BPDFamily.com

Hey there everyone,

This is my third thread on these forums hence the name and I've found alot of help here as well as some comradery and mateship through the process so thankyou all for that. Truth is I'm not 100% sure what I want to write today but I know I need to write something. For my own benefit if nothing else. Those of you who may have been following my story know how far I've come since the start of the year, what I've been through and what I've learnt or skills I've developed along the way. So much happens so regularly it is hard to keep track of it all even just for myself let alone retelling it. Truth be told for everything I've learn I'm sure there is 10x more still to be learnt.

Recently my undiagnosed ex returned to give things another shot, main I think because she had accumulated debt and was tired of working all the time and not being able to make ends meet. She didn't say she loved me or missed me. Infact getting back together seemed like it was more about her than it was having anything to do with me. Things were seemingly back to the good side of normal although I made sure to keep things slow. However shortly after she had made no attempt to change her schedule to make more time for the kids or I and kept taking time to herself. Which could be for any number of reasons really, some I'd rather not think about. My attempts to get her to adjust her schedule so she has move time for us and isn't so exhausted all of the time just lead to me being attacked for trying to control her, for not supporting her, to drag her bad parenting or poor love for our children into the conversation (which I have never done btw). When I respond by saying I haven't said anything about parenting I'm then accused because I'm about to bring it up. The only time I've said anything about our family is saying that we need her. As a plea not as a threat or blackmail. She's selfish and self-centred and will admit she is without a moments hesitation. She believes I'm responsible for making her happy within the relationship because she has always been so unhappy with me. Today it became clear that the reason she can't remain single is financial and although she's had a nice time with me I haven't been living up to her demands. This came off the back of me trying to discuss my needs in our relationship and trying to get her to take some ownership for what is going on between us. Then a bust that she's sick of us already, she's more stressed than ever and she can do it on her own. Alot of these attacks I can defuse, deflect and not take deeply personally but they do still leave a burn and an empty here we go again pain in the gut. My trust for her is extremely low to non existent at this stage and it doesn't seem like she's prepared to do anything about it. Every time I try to have any kind of substance or depth regarding what has happened, what is happening and what we could improve going forward she checks out of the conversation all together after becoming verbally hurtful and abusive / shaming me for my stance.

To best describe it would be feel like the lowest possible priority on someone's list while having them expect to be at the top of yours. Like arguing with an infant child over cutting their sandwich into squares or triangles. Like enduring another round of torture even though you're well aware of the outcome. Like I'm the only one that can see what it is I'm dealing with. Empty, hollow, used, foolish, unimportant, disrespected, worthless, meaningless, powerless, hopeless and a failure.

I'm not sure how this will read but hopefully it's an openly for some more supportive and constructive dialogue to follow.

Cheers All

Hi sladezy,

So, wanted to ask, when your ex came back was there any kind of status update on what the nature of the relationship would be at this time or she just sorta plopped down and there she was again?

Do you have any say over her being there or not? Do you own a home together?

Why doesn't she make an effort with the kids?

with compassion, pearl.

Hi Pearl,

She come back after landing in debt saying she could no longer live the way she had been living and couldn't keep working / studying / doing her hobby anymore because it was too much and she was not making ends meet from the start. I gave a list of what I would expect to see change in order to move forward and work our way back together and to reduce the chaos in order for me to even be involved in the situation. As the situation she found her self in way hers and not mine at that stage because I'd basically been shut out. She had said we can make it work, however I was sure to keep things moving slowly. As it came time to address my issues and changes each one was met with resistance to change, things like reducing her work load in either study or hobbies in order to create some normality and balance to our family life but any attempt to discuss the issues were rebelled against or dismissed. Which was really frustrating as all that really happened in this time was I took on more of the load with the children so she could complete hobbies she had commited to and she had no time for me or family time.

We are not living together at this stage but would spend a couple of nights there through the week. She doesn't make an effort with the children because she is over commited in other areas she deems more important I suppose. Which is a stretch on me, my family and her family having to rely on regular baby sitting options. I really just want a fair and equal arrangement. I don't want her to stop doing anything she loves doing however prioritising what is important and not doing everything at once needs to happen. She thinks I'm trying to control her when I'm just trying to stabilise the ship and give the kids what they need. If I ever mention the kids needs I'm attacking her parenting and by asking her to do less I'm not supporting her. It's never ending.

Hello sladezy, glad to see you with a new thread, but sorry you're having a rough time.

The situation sounds frustrating.  I know all you want is what's best for your family, especially the kids.  As you look at the situation, what aspects of it can you control, and what aspects of it are out of your control?

WW

She's just formally told me that she is sorry and she only tried to get back together for financial reasons as it was the easiest option. I think she just used me to get through a period where she needed extra help with the kids during her time with them and as soon as it came time to make any changes of her own she stamped her feet and walked away again. I might just be angry right now but I feel the need to no longer continue tlmy relationship with her daughter and only continue the relationship with my own and move on with my life. It will hurt like hell for both myself and her daughter however the extra burden on me and the benefit to gives to me ex is something I'm no longer comfortable with.

Somehow I missed the fact that she has a daughter from a previous relationship.  How old is she?  Was she part of the family when your kids were born?  Is she close to them?  Has she been living with your wife since she moved out?

WW

Wentworth,

He is 4 in a couple of months. I've been in her life since she was about 9 months. Her biological Father isn't in the picture at all. I am her only father. Since the split she's been mostly in my care with our daughter. I've gone and told her I'm ending my relationship with the child if my ex continues to act this way and as painful as it is I mean it. If things play out this way I have no choice. I told her, her decisions effect more than just her and maybe she might make a decision based on somebody else's needs instead of my own. That I will not be treated this way any longer one way or another. The ball is in her court but I don't have very high hopes for a sensible decision to be made. I realize how counter productive my behaviour towards this is and how potentially damaging it is to myself and my family but I am not responsible for carrying the burden of or raising a child and allowing my ex the ability to have as much freedom as she likes n do what she likes while I carry the load. I will move on with me life and focus on myself instead of being a baby sitter.

Hi sladezy,

I am sorry, I'm a bit new to your story! Still grasping the details here... .

Are you saying you will cut off or pull back on your relationship with her young child? Is this child under your roof or living separately?

take care, pearl.

Hi pearl,

Up until now both daughters had been sharing the same parenting schedule 4 night with me 3 with her (though she barely has them when it's her time).

