BPDFamily.com

I would never invite her to talk about money again... barring some large change in her behavior.

Perhaps you can only talk about money at T sessions.

Hey man... .listen.  YOU need to figure out what YOU need to spend your money on... .and leave it at that.  She obviously doesn't want or "can't do" the things needed to have "we" money. 

That sucks... .it really does.  But I think your focus needs to be "reality" vice what you hope she will do.

Please go back to T sessions... if your wife wont' go... so be it.

FF

FF, this month, if we are to have food on the table, we can't go to the T.
Unless I dip into my "war chest" - the money I have started to save for the divorce.

My gut reaction is to dip into war chest... however, I would want to get caught up on T status to advise you if more than once or twice is wise.

Here is the thing... .there are professional recommendations "on the books" about what is best for your son.  At some point... .YOU will need to take action on that (IMO).

The money thing... .at some point... .she can be reasonable and manage money like most of us... .or she has decided to not have access to your $$. 

She can get her own job and have a unicorn manage her money... .and let the flying monkey make deposits every Friday.  But that is her money... her choice.

At some point... .the "we" money become so preposterous... .you need to draw boundaries.  I think you are there... .and I think that should be the talk in T.

Thoughts? 

Listen... .you need to own YOUR decisions about money.  Don't let unhelpful influences... .influence your decisions.    (hmm... .let that sink in)

FF

I hesitate to dip into the "war chest". It's only a small amount and will not be anything like enough to fund a divorce, and therefore I don't want to deplete it. I want it to grow.

Secondly, I really think that therapy as a couple is a waste of time, effort and money on my behalf.  Don't get me wrong, I really like going, and it's very validating for me to have someone actually witness what a frustrating, illogical and difficult person my wife really is.  But I don't think it will turn her into a functional life-partner for me. She needs individual therapy - and a truckload of it.  But she won't agree to it, because she thinks that her husband is the one that needs to change. 

And I do, I agree.  I need to make serious changes to the way I act.  But they are changes she's not going to like.

I agree with you that "it's likely" that further T is unhelpful (although don't completely shut the door)

Can you describe your last T session?  Please be kinda detailed.  I believe it matters how these things end.

Also... .I get it you don't have the money you wish you had.  Instead of focusing on what you "can't do" with your money... .I would ask you to focus on "what you can do". 

Yes... .saving is doing something, yet you should evaluate what is "going undone".  Make sure priorities are in order.

I'll wait until seeing a description of last T session to opine further.

FF

My vote is to not dip into the war chest.

Even if you don’t get a divorce- knowing you have that reserve allows you the choice. I think being able to choose is important- puts you in the position to choose- which gives you options.

Also if she is not motivated to look at her own behavior - more couples T may not help. Individual T when you can afford it could help.

What’s the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing and expecting different results. How many times have you tried to discuss money with her?

Actions speak louder than words. If she’s not reasonable with money- give her what you think is a reasonable amount for the household expenses she needs and save the rest. Visiting your family needs to be a priority in your budget if it’s important to you. Don’t expect her to agree on personal needs or wants. Not all couples do.

I don’t have professional advice but from my own perspective of having a BPD mother spending putting my father into debt and not being reasonable I support you taking charge of what you need to do to meet the basic needs of all family members first. Wants are if there is extra.

When you and your son didn’t obey her at the grocery and went home you showed her she was not in control. She didn’t like it. It’s hard to hold a boundary while facing her consequences but you did hold it.

For clarity... .I'm at most suggesting 1 or 2 more to "tie things up" and set YOU (at least) on a new trajectory.

I'm not suggesting "depleting" the war chest... .and frankly I would encourage you to first cut out other expenses, to "find" money to fund 1 or 2 more T sessions. 

Anyway... .I'll hold until getting a description of last T session and perhaps no further meetings are needed... we'll see.

FF

Hello Dragon,

Looking back on all the previous sessions with your T, and considering the outcomes of each session, what is your goal/goals that you hope to achieve in further sessions?

I see there was a period of improvement, can you attribute this to T sessions?

