Print Page - She attacked me with knives

My (29yM) girlfriend (25 years old F)
for the last 7 years was diagnosed with Impulsive borderline disorder, but she has denied having it and refused to discuss about it or to have any treatment.

I am new to all this, and reading about Impulsive BPD, she seems to have all of the characteristics.

She cutted her wrists in highschool, she once took heroin, many times she took other types of lighter drugs

she was constantly regarded and elected as the Beauty Queen of her Highschool.

She started many universities and many jobs, usually giving up after first 2-4 weeks. Now she has her first job where she stayed for more than 6 months,
because she has a high salary.

She made up past rape and past "I was abused".

Yes, what kept me on next to her was that I started to care for her, try to help her, and she spent every day with me wherever we went
and travelled often all over Europe.

She isolated me from all my friends, often she would say horrible things like "You beat up kids! They are not your friends, they hate you or they don't care about you,
you are too old," and many of such insults.

Of course, after just few hours, she would initiate passionate sex with me, and the sex was mindblowing usually. Sometimes though she looked
totally disengaged, and she would say weird things while we were making love, like "I am thinking to have kids with this gypsy guy
from work that never talks to anyone"

She insists sometimes to drink alcohol, and she becomes very violent after alcohol.

Now comes the worst parts:

When she was convinced she was pregnant with me, she started to threaten me "I will make sure your daughter or your son will hunt you down all your life
and destroy you" and she hitted me impulsively with knives over my face, cutting my nose, scarring my cheek and I was just 2 cm close
to losing one of my eyeballs.

She was not pregnant however, it was just more paranoia from her.

I am trying to detail, although English is not my native language, and as we spent such a large portion of our lives being together,
I was hoping that she becomes saner with time, however this was not the case, she is stressed, violent, uses insults and ways to
make me look like a monster in front of others although none of the horrible stories she tells are true,

and from 90% sweetness, maternal like love, passion, cuteness when we started our relationship,

now it is rather 5% of all the good things, and 95% of extreme insults, violence against me, provocations, breaking up with me
and then messaging me desperately after 2 days to help her with her imagined new recurring illnesses (she imagines she has recurrent candidosis,
which is not the case, and she takes no treatment, but she tells to doctors about it and then blames the doctors as incompetent)

I am very grateful for all your ideas, and how to be able to improve or save this relationship.

Thank you very much

Hi childhoodgone,

*welcome*

Oh my! There is a lot to talk about here. Sorry you dealing with so many difficult issues in your relationship!

First, I want to ask, is she physically threatening your safety? How often does the violence occur? Do you have a way to safely remove yourself from the situation when she behaves this way?

So, she also makes false accusations against you? Again, can you tell us more about that. What is she saying and who is she saying it to?

Can you explain more about the past rape and abuse that may or may not have been true?

Are you isolated? Do you have any friends or family you can turn to for support in addition to us here?

with compassion, pearl.

Thank you very much for your warm welcome.

It may sound unusual, but it feels like I am finally in the right place, and I value so much
the fact that you exist and you can answer and guide me a little.

There is so much to tell, I do regret very much that I did not come to this board earlier.
If I would only have known about it, so much pain and sufferring would have been avoided I think.

In all these years when she spent most of her time every day with me, she has pushed away, scared,
and made afraid my friends, by saying absurd things about me and about them
(for example about a friend of mine that is University teacher at the second most prestigious university in my town,
she said about him several times that he is a "dumb midget"
and it is a my city is a "sheethole" if it allowed him to become a teacher)

and as a result now I am very worn out, tired, and unfortunately isolated from the rest of the world.

People that did not know me very well have believed her anger outbursts and have avoided us.

About physical safety:

Yes, she physically threatened my safety more than a dozen times.

I don't know how usual is this, but she switched reality and facts so much as sometimes I even started to believe the insane things
she said.

Few of the worst attacks that I can remember are:

- jumping naked in bed next to me, pushing her ass in my face, violently trying to put objects inside my ass
while I was shocked and trying to defend myself and saying all the time "NO! NO!", then she farted close to my face

- several times hitting me with her bag, impulsively out of the blue, because she got very angry at something I said

- jumping with her feet on my head one time when she woke up at night again because she could not sleep
(she had many months in which her program of sleeping was 5am - 2pm usually, followed by 3pm - 10pm job)

- another time when she tried violently to push a brush inside my ass, to show me forcefully how "being raped" feels

- hitting me with the knives over the face, breaking down my glasses, my glasses being the only lucky reason
why at this moment I still have eyesight and I am not blind

Now you will wonder why I invested so many years and so much time spending day by day with her.

She has been my only very long term relationship, she asked me to marry her, to have children, we postponed these plans
for the future, but stayed together at 99% of the times.

We did break up with each other around 20 times, because of the things she did were indeed unacceptable,
but each time she contacted me back again usually after just 1-3 days

I finished two universities and I was highly educated, however almost all my rest of my life and my career
was pushed apart by the takeover that the BPD girlfriend has done, pushing everyone away from me.

She would very often enter spirals of anxiety and stressed anger, talking for hours, making just negative remarks,
especially when I was seeing things in a lighter, more peaceful way.

Many discussions would last for hours, get increasingly more absurd, and at the end of the night
she would walk on streets screaming at me "Just imagine your mother dying! Jump from this bridge for me!"
and "You will die!"

I have also a big question to anyone who can give his opinion, I will appreciate very much.

For first 3 years of relationship, she constantly talked obsessively about her exboyfriend, with whom she has been from age of 14 to 19 years old.
She said they agreed to breakup after she broke his head with his mobile phone, left him bleeding,
and then he hidded her shaving razors, to stop her from cutting herself.

She was idealizing her exboyfriend constantly, saying how they shared everything together, how she was jealous only on his male friends,

but mainly about how he was able to give her everytime very strong anal sex orgasms.

And how I am not good in bed compared to her exboyfriend.

So for these 3 first years where the main subject of her initiated discussions were always her exboyfriend and how
good total and brutal sex had with him that was very satisfying, and how they were discussing having 3some but never completed it.

Why she never tried to get back together with him?

Why she stayed with me, whom I was almost never able to give her brutal sex at the intensity she asked me for?

Why if she had such a good relationship with her exbf and such good sex, she never tried to contact him or reconnect with him?

I completed two universities and had been considered a good nice man all my life.

I am in a very long term relationship with my gf who is 25 years old with Impulsive Borderline Disorder, but she refuses
to acknowledge it, denies violently the BPD diagnosis.