She's arranged alternative care arrangements with her daughter to stay with her mother when she needs to now. Meaning she has not / can not make a decision based on anyone but herself. I'm going to have to come to terms with that and let her face the fallout. I need to look after myself and my daughter now and move on with my life, I dont see any part of her capable of positive change and I've simple been used to much to trust her again.

Is it fair to say that you are trying to "send a message" to your wife?

If we put both children first in this, what care arrangement do you think would be the best for them?

WW

Hi sladezy,

I do not presume to know what is right for you or your life, but in terms of this 4 year old stepchild, and your own biological child, let me say this. This 4 year old has no idea you are her “stepdad”. You are just dad. If you reject her suddenly she will be damaged, in ways that could possibly follow her for a lifetime.

Angry as you are, and I get that, your ex is not helping and you are taking on an extra “burden” in life if this is not what you want to do right now, participating in caretaking for this child, but please, don’t act out of anger.

Stop. Think carefully. If this is about punishing her, your partner, or getting her to “wise up”, think again.

If you can only do it on behalf of your other child… Presumably the children have the same mom, right? Then please consider not cutting off the 4 year old as a way to at least provide love and companionship and a healthy sibling relationship to your biological child.

I know. It sucks. Sometimes the people we share kids with are lousy at parenting, and not just lousy sometimes, but completely selfish and damaging. If you can find any compassion in your heart, place yourself in that kid’s shoes and do all you can until this can be peacefully and amicably resolved - if at all possible.

What is the best possible outcome you can imagine with your ex and these co-parenting issues? It sounds like you do want to be involved with her and not broken up. Is that correct? If so, pressuring her via the kids would not be a good strategy.

with compassion, pearl.  

Hi sladezy,

I wanted to pop in and acknowledge how hard it is to be the only person parenting the kids.  Both my SO and I are in this situation with our children.

I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years who frankly was never a father to his son.  I would describe myself as a single parent my son's whole life. (Not to mention it felt like I was "parent" his father as well  ) My son is now a young adult and has minimal contact with his dad (his choice).  It has been really rough at times having no support but my son needed me to show up for him and I believe I have.  He is working and putting himself through college and is a great kid... .in spite of the dysfunction he was exposed to.

I have also shown up for my SO's daughters one of which is no longer in contact with her mother and the other who is low contact and still trying with her mom.  I don't try to replace their mom, just try to be a female adult in their life that they can turn to if they choose. (they are older than your two kids)

I want to encourage you to be their for your step-daughter, you are her father just as you are for your biological child... .she knows no other dad.  She is counting on you to show up for her just as your biological child is.  Don't punish this innocent little girl because you are resentful of her mother's lack of parenting.  You make a difference in both children's lives and your presence is "normalcy", is "stability", is "consistency", is 'generosity"... .is super important to the development of both children.

In other words don't throw the baby (step-daughter) out with the bathwater (your anger at your wife). 

Hang in there,
Panda39

You feel betrayed,  yes? Hurt? Angry, certainly.


This is exactly how I read my own situation. It wasn't about me,  but her.  What would I get out of it other than parenting a 35 year old? (Again)

After 4 years gone (a year ago),  my ex asked to move back in. "Can I please come back? I can't stand to be without my kids no more (sic)?"

It was tempting;  partly for financial reasons, and partly due to the fact that nothing would have made our kids happier. I did also kind of miss her... .or maybe more correctly,  the idea of her.  The fact that she was still married,  but separated, from the guy she left me for was another story and bridge to cross  

I don't,  however,  have the situation you are in as the kids are both biologically related to me,  and there is a custody order in place.  I did deal with her self absorption at the time and I had the kids more than 50% the first two years.  

I imagine it would be very difficult to split the family at this point (of course she already has be her self-absorption and neglect of both her daughters and also you).

Would you be prepared to move forward legally to secure custody of your bio daughter? Would you be open to keeping contact with her daughter assuming you shared custody?

Turkish

Wentworth,

No I'm not sending a message but the one she is receiving is that I don't deserve a relationship with her daughter if the way she is acting is enough to make me throw it away. (again making it my fault and not hers). If things were in both the kids best interests than I would say yes it is best to keep them together. This does not mean I am capable of doing so for the long term along and work full time. I just don't have that kind of energy to sustain forever while she takes no responsibility and lives a care free life. If things are this way for a little while maybe her family with step and and see what I have to deal with exclusively maybe they won't. I can't raise a child with her where I have no say in her upbringing and don't get heard even with my own child. The stress that will bring on me almost consistently is too much. This way I don't need to have deciding conversations with the mother and I can't be damaged by the effects her decisions have.

Pearl,

I'm have no motive to get back with my ex anymore and this is part of my moving away from that. I've grown tired of living up to my end of the bargain. Its about protecting myself and moving my ex as far out of my life as possible. However I did give me ex the ultimatum of not treating me poorly or not dropping her daughter off to me, which she then did without another word about it. Its her impulse to be in control that drives her. If however she had no other option of a baby sitter, I am certain she would have opted to assess her behavior towards me. 

Panda,

I don't understand why everyone here and in my home life is placing this much responsibility on me. My parents are quilting and shaming me, her parents have spoken about me out of turn on social media. My EX has guilt me and tried to see if I will change my mind without her changing the way she treats me. No it is not this innocent little girls fault and no I don't feel all the great about the position she has been put in but when her own mother doesn't care enough to make decisions for her best interests yet holds all the control how can I be accountable ? how is requesting to be treated with some common decency too much to ask for the love and care of ones daughter ? In the past two weeks I've actually been happier and have more energy because my ex doesn't have me in a sleeper hold, I'm not worn down by a full time job and caring for two full on children. Being able to bond with my daughter alone has been amazing for me and I hope for her too. I agree this is not fair on her daughter but it isn't fair on me and I'm at my breaking point. I've burnt the candle at both ends for too long.

Turkish,

I would be prepared to move forward with legal custody If I knew how  / thought I could prove any of what is happening. My ex has her way of innocently doing all these neglectful things and then spinning them around into onto me. I did this, I did that. She has seen a councilor and I've met with her Councillor about my concerns regarding my ex but the Councillor doesn't see what I see as she is only presented with what she shows the them. I don't know what it would be other than a long drawn out, expensive argument I will never win. For yourself and others who may not have seen part 1 and 2 of this thread my ex is not diagnosed with BPD and is certain she has no mental issues despite her disrupted upbringing and her sister how suffered the same events being diagnosed.