Personally, I believe that constant T sessions are a good thing, however; there may come a point to where it’s just “spinning your wheels” so to speak.

In my first marraige I was very codependent and I used to think that “just one more session”, or just the right T was going to magically fix things, and it was going to be “happily ever after”; I was let down so many times... .so I can certainly feel for your current situation.

As far as dipping into your war chest; if it were me, I would not do it.

One more question and I’ll go, what do you think you have benefited so far from you and your wife both going to these T sessions? What has changed for better, or else stayed the same in the relationship?

Money issues in a marraige/relationship is a tough nut to crack sometimes... .believe me I know.

Best regards, Red5

Hey Dragon,
My thoughts on therapy are that it's great for the Non to get support and strategies, but of limited use for marriage counseling with a pwBPD. It would be wonderful if said pwBPD was interested, willing or open to doing individual therapy, but that seems as likely as finding a four leaf clover--it does happen on occasion.

I did MC with my husband, who is a high functioning pwBPD and much more rational than not, and mostly kind and cooperative--and it was rather a waste of time. He thought that the P and I were ganging up on him and that each session was an opportunity for me to "dump on him". It's true that it was an opportunity for me to finally express myself without being interrupted or steamrolled, but dumping on him wasn't my intent.

In over a year of weekly sessions, we made very little progress. It did help our communication somewhat.

The biggest benefit was when I returned for individual counseling and my P disclosed that she believed my husband has a PD. I've learned a lot from her, vented a lot, and at this point, don't need to see her very often. I've scaled back my appointments to 6 times a year, and she keeps trying to "fire" me because I'm doing well, but I really appreciate that she is the repository of our relationship history and has seen how much it's improved. So I continue to go for a "check up".

There's such a wide range of expression of BPD that members here deal with--some easier to cope with than others. I think that your "war chest" money would be better spent visiting your family or keeping it in reserve--or maybe an individual therapy session for you only.

Cat

Cat familiar

How much of this improvement would you say was "him improving" and how much was "you improving"?  I've got a guess... but I'll hold my tongue.

I totally identify with the comment about being able to talk without being steamrolled.

When a normal, respectful conversation, where each person "takes turns" is "ganging up on" someone... .well... .that says a lot.

FF

Thanks everyone for chipping in your thoughts.

About the war chest.  My wife doesn't know about it.  It's made up of money that I earned on the side, doing it in the office after hours, and money that was given to me as a gift by my parents when they recently had a windfall.  I didn't tell my wife about either and the money is in my account in my home country.  It ain't much.  Just about $2,400.  Nowhere near enough to fund a full-on divorce with an angry woman. But it's a start.

What was my aim with the T sessions?  I think there was part of me that was optimistic that she might recognise her illogical, manipulative and selfish ways and make an effort to change.  To help us to become more emotionally intimate.
But there was the realist in me too that saw it as an opportunity to get a witness to all the craziness and get ammunition for use in a divorce court.

What have I gotten out of doing the sessions?  Stuff off my chest.  Being able to argue my point uninterrupted, with a referee to keep the fight fair.  And I shouldn't take pleasure in it, but it has felt GOOD to see her showing her nasty side with someone else besides myself to see it.  Other people think she couldn't possibly hurt a fly if she didn't have good cause to do so.  I don't have much of a support network apart from you lovely bpdfamily people, so it has been an opportunity to think out loud to someone who will listen. And that's cathartic.  But I could get stuff off my chest in individual therapy, so I guess the advantage of couples' therapy has been that I can actually see someone witnessing first hand what I put up with, and that's validating.  

What has changed for the better? I don't know if anything has, at root level.  Just after the last session (which was a fireworks display of my wife's trust and intimacy issues), she improved her temperament and was clearly making an effort to be closer to me physically at least. But as soon as the topic of money came up, the mask slipped and it's back to black for Dragon72.

The sleeping arrangements. Nothing's going to happen on that until we move house to one with a quieter master bedroom.  I can't see her budging on that one. Our rental contract comes up for renewal in October. Either we renew the contract for another year, terminate it with no penalty and find another place in October, or we break the contract with a penalty and find another place sooner.