What I do not understand is why the more I help her (for example I took time off my job for 3 days, just to go with her
to all the doctors that she wanted, and get prescriptions. Most doctors however said there is nothing wrong with her legs,
with her bladder, or with her veins, and she had agressive outbursts towards them, that they are "incompetent!",

the more I help her

the more she abuses me, insults me, hits me,
and then breaks up with me for few days ("You annoy me so much, I can't stand you! You are idiot, analphabet
and you stink! I break up with you!",
and then after 2 days usually she starts recontacting me again in a completely changed,
cute warm way ("What is my sweetie doing? Let's go eat something delicious!"

I can't possibly understand why she is doing this.

She doesn't keep promises she makes, she rarely if ever does something that I would enjoy,
at any of my health problems she responds invariably with "my legs hurt too" but she looks completely indifferent,
so there is no reciprocity at the helping, nor at the supporting part.

I don't understand why she abuses me, insults me and breaks up with me the hour after I solve all her complicated urgent problems,
like for example all the bus, train and flight connections and tickets for a two ways trip abroad that she took,
only to send me after 2-3 days sweet, warm messages again.

Hi childhoodgone,

Welcome to the family here. You've come to a good place to learn and talk with people who understand what you are living with.

Quote from: childhoodgone on July 03, 2018, 04:43:06 AM

I can't possibly understand why she is doing this.

People who live with BPD or many of the traits of it, often create a lot of conflict and confusion in the lives of the people who are closest to them. You are right. It is very hard to understand.

BPD is a complex, complicated mental illness. It's often not a deliberate conscious choice to act or behave in ways that create conflict and confusion, it's more of a reaction to very intense, harmfully intense emotional swings.

Does that make sense?

My experience was that at the very bottom of all the difficult behaviors I lived with was, shame and fear. Fear of not being good enough, fear of being hurt, fear of not getting her needs met.

Can I ask you? When she abuses you, insults you, hits you? What do you do? How do you respond?

Learning the skills and tools to cope with a mental illness is not easy. None of us understood what was going on when we first got here. Understanding what we were dealing with and how to respond does help.

I am glad you are here with us.

'ducks

Thank you very much for being warm and welcoming.

She was considered the most beautiful girl in her high school and she was admired for her beauty, why
would she fear that she is not good enough?

This is a good question you asked:

"Can I ask you? When she abuses you, insults you, hits you? What do you do? How do you respond?"

When she insults me, I usually do not respond.
But it hurts me and it makes me feel bad. It is stressfull and anxiety inducing.

Other times I respond rationally and logically and I prove with rational arguments, for example
when she screams at me "Analphabet idiot, you stink!" I explain that it would be hard for me
have my job, my university studies that I completed and the very wellpaid career that I have, if I would be
an "Analphabet idiot" and also that nobody ever told me anything like that in my life.
So I explain and defend myself. It doesn't work.

Whenever she often falls in this negative spirals, I have found nothing that can get her out,
except the passing of the time, although it can last for constant waves of negativity for many hours,
and then she storms out and leaves.

When she impulsively hits me, I instantly leave. Sometimes she follows me and screams at me insane things like
"You cannot leave, because you will do this to other girls!". Last time I left and that was all.

Quote from: childhoodgone on July 03, 2018, 06:28:55 AM

She was considered the most beautiful girl in her high school and she was admired for her beauty, why
would she fear that she is not good enough?

The simple answer is because it's an illness childhoodgone. people who have this illness do not process the information of life quite the same way you and I would. people with BPD have extreme emotions and extreme black and white thinking. just as you are either the best boyfriend in the world, the greatest person ever or the worst boyfriend in the world, that is how she feels about most things. things and people are either the most wonderful, or the worst ever. and that includes herself. I would take a guess that the sex she enjoys is her way of making her outside events match her inside feelings.

Quote from: childhoodgone on July 03, 2018, 06:28:55 AM

So I explain and defend myself. It doesn't work.

No it wouldn't work. as odd as this may sound, it's because it's not about the facts, it not about the rational stuff. It's all about the feelings. for a person with BPD feelings equal facts. for a person with BPD if I feel bad, if I feel ignored, then you, the boyfriend must be doing something wrong.

simply put: people with BPD have intense emotions about everything and the strong belief that those feelings are caused by external events.

Hi childhoodgone,

The behaviors and obsessions of your girlfriend are very troubling. I can understand how hard it can be once you have entered a relationship to know what to do when you encounter such extreme behaviors. We are often naturally trusting and think the person will see reason and maybe even stop doing such things. Her obsessions and emotional extremes appear to be very dangerous and unhealthy.

Have you been able to work with a therapist in your area to help you with these issues?

I don't doubt she may have tried to get back with the ex, but after she "broke his head with a mobile phone and left him bleeding" he had likely had enough.

Does she ever treat you in kinder ways? Or is she always acting so destructively?

How do you feel about her? How do you feel about being with her? How is your self-esteem doing while in this relationship?

with compassion, pearl.

Quote from: babyducks on July 03, 2018, 06:40:37 AM

I would take a guess that the sex she enjoys is her way of making her outside events match her inside feelings.

It's all about the feelings. for a person with BPD feelings equal facts. for a person with BPD if I feel bad, if I feel ignored, then you, the boyfriend must be doing something wrong.

simply put: people with BPD have intense emotions about everything and the strong belief that those feelings are caused by external events.

This is very helpful, and thank you for really helping me understand.

As she went to long ways to deny and got extremely angry agressive and very firm
the times when I reminded her that she should treat her impulsive borderline, I was afraid to even bring the subject.

The problem that I see now, is if her feelings are "facts", and she keeps on obsessively repeating very untrue Imagined or very modified
things about the distant past, like for example "you kept me locked in the basement"

(the reality was that we painted together the basement of a house that also had a large garden
communicating directly with it, and one day when it was raining outside, I didn't manage to find for 2 minutes the keys.

So we were both locked in this garden and basement (under the open sky) for 2 minutes. Of course she doesn't say the 2 minutes
part to anybody and that we were both locked and couldn't find the keys

Unfortunately all the people that she talks to and tells them this story obsessively "he kept me locked in basement" she makes it sound
like it was 6 months, not 2 minutes, and she totally ignores all the other details, just in order to paint me as a monster, of course everyone is shocked
and tells her that she should go to the authorities.

Any idea what I can do about this?

She gets attention and care from everyone when she tells this fake "abuse" story, and it destroys my image

Quote from: Wentworth on July 03, 2018, 11:56:59 PM

You have described some rather serious incidents of physical abuse from her. The first priority is to firmly establish your safety. :)o you live together?

WW

At this moment we are in a pause, so no at this moment we don't live together.

but even the simple fact of taking away my mattress few days ago when I moved somewhere else,
caused her to send me hateful messages and call me a "criminal" and that she is sending the authorities to destroy me.

