BPDFamily.com

Good Morning Everyone,
Wanted to first give thanks to everyone on this board who has been here for me since joining, wentworth, LivedNLearned, Kells76, Panda 39, ForeverDad, just to name a few.
The mother of my child has a bf, (she refers to him as her and my sons knight in shinning armor since I was "vacant" aka left her and filed for custody) she has been with him for around 2 years and she makes sure I know she is very happy with him, shows him off, etc.  Lately he's been at custody pickups, hes joined in the alienation attempts.  They make sure my son calls him daddy as well and they both go purposely out of their way to reinforce the fact that my son has 2 daddy's.  My son tells me he wants to go home to mommy and daddy and I'm somewhat unprepared to know how to handle this.
My child support question: it seems since the beginning of time the mother of my child thinks she can control me and burden me through child support, we recently spent thousands of dollars in attorney fee's so she could get 8$ more a month in child support.  She has occasionally asked me how I can afford to take all these vacations with my son when I pay so much in child support.  Do you think my assumptions are correct that she's is trying to control me via child support.

Hi Newyoungfather,

 

What's your custody agreement? I don't think that she's trying to control you I think that she's trying to justify her over reaching   As far as their behaviour at pick up someone else may be better qualified than me to answer this, I would suggest to take the high road and not get into it with them, it might be a jab at you but you're their biological father and she can't take that away from you. I didn't like my exuBPD choice for a bf and a step dad for my kids either, make sure that you give them attention and that they feel special.

Child alienation is very serious business and can get worse as your child gets older. The Courts are more aware of child alienation these days and will order counseling for both parents to stop the attempts at child alienation. I can't say what is going on with the child support, though it sounds pretty petty from my point of view, as 8 dollars a month is a very small amount. It seems she is doing what she can to upset you.

I can see how that would hurt

Your son can never have a bond with another guy, not like he does with you, because you're the one who will be there, no matter what.

How long do your ex's relationships tend to last?

The new bf may last only as long as that.

My guess is that the next *daddy* will be a temporary one too, altho I know some people with BPD can form lasting relationships. Tho if her pattern is to have unstable relatively short relationships, that's likely to be how things go moving forward.

Do you think your ex is aware that you're upset during the exchanges?

About child support... .how do you answer her when she asks about the vacations?

She desires control, that's obvious.  Given the last court go-around, the CS is fixed for a while, yes? You were truthful about your finances. You should be safe for a while even if she thinks you are hiding money. 

I sense that the bigger question here is the other "daddy."

January of 2017, my ex separated from her husband due to mutual DV. They had little contact. This year she's been bringing him around. The kids didn't see him for many months.  They still aren't living together but a few weeks ago my son said out of the blue,  "I have two dads." Who? I asked. Him and me.  Even though he's never attended a school event since my son's pre-K graduation (he's currently going into 3rd grade) he still thinks this.  I'M YOUR DAD" I want to say,  but I let it go,  no matter how messed up a marriage model my ex and her H have presented to them since 2013.

I'd focus on how your son feels. As painful as it is, his feelings are real no matter the adults. 

My ex left me for a narcissistic college football jock.  For me or wasn't much of an ego hit, but given my kids were involved, it was painful, even though they didn't engage in an alienation campaign.  Still, I had to deal with a step-dad whom my kids liked a lot. 

Sorry everyone for the late reply, Refusal Of First Right has been working for me and I've been spending every last second I have with my son, so my time to reply to my own threads has been in limited supply.
@Turkish, yes the CS is fixed until one of us notifies each other of a change in financial status, daycare decrease, increase in pay etc.  Actually daycare went down and I could get 30$ back a month but I don't feel like going to court, she can have the 30$ because its not worth it to me.
@LivedNLearned, She can't hold a relationship down, however her boyfriend seems very passive.  When she asked about vacations and how I can afford them, I ignore it, my attorney says "less is more", if the question is directed at something of importance towards my son I ignore it.
@Mutt, I have my son for 5 overnights and 8 days on a two week schedule, I have refusal of first right which means if she's not available to watch I can, (which I've been using quite frequently lately.

I married and divorced an uBPD with 2 children.
Regarding your child support question, trying to control you is a built-in BPD trait that you have to accept. It goes with the territory.  But you are certainly correct in not wanting to get into the weeds over a small amount of money. My BPD married two times after our divorce. Both times the BPD went out of her way to let me know how great things were, but it was short lived. Don’t be too concerned about the “Two Dad” issue.  My bet the bf will be short lived too.   It appears you have a good head on your shoulders regarding finances.  BPD will come back for more $$. That is also part of the territory.  What you have to start considering is what is the BPD mid-term and long terms plans.  Remember, they plan well in advance and you have to protect yourself and your son. You wrote, “Do you think my assumptions are correct that she's is trying to control me via child support.”  That is partially correct at the moment, but once the bf is gone, the BPD will try and control you by putting your son in the middle of your disputes.  You have to prepare for it.  As in my case, there will be a few more court session in store... .and for you too.   Yes, it will be about money, but it will also be about keeping your son out of the fray. This is what you might want to focus on:  (1) Keep on-going, copious records on your 'first right of refusal' custody to later show the court. (2) Make sure the BPD sticks to the parenting schedule.  As you probably know, the court frowns upon any violation of it. Keep a record.  (3) If not already done, get your son in to T now, to lay a foundation for the future. (4) Read as much as you can about PAS.  Parent Alienation Syndrome.  As your son gets older, it will surface. My BPD put my sons in the middle of everything (from age 6-17)…and they internalized all the lies and manipulations.  It wasn’t until they became young adults did they begin to realize that I wasn’t the bad guy. Prepare for it. (5) Give your L a short course in BPD.  It will help him/her better understand what is going on. (6) In the future, you might ask your L about getting a court appointed guardian ad litem (GAL) for you son. The laws are different in each state. If you can, get a GAL that is an attorney, not a GAL social worker.  In short, you have retained your attorney, your BPD has hers.  The GAL represents your son IN THE COURTROOM.  Depending on the state, GAL’s have broad authority investigating the environment and situation of both parents.  (They meet with the children, personally visit each home, interview friends and relatives, etc.). It’s worth looking into.
I am not trying to be an alarmist, but your current money question and situation is minor compared to wanting to keep your son safe and grounded for the long haul. You need to prepare a game plan now, not later. 

@DivDad, you give some really good advice on this topic, I've included some brief responses below.
#1, I keep all communication via email especially when its relating to her and the schedule.
#2, oh yes she dosn't like sticking to the custody order, matter of fact the custody order is my only piece of mind, knowing that there are consequences for her action.
#3 Court said he is too young for therapy.
#4 I read ever book as imaginable
#5 My lawyer has a minor in psychology so most of the books listed on this site she has in her office.
#6 In my state there are no GAL, only if I have God parent.

My plan is to create a stable affirming environment, right now I'm being bombarded with child support as I don't have 50/50 custody yet, I pay close to 1000/month, yes it stinks but it should be greatly reduced in about a year.  Lack of financial resources seem to be the reason why most people fail which I'm trying to avoid.

I assume your exBPD has a job and you pay no alimony.  If the $1K per month includes medical, I think you are in   pretty good shape.  Just do what you are now doing and focus on as much time as you can get with your son... .and prepare for round 2 in the future.

I was never married to her, thank god.  That amount does include medical, I could go back and petition the court for a reduction since she still lives at home an dosn't pay rent but its not worth the hassle.