BPDFamily.com

Earlier I was surprised when a poster didn't answer a question in the way I had expected.  As I struggled to find resources to help someone else "be a better listener"... .I came across this in the bpdfamily library.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

I think oftentimes I struggle with validation because I don't know what to "SAY".  I think I'm going to try to figure out something better to "ASK".

Let's share some stories about the impact of "being a good listener" and "asking validating questions".

Perhaps we can help each other focus on this type of response the next time we have to "deal with" BPDish behavior or words.

Thoughts?

FF

i have a tendency to want to offer advice rather than just listen.

one of my go tos is to ask "how can i best support you?". sometimes ill specifically ask if they are looking for advice, or just want to vent.

This is a great question. Too often, I'm now realizing I offer unsolicited advice.

My H gets frantic sometimes looking for parking places in our little town when some community event is going on. Since I've lived here much longer, I know all sorts of "secret" spots, so the other night, instead of just offering advice, I asked if he wanted help. To my surprise, he said, "No." So I kept my mouth shut. 

So do I. 

Do you appreciate getting unsolicited advice?  I do!

Especially from people that "think differently"... .because they usually will come up with something that I NEVER would have thought of before.

I can tell you of tons of times when someone came along, looked at work I was doing and said "Why don't you do it this way... ." and that was a better way... by a long shot.

FF

I definitely appreciate unsolicited advice and see it as an opportunity for a conversation. That said, if someone acts as if I'm stupid for not seeing it their way--I do find that offensive.

But my H seems to think if I offer any advice, that I think he's an idiot. So I've got to remember to keep it zipped.

This is also the case with my uBPD H.  He has certain health issues that I am familiar with (we share some of them) and I want to help him improve his heatlh.  Last night, H raged at me for offering suggestions on his health routine.   H was hesitant to accept some of my suggetions, even though I know, as a fact and patient, that he could be helped.  H rejected my suggestions.

This morning, the first think H said to me (angrily, of course) was how much he resented my suggestions.

I suspect H to also be uNPD, and he does not want to see anyone as more intelligent than he is.  FIL is also that way to the point of ignorance.

I know, I know, I know... .sigh   :)

I find it almost amusing that my husband will be insulted if I give him a tip about something where I have expertise and he knows nothing. I try not to say anything unless he's about to damage something or injure himself.

Years ago I thought I could teach him to ride one of my horses.    He'd told me he'd been on a horse maybe three times and nearly had a wreck every time. Yet when I tried to tell him what to do, he was suddenly an expert... .until he landed on his butt on the ground.

Wow, maybe a bit off-topic, but, yeah, giving advice can be tricky and it's a real disaster with my uBPD mom, as she WANTS my advice first and is soliciting it very much. How many times we've engaged ourselves to the projects were she needed a bit of a briefing from my part first. Like learning a foreign language, riding a quadricycle, learning computer stuff, learning some exercises to get fit... .I was feeling a huge obligation as a daughter to help her out and share my knowledge to make her life better whenever she asked me too. First two or three "briefings" would be OK, but then she would decide that she knows better 'how I should teach her things' (she worked at schools as a teacher before, you see... .). She wouldn't seek the advice elsewhere btw, because it sees it as my 'obligation'. She would insist on teaching her that the earth has the shape of a triangle and even start offending me in some worst words possible to 'prove' she's right. All these projects were doomed and the quadricycle crashed because she 'knew better' how to park it. Therefore, it was always MY fault of not taking enough interest in teaching her things, teaching her wrong and finally abandoning her... .As for the verbal advice it's just the same. She would go to me, ask for the advice in a difficult situation, and when I'd give her my opinion that is not of her taste, she would start offending me, accusing that I'm just like those **worst people she's ever met**, not a loving daughter...