BPDFamily.com

We have a teen daughter who we suspect has BPD. She is our middle child and has always been very challenging to deal with. We have had cousellors and behavioural consultants but with little success. There is no limit to her 'lies', 'manipulation' that she will go to to get her way. In the last few months, she has ended up in emergency after writing about self-harm, has engaged in cutting and seriously derailed in the last month of school. She engages in online chats with another 'cutter' from her grade and makes all kinds of allegations about us (her parents) and has for years. Is there any advantage (and disadvantage) to pursuing a diagnosis of BPD?

Hello Westcoastmom and welcome.

I am one of the parents here whose child has not been diagnosed as having BPD but all points in that direction.  I am also one of the older Moms here, having lived through about 40 years of emotional turmoil with her.

Forty years ago her erratic and hurtful behaviours were looked upon as coming from a "wild child" who would eventually grow up and out of it.  While there were times over the years that we sighed a sigh of relief, thinking that had happened, we would end up being broadsided. 

Well into our journey with her, a counsellor suggested we read a book entitled "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."  That was our introduction to a terrible mental disorder... .BPD... .and I literally cried as I read that book because "IT" seemed to be given a name.  As time went by, I became aware of other reading materials and then a few years ago I found this website.  With all that said, I so wish I had become familiar with BPD earlier, learned how to use the "tricks-of-the-trade" to deal with our daughter's behaviours... .and learned how to better look after ME.  Believe me when I say that is such an important part. 

Thankfully we never had to deal with cutting but all the rest you describe about your daughter sounds familiar to me and, I am sure, to many others who are reading your post. 

You write that you have had counsellors and behavioural consultants involved with little success.  You also write that you suspect BPD.  Have any of those professionals alluded to that as a possible diagnosis in relation to your daughter?

Once again I welcome you Westcoastmom.  Seems there are parents out there who sail through life with their kids... .but not the case for others... .like us.  The support is here for you as you better educate yourself on what BPD is and how to deal with someone who exhibits BPD behaviours.

Huat

Hello wetcoastmom

I would like to join Huat in welcoming you here

I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through


In answer to your question, firstly it depends on your daughters age as most professionals don’t like to give a diagnosis until the age of 18 has been reached as sometimes it can be difficult to distinguish between normal adolescent behaviour and the behaviour associated with BPD.

Getting a diagnosis would be dependent on your daughter recognising and accepting that something is wrong with her and then wanting to seek help. Some pwBPD feel relieved that they have finally got a diagnosis and can then move forward, whereas others may be in denial about their diagnosis, do not accept it and therefore do not seek help.

Others, like my son who exhibits BPD traits and is not diagnosed, are completely in denial. They think that there is nothing wrong with themselves and that the problem lies with others.

I hope that helps x 

 *hi* westcoastmomand welcome to our community .
You pose an interesting question and my feeling is that officially being diagnosed with BPD can be a good thing or it can be very bad and the reaction from the individual diagnosed will depend on whether they accept it or not and also how they are then treated by friends, family and healthcare professionals .
My DD was 15 when “ BPD “ was mentioned after her second hospitalization but strangely enough , even during her very first hospitalization when she was merely diagnosed with severe depression , my DD told the  doctor that she felt she had either bipolar or BPD , stating she had known since middle school that her thoughts were “ not normal “ ( her words ) and that she had done sone research online. In fact she said she felt a bit “ cheated “ when she was “ merely” diagnosed with depression at that time because she felt her mental health issues were far worse  than “ just depression “.

To this day , I’m not sure if finally getting her diagnosis a few months later either validated her feelings or whether it actually became a self fulfilling prophecy. Certainly when she was officially diagnosed ( she did have many of the BPD traits : cutting and other forms of self harm , chronic suicidal thoughts , manipulatively reaching out to her friends with picture of her fresh cuts , suicide threats and sending “ goodbye “texts to her friends , etc etc , but her other behaviors ( promiscuity , substance abuse , being verbally abusing towards us her family , terrible boyfriends and poor choices , dark internet use etc ) all appeared gradually after her formal diagnosis as if like clockwork. . Interestingly one therapist would talk frequently with her and us about BPD as she felt it was inportant for us all to increase our knowledge and understanding about the condition . Whereas another therapist who came a bit later on in our journey felt that it was not wise to take this approach as my DD was indeed “ becoming that stereotype that is BPD “ and she didn’t want my DD to be labeled in that way . This particular therapist  was the one that my DD clicked with the most ( she’s had many!) and while she only had this one for around 9 months , I feel this therapist was integral to helping my DD turn herself around .

I know this doesn’t give you an infinite answer , just more questions likely !:)

Thanks for the replies. We are fortunate that our daughter is starting a DBT therapy program and no diagnosis is needed.