All,

I know that most / all feel like I have the power to avoid the detriment of a young child in this situation by being her father. I know a few or a lot here on this site have been in or are in similar situations. I've been pushed to my limit and found peace over and over and over again and now I reached my limit. The only peace I can find now is in moving forward from this toxic merry-go-round. Protecting and sheltering myself as best I can and raising my daughter the best I can. I can't battle depression, fatigue, 2 small children and a full time job + study with one hand tied behind my back and a lunatic whirlwind of bull___ who thinks the universe revolves around her. I am hurt that it has come to this. I am hurt that I do know better but in the end I don't see another option. The choice was given by me yes but taken by her mother. I have been hurt to the depths of my soul and I can't keep doing it. Will she change her mind and want me back in her daughters life ? Most definitely as soon as my ex needs it that way. I can't do it anymore.   

 

You are at your limit.  It's a horrendously difficult situation you are in, compounded by the fact that others don't recognize her disorder and much of your suffering is hidden and not understood.  That totally sucks, pardon my French.  I'm sorry you have to bear that burden.

If I'm reading correctly, you gave your wife a choice between treating you right or taking her child back.  The outcome of that was predictable.

I'm glad to hear that you are enjoying the one-on-one time with your daughter.  That time can be really special, and as a single parent with two kids, would be difficult to come by, I understand.


What if we just look at your daughter's best interest?  Would she benefit from being with her sister?

You are the expert in your situation.  Only you know all the burdens you're feeling, what your limits are, etc.  None of us can tell you what to do.  Without claiming it's an answer, let me offer something that I'm in a position to offer -- a view of the road ahead as the girls grow.  My daughters are 13, 17, and 19.  The 4 year old is about to start school.  In just couple of years, both girls will be in school.  The physically exhausting workload of fathering toddlers will wane and you'll have school-age kids.  Think about your time as a dad with a 5 and 7 year old, a 6 and 8 year old, a 7 and 9 year old.  What feels like a burden now will become a blessing.  That one-on-one dynamic that feels like a refreshing change now can have its difficulties in large doses (I'm currently living alone with my 13 year-old).  Two school-age daughters who have their own time together can actually be less work for a Dad, and have richer lives together. 

Fully parenting both kids is not something that can be expected of you.  Certainly laying a guilt trip on you is not going to make it feel like the thing to do.  But, as an older dad thinking solely of your satisfaction with life over time, I think you'd be richly rewarded and glad to have kept your parenting role with both girls and to have kept them together.

Perhaps one way to approach this is to avoid black-and-white thinking.  Not refusing to care for the 4 year old at all, yet not signing up for now to have her all the time.  Have her part of the time, but also have some alone time with your daughter.  Research shows that kids do better with flexible, rather than rigid, parenting plans.  Perhaps her family can pitch in.  If you go to the families and explain that you want the best for the kids, but need help, you might be surprised at the support you get.

WW

Got abused by my family again last night for what is going on. Pretty much the all round bad guy now but my family aren't willing to hear my side. Haven't had any contact with my ex. I wanted to contact her today to ask if she was comfortable teach our children what her mother taught her because I was curious since I'd heard her talk ill of her mother's behaviour before.

Really struggling for any motivation at the moment.

Hi sladezy,

I'm sorry you're feeling picked on from all sides.  I didn't mean to do that in my post only to give you a different perspective.  I truly do understand how hard it can be to do all... .and I mean all of the heavy lifting when it comes to parenting. It is hard, but it can also be very rewarding.

So what happened last night with your family?  I also wondered if you were seeing a Therapist at all?  My SO saw one during the worst part of his divorce and found it really helpful to talk with someone outside of the situation, who could give objective support, share coping tools and strategies for specific situations that he had going on at the time.

Can you talk with your family about what you need from them?  That you need support from them not to feel beat up by them.  Do your family members know about BPD at all, is anyone interested in reading about it maybe?  It can be hard for people outside of the situation to really see what's going on, and when they have no experience with mental illness they approach things like they are dealing with an emotionally healthy rational person when in fact they're not.


I feel your anger and frustration here, doing this might feel good in the short run, but in the long run all you are doing is escalating the drama which will likely cause more problems for you in the long run.  By not engaging in the drama, by not taking the bait, by not JADEing (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) you can actually de-escalate things. By de-escalating things you give yourself some breathing room. Are you able to just take a break from the conflict... .give yourself some time away to rest, to focus on something else, to take care of you?  Maybe set a boundary of some kind... .maybe just don't talk about the relationship with your ex or your family for a few days.

More on JADE... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Hang in there,
Panda39

More abuse from my father tonight. He started a conversation with me claiming he wanted to try to understand where I was coming from. After about 2 minutes it was pretty clear it wasn't an open discussion. It was basically back me into a corner until he had a way to attack me. I moved here to seek refuge from the abuse of my relationship and I wind up on the receiving end of more. I understand he doesn't agree or see why things have come to this. I understand he is hurting. I am hurting too and this extra pressure  / abuse is not helping a damn thing. Really sick of things just getting worse n worse for me. Feeling it build up to some big changes in my life.

Hi sladezy,

I am sorry you are feeling pressure from all sides. That sounds like a very difficult position to be in.

In what way is your father pressuring you may I ask?

How are you feeling about your situation? Are there any updates? Are you helping with both children now? Or just your biological child?

wishing you peace, pearl.

Hi Pearl,

It's coming in the form of emotional / verbal abuse. It basically seems like they are going to continue their relationship with this child and are pressuring me to do the same. Which is very awkward since we currently live in the same house as each other.

I have the urge to contact my EX again. I haven't heard anything from her in 3 weeks now I think. I probably don't expect to hear from her until after she has finished the play she is currently performing in because that's what she is determined to do. I want to ask this time if she thinks she is pushing me away so she doesn't have to take responsibility for what is happening. It's probably a waste of time.

I feel like where I am at right now is I'd still love to have my family together but I feel like it is no longer possible. I feel like my EX will not ever make a positive step in that direction and even if she does I don't think I can trust again now.

Further to that I have been painted as the all round bad guy and everyone is on board so she would be loving all the extra support everyone is giving her.

Hi sladezy,

I'm hearing some depression sneaking in here, are you able to see a Therapist at all? (if you're not already)  I think it would be something good you could do for yourself... .get some extra support, and advice from someone who is outside the situation... .someone you see in person.

