BPDFamily.com

just curious if there are any stories on here about borderline persons who got some kind of help or healing and reunited with a partner who had been estranged from them?

If not, I'll just write a fiction book about it.

Your asking this on a breakup board?  :)

The recovery rate of any relationship that falls to the level of estrangement is very low. Even lower when their is a dramatic and damaging end. There are certainly a lot o those with BPD relationships.

I still pray for a miracle like that. I had a dream last night that mine had a full neuropsych eval, was on medication, and was committed to DBT. No pressure to reconcile, just wanted me to know that he was getting better.

It's very rare though.

Do you hope for this?

My ex asked to come back a little over a year ago.  Her primary emotional motivation was being with our kids more,  not me,  yet the safety of being with me (physically, financially) were likely also motivators. She was and still is married to the guy she left me for 

Turkish, not to hijack but I've often ruminated about how my future path might play out, W having an affair, divorcing me, I assume to be with him eventually. From what I can see OM is everything she couldn't handle in a mature relationship but everything that might be appealing as an affair candidate. I envisage the above scenario. Did you feel the compunction to let her new partner know for whatever motivation you might choose?

On balance it would likely be unwise but tempting none the less. I despise her OM FWIW

I was hands off detached. I felt sorry for him when I found out how bad was was to him eventually.  I recall what my T said,  "personalities typically don't change."

Not like you hope for good weather or a raises. We're definitely "estranged with a damaging end," and I know that getting to a point where the BPD would be manageable is a long, long process that is rarely completed.

It would be a black swan event, no doubt.

This is on a much more minor scale (my ex and I were together ~ 7 months) but he recently got back in contact with me, said he'd been single for a few months, and couldn't stop thinking about our sex life and how much we laughed together.  He proposed getting together this summer when he was in town.  He doesn't know I know his gf's name and her Facebook page makes it VERY clear that they are still together.

Part of me wants to tell her, largely because I now feel guilty knowing he's out there pursuing other women (or at least me) when he's still in a relationship with her.  But in the end, her happiness is not my responsibility.  Mine is the only thing I'm responsible for.  So I'm working on releasing that guilt because it's out of my control.

Plus, I know my ex - even if I told her, he'd lie until his pants were on fire and he's charming enough that she'd no doubt gobble it up.  So his emotional infidelity is our dirty little secret.

This is humorous.  My ex wife did the same.

After months she contacted me.  Said she missed our sex and laughing together.  Asked if we could spend the summer together.  She said she had never been so single before in her life.   I told her I was seeing someone.

She still tried to diminish my new gf, but then a day later came clean that she had a gf. And thinks she is bi. And told me all the details.
 

There's a hat for every occasion

I see what you're saying you might take her back under certain conditions. I thought like that in my marriage and it took this break-up to rethink that, I thought that change was something that was external from me. I was hoping for her to take the initiative and change and then everything was going to be OK. It doesn't work that way change comes from us not the other party.

I remember telling her that I had enough and that she has to get help for herself and like others the ending was scorched earth. That being said I had poor relationship skills I did't know how to relate with others very well and I had my unhealthy behaviours to tweak - I focused on the things that I can change.

tbk, I've been on this board for 18 months and haven't seen such a thing happen.  I'm not sure that if I stayed for 18 years we'd get a post like that, but I am always happy to be wrong about something like that.

I no longer have any pain or hurt feelings when I think of my ex, and just reading your post reminded me of when in the early stages I begged the Universe repeatedly (and out loud no less) to make him better and send him back to me.  

I'm not saying that if one day years from now he turned up in my life and gave me the news that he was recovered I'd not be over the moon for him and consider remaining in touch in some way, but that thought is way way back in the depths of my mind and certainly nowhere near the fore now.  

The person who sits front and centre in my thoughts about the future now is myself.  It is a gift to care for ourselves and our own well being enough to let go of that hope.  Can we get signed copies of the novel?

Love and light x

what's a "black swan" event?  not familiar with this or that phrase.

For the benefit of simplicity a black swan even is a very rare, improbable event that no one typically sees coming.

... .although Taleb in his great book called Blavk Swan would argue that these events occur much more frequently than we as humans expect and we’re cognitively programmed to downplay statistical probability of extreme things happening.

Exactly. I cannot fathom it happening. If it did, it would be a miracle.

I'm very aware that thinking patterns take a very long time to be changed. It took me a long time to accept that I was codependent and allowed this because of prior imprinting. I always viewed myself as being "together." It also took me a long time to begin feeling whole again. But I'm a non who has enough going for me that I've found a measure of healing. With BPD there is much more to overcome.

Also, being a codependant-non typically means you're too nice and helpful, kind etc etc... .being a pwBPD typically means you've been a manipulative @ hole and made a lot of people sad.

LOL. Yes, a counsellor once said to me that many codependents are nice people who need to develop boundaries. That's pretty simplified, but it encouraged me that at my core, my motives were right. Learning to say no and cut off the abuse is easier to work on than manipulation and a sense of entitlement.

 Hi Truth,
   I am sure there are some success stories but they are far and few between.

On these boards you will likely read more about the ex coming back, saying they have worked on themselves and were "all better" only to discard them once again.

My theory is most people who get back together and it's working, won't likely post it here  :) If they are happy and nothing is going wrong, they wouldn't be on this site raving about their success while reading the struggles of everyone else here.

It takes a lot of work to get BPD under control. Years of DBT therapy and becoming aware of ones actions. Many BPD's blame other and do not take the responsibility. In many BPD families, family members enable the behaviors and would be against treatment. They just describe their loved one as "sensitive" or "she's always been this way but we love her".

It's the birds of a feather mentality.

I know you are probably hoping for a reunion where your ex is healthy, happy and you can ride off into the sunset together. I know, I wanted that too, but years removed from her I see that desire was almost as bad as that initial infatuation she had for me, before she devalued and discarded me, never looking back.

Don't devalue yourself. Believe what your ex has shown you. THAT is who she is. I know it hurts, but really take to heart what the posters here are sharing with you. Reuniting often ends in more pain. You have to be strong to handle it with little or no expectations from your ex.

In September it will be 5 years since I came here in crisis. I still think about her and the love she promised in the push pull dance. I grieved the loss and see more clearly for what it was. I was absolutely codependent and in desperate need of boundaries.   

Somehow I needed that painful experience to find the courage to look deeper. At myself and how and why I let this happen. Because healthy people do not endure that kind of relationship and call it love.

This from HQ is 100% spot on.

I would add that I believe it’s also our responsibility if we truly want a happy, healthy and relatively drama/abuse free life. I am a work in progress.

So, over 5 years out, I have excellent days and meh days. But I no longer crave the abusive drama laden relationship that I once believed was the love of my life. I am finally making real progress in learning how to really love me and I am Learning To Thrive.

Much love to each of you on your journey.  You are the most worthy person to receive your love.

L2T