We lived together in different flats and houses all over Europe for the last almost 7 years, and she has always followed me
to every country where my job has taken me.

However her behaviours have continued to get worse and worse over time, she never managed to keep her promises
of not being violent, and her friends and family have become increasingly supportive of her,
because she is really good at painting me to look like some gigantic monster in front of everyone else,
with false abuse stories.

4 years ago we painted the white walls of a garden that was connected also to a garage type of "basement" that had 3 doors.
For 2 minutes I could not find the keys of one door to this complex of under the open sky garden and garage - basement.
So for 2 minutes we were both locked there.

She tells to everybody, to all her friends and family, obsessively "He kept me locked in the basement"
making anyone believe she was locked for 6 months or something like that

never detailing that both of us were there, that we were under the open sky, that it was a huge place, and that I didn't find the keys for 2 minutes
and that was all

It is easy to see how alone if it would be only this false accusation "He kept me locked in the basement"
affects my image, my reputation and my life

But there are hundreds of other insane things like this

Roughly 5% - 10% of the time, she treats me almost with maternal instinct, which I never had experienced in my life.

The few times when she insisted to wash me herself in the shower, to kiss me before falling asleep, to cover me in bed,
are the things that at this moment bring tears in my eyes.

These rare but good positive moments she calls me very cute petnames, tells me the stories of what hapenned at her work,
makes plans for our future, asks me "what other geniuses ideas do you have (my petname)?"
or that I sing the most beautiful songs in the world

Also she tells me stuff like "I love you the most in the world my sweet (petname)" (this she did 1 or 2 this year)

I have my eyes drowning in tears right now, realizing that I feel loved mainly when the girlfriend treats me like a loving mother that I never had

Quote from: childhoodgone on July 04, 2018, 01:51:56 AM

She gets attention and care from everyone when she tells this fake "abuse" story, and it destroys my image

Hey Childhoodgone,

And that's exactly why she tells the stories.

Have you had a chance to read about the Karpman Drama Triangle? This is a good article with explains how the dynamic works:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Sometimes we actively participate in the drama triangle and sometimes our pwBPD moves us around the triangle via their delusional thoughts (the basement). She is likely firmly in the victim spot, you have been placed in the perpetrator spot and the friends act as emotional rescuers. There's very little you can do about being placed in the perpetrator spot in this case where the facts are actually delusional. I often look back at my own relationship and see that the times when we had the most connection were when my W had someone else (or thing) placed as a perpetrator and I was her rescuer. I often played along with her delusions of being victimised just to get that connection. Do you attempt to correct the narrative by 'telling her' the facts? I wonder if there's a better way for you to ask her to clarify the facts, get her to unwrap her own delusion. Rather than telling her she is wrong, allow her to work that our herself.

The feeling of entrapment and imprisonment is very very common given that a pwBPD feels that nothing, even their own emotions are in their control.

Enabler

She becomes very agressive and violent when I try to say about that year that we spent in beautiful exotic country that look at our photos
how happy you looked and how we went in all these exotic places and you were dancing on the beach and jumping in the water
and you were so happy. She did not even look at the photos when I sent her.
because the only one thing that she wants to obsessively repeat is "you locked me in the basement" and "you are a monster for what you did to me"
although it has zero connection with reality.

But what bewilders me very much is how she finds something that I truly hate, (for example icecold hands on my stomach bare skin)
and then she tris to do only that , what I hate, non stop fopr even months, begging me to let her do it, that it makes her happy to do that,
and she chooses often exactly what she notices that I dislike the most.

I cannot understand it. Why she actively searches for what makes me hurt, feel bad and attacked, only to repeteadly do it?

She wants you to feel as bad as she feels... .and internally she feels pretty bad about herself. In fact (and I use that word loosely) she's felt so bad for so long (probably since early teens) and thinks about that bad feeling constantly. Her only escape is to share the misery.

I noted on one of your other threads that she liked to insert things in you... .to make you feel what it's like to be raped. Although you say she faked a rape claim, do you know of any sexual abuse when she was younger?

Stopping her from doing things to you, your body, your time and your money is NOT WRONG. She may claim that you are wrong for not letting her do these things / protecting yourself but this is part of the disorder. pwBPD often like to have complete control over their partners, this serves a couple of purposes, complete controls means you wont abandon her, complete control means you will serve her NEEDS. Often it feels like we are just an extension of them where they have minimal consideration of our personal and emotional needs. Sufferers often come across as very narcissistic since their primary focus is survival and meeting their own emotional and practical needs. As the 'non' (person without the disorder) we often struggle to say "NO", "STOP" or "I'M UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THAT", since their reaction is one that implies we don't love them, we're abusing them, we're harming them. it takes a lot of personal clarity (which is very difficult when you have been on the emotional rollercoaster for so long) to draw the line (boundary) and stick to it. This is why people often refer to pwBPD as "Boundary bashers".

What do you feel are the primary things you need to change in the relationship?

I am very grateful, your help is immense, the fact that you care and you are empathetic in helping me
means extremely much to me now.

I am affected by all what she does and has torn apart my life, and made me look 15 years older than I was before I met her.

Now it makes sense, why she would always only focus on the evil, dark, bad side of everything,
saying constantly that "love, positive thinking, positive messages" are all just total brainless manipulative crap that
is very "kitsch"

I protected myself when she tried to forcefully insert things in me, yes she did say once or twice that a school colleague
that was her age also, put his hand in her panties at some 6th grade late party, but I have no idea about the truth behind it,
I would say there is a higher than 50% probability that it is partly true.while doing targeted prostitution, because she had
unprotected sex with different faithful clients of prostitutes),
because she got "sick and tired" of everyone thinking she is a "beautiful and good princess", to prove that she is not
(this is how she explained it) and then said that this was a important fantasy for her (being a prostitute)
that she had to fulfill.

I am not sure how I would be able to change anything, if basically all the time I am to blame for everything (for the roads that are
not very good, for the cars that cross like crazy, for the imperfect healthcare system, etc) and she is just a constant "victim"

Quote from: childhoodgone on July 04, 2018, 02:29:29 AM

I have my eyes drowning in tears right now, realizing that I feel loved mainly when the girlfriend treats me like a loving mother that I never had

Hi childhoodgone,

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so sad!

Is it okay if I ask about your mother? Did you lose her or she was unable to raise you... .or? Did you really lose your childhood somehow?

I am sorry that you did not have a maternal figure. I did not have one for a big part of my life. There is certainly something missing when we do not have our parents.

So, about 5-10% of the time she treats you in ways that make you feel good?

