BPDFamily.com

I was surprised to see the MRI technicians uploaded my images and report onto their website yesterday since it was a holiday.  Basically, after all the jargon is was "nothing to see here".  Which is both good and bad.  And I am still waiting for a call from my actual MD, but if there was nothing to report, her office often doesn't call, so I won't really hold my breath.   

Good, there is not something really weird in there that will need to be drained or cut out.  Yes, this is very good.  I did not want H to have to be my nursemaid following my skull being cut open. 

Bad, in the fact that migraines are a "silent" disease where you look fine but are functioning incapacitated with about a level 2-5 pain daily, before the 6 and up pain puts you to bed.  Having SOMETHING to show would not only help with H, who wants a definitive reason for my headaches and cognitive issues, but also for my co-workers and friends who seem to have trouble understanding what I just stated above. 

I think H just wants a problem identified so I can be "cured" and then he won't have to worry about me.  Or worry I will be incapacitated or that asking me to do things is rude if I am also in pain.  This uncharitable I know, but knowing he has limits to his cup of kindness when I am sick, my having a chronic neurological disorder that seems to defy many doctors to explain (reading on other cases nation wide) isn't going to fit his expectations of me being treated.

I am in a state of pretty much constant discomfort, even if I hesitate to call it pain.  I am sitting here at work, typing now, with a feeling like my head is bruised from the temple to the ear, moving it makes it very evident, like I am at the bottom of a pool, and a feeling of something scratching the skin along the top of my head, prickling, tingling, itching. 

It's not enough to stay home, and I have my medication to take if it starts to become "real" pain, but it's there and it's my new "normal".  Since it's not a blob of gunked up mucous as friends had hoped, it's still a mystery, three is no "easy" solution you can point at, it's neurological, and means it's not going away.   Boo.  It's almost like Harry Potter's scar is described as feeling, so maybe He Who Shall Not Be Named is close by or angry.

Anyway.  H was pretty decent the last few days as far as his mood, then today he's in a lot of pain himself (both of us seem affected by rain).  He got up, got to work, was in not-terrible spirits, but just shared he's having a hard time not focusing on things that make him angry.  We work both in higher ed, and some of the professors don't really respect staff well, and that aggravates him (it does me too, but I manage to just laugh at their feudal mindset). 

He is not handling the chronic pain and feelings of suddenly being old.  He is lamenting daily, hourly, "getting old".  He is also revising how active he was in recent years, and I am not pushing it because why, what's the point?  If he wants to believe he was rollerblading up to 2 years ago, regularly, sure, whatever.  He wasn't.  He stopped going because he did not like the new location of student foot traffic on campus where he'd skate.  He didn't have good wheels.  He had a few falls and one injury from jogging.  It's been over 5 years since he was going every week a few times a week.  Anyway, we're still trucking along. 

Here's hoping this does not end up as a blow-up week.

Hi isilme,

I'm with ya, they are not kidding when they say aging isn't for the faint of heart. It does take a certain toughness to face the declines and pains with grace and acceptance as they start to add up. Some days I feel so grounded and at peace over it, enjoy aging even, other days it just feels like if my quality of life is already this bad... .where is this going? And how much more of this do I want?

I know that feeling of wanting an answer, but I'd say be glad it is not worse, bad as this is. Brain surgery isn't what it was back in the 80's, but it is still a pretty darn big deal and something you are lucky to avoid.

Have you tried alternative treatments? Chinese medicine? Acupuncture? Are there other options?

warmly, pearl.