Is there somewhere else you could stay for awhile... .take a break from the drama and the pressures?  I feel this all bearing down on you.  If you must stay where you are, are there some things that you enjoy doing that you could do that might offer you some relief?

I find some sort of exercise helpful... .peace and quiet to think on a walk, get those endorphins going on a hike, go for a bike ride?  Or maybe a couple hours of escapism at the movies.  Or maybe you are good with your hands and creative... .maybe work on a project.

Take care of you 
Panda39

Hi Panda,

I've battled on n off with anxiety and depression for over a decade so I'm not surprised you can pick that up. I am seeing a psychologist semi regularly but havent been for 2 months or so as before this bull___ things were going smoothly.

I tried to talk with my ex today regarding what I want for our family, asking questions to see what she wanted, why she felt the way she felt etc. She didn't answer a single question I asked avoided everything I said and then called me delusional and a list of other things with a list of assumptions that were completely unrelated to what I was trying to discuss. At one point while talking about the children she checked out by saying stop messaging me, only talk to me about the children. I also asked about sd and if she was concerned that Her daughter hadn't seen me. She simply told me that I asked not to be considered her father anymore and not to put that on her. I got heated after that and she deserved everything I gave her. Truth needs to be said sometimes.

Skip over to the night time and I had a massive fight with my father tonight about the situation. When I tried to explain what I am dealing with with her he was dismissive and even saying at one point, I'm the one who has a diagnosis (anxiety and depression)  not her and also implied that I am responsible for screwing up the kids lives. I am seriously considering moving in with a friend until I can find a place of my own.

Can you manage a few therapy appointments (I know it can get expensive sometimes) at least in the short term?  It might help you feel less overwhelmed and better able to cope with what is going on.

And at the same time if you can stay with a friend even for a couple of days and get out from under your family for a while I think that would help too.

To use the airplane analogy... .When the oxygen masks come down the flight attendant instructs us to put on our own mask first and then help others with theirs, why? Because you can't help anyone else if you are unconscious. 

Same principal for you take a break from your ex and your family... .make time to take care of you.  It will help to put some distance there (give you some perspective), take care of you for a while, and recharge your batteries, then you can better be there for your daughter.

Have you read the information the site has about the Karpman Triangle?  I can see some of this going on with your ex, your family and you.  How might you be able to get off the triangle or move to the center of the triangle?  Are there any boundaries that you can set that might help your situation?  Always keeping in mind that the only person we can truly control is ourselves, what might you change to help yourself?

More on the Karpman Triangle... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Maybe focus on you for a little while... .this is not selfish, it is self care. 

Panda39

Hi all my thread just got moved to this new group. I don't know if anyone could provide some kind input?

All the folks who have supported you on this thread will still see the updates, but you may gather some additional perspectives from the folks on Conflicted.

It sounds like these are tough times all around.  How have you been doing the last couple of days?  How is your daughter doing?

WW

Wentworth,

As I write this I feel actual ill in my stomach. Last weekend I asked for her bio daughter to be dropped off with my daughter for my normal care time. She ignored my request. Later that day I get a call from my ex's sister asking me to pick my daughter up from her Nan's place because my ex has just left in an ambulance with non bio daughter because she was jumping on the bed, fell and hit her head and ended up with 7 or 8 stitches and a nasty gash that nearly almost took her eye out. She was in hospital for the entire weekend. I visited once and ignored my ex. Once I she was out of hospital I asked again if the care could resume with her daughter. She told me she was going to do mediation to organise a parenting plan and that until that was done she would keep care of her daughter (mind you she doesn't care for this child anymore than she was previously which has left my ex's mother doing the extra caring and God knows who else when she isn't available). She had the mediation meeting today, I have no idea what shes planned or proposed to them. My father contacted her tonight to ask if her daughter can stay with him on Friday nights because he wants to take her to do athletics of an afternoon. She said she was ok with it then commented that I won't be very happy when I recieve a letter from the place that did the mediation and that she intends to keep soul custody of her child (probably for the benefits sake). I'm worried sick that she is now going to use the custody of her daughter to leverage more custody (and more money) of our child. I'm paranoid because almost everything I have had a guy feeling about in these times have become a reality. Please help I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm being ran into the ground and cut off at the knees. Even if I feel like I'm morally in the right and have enough evidence that she has neglected the children I'll still end up losing or broke, or both. This is a serious cry for help this time. I feel like she will stop at nothing to have her way regardless of who or what it affects.

Hi sladezy

This is a great board for receiving emotional support, I also wanted to suggest that maybe you post on the Legal/custody/co-parenting board in terms of custody information and strategies in relation to your daughter.   I can hear your worry around custody of your daughter.

It is a great board with members who have been through the courts and have dealt with custody issues and I'm sure they can give you some ideas and strategies to help protect your rights as father and access to your daughter.  You might want to start a post about custody over there (if you haven't already  )

Panda39

I just can't deal with this ___ anymore it is ___ed up. I strive to live the most stress and drama free life I possibly can. I worked very hard for alot of years to ensure I had financial security because debt when I was younger caused me an extreme amount of stress. With the thread of child support, court fee's and anything else that might come along is going to completely screw me over. I was in a position where I was ready to buy a house (our family home while we were together). To now because of child support and having dependants on my single income not being able to borrow. Am I now condemned to rent and keep my cash reserve for a potential court battle. I'm sick of the games, I'm sick of the lies, the plays for control. I just want my kids for my share of the arrangement that is already in place and I'd rather put the court battle money towards the kids futures.

I hear your frustration and fear.  It's awful when other people don't get what's going on and made worse when you are blamed for things that aren't yours. 

It's likely your dad hasn't ever experienced someone like your wife so he doesn't understand it.  He also doesn't seem to be able to hear your perspective which really sucks.   

I'm going to circle back around to suggesting you make some therapy visits for yourself.  I think you will find someone that gets it and who can be helpful vs your dad who rather than being supportive is making things worse.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all of this.  Are you able to set some time aside for yourself and do a little self care... .take a break from things for just a little while?

Panda39

Thanks for the response Panda,

I've made an appointment to see my psychologist early week who has been alone for the ride and does know or atleast understand the back story. I've now got shared care of both children again though I had to agree to lying for her to get the welfare money she wants (which is all she wanted). Over all my life feels like it's jammed on auto pilot right now damned if I do and damned if I don't. Can "win" in any aspect of my life. Anxiety is pretty low however my stress is high and my motivation is flat. Unless anxiety is just manifesting in the form of stress. I feel like ___ and I look like ___ as a result of it. Self esteem is in the bin. Physical pain is also causing me almost unbearable discomfort and I can't seem to take the first step in fixing it (I've had several remedial massages and have been stretching as regularly as I can remember and have the energy and time to but I'm seeing no results from it.