I wanted to pick up on something else you said earlier. She has told you to jump from a bridge for her? Did she want you to die? Was she pushing you to commit suicide? Does she often pressure you to do dangerous things?

Also, would you say that she is pressuring you into sexual acts that you do not want to engage in?

I hope this isn't too many questions at once! Just take your time and tell us what you want to at your own pace.

with deep compassion, pearl.

hi childhoodgone,

I answered your other thread before I read this one... .I should have read both of them before I answered. Let me take another swing at it.

Quote from: childhoodgone on July 04, 2018, 01:51:56 AM

Unfortunately all the people that she talks to and tells them this story obsessively "he kept me locked in basement" she makes it sound like it was 6 months, not 2 minutes, and she totally ignores all the other details, just in order to paint me as a monster, of course everyone is shocked and tells her that she should go to the authorities.

Any idea what I can do about this?

Enabler gave you some good ideas. let me try to expand on them.

Quote from: childhoodgone on July 04, 2018, 04:55:10 AM

and she is just a constant "victim"

Right ! she is the constant victim. that's the spot on the drama triangle where she feels most comfortable. being the victim is where she feels most at home. you don't want to feed the drama with a person this emotional. you don't want to rescue,... you don't want to put any more energy into the drama. when the role stops 'paying off' for her in attention and care she will move to something else.

does that make sense?

so how do you not put any more energy into this drama? when it comes up be deliberately low key. don't justify. don't argue. don't debate. don't explain. "oh that again? we've talked about that, and I see it very differently than you do". don't try and convince her of your reality. don't provide an audience. don't give her an outlet to dump her negative feelings. if some one other than her comes to you with the story, again stay deliberately low key... .shrug it off. "oh that story... .boy that's really grown bigger with the retelling of it".

the more you defend, explain, justify the more energy you give to it,... .the more you fuel the fire... .

'ducks

[quote author=childhoodgone link=topic=326666.msg12980547#msg12980547
I am not sure how I would be able to change anything, if basically all the time I am to blame for everything... .and she is just a constant "victim"
[/quote]

Here's the thing, YOU cannot change anything. All you can do is change the way you respond to her behaviour. YOU can SHOW her there is a better way, a more rewarding way, however, you cannot change her perception that she is a victim. Maybe she is a victim, of someone or something, I doubt very much whether it's a boy touching her up at the end of high school... .either way, this is something SHE has to CHOOSE to address, at the moment she is CHOOSING not to address it and instead piling her pain and anger onto you.

this sounds like a very very complicated situation with a lot of moving parts. This ball of string can only be unravelled by a very trained professional. There are no short cuts and it will more than likely involve a lot of emotional pain getting to a point of acceptance. In a way us non's help prevent our pwBPD from reaching the absolute low in their lives required to do the work to heal. We become an excuse for their bad behavior.

From what you have written it seems like your partner feels like she is 'bad' in her fantasy therefore attempts to make reality match that fantasy. "I am bad therefore I will do bad things".

Who made her feel bad?

childhoodgone, I'm so glad you reached out and shared what you've been going through.

Quote from: childhoodgone on July 04, 2018, 02:20:26 AM

At this moment we are in a pause, so no at this moment we don't live together.

This is probably safest for now. Did you make the decision to separate because of the knife incident?

It sounds like you two have split up and gotten back together before.

What usually happens after a split? How do you usually get back together?

You're not alone friend. You have friends here that understand what you're going through. We are here to walk with you.

Are you doing ok living on your own at the moment? Sometimes when we live in high drama all the time, there is a period of relief (safety) followed by a lot of discomfort at being on our own.

I'm glad you are safe right now.

She probably will not call the authorities, altho you may already know that (based on past experience). Sometimes, threats create enough impact that there is no need to act on them. She must know how her words affect you, and realizes there is no need to follow through on those words because the words alone create a reaction that is satisfying enough. Like babyducks and Enabler and others have said, she wants you to feel how she feels (which is terrible).

How long does she usually wait before contacting you after a separation?

LnL

Quote from: pearlsw on July 04, 2018, 07:30:44 AM

My gf said sometimes things about death like "you will die" and then when asked why she said that, she said "you must understand that, because you don't understand that everyone dies"
and continued with "think how your mother is dying" and stuff like this.

It hapenned in maybe 3 - 5 days such discussions.

She watches very many horror movies, she is attracted to horror movies.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My mother was very very controlling, she took away all the time everything that she noticed that I like (any collections I ever made, any books I ever loved, etc) and throw everything I loved away
every single time she had the chance.

She was very much against the beautiful girlfriends that I liked the most, if I really liked one of my girlfriends she would simply go to her and scare her and have a fight with her,
and constantly telling me how I should give more chances to the girlfriends that I disliked
and for which I felt absolutely nothing.

My mother always criticized everything and raised me in constant fights and conflicts with the other people. She has been always very negative and has a very negative view of the world.

My mother has been acting so angry like she was possesed few times.

So whenever a girl showed me even for few days real care about me, carressing me,
bathing me, washing me,
or buying me gifts, that moves me to tears, immensely.

I have no idea how or where I can heal my maternal needs - I know if such a service
would exist, I would be their most faithful client.

Hi childhoodgone,

I am sorry to hear about these issues with your mother. It sounds like this relationship has left you very vulnerable in some ways, would you agree?

Can you also please tell us more about "the pause" you are on with your girlfriend?

Who or what initiated the pause? Are there any terms of the pause? (Is it for a set amount of time? Or you will see how it goes)

Why did you make a pause? What are you hoping to have happen during this time away from each other?

Are you gathering information because you are conflicted about being with her? Are you holding out hope she will change in some way that would make it possible to be together in the future?

with compassion, pearl.

Quote from: livednlearned on July 04, 2018, 11:54:34 AM

You're not alone friend. You have friends here that understand what you're going through. We are here to walk with you.

Are you doing ok living on your own at the moment?

She wants you to feel how she feels (which is terrible)

My mother destroyed my childhood by NEVER ALLOWING ME A SINGLE HAPPY MOMENT EVER.
While subjecting me to total control, pain, beatings, total removal of everything I ever liked. I am sad
for what my mother did to me, rising me without any love, only to escape when I was over 20 years old
and see outside around the happiness and love that other real people were sharing between themselves.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am not doing ok living on my own at this moment.

I think I have severe depression, lack of sleep, terrible disintegration nightmares, and a kind of fear of being alone.

It is like my body tells me "it is better close to the "devil" that you know", the devil being the gf... .

It may be it's a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome, but the lack of what I was used to for the last years every day,
it makes me not recognize my body and my mind.