Money is a tight issue. The problem is that even if I manage to plug some of the unnecessary "leaks", we're going to be still pretty much break even, with no extra cash for things like a house move, or a trip to see Ma & Pa Dragon in the old country, or even a few days at the beach for a family vacation.  It all started the day my wife persuaded me that buying a brand new car was a necessity for the family and that we could easily get by with paying 27% of my take-home salary on it for four years.  I only have myself to blame for all of this though as I am the one punching in my pin on the ATM machine. But it's hard to hold boundaries when someone is emotionally manipulating you.

1.  Sell the car.  Do you have 1 or 2 vehicles?

FF

We have another car. My wife's. It's very old and tired and, due to Mexico City's anti-congestion rules, it's not allowed on the roads on Mondays and two Saturday's per month, which is pretty inconvenient.
It has remained unused for about 6 months now.
In fact, I'm going to have to spend money next month on a mechanic to make sure it's up to scratch for the new vehicle inspections that older cars need to pass to be give roadworthy status. Then I'm going to have to spend money on the vehicle inspection itself.
All for a car we hardly use.

The new car, being new and "emissions clean", is exempt from all that.

I have urged my wife to sell her old car.  She has done nothing. And anyway, we're going to have to spend money to get it into a fit state to sell.

I have also urged her to find tenants for her long-unoccupied house in the neighbouring city, to generate some income.  She's against the idea.

I have also suggested that she get a job.  That incurred a rage that I am convinced registered on the Richter scale.

This is my goal and exactly why I'm pushing so hard for 1 or 2 more sessions to "wrap up" YOUR journey through MC.  It's always possible for your wife to have a breakthrough, but that was the furthest thing from my mind.


Do you really think your wife will move back into your room in a new house?  Have you really bought the excuse of noise?  (I'm not suggesting noise doesn't play a small part.)

What is the plan for moving to new house with all bedrooms quiet and she "finds a new reason"?

Listen man... .I see touches of me in you, especially finances.  There was a time when I did all the spreadsheets and proved... .time and time again that nothing was missing.  And that invalidated my wife big time and made things worse

Now... .the ONLY way my wife gets to my wallet is "through" a kind and respectful conversation... each time.  There are lots of "failures" and the sum total of energy I expend is "close to zero"... because keeping my wallet closed and in my pocket really doesn't take much energy.

Then... my wife has to wrestle with her own choices.  

It's not fair, she doesn't like it... .but it's better than it was before.

In your case, I would suggest no discussions whatsoever (zero) unless she "shows you the math".

So...

"Hey... we need a new mattress... blah blah blah"

dragon:  "Neat idea... .I'll consider it further after you show me how it works in the budget."  Then... .stop listening... stop talking... stop considering... .zip zero nada... nothing (get the point) until she shows it to you  on paper.

If it works on paper... praise and then find a way to make it happen.

If it doesn't work on paper, point out what you see as issue (DO NOT SUGGEST FIX) and hand it back to her.

Do you see the dynamic shift... .her "blaming" energy gets directed to work, vice blame and your energy is freed up (for whatever you want).

And... .it will work better than it did for me, because you know she won't keep you up all night yelling (that would require her coming to "your" bedroom)

I'll hush for a bit and let your process this.  

FF

Stop convincing her to do things that only she can do.  STOP IT.  How has that worked out?

Again... reason for a few more MC sessions (and some questions I'll send you with) is that YOU start doing things YOU can control.

Can you sell the "new" car that is eating your money?

Can you refuse to spend more on the old, unused car?  In other words, would you get in trouble for not getting it inspected or would the financial bill eventually land in your lap?

You still need to get to work.

Perhaps the car thing should be broken off as separate discussion.  How much longer until paid off?

FF

Once your wife is "forced" through action, vice convinced through words, she may sell her car and rent her place.


This will take some careful and restrained work on your part (we can coach)... she will claim "she has no options" and a couple times you should point out (with a nonchalant shrug) that she has chosen to forgo income, therefore you will be making decisions (we'll sweeten up the language later)

STOP TALKING... START DOING.  (take the attitude from when you left her in the parking lot... .and apply it to money).  She has pitched a little girl fit for several years and you have "fed" it... .stop that.

