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Being raised by uNPDm, I learned that my happiness was unimportant and often something I needed to hide or avoid.  She had a couple favorite sayings and one of them was, “If Mum isn’t happy, nobody gets to be happy.”

It has taken me a long time as an adult to discover what I actually like (peace, kindness, adventures) and what I don’t like (drama). I’ve also noticed that I have a tendency to try to talk myself out of a fun plan (no matter how simple or amazing it might be and whether other people are involved or not).

Believe it or not, this morning I found myself trying to talk myself out of riding my bike. A flood of mini-flashbacks came. So many times there was a plan for fun that she ruined by vitriolic drama, publicly shaming her children. It’s like there is a conditoned fear that actually trying to have fun will result in excruciating pain. I know in the past I didn’t see this connection and have denied myself many opportunities.

Has anyone else experienced this sort of thing?

Hi L2T. 

Yes, I have this happen a lot actually.  I think it is related to my depression, which I still have even with medication though meds significantly improve it.  I still sometimes talk myself out of things and I allow the fear to build sometimes neither of which is healthy. 

L2T, there is a conditioned fear that has been drilled into us.  Insight like you have and a oh hell no attitude is what helps me... .though sometimes I have to drag myself through all the while kicking and screaming.  It is exhausting, yet I find it hilarious in a way.  The things I say to myself, the things I fear (taking a shower anyone?  ) the amount of rationalizing I can do... .sometimes I annoy myself. 

Harri, thank you for the validation. Though I am truly sorry for the experiences you have had that lead you (and others) here.

Despite the internal struggle, I made it out on my ride this morning. Thanks to the “Oh... .HELL NO!” attitude you mentioned. I kept it short and sweet and DIRTY (muddy actually). It was awesome. Made it through a section I would have bailed on just last week. I am getting stronger. On many levels. So are you.

Thanks again for your kindness and validation of my experience.
 

PS... .Harri, I annoy myself every dang day. 

Then, I remember that’s what she wanted. If I gave up on me, I would follow her to my death. Yes, I believe she loved me in the way she was able but that was NOTHING CLOSE to genuine love. She is sick. She only feels happy when others suffer. I did not cause that and I sure as heck can’t cure it.

Way to go L2T!  You won that internal struggle!  Glad to hear you got dirty and used your hell no attitude.   

Exactly. 

I believe my mother loved me too.  Her love was not healthy nor does it match the definition of love I have now.  I am not sure about saying my mothers love was not genuine.  It was to her.  It was real to me too.  I don't get to define her experience even now but I can mine.  Love like hers?  It was genuine to her and, unfortunately, to me.  All I can say now though is 'no thank you.  Never again'.

But yes, I understand what you are saying.  And for sure you did not cause it and you can not fix it.  But I am so pleased you are fighting through and are sharing yourself here with all of us. 

Harri, excellent point. You are right and this is important to remember. Thank you.

Hi.   :)  :) :)  Thanks for thinking I made an excellent point!  haha   :)  :)  :)

I was saying what I believe and what I think applies to my situation.   A lot of people think my thinking is wrong or say they disagree and that is okay.  Who knows, maybe my thinking will change some day.

The joys of constant learning!

L2T, you rock!

I’m certain I need to reach a more secure self-assured space so I can “feel more able to forgive.”

Honestly, I want to ... .and think it could be possible if she wasn’t actively manipulating my daughter and my sibs’ kids in her gotcha game. She is angry we (her kids) are not bowing to her insanity (self-perceived omnicience) and using some of our kids to inflict pain on us by dangling an inheritance carrot for them.

Reality is she doesn’t have that much. But they are young and want to believe. I don’t blame them. I do blame her. She is actively CHOOSING TO DO THIS.

Sad but true. I refuse to play that game.

PS... .Harri!  YOU ROCK! You have helped me in more ways than you can imagine.

I think with ongoing, present day abuse, the task of acceptance and healing is exponentially harder... .and when it involves your mother turning your own kid against you with you knowing that what she promises is a lie?  How do you forgive that?  I have no idea.  Forgiveness is a daily attempt for me and sometimes it is impossible.  Then it becomes a matter of acceptance and when that is not achievable, I will try to simply acknowledge the damage done and who my parents were.  (I got that last bit about acknowledgment from Kwamina).

We all help each other here.  What I have learned I learned from others.  I am passing it on.  I have also learned from you and your determination and positive messages to me and others has lifted me up these last few weeks.  I've been struggling lately so thank you.   

This is a very nourishing morsel of wisdom.

I will use this too. I believe it will help me greatly on some of my difficult days. Thank you for sharing this, Harri (and Kwamina). The Parrot is wise indeed.

I definitely struggle with forgiveness when the abuse is ongoing and perpetrated on/through my kids and sibs’ kids.

Acknowledgement and serene acceptance — that I can not control anything or anyone but myself — will help soothe the heartache. It really is all so terribly sad and unnecessary.