Now I remember how many times she was asking me "Where are my slaves?" at which she was happy with
hearing the answer from me: "I am your slave"

And tears roll from my eyes unstoppable again

Quote from: childhoodgone on July 09, 2018, 07:06:17 AM

Now I remember how many times she was asking me "Where are my slaves?" at which she was happy with
hearing the answer from me: "I am your slave"

And tears roll from my eyes unstoppable again

Hi childhoodgone,

It is definitely not easy to cope with abusive behaviors towards us. How did you feel being so dominated by her, your girlfriend? This language she used with you sounds very dehumanizing.

Forgive me, you have many threads going, I know I've asked, but it is not clear to me, what is the nature of the pause you are on? Who paused it and why?

I know it is not easy to adjust to living alone if you're used to having someone around. It can be very quiet and lonely.

Depression is treatable. Do you have access to medical care? I strongly urge you to seek help with this as it can make a world of difference in terms of clearing up your thinking and helping you function better.

Insomnia is treatable too. :)

What do you mean by disintegration nightmares? Do you have trouble feeling like you exist at times? Do you have any kind of flashbacks from how she physically abused you?

Okay, and if you feel like you have some symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome this is also something important to talk about. Are you wanting to more fully detach from her? Is that what this pause is about for you? What do you think would be the most healthy thing for you? Being close with her or further detaching?

In terms of being alone are there things you could do to be among people? I am very isolated too, but once a week I am in the city and I at least see people and on other days I pay for online language lessons so I can hear/talk to people. It is not so personal, but it does help me a lot with fighting the isolation.

wishing you peace, pearl.

Quote from: pearlsw on July 09, 2018, 02:00:42 PM

Okay, and if you feel like you have some symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome this is also something important to talk about. Are you wanting to more fully detach from her? Is that what this pause is about for you? What do you think would be the most healthy thing for you? Being close with her or further detaching?

In terms of being alone are there things you could do to be among people? I am very isolated too, but once a week I am in the city and I at least see people and on other days I pay for online language lessons so I can hear/talk to people. It is not so personal, but it does help me a lot with fighting the isolation.

wishing you peace, pearl.

Pearl you are a good person and you help immensely people.

I am afraid that my depression tells me that because I did not satisfy her expectations and her requests of hard brutal sex,

because of being afraid of new infections,

she had entirely replaced me with someone strong who goes to gym everyday, who can give / probably gives hard brutal sex,

and after 7 years of living everyday with her, this new world being so alone is terrifying.

If this situation is true, how do I survive?

Quote from: childhoodgone on July 10, 2018, 03:45:40 AM

I am afraid that my depression tells me that because I did not satisfy her expectations and her requests of hard brutal sex, because of being afraid of new infections, she had entirely replaced me with someone strong who goes to gym everyday, who can give / probably gives hard brutal sex,

and after 7 years of living everyday with her, this new world being so alone is terrifying.

Hi again childhoodgone,

Thank you. We all just want to offer you the support we can here! You are not alone!

It is natural to want to please our partners sexually. Where this becomes problematic is if by "pleasing them" we are ourselves being disrespected, abused, mistreated, or reduced in any way. That is one thing to think about here. A healthy partner would not be asking you to do things that would be making you feel bad. Did she ask how you felt? Do you understand how you felt, aside from the just trying to please her part?

Is it hard to even think about how you could have sex that was what you wanted? Was it all about just pleasing her, her demands towards you? Does your pleasure derive from only pleasing her?

I would say, and I know this is not easy to grasp, but you are not in competition with all the other guys she may find out there in the world to give her "brutal sex".

And I want to be clear about this, as I am guessing English is not your native language, but... .do you really, literally mean "brutal sex"? Is this the best translation you have for the word/idea you have in mind? When I hear "brutal" I want to ask, does she want the sex to be at such a heightened level that it is akin to something like rape every time? Is she asking you to physically hurt her?

I can imagine that it must be extremely difficult to be alone - was the pause your choice? May I ask directly, what do you want from a relationship? Is that something you have ever been able to think about? Is that a hard question to even contemplate? You and having your needs met via a relationship?

with deep compassion, pearl.

Quote from: pearlsw on July 10, 2018, 07:10:28 AM

Hi again childhoodgone,

I would say, and I know this is not easy to grasp, but you are not in competition with all the other guys she may find out there in the world to give her "brutal sex".

And I want to be clear about this, as I am guessing English is not your native language, but... .do you really, literally mean "brutal sex"? Is this the best translation you have for the word/idea you have in mind? When I hear "brutal" I want to ask, does she want the sex to be at such a heightened level that it is akin to something like rape every time? Is she asking you to physically hurt her?

Thank you so much Pearl.

I mean very literally this is what she said, her exact words: "I need brutal sex, I can feel only if it is brutal sex". And in the past, in other years yes
I gave her brutal sex, she asked to be strangled and pulled by the hair very hard, and so on.
Also I was never able to give her the exact high force of strangling that she asked me for, and that remained also in the past.

But this year I did not give her brutal sex, she asked 2 times for it.

It is not that I did not want, or I have any bad opinion about it, no.

It is only that I was afraid of the 3rd genital infection this year, after having sexual intercourse with her.

It was an avalanche of bad luck from many points of view, and I don't see a stop to it yet

Quote from: childhoodgone on July 10, 2018, 09:29:55 AM

It was an avalanche of bad luck from many points of view, and I don't see a stop to it yet

Hi childhoodgone,

So, getting infections made you not want to have sex with her in this brutal manner? Feel free to answer or not, but did you contract herpes or genital warts? Or is this more serious? Do you know how to manage with it whatever it is?

When you say "you don't see a stop to it" what do you mean exactly? You want the relationship to stop but don't know how? Or you want to be with her, but want the mistreatment to stop? Or you just want the sex to stop because it is risky?

I am still not clear how you view the relationship and I do not want to put words in your mouth.

take care, pearl.

Hi childhoodgone,

I was keying in on what you said here:

Quote from: childhoodgone on July 12, 2018, 01:34:09 AM

I am sure the relationship is lost.

Important is to survive and rebuild myself somehow

I understand that with depression, and some fear of being alone, it is hard to adjust and know what comes next.

In terms of what you later wrote:

Quote from: childhoodgone on July 12, 2018, 06:32:45 AM

I am uneasy about doing that.

I posted here in "reversing a breakup"

How do I actually reverse a breakup? Which are the most efficient ways to communicate with her?

Thank you

Let me share this... .It takes a great deal of strength to be in a relationship with someone with BPD. Have you read these pages of the site?

Being An Emotional Caregiver (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=173897.0)

Supporting Your BPD Partner (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106134.0)

What do you think of the ideas shared there?

