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My therapist is nice, she's nonjudgmental, most importantly, she's affordable. ExBPDgf and I did a few couple's sessions with this T, and I called this T once during one of exBPDgf's psychotic episodes to help convince exBPDgf to go to the hospital.

I was feeling pretty shaky after the final breakup, decided I better talk to a professional. Since this particular T witnessed first-hand my exBPDgf, I wanted to talk to her specifically. At first, I definitely found it helpful to talk about exBPDgf. My friends were sick of hearing it, and I needed a reality check as to my own mental state.

But now that things have calmed down, I'm getting bored and frustrated. My last two sessions felt aimless and conversational, full of small talk and pat advice.    

She told me this week that she can't diagnose me with depression or PTSD (not that I asked her to) because I use substances. She's a psychologist anyway, so she can't prescribe pills. I'm not wanting an antidepressant at this time--I've been on them before, each one I tried had bad side effects, and I'm functioning well without them.

Booze and drugs have been part of my bohemian lifestyle since college. Sometimes, they're for social cache, sometimes, they're an attempt to self-regulate emotions I experience as overwhelming. I struggle with life-long low-grade feelings of alone-ness, and existential gloom often exacerbated by the state of the world. What's the cure for being a highly sensitive empath who was a neglected child, and who fell in love with a mentally ill woman in the middle of her life?

This T offers me gems like: "You gotta get yourself out there!" I work, I volunteer, am active in the arts. I have ties in the community, close friends, lots of acquaintances. I'm even on a dating site.

Or, "Exercise is great for depression." I just raised my eyebrow at her until she remembered I'm a professional kayaker and cyclist and get plenty of exercise.

I'm introspective, I understand how my life experiences shaped me. I don't move through the world clueless about my own motivations.
I'm willing to try a couple more therapy sessions, but I honestly feel like I'm wasting time and money.

What am I missing? Am I asking the wrong questions? How do I use therapy to help me move towards a healthy, fulfilling relationship with myself and others?

if the latter is your goal in therapy, its a good one. have you tried saying that? have you asked for feedback?

its a lot like telling someone "this is how you can best support me". one usually must be pretty upfront about what they are and are not seeking.

and sometimes its just a bad fit and you wont get that. i have a friend who had a pretty unfulfilling therapist.

I told her a few times that I want to solve my lifelong loneliness problem. Hence the "get yourself out there" advice that I could get from any dating website. I can try to rephrase and sharpen focus... .

She never writes anything down. My past therapists took a lot more notes if I recall correctly.

Hi Lady Itone

Finding a therapist you find comfortable with is a must. Dont hesitate to change, yet at the same time with my brief experience of 2 different therapists, I couldnt stand the last one at all, but I stuck it out, it turned out her confrontational, blunt style she adopted based on my personality and it helped a lot, yet at the time felt I was wasting my time. It can be hard to judge, at least I found it difficult.

She has given good advice regarding exercise, it has been shown that it is just as effective as any antidepressant. I wouldnt blame her too much for not knowing you already are physically very active.

I guess part of it depends what style of therapy you are undergoing, maybe it could be the wrong type for the things you want to achieve?

Sometimes the best answers are also the most simple ones, its just that in our frame of mind we havent taken them on board. For instance, I knew physical exercise and building up my social circle again were important things to do, yet I held back from it. This pessimism for the world, or anxiety, it spikes me every time I read a newspaper, so I stopped doing it. I used to get overwhelmed with the problems of the world, you might laugh but the fear of a hyperinflation and the belief it will happen in my life time is something that seems to have got stuck. Talking to a therapist about it wont stop it from happening, but if it can reduce that dread by any margin, its all good. My therapist told me I dont need to read the news, such an obvious statement, something easily changed, yet it took someone else to point it out. I took her advice, and the days that I dont, I notice the difference.

There are plenty of therapists out there if you dont feel comfortable with this one, that really is one of the critical 'musts' to get right I think.

I just wanted to support what others have said about therapy, that is it important to let your current therapist know that you are unhappy with the therapy, and to find a therapist that is a good fit for you. I have been to therapy three times, and it is my current therapist that has helped me change my life for the better in so many ways. Looking for a therapist can be challenging as there are so many different kinds of therapists and treatments. Can you tell us more about what you expect from therapy and what your ideal therapist would be like? What questions do you have about therapy? Would you like some of us to share some of our experiences with therapy, what worked and what was not helpful? Keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know how we can be the most helpful.

Hi Lady Itone,


I'm not suggesting that you ask for antidepressants I just want to inform you and others that you might have try several anti depressants until you find one that works for you. I rejected them for many years - I regret that because I like you thought that I was functioning well and I didn't realise that I wasn't function as well as I thought until I went on Wellbutrin. But that's my story and not necessarily your experience also it takes about a month to six weeks until you see the full effects you're changing your brain chemistry so there's a period where your mind rejects it once you're over that you feel better.

Yes actually I think that would help. I honestly can't conceive of a T telling me something I don't already know through years of trying to work through this stuff, deep conversations with myself and friends, and tons of reading. I don't recall ever feeling as though any therapist really helped me much.

I tried a few SSRIs. I tolerated prozac for many years in my 20s but when I tried it again in my 40s the side effects were brutal. I lasted 8 months on Wellbutrin though it made my hands shake and head ache.

I remembered feeling a bit stuck in therapy not too long ago and  that I was thinking it didn't give me the momentum I was hoping to find.  Decided to share that with my T and kind of semi frustrated ( but light hearted) said I was most likely projecting on him but it made a change in our sessions for the better. I'd advice to share your feelings in regards to the 'doubts' you have with your T as a first step and see what that might change. I know finding a new one and to have to start from scratch would be the less desired option ( my first T moved overseas ) but in the end you need to make sure your therapy and therapist actually work for you, because it's about you. Not about just being in therapy.