Having the thought of either renting or buying my own space and moving out on one hand seems positive in terms of my mental health and keeping myself busy in maintaining it etc however negative on the other hand in having no help with the kids, losing my nest egg and or any potential further savings while living at home that may need to be used for legal proceedings if required and being alone.

Hey Sladezy,

Welcome to the wonder board where magical wonderful things happen. The conflicted board isn't all hugs and validation but we're excellent at straightening out heads, generating space for yourself to breath and most importantly helping you chew through the gravitas of your current reality.

At the moment, my guess is you feel a number of different sensations (and yes, some of these I'm just extracting from your writing but I'm writing mainly about my own personal experience a year ago):

- you feel like there is a big foot on your head, you feel weighed down by a HUGE rucksack of fear, responsibility, uncertainty and depression. Most of the 'stuff' you feel is out of your control but it's weighing you down and you feel trapped. You have felt this before and suffer with taking on other peoples baggage to prop everything up.

- You feel alone as though no one understands your BPD relationship, your closest family think you are trying to convince them that unicorns exist. You desperately want your fathers validation and support but he's not giving it to you as he 'doesn't get mental illness' and wants you to 'man up'.

- there are things you know are not right, you can't 100% put your finger on all the facts so your reality is very fuzzy... .about the past, current and definitely the future.

- you await your partners next vicious move as you know it's going to be as painful if not more than her previous knife twist. You want to understand her thinking to get ahead of the game so you can prepare yourself for the next twist. Each direction seems fraught with danger.

- you feel an enormous amount of resentment about the financial destruction she could cause and you fear poking the hornets nest because you believe this will cause her to increase her vicious attacks on you. 


Let me start by relaying something I discussed with my T last night. He pointed out that now that I have control over my own emotions, my W's emotional volatility is more visible, not only to me, but her and other people. I'm still exasperated about why other people don't see this unicorn but it's slowly becoming clearer and clearer to more and more people. You are at the very beginning of your journey, you need to gain a sense of patience... .which brings me on to my next point.

Radical acceptance... .the sooner you do this, the sooner you can and will gain emotional comfort. I like to think of my current situation as a decision tree... .each outcome or decision by others moves you down a branch in a certain way, you have little control over these moves but each move reduces the likelihood of one set of outcomes and increases the probability of another. At the moment there is a huge range of outcomes in your outlook. Now, decide what outcomes you cannot tolerate and focus ALL of your energy on avoiding those outcomes. The only outcome I couldn't tolerate was one where my W blamed me for the divorce and sought to alienate my 3 girls against me and one where she sought to fight a protracted court based divorce rinsing me for every penny now and going forward. SO... .now my efforts are purely based on avoiding that. I cannot change how she feels so I have opted to avoid having my finger prints on anything legal... .I don't ask, I don't push, I don't esquire... .I know because I keep my eyes open, but I say nothing. I'm building the best possible relationship I can with my kids, I spend as much of my free time with them as possible and I put forward the best possible father figure I can, one I hope they will remember in the possible months/years to come despite what W may or may not do... .all other outcomes on the decision tree are somewhat tolerable.  Financial security... .gone. Forever house... .gone. 20yr relationship... .gone. I had to grieve for it's death, but I wrote myself a low point and started looking up. I am not in control of how that up looks, but I started getting excited about it. All other outcomes other than that tiny slither on the decision tree look good to me now.

Your life has changed forever now. You have mentally shone a light on the troubles in your relationship and the likely reasons for them, you cannot undo that. All directions now look challenging, why... .because they are... .but that's your reality. I say a little saying to myself when I feel anxious "I will not die, I will survive, I will wake tomorrow to feel the sun on my face, I have a unique set of skills which will allow me to thrive regardless of what life throws at me."

Now, that rucksack of burdens... .do an inventory of the things in your worry bag. Some are yours, some are hers, some are your families. Turf out any unnecessary baggage, hopes, dreams etc etc. you don't need this now, you can pick them up later. Just bare bones. You will feel lighter on your feet and more nimble to roll with stuff. I don't believe it's possible to drag your life blueprint through this kind of life trauma, when you're on the other side you can reformulate what that is.

How you left? You've got no dreams or aspirations, you're at your life's low, you're focusing all your energy on avoiding the worst case scenario by focusing on your kids AND YOU. A quote from Curious Case of Benjamin Button - You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You could swear, curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go. You'll be surprised at the positive effects it not only has on you physically and mentally... .but on how your disorder becomes less visible and hers becomes MORE visible.

Hope that it helpful as a starting point.

Enabler

Hi sladezy,

Glad to hear you're seeing the psychologist... .I'm hearing some depression... .lack of motivation can be a symptom (I've been there too  :hug.  Good that the anxiety is down.  Maybe see if you can get some tools for stress reduction from your psychologist.  In terms of the physical pain have you seen your physician about that?

I can say for me a good long walk helps with sttress... .gets you out in the sunlight, is good for your health, using that energy can lessen the stress/tension, can give you a quiet place to think, gets those endorphins going so your mood improves.  I also know that getting that walk started when you are feeling depressed and not motivated can be hard... .it can feel overwhelming. But I'd like to encourage you to give it a try.


I would just sit with this for awhile, the answer might not be clear yet but something might change that nudges you one direction or the other, also maybe the choice is to stay for now and move later, maybe make this a goal... .you could set a financial goal in terms of savings once you meet it then go for example.  In the short term maybe you get yourself a hotel room for a night... .get away from it all (out from under your dad's feet for a little while). 


I'm glad you are seeing the kids again (I bet they are glad to see you too!)  Lying for her is concerning though, I know this is not who you are.  You see the blackmail here right?  By going along with this she also now has more to blackmail you with.  Could there have been another way to handle this? If I remember right you don't have a legal custody agreement at this point correct?  I would encourage you to pursue this, because until you do, you won't have legal recourse and your kid's mom will be able to pull this kind of thing again.  If she does and you comply you will be getting sucked in deeper and deeper, and I know you don't want to go there.

What are your thoughts on getting a legal custody agreement at this point?