And also, can you please share a bit about how and why this "pause" in your relationship took place? Was it your idea? Her idea? Mutual? What led up to it? What led things to break down and are you in contact now? It is hard to assess the (potential) future without that piece of the story.

Lastly, given the two things you've posted here, is it more accurate to say you feel Conflicted about the relationship? You aren't sure if you want it or not? Or?

take good care, pearl.

Hope you don't mind, but I also wanted to discuss these issues and wanted to bring them here:

Quote from: childhoodgone on July 12, 2018, 06:21:54 AM

The memories that come are emotional and many are good memories.

That is the absurdity and the irony of the situation I am in.

When I was with her, I noticed the bad parts and everyone told me to get out.

Now I remember the good parts.

I feel broken

May I ask, you say "everyone told you to get out"... .why do you think they told you that? Did people have legitimate concerns? Did people know the extent of what was going on? Were you keeping a lot to yourself?

How did you feel about getting out versus staying with her? (These are your choices either way.) What was the ratio of "good" to "bad" like for you? Do you feel like she has any potential to change or would she be behaving in the same way toward you as before? Was how she was behaving upsetting for you? How does being with her make you feel?

You can do a lot of work to change, adjust the way you speak to her, etc., but if she has not changed how do you think the relationship would be for you? Would you be able to get enough out of it? Most importantly, would you feel safe, loved, understood, respected, cared for?

wishing you peace, pearl.

Quote from: pearlsw on July 13, 2018, 12:38:39 AM

Hope you don't mind, but I also wanted to discuss these issues and wanted to bring them here:

May I ask, you say "everyone told you to get out"... .why do you think they told you that? Did people have legitimate concerns? Did people know the extent of what was going on? Were you keeping a lot to yourself?

How did you feel about getting out versus staying with her? (These are your choices either way.) What was the ratio of "good" to "bad" like for you? Do you feel like she has any potential to change or would she be behaving in the same way toward you as before? Was how she was behaving upsetting for you? How does being with her make you feel?

You can do a lot of work to change, adjust the way you speak to her, etc., but if she has not changed how do you think the relationship would be for you? Would you be able to get enough out of it? Most importantly, would you feel safe, loved, understood, respected, cared for?

wishing you peace, pearl.

When for the first time in my life, she tells me these:

"I watch you when you sleep and often I want to kill you. But this is normal, most people think like this and never put into action, of course"

or

"Buy me plastic surgeries before march or I break up with you"

or

"My mother was very afraid of me when I told her that I want to kill children with small head because they are genetical mistakes"

or if I told them she practiced prostitution as her "fantasy" while she was in relationship with me.

Yes of course everyone tells me to break up with her, when they hear what she did to me, and how she abused me,
and I lose my friends because I continued to stay with her.

I unfortunately found out just 1 week ago about the therapy BPD tools from this website

But who in the world can understand that I have some emotional needs from the other side, the good side,
that she did sometimes, she did well - the rare maternal instinct which she showed me in some moments:
how she bathed me, wash my hair, put me to bed, kiss me, etc.

Now I feel that all this is lost, and I don't know who else can give me this

Quote from: pearlsw on July 13, 2018, 12:38:39 AM

You can do a lot of work to change, adjust the way you speak to her, etc., but if she has not changed how do you think the relationship would be for you? Would you be able to get enough out of it? Most importantly, would you feel safe, loved, understood, respected, cared for?

wishing you peace, pearl.

With time, she saw that I stood by her side and helped her, took her to the physicians she needed for her leg, cured her,
and she lost respect for me, because a beautiful girl usually thinks that all the people helping her are weak people, not attractive.

Her behaviours and her abuses got worst as time passed by, over the 7 years. In the first 6 months she was many times like a dream.

If in first 6 months the ratio was 90% good behaviour, 10% negavitivity, over time it arrived to 10% good behaviour, 90% negativity.

I don't know how many moments in my life I felt "safe, loved, understood, respected, cared for"? Some times with her yes I felt some of these.

In general these sound like beautiful things that other people have, that happen to other people... .

Quote from: childhoodgone on July 13, 2018, 12:56:28 AM

Hi again!

Hope you are feeling well today!

With all due respect, I am not sure about this part: "a beautiful girl usually thinks that all the people that help her are weak people, not attractive." A lot of societal weight is placed on our looks and women internalize that differently - how we might respond to that, or "use" that. Ya know? No doubt there are people who recognize they are seen as physically attractive and can use that to get things. Their approach to relationships may be purely transactional, exist on a superficial level without a deeper dive.

But would you also say that your fixation on her looks has led you down a path as well, to having less than what you might want? Is it possible there are attractive people who are nice and are not manipulative or abusive to their partners? Just something to consider.

I hear ya, I've been at this relationship stuff for many decades now and it can sometimes feel like others have things that I do not - peace of mind, support, understanding, etc. But it is on all of us, hard as it is, to try for more if we want more. Sometimes I never want to have a relationship ever again and just give up on this part of life. The older I get the less people may bug me about that. But... .it is hard not to want a chance at more and we only get those chances by trying and taking risks.

You have a lot at risk here. It will take time and effort to work through all these issues, but a day could come when you could be ready for something more. We're here with you on the journey. There is no rush to heal. There is a lot to sort out here, but with time and effort you can some day get to a better place.

warmly, pearl.

Quote from: childhoodgone on July 13, 2018, 12:56:28 AM

I don't know how many moments in my life I felt "safe, loved, understood, respected, cared for"? Some times with her yes I felt some of these.

Hi childhoodgone, pearls is giving you some wonderful advice. She really saved me when I first got here. I was so lost!

A common theme I've come across in your thread is how your relationship relates to how other people in your life have shown (or not shown) you love. I can relate a lot to that and thought I might share some of my personal experience here.

My mother may have been BPD or something similar. She loved me very much and would do wonderful things for me. She would also scream at me for hours over unreasonable things. She would say things to hurt me on purpose. She was too caught up in her problems to see mine and would put the burden on me to save her. By the time I was grown up and started to feel my anger towards her she got cancer, so most of those feelings had to go back down inside. Then she died.

My wife (then girlfriend) was very sweet and loving to me at first, too. Then the abuse started. Physical and emotional. Growing up with my mother, I had been programmed to feel guilty, to always feel wrong and deserving of bad treatment. So deep down I felt my wife's treatment of me was right, or at least I normalized it. I figured this was just how some relationships were.

Since coming to bpdfamily I have learned that true and healthy relationships are not this way. In healthy relationships we still hurt each other, but it is not intentional. And we take responsibility for that hurt. In healthy relationships we are not afraid. We feel, as you so perfectly wrote it, "safe, loved, understood, respected, cared for."

