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Title: Good time to share validation and invalidation stories Post by: formflier on July 03, 2018, 09:30:30 AM Hey Conflicted Board! Trying to stir the pot some with a general discussion about validation and invalidation. Some appropriate links are below. If you are reading this and not exactly sure what this is all about... .please post now! We'd love to engage you in a deeper conversation, either in this thread or we can break one out and "personalize it" some for YOU! https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273293.0 https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=191788 Why does invalidation matter? I like to think of it as "fuel" that keeps a bad fire burning in my relationship. If I remove the fuel, my wife has a much harder time "keeping the fire of conflict" going. I like to think of validation as the "oil" that helps a relationship run more smoothly. I'm interested in anyone's thoughts on which one has been most important in their relationship. FF Title: Re: Good time to share validation and invalidation stories Post by: RolandOfEld on July 04, 2018, 01:00:54 AM Hi FF and thanks for starting this thread.
I find my efforts to validate my wife's feelings through words almost never work. The best I can usually do when she is dysregulated is to buy her chocolate or small treat, which I think is a sign of validation for her since she knows I know this is sometimes a way to pierce her BPD armor. I think she takes it as half apology from me (it's usually not, though let her take it that way fine) and half me recognizing how to sooth the beast in her. I sure would love to try out validating skills in a relationship where it actually works. In all fairness, validation is not really a skill I had until I learned about my wife's BPD. And validation / avoiding invalidation has certainly helped to avoid triggering some episodes. An example of how it used to go and how it might go now: Then Wife: "Your family all hates me." Me: "Of course they don't!" Now Wife: "Your family all hates me." Me: "They certainly have done things to make you unhappy from time to time." As for me, I'm am trying to deal with being invalidated on a weekly basis. Sigh. ~RolandOfEld Title: Re: Good time to share validation and invalidation stories Post by: Red5 on July 09, 2018, 11:55:48 AM Afternoon FF, from an undisclosed location behind enemy lines ... .
Validation verses Invalidation, *Add love, of the "tough love" flavor... . "If Red5's brain were a match, Red5 could not lite a stick of dynamite" :) ! "If Red5 had two brains, and brains were worth a nickel, Red5 wouldn't have a dime to his name: ! ok, here goes... . Yes, validation is the oil that keeps the big engine (relationship) running smoothly... .like when the locomotive engineer walks around his engine in the round house, and applies lovingly, a squirt here, and a squirt there into the big bearings, and bolts, and gears of the behemoth locomotive drive wheels, and trucks... .squirt squirt squirt... .nice and smooth ! |iiii But sometimes, .when there is no "traction", .a small portion of "sand" is applied to the wheels in order to gain more traction over the rails (life / relationship /marriage) ? ... .ie' tough love, .I love you "BUT"... .today you get sand, and not oil dear, .until you see the error of your ways, and stop spinning your wheels ! No squirt squirt for you... .just some sand ... . Thoughts... . Red5 P.S. Wiseman once say... .never hook your red caboose to a crazy train ! |