Allow her the chance to grow up and make adult decisions.  To do that... you need to get out of the way.



FF

Lots of different things you can do or try or consider ... .but let's stay out of the weeds and think about the big picture.

It sounds like you are preparing for divorce (the war chest, your emotional disengagement), trying various things to manage the day to day situation, and also engaging in marriage repair strategies like the MC. It doesn't sound like your heart is really in any of these approaches.

Which way do you want to go? If you don't know, what will help you make a decision?

I agree with formflier that you should see the MC again, but I think you should schedule an appointment alone, not with your wife. Get the MC's feedback on your marriage and what s/he recommends. Ask if you should divorce. Ask if there's a way to repair. Ask how your marriage compares to others the MC has worked with, and what the outcomes of those were.

That might help you decide what you are going to do.

Seems like you have:

- non-performing assets you can sell (Hers)
- income generating assets you can harvest (Hers)
- a performing asset which is above and beyond your means (Yours)
- an income generating asset that refuses to work (Her)

So everything that could possibly generate additional utility for the family sits in her control (her under-employment, the old car and the un-let property) and anything which is a drain on the families utility sits in your domain (the new car). Very cake and eat it. She's surrounded herself with security and choice because she 'needs' that, whilst sacrificially eating your choice (cake).

I am very much with FF on this that any demand needs to be met with push back of "great, how are we YOU going to achieve that?" She will feel stuck but will soon realise that she is surrounded by assets that she can liquidate or put to work.

I get your security blanket of the war chest, that should be preserved and preserved as a secret for now. It helps you stay comfortable with all available outcomes, and there are still plenty of outcomes on the table.

You have made progress and sown seeds in the T sessions, I sense you need to see how the seeds grow and blossom. Hopefully FF and co are sowing seeds in you and your behavior, these seeds need time to grow as well. Your W is very unlikely to unilaterally decide to sell the car, rent the house and get a job in the next 24hrs... .and action. 

Very much my thinking as well.

I would suggest an appointment alone, followed by a period of thought (week or so)... .followed by an appointment together (or at least invitation)... .followed by "action on your part".

Note... .none of the actions are "irreversible"... .I do want you to leave "doors open" and in many cases make it obvious they are open.

It's even more important that you make it obvious the pathway you are walking down... .

How much would two sessions cost you?  Over the next month... .what can be done to "find" that money, without dipping into the "war chest"?

FF

This is solid analysis. 


Read the entire post from Enabler several times.  Come back to it often.  I know it's not a "pretty" reality... but it is reality.

Circle around the the MC idea.  Where flourdust is apparently going is for you to get a similar "analysis" of how MC sees your r/s. 

I would specifically ask for MC's "analysis" on this.

FF

Some great feedback here from flourdust, Enabler and FF!

FF, to answer your question about how communication improved in my relationship, it felt like the lion’s share of the burden fell upon my shoulders. That said, I’ll have to quote isilme and say it’s impossible to know how hard my husband is trying, since with pwBPD, they may be starting the race a mile behind.

Marriage counseling is challenging enough for two healthy people who deeply desire improvement and have motivation to self examine their behavior. But with a pwBPD in the mix who not only doesn’t want to do that, but in addition blames their partner for all marriage flaws, it is a Herculean task.

Analyzing your situation from a financial perspective (obviously Enabler is a financial pro) is something that will need to be done should you divorce, so having more options now would alleviate a lot of your distress and could help your marriage should you stay.

Since you don’t have a support network there, I too would recommend an individual therapy session to get your T’s overview of the situation. You could share your theory that your wife is a pwBPD. Due to ethical constraints presuming that your MC could continue, she may or may not be able to concur, but she would understand that you have a more nuanced overview of your wife’s behavior.

She has been pleasant to me over the last few days or so.

Maybe because our son's (her) new bed arrived. So she got what she wanted in spite of our argument that led to her getting abandoned in the parking lot.