These are things that every human being is entitled to in this life. They are not bonuses or just for the few people luckiest to find it.

So I ask you a question (not rhetorical), right now, do you genuinely feel as though you deserve these things? Or does something inside tell you that you don't?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

Quote from: RolandOfEld on July 13, 2018, 01:40:03 AM

My wife (then girlfriend) was very sweet and loving to me at first, too. Then the abuse started. Physical and emotional. Growing up with my mother, I had been programmed to feel guilty, to always feel wrong and deserving of bad treatment. So deep down I felt my wife's treatment of me was right, or at least I normalized it. I figured this was just how some relationships were.

Since coming to bpdfamily I have learned that true and healthy relationships are not this way. In healthy relationships we still hurt each other, but it is not intentional. And we take responsibility for that hurt. In healthy relationships we are not afraid. We feel, as you so perfectly wrote it, "safe, loved, understood, respected, cared for."

These are things that every human being is entitled to in this life. They are not bonuses or just for the few people luckiest to find it.

So I ask you a question (not rhetorical), right now, do you genuinely feel as though you deserve these things? Or does something inside tell you that you don't?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

Roland your post is so very insightful and kind towards me, I cannot say thank you enough.

Yes, you noticed that very right, often my gf did exactly what she thought will hurt me intentionally.

I rationalize this now as - "well, being BPD she has no empathy, and she punishes her partner for whatever imagined wrongs
she may have felt in a distant past from men"

and then I think: "is it better to be sometimes cared for and enjoy small cute moments together, and also support her through all the
negative crises?"

I solved her problems, I convinced her to turn off all the cutting herself from the past but she turned it into
agressivity towards me (the same as when her exbf took away her razors, to stop her from cutting herself,
she broke his head with his mobile phone)

I don't know the answer.

We talk about love and other beautiful emotions here, but will I ever be loved? Was I loved?

Dear Childhoodgone-

I am deeply sorry you are suffering so much sadness and confusion. I have not read your entire story, but I will. I did however pick something up that struck at my heart. You cite all of the horrible things she has said and done to you. And then you wonder... .who will show you the “maternal” love... .bathe you, wash your hair, put you to bed and kiss you.

My friend, those are the things that “normal” , healthy lovers do together and for one another. That is part of true intimacy. If and when the day comes that you are no longer in this relationship, these are caring things YOU will bring to a new relationship, and your new loving woman will give to you. It does NOT have to be sexual. Intimacy is not always sexual. But it can be... .there IS hope for the loving, caring, giving relationship you so deserve.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Quote from: Gemsforeyes on July 13, 2018, 12:30:02 PM

What you wrote is amazing. I have had many (rather short) relationships in the past, but at whatever point I wished for something like this: a kind of maternal love
in which my girlfriend would bathe me, wash my hair, cover me in bed, kiss me, hug me, smile to me, be happy to be with me,
in most cases what hapenned is that many girls saw this as weakness and "neediness" while there wasn't - it was just a longing for simple beautiful moments
that I didn't have for too many years.

You know, CHG- there are a few different ways to look at this - I’ve never looked at showering and bubble baths with my husband or lovers as a “maternal” behavior. I’ve seen it more as an expression of nurturing, caring, intimacy. And yes, for sure the experiences can move into sexual intimacy.

Perhaps if you are expressing out loud a need for “maternal” affection those women with less developed emotions would be frightened by your needs. I would consider people like that to be somewhat shallow. However, perhaps it’s better and less “scary” if you leave the word “maternal” out of your conversation, and substitute “intimacy” or expressions of affection.

Perhaps it’s better to present the bubble bath experience as a time to soak in the tub together, be playful, sit across from one another, laugh together, speak quietly with a cup of tea or glass of wine, and wash one another’s hair. A fun activity, yet very intimate. I have been doing this since my 20’s and I am 60 now. I have no plans to stop! My exBPDbf had never taken a bubble bath before me. Sometimes he would want one when it wasn’t time for me to have one, so I’d run the bath for him, he’d get in the tub and I’d go in and wash his hair. He would do the same for me.

He would also come in and comb out my wet hair afterward. In relationships, you just do simple sweet and nurturing things for one another.

I have found, in most relationships, that partners learn what you like by what you do for them. If they DON’T respond, you learn pretty early and move on to someone who WANTS to show love and caring in the privacy of your home. I did not receive much affection from my mother. I must have tenderness and affection from my lover. Sex is simply NOT enough.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

I'm bringing these questions of yours over from one of your other threads so people can focus their support of you here:

Quote from: childhoodgone on July 10, 2018, 10:51:14 AM

Compared to most people in the world who ignore me,
someone that hates me sometimes, insults me sometimes, is nice to me some rare times,
is someone that spends time with me

Quote from: childhoodgone on July 12, 2018, 06:34:39 AM

How will people become attached to me in the future?

You are brave to ask this question, I believe it's central to your experience. Many of us have fallen into this trap. You deserve to be treated with respect at all times. You can achieve this in your life.

As men and women age, many men, thoughtful men such as you, develop a wisdom and compassion that is very attractive to women as they also gain experience. You are already more attractive than you think. And with a concerted effort to invest in and strengthen yourself, you'll be even more attractive.

What are your qualities that you currently have that you think might be attractive to a woman?

What life activities (work, service, hobbies, etc.) give you confidence and make you feel good about yourself?

WW

Dear CHG-
In response to what Wentworth has brought over from your other thread, I do have a few thoughts. And I want to try and not be selfish about my response, but I am certain what I will say to you, will probably help me... .I have been desperately sad and isolated lately. And very confused. Actually I’ve been isolated since moving here 6+ years ago. Recent exuBPDbf kept me “occupied” for 4.5 years of that time.

I have left relationships for various reasons, but I have NEVER left a relationship for another man.

Your question about “how will people become “attached” to you in the future?” IS a good and brave question.

My response has many components... .First, you’ll want to “attract” good women.
When YOU/I are emotionally available, that will show in how you carry yourself. The same goes when we are emotionally UNAVAILABLE. When we are sad, our body language is clear about that. Our shoulders are down, our eyes are cast downward, we normally avoid eye contact - especially with people our own age. We wear a neutral expression on our face and ignore everything around us except for the task at hand. Without truly meaning to, We make ourselves unapproachable and INVISIBLE. That, my friend, may be why you feel people ignore you. I am speaking of myself HERE, too.

