends that you can spend time with? How is your sleep and appetite? Are you sleeping and eating enough? Hang in there.

Yes I’m very lucky to have an awesome support group. I’ve been practicing yoga for 7 years, so have been going to more classes to get quiet and just try to release the stress. I haven’t heard from him since Friday and while part of me wants to just send a text to see if he’s ok, I also think that could be worse for him. I’m likely a trigger and will make it worse by contacting him.
A few weeks ago, he told me out of the blue he was going to leave for a few days to pack(he lives an hour and a half away). I was at an event for my daughter at her school after work and he was at my house. He kept texting me back and forth how he was leaving and would see me in a few days and i said to drive safe and let me know he got there Ok. This went back and forth quite a few times. When i got home he was there and said he was too tired to drive . He told me a week before he left me that he made the whole thing up that night wanting me to say - no, don’t go stay... .i told him to grow up. This was prior to knowing about BPD. Then Father’s Day he was going back to see his kids - very in and off relationships with them and to stay a few days to pack. He was supposed to move in with me by July 1 which was when his lease was up. Moving in was entirely his idea, but it was clear he wasn’t ready. First he told me he lease ended May 30, then it was June 30 and a few days before he left me he said the moving company wasn’t free until Aug so he just extend his lease until then. I called him on it and told him it was totally fine not to move and he got really agitated and said no! We’ve been together a year, I need to see you everyday. I cant Sleep without you at night.  I told Him that sounded very dysfunctional and he may say he wants to move but his actions say otherwise. After the second day he was gone he told me he was leaving to come back becaUe he couldn’t be without me. This was before he told me the movers weren’t free until Aug, so be didn’t have much time until the end of June. I was Getting frustrated because he was adamant about moving but was dragging his feet to get it done. While he was gone I was Putting laundry away and noticed every single thing in the closet that he had was gone - he had an entire side of my closet that was filled. I checked His dresser and again the entire dresser empty. His nightstand, empty, all of his bathroom toiletries gone. I was So upset and called him and he told me no, no he was coming back. He took it all to “get organized “ I said even your socks and underwear? It made no sense at all. Either he wasn’t planning on coming back or he wanted me to react. He said I didnt Take everything - he had left his tv which wasn’t hooked up yet, and a few things in the kitchen that he insisted on bringing. When he finally did leave me, he took the tv so maybe he only came back to get it who knows. He came back on a Thursday, everything seemed ok. I left Sat morning to run a few errands, kisses him goodbye and told him I would be back in an hour or so and left. Both of my teenage daughters were home. He showered, took his tv,
The few things he had brought back and left me. I wonder If he ever really intended to move, and if he was going back every week or so because he had someone else? I read That’s common with BPD’s... .he was begging me to take him back until
He stopped contacting me two days ago.

Wow, all of those mixed signals must have been confusing.  I bet him leaving suddeny brings up a whole mix of different emotions.  Have you had time to catch your breath and get in touch with how you're feeling?

WW

I am Trying to... .I’m sad and angry. But I have No mixed emotions over getting back together with him. I am 47 years old and he’s 59 and never have been in such a crazy relationship before. I do Not miss the billions of texts constantly. For a non BPD it’s so hard to make some sort of sense of it all... .

It sure can be hard to make sense of it all.  That is good that you are clear on what you want.  Relationships with a pwBPD have a way of turning things upside down.  What's normal with them is different from what would be normal between two nons.  You've got the benefit of life experience before you met him, which helps you better understand what's healthy and what's not.  As you adjust to "life after," are you recognizing more things that were "off" in your relationship?

WW

Yes! Now that I’m out of it I notice a million things. Even though I’m clear that we are done I’m still mourning the loss of us and our life together... .it’s hard. I couldnt sleep so made a fb account since he blocked mine just to look at his wall and see if it would shed any light. He started a new job back near where he lives 2 days after he left... .which means he plotted and planned the entire leaving ... .it makes it even more crazy

My uBPDexgf exhibited very similar behaviors until she finally left me for good 10 months ago. She lived with me, and a few times had packed up her stuff over very trivial things. I didn't understand it at all and had asked her why the slightest thing could elicit such a scorched earth response, and she replied "it's all bad, everything" which further confounded me. I didn't understand "black and white thinking" at the time. Only when I found this site after her final departure did it make sense.

After a few times packing her things, she actually left me the first time at the 9 month mark. It was in one of her dark moments where she had an intense reaction over, again, something very trivial. I did not try to stop her, and I did not contact her after she left. I only offered to help her with some stuff to her car if she wanted it. She declined. She sent a few follow up emails apologizing and telling me it would take some time for both of us to get over it, wishing me well. I responded with a few short words, basically telling her I hoped she would find peace and happiness.

She called me the following morning crying, wanting to get back together. I told her she couldn't move back in, but we could start over, and we did. Little did I know that she was lying to me on the phone about being at a friend's house, and she was at her ex boyfriend's house. I did not find this out until 7 months later when she was, again, living with me and having another emotional outburst.

I had made it clear to her that if she ever walked out again, there was no 3rd chance. She actually packed her car again, once, took off for a half hour, then returned in tears. Foolishly, I comforted her and let her back in. There were at least a half dozen other times where she was "packing her stuff" inside, like she was getting ready to leave. I'd find her side of the medicine cabinet cleaned out, drawers empty, etc. Bear in mind we did not have any bad fights. We were not like that. There were a few mild squabbles that any couple, together every single day of the week, would have.

She left me for good under the guise of going on vacation (she's retired). She called a few times crying on her way to her destination, lonely, but after she reached where she was going she was essentially starting a new life, and told me "you can see other people now." It was bizarre, and I wished her well and never saw her or spoke to her again. She is very ill, and it still makes me sad. I did love her dearly and I still miss her despite what she did to me.

Just thought I would share because I understand how you feel. I wish you good luck. I am basically your same age.

That's the paradox of what you're experiencing -- that you have clarity that it's over, but mourn the loss.  It is absolutely hard.  Have you had other breakups before?  If so, how does it play out for you?  Are there various stages to your healing?  What helps you weather the loss better?

WW