But she still just doesn't get how to be someone's life-partner.  I'll illustrate with a couple of examples. 
I came home from work yesterday and told her about all the problems I have been having with my boss, who everybody agrees is inadequate and who seems to give me the tough end of the deal with every decision she makes. Anyway, as I describe the various problems I'm having, my wife justifies the bosses decisions that go against me and leaps to her defense when I say something critical about the boss.  My wife doesn't know this boss and has never met her.  I think a "normal" spouse or partner would say something along the lines of:  "Wow, you must be really having a tough time at the moment".  Not my missus.

Similarly, I came home today after the final day of a really tough academic year working in my school. School's out for summer.  She was out, so I came back to an empty house to celebrate.  When she did get home, I shared the excellent news that I had gotten earlier today: that one of the students I taught had gotten the highest grade anybody had ever gotten in my subject in the history of my school in the International Baccalaureat.  And the rest of my students also all passed with great grades too.  I made a big deal of it when I told her the news. " That's great," she said and changed the subject. 

I didn't want a huge song and dance to be made, but, I really would like a bit of the validation that I give her.  It's what (healthy) couples do.

I said goodbye today to some very special coworkers today who are leaving not just my workplace but also the country. That made me sad.  That, and to get such an unempathetic reaction from my wife when I try to share good and bad news made me feel lonely and blue.

Now I have 5 weeks staycation walking on eggshells at home. Honestly I'd rather be at work.

Good Morning Dragon,

Another classic marker of BPD behaviors... ."if its not about them, then they don't have time for it"... .and; if is not ALL about them, or else eludes to "them"... .then they usually; more often than not... .could care less!

I can certainly relate... .and another observation & and on the other hand... .if you; the non, .fail to, or else present a less than an interested attention span for them, when they want to "tell you ALL about their day, ALL about their experience, ALL about their award, ALL about their accomplishments, .ALL about their problems""... .anything less than Full unabated attention, with no time limit... .then you can just stand by!

But alas; this is not reciprocal... .another "thing" that the non must accept, and "take onboard" in order to survive, and deal with; within a relationship with a pw/BPD.

You get used to it after a while, .I have anyways,

Sending good karma your way today Dragon!

Red5

I had what I consider an hilarious (to me) example of this recently. Often I can say something to my husband or ask his opinion on a topic and I get [crickets]... .I don't know if he didn't hear me, isn't interested, doesn't want to talk for some reason, is mad at me, etc.

So the other day, he starts talking about two teams playing in the World Cup. (BTW, I have zero interest in watching sports. I would rather play sports.) Also I know nothing about soccer and I never care who wins whatever.

He stops talking and I say nothing because I have nothing to say. He gets offended. Now he decides that I'm the one who "never says anything" in response to what he has to say. (Uh, from my posts here it seems that I'm not someone who holds back much--that has been a problem in my relationship previously, but recently I'm learning the art of moderation... .)

So yes, Dragon, it seems that validation is a lot to expect, even from someone with a mild form of BPD, like my husband. Occasionally he will rise to the challenge, but so often, if he's not interested, or distracted by his own thoughts, I might as well be talking to one of the cats. At least the cat will show  some signs of interest in what I'm saying. 

After a weekend of relative pleasantness, it's back to eggshells.

I was clearing up our son's toys in the living room and there was one little car that I swept across the floor with my foot.  Mrs. Dragon72 saw me doing that and, like a bossy mother, said to me "Not with your foot".
I replied wearily, "Oh, for goodness sakes".

She went upstairs to get ready for bed. As she always does at 6.15 or so.

When she came back downstairs, I was on the sofa with her space free next to me. She switched on the TV and sat down on the uncomfortable single seat away from the sofa.
"Hey, there's a place for you here next to me," I said, patting the sofa.

"You know what? Shut up," was her reply.
I was too shocked to reply. In any case, I'm not sure what reply would have helped.

Sorry you have to deal with her being back to griping at you... .and doing her thing.

Hey... .keep thinking about $$ and going back to MC.

In your journey, you are at or very close to a turning point.  I would hate for you to delay that... or miss that, for the cost of a few MC sessions.