Hang in there,
Panda39

Enabler thanks for the long response. It's given me alot to think about. The one thing I truely want to avoid is not being able to raise my kids in a family environment. It's goes against everything moral grain of fibre in my soul. I honestly don't want that for them. I am not blind to the issues and amount of work that is required for that to be possible however I would do ANYTHING that was required for that to happen.

Hey Sladezy... .you and me are in the same boat, however, you have to accept that it requires 2 people to want to be in a relationship. By their very nature, relationships are risky, at any point one can unilaterally check out for whatever reason they might choose. You can only make yourself the best possible person and the most healthy parent possible. You being the healthy adult in the relationship have a responsibility to remain healthy such that you can SHOW your kids what healthy looks like, they will see that and gravitate to it. Detach yourself from the emotional rollercoaster and focus on being a stable, emotionally health, solid parent.

Enabler

Enabler,

I did get myself into the position you are describing once and I was even able to enforce boundries which made me feel more in control.  However she managed to chip away at them one by one and say she wanted to get back together which I only commited to because of wanting my family together. Once that ball was rolling the refusal and excuses to remove my boundries one by one. This has thrown me back in the deep end and lead me here I guess and made me more n more aware of what / who I'm dealing with. I'm not an expert with boundries by any means by I felt like they srarted to come together pretty well when I got the hang of them. All I have done now is fed the narrsasistic supply trying to be rational / logical. One of the hardest parts I think for other people to understand atleast in my direct life out side of these forums is that my relationship with my ex outside of when she gets like this which is extremely unhealthy and actually a very fulfilling and functional relationship and even she agrees with me on that.

One thing you wrote about being the healthy parent and the children gravitating towards that has been said by people in my personal life too but here are my concerns regarding that. Within my care the kids have rules etc away child should. At their mothers or extended family they do not. They don't get stopped from doing anything, they are fed treats, juice and junk food  alot. To me the kids enjoy this freedom and pampering and will likely prefer and gravitate towards that as youngsters and into their teen and adolescents.  What are your thoughs on this?

Who can say with absolute certainty what the kids will choose to do... .but... .from what I have experienced, children like a container, it makes them feel safe. Children without boundaries will likely seek to find them, that’s why they push you too your limits, this is why teenagers seek to push boundaries as well, they are seeking to break free of the control of their primary attachments. The key is, to define YOUR relationship with your children independently from your ex. The children will know for certain what is expected of them and provides a safe environment for mutual enjoyment of the time together.

Read up on parenting styles, passive, authoritative and authoritarian. The one I have chosen is authoritive and couples clear defended age appropriate  boundaries, age appropriate responsibilities, accountability on both sides. I was authoritarian to counteract my W’s flip floppy passive/authoritarian style... .no rules... .then shouting. I realised I can make this work independently from my W and the children define each adult separately.

Being captain fun mum will probably backfire especially if she isn’t truly committed to passive parenting as it relies on you really not caring at all if one of your kids causes complete chaos. Passive switching to authoritarian confuses the hell out of kids.

Re your boundaries. They were for you to maintain. I know how it happens and maybe you didn’t know what you know now, but you can only blame yourself for letting them drop. Lessons learnt though and from failure comes wisdom.

Doing well

Enabler

My SO's uBPDxw is both indulgent and neglectful.

The girls need socks and underwear mom buys costume jewelry.  Most recently, D17 needs school fees paid for (per court order mom is responsible for this), the school fees haven't been paid for but mom shelled out $200 for a Senior picture photo shoot, that could have been done by her dad or with friends for free  

I might also add that the lack of boundaries at mom's comes with strings, and emotional/verbal abuse, parentification and enmeshment that must be tolerated to be allowed those freedoms. 

Dad has the un-glamourous jobs of putting a roof over their heads, feeding, clothing them, supporting them through school etc. 

Guess who the girls voted with their feet to live with? In 2015 they both chose to live with their dad.  Dad was stable, and consistent, he had stable housing, a job, drives (mom doesn't drive) all the things you need to do the un-glamorous tough job of parenting.

Everything may seem great on the surface living with Disneyland mom, but there is much more involved here that your kids might very well get tired of. 

You do what you do and let her do her.

Panda39

You're getting excellent advice from Enabler and Panda39 here, but I wanted to stop by and cheer you on.  These are tough times.  You will get through it and get to a better place.  I'm glad you're getting time with both kids   That is huge.

WW

Thanks everyone for giving me lots to think about and consider.

Enabler,
What you said about my boundries made me think that actually my boundries or my core boundries atleast are still in place and are the reason for my ex's revolt of the situation forcing us back to being seperated and not working on getting back together. I was able to compromise on some of the smaller issues remember that all things should be equal and if she had an issue that I heard, understood and seeked to resolve. However the compromise was never reciprocated by my revised request and instead the revised request was pushed n pushed until It got to things I wasn't prepared to negotiate on without her coming to the party on anything at all. I guess until you made me think about it I felt defeated again just by her testing and pushing my boundries because my boundries became the thing that was stopping the reconciliation of my family which was the peak of my desire. I felt as if I was the problem (again).

I'll look into the parenting styles when I get some free free time, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel for the course I've been studying.

Panda,

Good to know that the kids found their way in your experience and it does provide hope that the same will occur for me while I'm sure it doesn't always go that way. My T told me that as long as the kids have 1 "normal" parent they will turn out ok as the grow up, which I guess is part of what enabler was saying a few posts ago. Has that been the case for the kids in your life or has there been things along the was that have required some adjustment and coping for them to get to that point of being ok?

Wentworth,

Thanks as always.

Just an update of late.

She threatened me to consider the consequences of not signing the fraudulent form for her last night n that it would be ready and waiting for me to sign at the next change over. I got my mum to drop them off for me. Later it was clear that she has the intention of withholding her daughter again because I hadn't lived up to my word of signing. I asked not to be blackmailed and said that it's in the kids best interest for them to stay together while we sort this out ourselves (through the mediation that she initiated and getting a parenting plan). She come back saying that it's best for the kids that they are provided for in both house holds to which I reminded her she needs to do her part in providing that by working and that the arrangement is 50/50 and she is 50% responsible for providing for the children. To stop making me responsible for her portion and not to use the kids to blackmail me. Haven't heard from her since so who knows whats next.

It was a five year rough journey for them both to be able to see who/what the problem was. (D17 still has trouble with boundaries and her mother).

This is just a synopsis of the different situations that have punctuated the journey... .