When we work our way OUT of the depression and sadness, our bodies reflect that in a huge way. It’s shoulders high, eyes bright, a ready smile, talking to strangers in the grocery line and “willingness” to engage. Other people “FEEL” that. Women will FEEL those positive qualities and be attracted to that... .and that is a start.

Here is where I am, CHG. I live in a place where I have no friends, and any hope I had of moving back home is gone.

It is NEVER too late to broaden your interests. I started rowing when I was 37, and met wonderful friends through that sport. You can volunteer at your local humane society and walk shelter dogs once a week or do other things that good-hearted people do. Try things you’ve never thought you’d do. My exBPDbf NEVER wanted to try things because he hated other people being around me. He always found a way to cancel plans... .

Yep, if I can claw my way out of this sadness, I want to stand-up paddle board... .while I’m still able to move this old body!

So as WW asked, what gives you confidence? What makes you feel good about yourself?

If you had the freedom to plan ALL your free time, what kinds of things would you like to try?

Please talk to us.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

I am sorry you are going through the same isolation hell.

The fact that you wrote so much and so in detail means a lot to me.

I lost my job because of the Post traumatic severe depression that I go through.

I am usually afraid and having post traumatic nightmares of an intensity hard to describe.

The problem is that I feel like my mind was damaged, I have the blank stare
that soldiers who were traumatized by war have, I don't have many passions or interests,
I seem to just walk in circles.

My rational mind tells me all these 7 years are finished and gone forever.

My emotions however they still crave for the weekly dose of weird agressive things my BPD gf used to do and say

Quote from: Gemsforeyes on July 15, 2018, 06:42:02 PM

Dear CHG-
I remember something my dad said to me when I was young and going through a very difficult time after a breakup from a beloved boyfriend. My dad said “you don’t have to feel like this”. I am hearing my dad’s words now, as I am struggling with PTSD, as it sounds like you may be.

CHG - you DON’T have to feel like this.

There are steps you can take to heal. Yes, your mind may feel damaged. But that damage does NOT have to be permanent! Please know that. You CAN get better. But I want to tell you, CHG. I could NOT take these steps while I was still IN my relationship with my BPD boyfriend.

The ONLY person we can control is ourselves. I can only control and change and help me. You can only control and change and help YOU. Baby steps, my friend.

I am giving myself permission to come out of very dark days. I am LISTENING to the wise and caring advice of the people here. I am writing down the painful experiences that happened in my past, from my childhood, from my early adulthood, during the violent end of my long marriage and during my BPD relationship. I don’t know how many years I have left... .but I DON’T WANT to feel like this. BPDbf was not violent with me, but his words tore me to shreds. I can still hear his screams. I still wake up in screaming nightmares drenched in sweat. But I have hope that those will go away.

CHG- one way to begin to come out in the light of day is to find some help. It’s important to acknowledge that you have been physically abused. Many men have been physically abused and Domestic Violence counseling would be so helpful to you. It’s time to take a step, don’t you think?

Sometimes we just need a bit of help to get us back on our feet, to help lift our eyes up. You can do this, my friend.

Please tell me your thoughts.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Another hope for you childhoodgone may be in EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), a form of therapy that many members here have had success with.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=37825.0

Excerpt

EMDR is an information processing therapy and uses an eight phase approach.

First Phase The first phase is a history taking session during which the therapist develops a treatment plan. Patient and therapist identify possible targets for EMDR processing. These include recent distressing events, current situations that elicit emotional disturbance, related historical incidents, and the development of specific skills and behaviors that will be needed by the client in future situations.

Second Phase During the second phase of treatment, the therapist ensures that the patient has adequate methods of handling emotional distress and good coping skills, and that the client is in a relatively stable state. If further stabilization is required, or if additional skills are needed, therapy focuses on providing these.

Phase 3-6 In phase three through six, a target is identified and processed using EMDR procedures. These involve the patient identifying the most vivid visual image related to the memory (if available), a negative belief about self, related emotions and body sensations. The patient also identifies a preferred positive belief. The validity of the positive belief is rated, as is the intensity of the negative emotions.

The patient is then instructed to focus on the image, negative thought, and body sensations while simultaneously moving his/her eyes back and forth following the therapist's fingers as they move across his/her field of vision for 20-30 seconds or more (Athough eye movements are the most commonly used external stimulus, therapists often use auditory tones, tapping, or other types of tactile stimulation). The patient is instructed to just notice whatever happens. After this, the clinician instructs the client to let his/her mind go blank and to notice whatever thought, feeling, image, memory, or sensation comes to mind.

Depending upon the client's report the clinician will facilitate the next focus of attention. In most cases a patient-directed association process is encouraged. This is repeated numerous times throughout the session. I

If there are negative sensations, these are processed as above. If there are positive sensations, they are further enhanced.

Seventh Phase In phase seven, closure, the therapist asks the patient to keep a journal during the week to document any related material that may arise and reminds the client of the self-calming activities that were mastered in phase two.

Eighth Phase The next session begins with phase eight, re-evaluation of the previous work, and of progress since the previous session.

Result After EMDR processing, clients generally report that the emotional distress related to the memory has been eliminated, or greatly decreased, and that they have gained important cognitive insights. Importantly, these emotional and cognitive changes usually result in spontaneous behavioral and personal change, which are further enhanced with standard EMDR procedures.

www.emdr.com/briefdes.htm

Are you familiar with EMDR?

Dear CHG-

I am heartened to hear that you will go for DV counseling tomorrow. You lift me up with this step. While I understand that three weeks in this deep state of depression feels like a long time, you will begin to come out of it... .because you WANT to feel better and begin living again.

Last night some wonderful members/friends here gave me the hope I had not felt in a long time. I slept without a screaming nightmare for the first time in months. And that was at night.

For me, for my healing, to live a healthy life, I MUST stay away from BPDbf. I cannot allow him to come back. I see his actions with very clear vision and I cannot “fix” him or “save” him and he refuses to get help for himself. He will destroy me if I allow him back into my life.

My friend - you have to look at YOUR situation and think ONLY of yourself at this time. And what it will take for you to heal your wounds and live by your values.

Livednlearned cited one method of successful therapy for PTSD and of course an experienced therapist would lead you through that. I believe another may be CBT.

This will sound silly, but Late last night, right before going to bed, I looked online at pictures of dogs that were just adopted and going to their new “forever” homes. Wow! The smiles on the dogs’ faces made me so happy. Those were the pictures I had in my mind when I went to sleep. Maybe you can try that... .

Please keep your appointment for tomorrow. You are SO worth it.

Please keep in mind. I think threads are limited to 6 pages, so you may need to start a new thread soon.

Please keep talking, my friend.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

BPDFamily.com

Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: childhoodgone on July 02, 2018, 11:29:12 AM