I get it that your wife may not want to change, this is about you organizing how you will proceed for the next while in your relationship.

Hang in there.

Note:  I push back pretty hard (most of the time) against comments like "not with your foot"... .because it sounds like a "command" vice a request. 

I'm not sure if I'm doing it "right"... .but I usually give her the opportunity to "show me" how to do it properly... .and I make sure I'm not a "voice activated" husband. 

Uggg... I hate that stuff...

Hang in there.

FF

She's back in full-on "moody little girl" mode again.

At the breakfast table she mentioned that one of her friends has gone to the beach for a vacation. She then said let's go to the beach.

I've done an approximate calculation of how much 5 nights at the beach would cost and it's WAY more than we can afford, especially after the recent purchases (bed + other furniture), so I said "No, I'm sorry. We just don't have the money for that." She went silent.

5 minutes later, I said, "Jr. and I want to go to the park this morning. Do you want to come too?"

Silence.

I tried again, "Jr. and I want to go to the park this morning, you want to come too?"
"I have things to do," she replied with venom in her tone.
"OK," I replied cheerfully.

5 more weeks of this sort of scene.  I can't wait till the next semester starts, I can get back to work and spend my time with nicer people.  My teacher coworkers love the long vacations. I dread them.

As Jr. and I headed out to the park, Mrs. D. said, "I'm going to the department store to buy a watch."
Presumably the one that costs a month's wages that she pointed out the last time we went.

She lives in a fantasy world of entitlement to things we can't afford.

Hey... man... .let her be the decider or the one to figure it out.

"oh wow babe... that sounds great.  Please show me how you see that working in the budget and let's go from there... "

The word "no" should never (or rarely) leave your mouth.  If she needs more money... she has a car... .income producing property... .she can go work... etc etc.

Seriously... .stop being the judge... or the "parent" to the moody little girl.

FF

small brain fart and not to take you off topic but D9 who is very sensitive says that she actually gets physical pangs when she hears the word "no" in response to one of her questions. This results in her asking for a menu of possibilities for things like sandwich fillings, in preference to asking for things she might like.

"No" = You're wrong (in entirety)

Not saying "no" isn't always straightforward though.
On the way to the park, we got a call from Jr's swimming teacher saying he was free for a lesson, so we turned back for that.
While we were at the swimming lesson, wife said, "Oh come on, let's go for a few days at the beach. Can't you see how much Jr's loving it? [emotional manipulation] We can get a loan from my brother and pay him back in December when you get your Christmas bonus."

I don't want us to always be living on credit and be spending as-yet unearned money in order to pay for luxuries. 

So I said "No".

I'm on your side... .

You made a choice to say no... .you didn't have to. She tossed out an idea... .you could have restated your values... ."I'm interested in you showing me your idea without debt... ."  (hand it back to her)

then... at some point.

instead of saying no... keep handing it back...

Ask for it back "in writing"... .you don't want to "hear" the idea... .you want to "see" it.

Perhaps even go so far as to ask to see it in writing from her and her brother... .so you can even consider it (let alone say yes or no)

Let her do the work.

keep repeating that... .let her do the work.

FF

Hey... .I've been thinking about this dynamic where she is the "asker" and you are the "solver" or the one that perceives he has to say "no".


I'm certain she is getting some sort of "dysfunctional" need met or perhaps it is a "familiar" need met.  Would you guess that her family told her no a lot?  Or perhaps told her no because she didn't deserve it or some such thing?

I would encourage you to consider your responses so that you have time to "give it some thought" and also to "put it back in her court" (such as letting her know you need to see it in the budget).

So... you are saying these things sound wonderful and since you are sure she has thought it through it shouldn't be much to put it into a budget... .and that you are looking forward to examining it.

How often do you tell her "no".  What would life be like if you cut out 90% of that?

FF

Hey Dragon,
What happened with the watch? Did she buy it? If so, how was she able to do so? Credit card?

When feelings = facts and wants are mistaken for needs, it's imperative for limits to be placed on purchases if they exceed the budget. What sorts of limits can you apply which will stop her out-of-control spending?