The first 2 years after my SO left his ex (this was during the divorce... .yes it took 2 years ) were the worst.  Initially dad had custody every other weekend and dinner Wednesday nights so not much visitation.  Mom was running a Parental Alienation campaign, she enlisted the girls help and had them go through everything in their father's apartment and report back to her... .down to what was in the refrigerator. (Did you know that having Raspberry Sorbet in the freezer was a crime?).  They went through his phone and reported his text messages, and latter along with their mother made false allegations of abuse, because dad after talking to mom on the phone in a moment of disgust and frustration threw a cordless phone into a couch. (Our oh so concerned mother did not even attend court... .No abuse was found case dropped).  D22 (then 15) borrowed dad's laptop and refused to return it (we suspect she an mom were trying to hack into it).  Dad called the police to help retrieve it and they ran the records on both of them a lo and behold mom had a warrant for unpaid tickets, she was arrested, dad got his laptop back.

So this is where they all started... .about as bad a position for dad (and for that matter the girls) that you could be.  2 years of a high conflict divorce.

In those 2 years the girls got to see their parents as separate people... .who was causing drama/issues and who was stable.  Mom was, as I often describe both neglectful and over indulgent... .the Disneyland mom who let her daughter skip 9th grade (she pulled her out of HS against the wishes of her father, teachers, and principal) to do on-line homeschooling that never happened.  It was about keeping D15 home to take care of her.  D11 still attended school but with spotty attendance... .a stomachache on Monday meant staying home all week.  So to a kid Yay! we don't have school isn't mommy great! Was in fact neglect.  There were issues with getting the girls Medical/Dental care too. 

The following year D16 went back to High School but her GPA was ruined that would be a 0.0GPA for her Freshman year. 

Mom was evicted twice during the divorce... .more bad choices.  No job living on alimony & child support which was not enough to rent the house they had all lived in, or the 3 bedroom townhouse she later rented.  So the girls went through 2 evictions.

I should say here that dad did everything he could... .took the kids to doctors/dentists on the weekends when mom couldn't get them in, he fought his ex and the on-line school trying to get his daughter back in school, he was so desperate he hoped she would be arrested for truancy (this was for him the most painful episode of the separation/divorce).  Dad also drove (mom didn't), had a job, stable housing, fed and clothed the kids.

Mom = instability and false promises
Dad = stability and honesty

The judge saw what was going on and the divorce settlement shook out as follows... .

Custody, Dad was awarded M-F and one weekend, Mom received 3 weekends.

Dad was awarded Education, Medical & Dental Decision-making (he proved she was neglectful in these areas)

Mom was awarded Therapy (we figure the judge figured that any Therapist worth their salt would see her problems), Vision and Gynecological Decision-making.

So the pendulum swung back to dad and back to stability for the girls.

Meanwhile mom continued to lie, and make false promises... .she said she had jobs she didn't have, she would promise things to the girls and never follow through, she was evicted a 3rd time, but was going to by a half million dollar house, she just did what she does.

In 2013 a year after the divorce things began coming to a head, D17 (then 13) made suicidal comments at school and school did what they were supposed to and reported.  D13 was put inpatient for a couple of weeks and diagnosed with PTSD.

This was a turning point (crisis is hard but not necessarily bad).  D13 was finally able to get a good therapist, a Psychiatrist that could prescribe helpful anti-anxiety meds. (mom had of course chosen someone she could walk all over).

Both girls were seeing who was a mess and who wasn't. Meanwhile dad and I landed here in 2014 (I should also add we had no idea about BPD until around the end of/or just after the divorce).  Once here we really started getting better at negotiating the ex and for me getting my anger under control.

In 2015 mom did the two things that finally made the kids vote with their feet.,

D17 (then 14 and recently diagnosed with PTSD) was sent to camp out of state.  Dad and I thought she was at camp, however 4 days in we get a phone call.  D14 is not at camp (she was told by her mother not to tell dad).  She was at the parent's house of a childhood friend of mom's who lived near camp.  She was going to pay for camp and the lady would take her there, then it was she would send money to the lady and the lady would take her and pay the camp.Well, it took her Father, her Grandfather (mom's dad), and an Uncle (mom's brother) to retrieve D14 and get her home (she had been sent on a one-way ticket).
There was not only no money to pay for camp, she had sent daughter the year before and had not paid for that either.

She sent D22 (then 18) off to college with the promise of a "Family Trust" that would pay for tuition not covered by Financial Aid.  Dad told D18 there was no Trust, D18 was suspicious so she asked mom for proof was shown something convincing so off she went to college out east.  She came home at Christmas break and was asked to either pay for the previous semester or not return.  Mom failed to pay and D18 was now in debt to the tune of $15,000.

Both girls were done.  D22 has barely seen or spoken to her mother since... .whenever she has her mother only reinforces why D22 has no contact with her.

D17 is low contact, she struggles with guilt, people pleasing and boundaries.  She primarily has contact via phone/text and an occasional coffee or lunch.  But her mother also reinforces what a mess she is with D17.  The last time D17 took mom out for lunch on Mother's Day.  Mom was delivered by Uber, got her free lunch, played on her cell phone the whole time, and then asked D17 to pay for her ride home (where's the barfy emoji when you need it!)

Mom is mostly out of the picture.  Dad has been there for the girls every step of the way.  A stable parent, a consistent parent, the parent who has picked up the pieces time and time again when mom lets them down.  Everything that those girls have gone through has been excruciatingly painful to watch.  Dad has warned both girls of pitfalls, but they both made their choices and have had to learn some lessons the hard way.

Both girls have had to go through things that no child should because of their Mother's mental illness.  It's sad.  But essentially their mother because of her own behaviors drove her daughters away.

So to answer your question... .

The whole journey has been a series of adjustments in relation to their mother and her behaviors.  They went from complete enmeshment to her being a minor presence in their lives.  It is sad, that by her own behaviors their mother has driven them away... .but that is what BPD does.

I arrived here with toxic anger regarding their mother and these days I actually feel sorry for her.

I don't tell you this story to scare you.  It was hard no doubt about it, but we all learned things, lessons are learned in the struggle.  Dad learned how not to engage his ex, I learned "Radical" Acceptance, the girls learned who was the reliable parent, and mom learned that there a natural consequences to her actions.

Ultimately, the only person we control is ourselves... .that goes for all of us, me, dad, the girls and their mother.  We make our own choices and mistakes.

