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It is my understanding that not replying to a communication from someone with traits of BPD can make them feel even more abandoned and abused emotionally. Basically, No Reply is not best for them in the long run.

Is it OK to ignore this and not reply at all? Or, any suggestions on replying, to be compassionate?

I want to act in a compassionate way, however, I do want to remain detached from this relationship.

FYI, about 4 months since we saw each other last time. Previous last communication from her, a text, was about 6 weeks ago

Reading your posts, I'm not clear on how you responded to the text 6 weeks ago.  In your May 26th post you said that you previously responded,

"I have discovered some things about myself that I do not like and have decided that I need to work on these things. If I do not respond, do not take offense, as I am choosing to work on myself. Thank you for respecting my decision to work on myself. "

The churn and recycle type engagement happened after that,  yes? So did you respond to the text 6 weeks ago? If so what did you say?

I think when you read through some of the threads on here, where people share what happened when they received a message or other form of contact after a no contact phase, you will see that there are many possible ways to answer your question.

The dynamics in communication and no contact relating to someone with BPD traits tend to follow different patterns than non's would have. People with BPD can go no contact out of the blue and then after x amount of time, contact you again as if nothing happened. Or said it was you who didn't want to talk or be in contact. In my personal experience the "come back" message would always be in some way written, that it would make an appeal on my feelings, like " I feel horrible about not being in contact, can we talk?", or a " I miss you beyond belief". But also sometimes a 'casual' " Hi, how are you?". Why they contact you can be just like any other person: they are thinking about you at that time. And probably want to check or via message make sure, they are in your mind too.
I wouldn't immediately say that not responding is worse for them in the long run. Itcan be difficult to think for someone else, let alone a person with BPD traits. And the different ways of replying are many!

The decision you need to make for yourself is, what do you want as a result of this attempt to be in contact with you again? You said you want to remain detached from this relationship. Do you mean not getting intimately /emotionally involved again, or any form of relationship (like as friends etc)?

Id disagree, no reply is actually fine in the long term due to object-permeance.

After a while of no contact, you cease to exist, it literally is "out of sight, out of mind".

It helps a huge deal if they have a support network and havent just been discarded out on a limb. So depends on your circumstances. but long term, NC and sticking to it I believe is the best outcome for the pwBPD.

When I by chance, came across my ex after 9 months complete NC, I wasnt startled at seeing her, part of me expected it to happen at some point, we live in a small city. Yet I could tell by her reaction it was like seeing a ghost in front of her, it was almost like seeing me for the first time, she was quite dumb struck, I could see by her reaction as we left after a 5 minute no-intensity conversation and trading numbers. I really felt that she had got on with her life as best she could and that I 'literally' had ceased to exist.

A response can be viewed as an open door to more communication.  If you are happy to have further communication then that is fine, however I would encourage you to be very clear on your boundaries regards any re engagement from the get go.  Otherwise there is likely to be more pain caused on both sides. 

It all depends on where you stand with this.  Whatever you decide needs to be based solely on what your wishes are for yourself, not how she is affected.  You can't control that, nor should you try to.  She will handle her life her way. 

NOT giving her what she wants might actually be the kindest thing you can do.  There may be hope that if she hits rock bottom she will acknowledge her pattern of unhealthy behaviour and do something to address it.  As long as she is able to see success from her maladaptive coping mechanisms there is no reason to change.

What is your stance on interaction and to what degree, if any?

Love and light x

Unless the person is obsessed like my ex was with her exbf, a guy she hadn't had contact with in over a year and had another r/s in-between before she met me.  She warned me that age wasn't over him. I only got the feeling that she had moved on from him after our son was born and she "had everything she ever wanted" in her words.  3 years of pining over her lost "husband."  

Thank you, Turkish, for reading my post, responding, and asking questions.

Her contact was a text that "devalued" me. I replied and reminded her about what she had texted me weeks before, that she was "Happy and had moved on with a new friend... .". She replied that she was not happy and had not moved on.


Sorry to have posted this on May 26, 2018 without clarifying that it was actually from a 2017 'recycle'. In 2018, I came across the information that an absolute NC with a pwBPD may be abusive to them. Personally, I believe that what you send out comes back to you, so I am simply trying to be compassionate in any response that I have.


The 24/7 churn of thoughts about her and us has been recurrent and for days and weeks at a time following a 'recycle' early in 2018. This is when and why I started seeking the help of this support group.

Thank you, Roler, for you thorough reply and questions.

"I love you!" definitely qualifies.

I want and need to detach. As much as my heart really wants to try again and fix her and us, after reading, reading, and more reading... .my head is concluding that she is untreated, is not going to get treatment, and that eventually, 'the non is the one that will bear the brunt of the pwuBPD's disorder'.

I am simply trying to be compassionate in responding, or not, to any contact that she makes.

Thank you, Cromwell, for your reply. After reading, reading, and more reading, because she is high functioning and has something of a support network in place with family and friends, I do think it would be OK to remain NC, especially in response to this message.

Thank you, Harley Quinn, this is something that I needed to hear.

After reading, reading, and more reading... .Agreed!

Because of your and other comments, I want to remain detached, and am concluding that she will be alright if I remain NC. Thank you!

She will.  We are not responsible for soothing their wounds, as much as we'd like to and as much as we care that our ex partners hurt.  She needs to learn to soothe herself, and in healthier ways. 

The "I love you" out of nowhere reflects a momentary need on her part which could potentially have caused further damage for you.  I'm glad you're putting yourself first.  It's hard, but a positive step.  Having been there, I know just how difficult that choice can be, and also know how it was the right thing for me long term.  Without a single doubt. 

I can also think of worse things to have as a last communication.  Seems like a good time to let sleeping dogs lie.