I like FF's idea of putting the ball into her court and asking how she's going to afford this latest "need" du jour. As you've mentioned, she has underperforming assets that so far she's not willing to convert to a monetary flow. Perhaps she might be willing if she knows you're not going to subsidize her latest want, now that you've already put yourself into red-line spending getting a new bed for her and your son.

My husband doesn't overspend, but he does sometimes get ideas of things he wants US to do, which often means ME taking the initiative to do it. If I'm not really interested in participating, I agree that his idea is "interesting" and do nothing about it. Left to his own devices, these plans often wither on the vine and he loses interest.

No conflict/no saying "no" to him/just returning the "project" to him to oversee.

Cat

I would go a bit further.

You won't "discuss" her wants in any amount of detail until "she shows you the way".

The only discussion is a brief description of the pathway to you doing any further evaluation... .

FF

Well, I had to say "no" to her again today.  And this relates a bit to the watch question.

Rewind a day or two.  My wife was clearing out some of our son's old stuff and our neighbors who have a 1 year old boy expressed interest in our boy's tricycle.  "How much should I ask for it?" asked my wife.  I suggested half the ticket price of a new one in Walmart (about US$30).

I didn't hear anything more about it, but yesterday I noticed the tricycle had gone. 
":)id you sell the tricycle then?" I asked.
"Yes," she replied and no more was said.

This morning, my wife said she was going for lunch with her sister and she would take our son too.  "Great!" I said, "Have a good time".  Then she said they would also be going to a catalog discount jewelry store "to get my watch with my money" - she was referring to the "allowance" I give her every payday which is for purchases "just for her".
"OK. I hope you find a nice one," I said.

Then, just as they were heading out the door, she asked me for some money for today. 
"You've got the tricycle money. Use that," I said.
"But I was keeping that aside for our son," she replied. 
I thought, but didn't say, oh yeah? When were you going to tell me about that?
"So use your own (allowance) money," I said, "It's for a day out with your sister. That sounds like money you're spending for yourself. Besides, what are you going to spend it on? You said your sister is making you lunch... ."

She span on her heels and left without saying goodbye.

Although I didn't use the word "no", I held my ground and said it with my actions.

Good work upholding your boundaries on her spending!  |iiii

I also want to mention something that happened yesterday.

My wife had asked me to ask one of our neighbours (who speaks very little Spanish and who was moving back to her country of origin) if she had a clothes drying rack that she might let us have if she didn't need it any longer.  "When I get the chance," I replied.

It turned out I never got the chance.

The day after the neighbour left, my wife found out that the neighbour had given the clothes rack to another neighbour.

My wife turned to me and in the tone of a mother who is telling off a child she said my first name, my family name and her family name.  Sorta like: "John Smith Sanchez". (Not our names, but you get the idea.)

Here in Mexico, people conventionally have two last names: the first one from their father and the second one from their mother.  So, just like your mom used to use your full name when she was telling you off, she was doing the same with me, but giving me her family name.  

Now if she were doing that with our son, then fair enough: Johnny Smith Sanchez would be acceptable, because a) that's his full name and b) that's an acceptable way for an adult to talk to a child.

So I said to her, "I don't like the way you are blaming me for the fact that you didn't get something you wanted. Also, I don't like the way that you spoke down to me, especially because you got may name wrong. I'm not a Sanchez."

"But your name is John," she retorted, catching me on the technicality that I said she got my "nombre" wrong. "Nombre" means first name, whereas "appellido" means last name.

I thought it wasn't worth pursuing any more.  I said what I wanted to say. That was as close as I'll ever get to an apology from her.

Thanks, but actually I think I should have done better on the money from the sale of the tricycle.

How is it she has money to go eat out... by watches and all that, yet there is no money for a few more times at MC?

FF

Wonderful job on not saying the word no.

That is big improvement.  You will always be able to find something you wish was better (it's good to self improve).  That being said... .make sure you are patting yourself on the back... bigtime.

FF

*mod*
This topic has been locked due to reaching the page limit.  Part 2 can be found here:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327355.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327355.0)