Panda39



 

Thanks Panda,

My kids are 2 and 4 so I've got a long long way to go and many many more adjustments to make and a long long time until the kids even begin to understand exactly what's going on. My daughter got dropped 9ff yesterday alone so my ex is withholding her child to get the parenting payment she wants all the while telling me she wants the girls together and I need to sign her document so they can be together. Sorting it out through mediation isn't soon enough for her but more so I think she is afraid of what will come out in mediation now her reasons are out and in writing.

Pretty disgusted in myself for having met this person now let along the fact I have a child with her.

sladezy,

Don't beat yourself up, you didn't know what you didn't know, neither did my SO.  He was married to his ex for 17 years.  We didn't discover BPD existed until he was very near the end of his divorce. (So you are way ahead of us  )

He is very duty driven, he took his vows and his family commitment very seriously.  He also is the kind of person who when overwhelmed can shut down, he is nice, polite, a rational thinker, a fixer... .all things that would make him very attractive to a boundary busting, problem causing, chaos causing, controlling victim like his ex.  He's a very smart man but he had no experience with, so didn't recognize, and had no name for the mental illness that was right in front of him.

The stories we all have are so similar, you didn't know what you were getting into, my SO didn't know what he was getting into, he even tried to tell/explain it to me when we first met, but I still didn't understand back in the beginning what I was getting into!

You didn't say to yourself when you met your ex, gee, there is one really messed up person I want to start a family with her!  You saw someone and a relationship with potential and you gave it a shot.  Just because the relationship didn't work doesn't make you stupid or defective... .It makes you human, we all make decisions that don't work out, we all make mistakes   And the relationship wasn't a complete failure you've got a beautiful daughter out of the deal.

Hang in there,
Panda39

Starting to feel very overwhelmed today not so much with the situation as a whole but with my ability to react / not react to it. Sometimes I get the thirst for knowledge to equit myself with tools for every possible situation / outcome and it's just not possible to learn it all or even be effective with any of it over night or in a matter of days / weeks / months. I can distance myself from the situation and not engage in making it worse, I can focus on myself and the kids and actually get into a groove where that is enjoyable time but when it comes to getting anything productive happening with my ex regarding anything at all, it seems to be an impossible task.  By this I mean trying to negotiate things when I am approached not trying to implement change myself. It's a ___ty feeling that is often very emotionally and physically draining which often leads to having effects in my own life, work, home or social.

sladezy, I can relate to your frustration.  I have invested a huge amount of effort negotiating with my wife lately, with the help of a family therapist, and I think my wife and I are likely both frustrated.  We simply cannot close a deal anything like what I'm used to in my life with others.  Her issues, coupled with my trauma and occasional reactivity to her, is not a good combo.

If you accept the fact that rational, reasonable negotiations with your wife are not possible, how might you adjust your approach to cope with that without going crazy?

WW

Hey Wentworth,

I'm not really sure how to adjust my approach since being responsible and rational about are daughters lives is all it should be. I'm not sure how else to address the matter because coming from an emotional angle doesn't seem suitable. Hopefully the mediation we are doing will help with communicating. I honestly don't want her in my life what so ever and she doesn't respect that. This morning she apologised for trying to make me sign the document, that it was wrong and that she won't push it further but when asked if that meant she was returning the kids back to the original care agreement I'm just getting the silent treatment.  So very much unsure if anything has changed.

I agree, everyone should be responsible and rational when it comes to the care of children.  But your wife isn't.  And likely won't be.  I'm sorry for this, I know from personal experience how mind-blowingly upsetting it can be.  Are you prepared to accept that she won't change, and then make your best plan with that assumption?

WW

Wentworth,

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm already come to terms with the fact that the kids will be disadvantaged because of this and that I can only do my best to look after them and try my best to make sure they get to enjoy things like sports, dancing and swimming classes etc. Even though at this stage most of those things take place during her time. She's apologies for the black mail as I said before but is not backing down on splitting the children apart. I've reached out to some free legal advice services and I'm waiting to here back from them prior to heading into my mediation meeting next week.

Yes, they may be disadvantaged to an extent.  That is sad, but unavoidable.  But you have a tremendously powerful role to play.

What are the topics that will be covered in mediation?  Is it just you and her and the mediator?  Is it just one session, or a series of sessions?

WW

Wentworth,

She hasn't even told me why she initiated the the mediation (the only reason I've heard is because her councillor said to do it). Since we have had a verbal agreement since the start having a parenting plan in place is only going to effect her due to the frequency she wishes to make changes to the plan. I believe it is 2 sessions each by solo with a mediator and 1, 3 hour session together or maybe one solo and 3 together. I'll be pushing for the kids to remain in the original agreement being honoured. Try to discuss the kids schooling location and decision making process.

Mediation can be a good thing.  Those are good issues to have on your list.  Are financial issues likely to come up?  Money and kids tend to be the two big buckets.

When is your first appointment?

WW

Hi all,

Mediation is only half way through. Did a solo meeting then a group seminar about whats best for kids next is the session with my ex... .still haven't been told why she initiated it but I was told everything I said was not mentioned by her. I haven't seen or spoken to her for a number of weeks but the last day or two I've really been missing having my family together again. I think maybe because I'm taking the kids on a holiday by myself and im abit nervous about what I can and don't do while monitoring both of them at the same time.

Today she messaged me asking if I could have our eldest daughter the night she has been withholding her because her mother was unable to and to see "if it was still alright" for her mother to take our youngest somewhere during my time (something which I had never said yes to in the first place). I said I wanted the kids back together permanently and that it had never been ok for our youngest to go there. Then as it turns out she never needed a sitter for the night she withholds because she has the next day off work and can spend time with her (that's a first). I wonder if she just made this often to incite a reaction out of me. My request for the kid not to go has been ignored and I think she might even keep both children just to take them before dropping them to me the following day. She's even resorted to getting my parents involved again which as you know is hard while living with them. Will this ever end?  final mediation is not until the end of the month at best.

I've had a relapse in my strength lately. Here I am more than 12 months on from when this all began for this time around barring one short repeat. I find myself falling back into my own darkness, telling her that I miss her and want to be with my kids everyday (though I'm pretty sure she doesn't understand where I'm coming from). Mediation has been pushed back a month due to her availability which delays me from working out where the kids will go to school as such where to acquire property. I wish things could and would change. I can't seem to let go no matter how far I distance myself from the chaos.